yy

iii000UID: 2741605

对人的生活是电话的影响大还是电视的影响大？

Obviously, nowadays we can never image living in a world that there is no televisions for watching TV shows, no cellular phones for communications with our family. Telephones and televisions play equally important role in our daily life. Nevertheless, in my opinion, I think telephones have more influence to our life rather than televisions.

Firstly, we can communicate with our family by utilizing telephones in the time when we miss with each other. For instance, my mother or my father often make a call for me to care my study and life in university because they have no spare time to come to my university to see me. We can connect with each other tightly than before. When my father at the age with me, he only meet my grandfather and grandmother at every weekend. Therefore, telephones provide convenience for us to communicate our family.

Besides helping individual to communicate with their family, telephone can also improve efficient of study and help us resolve difficult problem. My sister, Anita, sometime take telephone to me to ask some difficult subjects such as mathematic, physics and chemistry, and so forth. In this week, my sister ask one problem about function by telephone because her teacher demand she to explain this mathematic problem in next day on platform. However, this problem is too difficult to solve for her. After considering several minutes, I tell her how to harness formula to resolve the problem and she understand. Thus, it is obviously for us to enhance our efficient of study.

Furthermore, phones enable us to fasten opportunity and prevents us from missing crucial occasion. I remember once I was on a bus, and my favorite company called me that they would like to give me a interview. In the end, I got that important position. Without phone, I can’t get this opportunity in time. Consequently, it can help us to obtain chance.

Although we also influence by television—such as learning new knowledge from Discover, getting enjoyment from talk show, it is indisputable that telephones have more influence for our daily life.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Obviously, nowadays we can never imagine? living in a world that where (Although I'd suggest a simple 'without' here, and just rewrite the whole sentence:...a world without TV shows to watch or cellphones to call our families.) there is televisions for watching TV shows, nor cellular phones for communications (Chinese speaking students seem to be particularly fond of gerunds and verb-based nouns, probably because those look more 'scholarly'. But as always, I insist that they should only be used when absolutely necessary , because more often than not they make sentences unnecessarily hard to read. Stick with simple verb phrases like 'to watch', 'to communicate' whenever possible.),  with our families. Telephones and televisions play equally important roles in our daily life. Nevertheless, in my opinion, I think telephones have more influence to our life rather than televisions.

Firstly, we can communicate with our families by utilizing telephones in the time when we miss with each other. For instance, my mother or my father often makes a call for to me to care ('Ask about' would be a better word because 'care' is a verb that describes a sense of concern rather than an actual action. Even if you must use 'care', it should at least be 'care about'.) my study and life in university because they have no spare time to come to my university to see me. (Now, don't assume everybody knows that university students in China often stay very far away from their homes therefore the parents need to call. Your argument would appear absurd for someone who's never been away from his family.) We can connect with each other tightly (It's called 'bond'.) than (If you use this word here, your reader would expect a comparison somewhere.) before. When my father was at the my age with me (What I see here is one step behind direct translation from Chinese. Let me guess what you did: you formulated a few words in Chinese, attempted to translate in vain because you had a very limited pool of phrases and word combinations that you knew how to use, so you just threw together whatever phrases you knew and partially fit the meaning. The result is broken language.), he only meet my grandfather and grandmother at every weekend. (What does this have to do with telephones?) Therefore, telephones provide convenience for us to communicate with our families. (Good example, but the question is asking you to compare the AMOUNT of impact of telephones vs. televisions, not usefulness or benefits.)

Besides helping individuals to communicate with their families, a telephone can also improve efficiency of study and help us resolve difficult problems. My sister, Anita, sometime take telephone to me to ask about some difficult subjects such as mathematics, physics, and chemistry, and so forth. In this week, my sister asked one problem about function (This word is too vague to express what subject she was asking about.) by telephone because her teacher demanded she her to explain this mathematics problem in the next day on platform (Obvious direct translation from Chinese. In the US, classrooms usually don't have 'platforms' for teachers to stand on. 上台 as in to go 'on the platform' in the classroom is a phrase that doesn't travel.) . However, this problem is too difficult to solve for her. After considering for several minutes, I told her how to harness a formula to resolve the problem and she understood. Thus, it (What?) is obviously for us to enhance our efficiency of study. (Same as a previous comment. The question is NOT about the benefits or uses of telephones/televisions.)

Furthermore, phones enable us to fasten opportunity? and prevents us from missing crucial occasions. I remember once I was on a bus, and my favorite company called me that they would like to give me a interview. In the end, I got that important position. Without a phone, I can’t get this opportunity in time. Consequently, it can help us to obtain chance ('Chance' is not the same as 'opportunity'.). (Again, you're describing how a phone is useful, but the question is not asking you for this.)

Although we are also influenced by television—such as learning new knowledge from Discover (Firstly, that channel on TV is called the Discovery Channel. Secondly, this is the 2nd time I see a mention of Discover. This is too frequent to be a coincidence.), getting enjoyment from talk shows, - it is indisputable that telephones have more influence for on our daily life.

总结：

Every improvement needs to start from somewhere low, so pardon me if my comments seem really harsh.

语法：文字上以简单句居多，所以基本上没机会出现句法问题，但同时就因为不经常使用连词而使语句显得琐碎。主要问题是介词的使用极其混乱。另外第二段中一评语指出的，我个人觉得你有些地方是试图从中文表达转成英文表达的过程中胡乱堆砌词组。这种突然出现的‘碎句’说明你在成文的时候因为思考在中文/英文之间转换，导致注意力无法集中在正确的文法上，所以让你的文章总有一种摇摇摆摆的感觉。

词汇：用词有稍显啰嗦的倾向，请注意多用动词，少用动名词。

逻辑/内容：完全跑题。题目问的是哪一个的影响大，不是哪一个的好处多。请谨慎审题，不要想当然。记住这个问题：如果读者在不知道题目的情况下来读你的文章，他能还原出本来的问题吗？如果不能，说明你多半是跑题。不过，如果不考虑跑题的问题，这篇在举例方面还是做得不错的，只是论点比较重复，没有坚持扣题。。不过的不过，托福作文是考生去就题目，而不是题目就考生，所以还是要注意审题。

iii000UID: 2741605

受益匪浅啊！:)
想问楼主一个问题！ 如果是你写会从那几个方面写！该如何从思维上来拓展！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

我不提供作文提纲，不过可以就这个问题，就你的论点，用一个分论点的具体展开作为参考：

总论点：电话对人生活的影响比电视的影响大

分论点：想家的时候可以靠电话解决思乡之情（其实这应该是作例子的起头句。分论点应该是更抽象一些的 电话可以在需要的时候帮我们传递感情，感情的联络对生活来说是非常重要的。）我想家的时候就会打电话，爸爸妈妈可以经常和我通电话，就不会那么想我了。（例子）然后要指出 电视做不到这一点！（扣题：两个关键字的比较）。所以，电话可以帮助我和家里联络感情，促进生活上的交流，电视不能。（例子/分论点的总结）所以~电话对人生活的影响比电视的影响大。（扣总论点）

其实很简单。在你的分论点中，题目给你的每个关键字都应该出现。。

iii000UID: 2741605

有点像问一下！ 如果在每个分论点里面都出现题目给的关键词会不会现得很琐碎呢！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

你说的 琐碎 是什么意思呢？就算不直接出现题目中同样的关键字也要点回题目，不然怎么叫扣题？