求作文修改：University vs college

lyzhedaUID: 2578773

Q: People choose to attend a technical college rather than attend university. Why do you think people make this choice? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

MY ESSAY

Some people say that attending university plays an important role in one's life for the reason that university provides students with a broaden rage of knowledge as well as a deepen insight into the diversified aspects of life. However, there is a conspicuous change toward it as an increasingly number of people choose technical colleges instead of universities considering the merits of attending a technical college.

First of all, more practical things can be learned in a technical college. Compared to universities, technical colleges have a more specific aim , which is to arm students with a special skill with which one can make a living easily in the real world. Students can seize the opportunity and learn as much as they could in the certain field they have chosen. That is to say, while universities tend to bring a universal way of thinking technical colleges prefer to concentrate on one specific skill.

In addition, technical colleges have more correspondences with the society. While universities have greater affection for the dreaming world, such as philosophy and literature, the majority of technical colleges pay more attention to the usefulness of skills being taught as well as the out reaching abilities, without which it's difficult to adapt to the ever changing world.

Last but not least, it's much cheaper to attend a technical college. The cost in an university derived a number of people of the chance to get a further education, especially for the Poor and the minorities. However, Attending technical colleges is a advisable choice for those who are economically challenged.

On account of all the advantages of getting education in technical colleges stated above, the trend is much more apparent. The majority of people choose a technical college where they can learn skills of much use in the real life in a less costly and time saving way.

第一次写托福作文，大家多多指点。谢谢~

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Some people say that attending university plays an important role in one's life for the reason that a university provides students with a broader? ('broaden' is a verb. I'm guessing at what you mean here.) range of knowledge as well as a deeper? insight into the diversified aspects? of life (If you indeed intend to use 'broader' and 'deeper', make sure you point out what you're comparing university education with.). However, there is a conspicuous change towards it (What?) as an increasingly number of people choose technical colleges instead of universities, considering the merits of attending a technical college. (The question is asking you WHY. All this introduction serves no purpose to signal the reader that you're going to discuss the 'why'. It's not unacceptable, but just know that it's not an effective opening.)

First of all, more practical things (What 'things'? When you start to use very generic words like 'things', you know you should brush up on vocabulary.) can be learned in a technical college. Compared to universities, technical colleges have a more specific aim, which is to arm students with a special skill with which one can make a living easily in the real world (I'm getting sort of annoyed by this phrase, which seems popular in Chinese students - as if they all live in a fake world until they go out to work. What kind of world is the 'real' world anyway? I know this probably came from the cliche 现实世界 which is so often used in Chinese news and articles to refer to the harsh circumstances after graduation, but this implication is an assumption, an idiom that only makes sense in the Chinese environment. It just doesn't make sense in English.). Students can seize the opportunity (What opportunity?) and learn as much as they could in the certain fields they have chosen. That is to say, while universities tend to bring a universal way of thinking (unto students? I'd say it probably happens to be a sad phenomenon of Chinese universities. University education is expected to promote diversity, especially in the top universities of US and UK.), technical colleges prefer to concentrate on one specific skill. (How does 'concentrate on one skill' relate to 'why' people choose technical colleges? You've described one feature of technical colleges that's different from universities, but WHY is it something that would make people prefer technical colleges? If you want to argue your point about how technical colleges enable students to 'make a living easily', then I could argue that University graduates usually command higher salaries, which enable them to make livings easily too. What's exactly the differentiating point here? Think about it.)

In addition, technical colleges have more correspondences with the society (What kind of 'correspondences' are you talking about? Publicity?). While universities have greater affection for the dreaming world?, such as philosophy and literature, the majority of technical colleges pay more attention to the usefulness of skills being taught as well as the out reaching abilities?, without which it's difficult to adapt to the ever changing world. (Here your logic starts to make more sense.)

Last but not least, it's much cheaper to attend a technical college. The cost of an university dep?rived a number of people of the chance to get a further education, especially for the poor and the minorities. However, attending technical colleges is a advisable choice for those who are economically challenged.

On account of all the advantages of getting education in technical colleges as stated above, the trend (What 'trend'? There doesn't seem be anything about 'trend' in the question or in your previous discussions?) is much more apparent. The majority of people choose a technical college where they can learn skills of much use in the real life in a less costly and time saving (This you didn't discuss in the essay.) way.

总结：

语法和词汇的问题不大，但是请注意一下表达，用语要准确，表义要清晰，避免意思含糊不清的中式词组。

逻辑方面第一个分论点的逻辑不完整，结尾句是一个描述，基本看不出和问题中的‘为什么’联系在哪儿，感觉第二个分论点和第一个凑起来是一个更完整的论述。请注意扣题。

lyzhedaUID: 2578773

thank you