Issue 130第一次发帖求拍，同题跟帖24h内必修改

chennanhuaUID: 2721993

这篇是第一篇issue，下面是第三次写的结果，前两次自己都看不下去。总共花了3h。求兄弟姐妹们狠拍，同主题回帖我会在24h内给出我的修改。互帮互助，共同进步。
"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better sociey."

Socialization is one of the most importance factors to raise children to be the useful persons who can bring about a better society. However, I disagree with the claim that the destiny of our society is determined by the situation of children socialization, the speaker blurted out it must overlook other factors that may have far-reaching influence on our society destiny. And personally speaking, I assure that nowadays, we have awared the core merits to bring up children to be the eligible builders who clearly understand how to create a better society.
The knowledge of children, the ability of independent thinking and their interests and creativity are all important factors which can determine, in a large degree, how many contributions they can make to our society. We can easily recognize that people in nowadays society enjoy a higher level of living standard than any time before, it's mainly depending on the development of science and technology and the applications of these scientific knowledge and technologies for improving our lives, all of these bases on people in our society master enough knowledge. Likewise, the knowledge of children deeply influence the destiny of future society. The ability of independent thinking is necessary for children who will predicatively confront many difficulties in their future lives, only the person who can independently ponder, can composedly address with the difficulties. In addition, children interests could be the intensive powers stimulating the children more actively in learning and creating which can move the society forward at a higher speed.
The merits such as enterprise, amicability, responsibility and so on are the characteristics of children who can propel our society forward, and we are consistently indoctrinating these to children during the family and school education. The elementary living knowledge and primary personality view for children were built during the family education. Children prefer to imitate what their parents do. During the course, we can teach children to be friendly, amicable and responsible by not only what we say but also what we do. When children go to school, they learn more knowledge and the methods how to communicate with teachers and schoolmates. The above mentioned merits could be introduced in details in the school education. Then children learn to build active philosophy and world views, help the people in trouble and recognize their responsibility to build a admirable society.
Nevertheless, we have to realize that the problem of children socialization has become more and more serious, obliging us to pay more attention to it. Otherwise, the step of our society moving forward will be impeded and even go backward. For example, at present, many students in China pay all their energies and times in studying scientific knowledge, acquiring art specialities such as dancing and painting, but care nothing about building the positive morality and psychological health, resulting in some children become selfish, some dissocial and some even cynical.
Although children socialization call for our attention and still, there are some spots in raising children to be the eligible constructors of intriguing society, our society is moving forward at a more and more quickly speed. We have faith in the upcoming better society.

dingyi0311UID: 2627919

我觉得socialization 的意思是A complex process by which individuals learn skills, attitudes, values, and patterns of behaviour that enable them to function within a particular culture.我觉得科学知识应该算作skill

chennanhuaUID: 2721993

1# chennanhua

我觉得socialization 的意思是A complex process by which individuals learn skills, attitudes, values, and patterns of behaviour that enable them to function within a particular culture.我觉得科学知识应该算作skill

谢谢犀利丁热心帮助!:) 对socialization的解释非常经典。
我写的时候是把science and technology当skills。但没有把学习科技当成socialization的内容，当时觉得主要socialization是a progress adapt people to a particular culture, 但是To learn skills such as technology is not necessary in this progress.所以就没把学习科技当成socialization的内容了。
看了你的评论觉得第四段要重写。

yxwang1988UID: 2735195

重新来..

yxwang1988UID: 2735195

Socializationis one of the most importance(简单的语法错误请自己修改了再上传) factors to raisechildren to be the useful persons who can bring about a better society. However, Idisagree with the claim that the destiny of our society is determined by the situation(用词不当) of children socialization, (这句和上句是两句话中间需要用句号或分号) the speaker
who blurted out it must
have
overlook other factors that may have far-reaching influence on oursociety destiny. And personally speaking, I assure that nowadays, we have awared
(are aware of) the core merits（？我还以为题目是说怎么办的问题而不是有什么好处的问题） to bring up children tobe the eligible builders who clearly understand how to create (是创造吗？) a better society.

开篇结构标准，两个问题全都否定，分别给予解释。用词不当还好说，同学对语言的掌控需要多练几篇才能提高，但是语法错误很多这让我很难过。接下来的语法错误就不改了哦。首先把文章放进word里，绿色的全都改过来再发上论坛。

Theknowledge of children, the ability of independent thinking and their interestsand creativity are all important factors which can determine, in a largedegree, how many contributions they can make to our society. (咦，开头不是讲socialization吗？怎么扯到interests and creativity了？偏得太严重了吧？)We can easily recognize that people in nowadays society enjoy ahigher level of living standard than any time before, it's mainly depending onthe development of science and technology and the applications of thesescientific knowledge and technologies for improving our lives, all of these baseson people in our society master enough knowledge.(知识知识..这和socialization没什么关系吧) Likewise, the knowledge（刚说完了scientific knowledge 现在接着说？难道你的likewise是总结的意思？） of children deeplyinfluence the destiny of future society. The ability of independent thinking isnecessary for children who will predicatively confront many difficulties intheir future lives, only the person who can independently ponder, cancomposedly address with the difficulties. In addition, children interests couldbe the intensive powers stimulating the children more actively（consider revise） in learning and creating which can move the society forward at ahigher speed.
看完这一段我深感杯具…同学的文章比阅读题还难懂…
就论述来说，请一定注意不要随意拿一个连接词来就往上放，没有用对的话是会引起误解的。
至于主题，貌似跑了十万八千里。
Wikipedia给socialization的定义是
“The term
socialization
is usedby
sociologists,
socialpsychologists,
anthropologists,
politicians
and
educationalists
to referto the process of inheriting
norms,
customs
and
ideologies.”
无论如何都不会和科学技术知识扯上啊？和学习这些知识的兴趣也没关系的说..

Themerits such as enterprise, amicability, responsibility and so on are thecharacteristics of children who can propel our society forward, and we areconsistently indoctrinating these to children during the family and schooleducation. (终于和主题有点扯上关系了) The elementary livingknowledge and primary personality view for children were built during thefamily education. Children prefer to imitate what their parents do. During thecourse, we can teach children to be friendly, amicable and responsible by notonly what we say but also what we do. When children go to school, they learnmore knowledge and the methods how to communicate with teachers andschoolmates. The above mentioned merits could be introduced in details in theschool education. Then children learn to build active philosophy and worldviews, help the people in trouble and recognize their responsibility to build aadmirable society.
这段我看懂了，话锋一转，同学开始讲的孩子怎么样学到一些软性的知识和获取一些软性的素质。显然，事业心，责任感和与人为善都可以算作是socialization的一部分，为什么同学要吝惜那一点笔墨来点题呢？首先就应该在TS里提到和socialization的关系。

Nevertheless,we have to realize that the problem of children socialization has become moreand more serious, obliging us to pay more attention to it. Otherwise, the stepof our society moving forward will be impeded and even go backward. Forexample, at present, many students in China pay all their energies and times in studying scientificknowledge（噢噢！！原来你是把科学技术和软性的知识对立起来了呀！所以才有了第一段）
, acquiring art specialities such as dancing andpainting, but care nothing about building the positive morality and psychological health, resulting in some childrenbecome selfish, some dissocial and some even cynical (cynical的人也就说说anti-social/dissocial的人直接反动了…到底哪个严重？result in后面跟一个句子我就不跟你讲了).

这一段说了孩子们的socialization出了问题，需要我们注意。中国的孩子们忽视了道德心理健康方面的培养，造成有些孩子自私，反社会和有犬儒注意倾向。例子很好，为什么不接着说我们因该怎么注意呢？个别的孩子们出了问题，整个社会是怎么“倒退”的也没有证实。

Althoughchildren socialization call for our attention and still, there are some spotsin raising children to be the eligible constructors of intriguing society, oursociety is moving forward at a more and more quickly speed. We have faith inthe upcoming better society.
结尾和开头没有照应，总结也只总结了最后一段。因为你原本也没写什么东西，我也就给不出什么再多的评价了。

提纲:（自己应该写的）
1.
The knowledge of children, the ability ofindependent thinking and their interests and creativity are all importantfactors which can determine, in a large degree, how many contributions they canmake to our society.
这句本身语病不说了，意思一句话，孩子们的知识决定了社会发展。
2.
The merits such as enterprise, amicability,responsibility and so on are the characteristics of children who can propel oursociety forward, and we are consistently indoctrinating these to childrenduring the family and school education.
我们一直在教孩子们这些社会发展必备的素质。
3.
Nevertheless, we have to realize that theproblem of children socialization has become more and more serious, obliging usto pay more attention to it.
但是，孩子的社会化问题变得更加严峻，应该注意
我不知道该怎么说，但是我实在在这三条里找不出内在的联系。。。第一段整个偏题，第二段点一下还是能照应上的，第三段貌似合拍实则没在点子上。孩子的socialization对社会有用没用和我们懂得教不懂得教是这道题探讨的两个重点并且仅限于此的命题。扯到社会化问题严峻却死皮赖脸的说严峻不代表我们不会教是没有意义的。

建议：
1.
好好读文章，尤其是北美范文。离考试还早的话就使劲背，十篇八篇地背。据坛子上的同学说对结构和语言都很有用。
2.
结构结构。总分总结构的文章，中间三段是要跟第一段的描述挂钩的。
3.
注意审题，明明你的首段不但没有跑题而且和北美范文的思路如出一辙，为何后面会论证出那么乱七八糟的东西？
4.
发文章上来前自己先改错。这是态度问题。