作文求改!!

润舞无声UID: 2740896

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should not pay to the public transportation.

Through the modern technology burgeons a better life, both in transportation and economy. Recently the problem has brought into focus that whether should we pay to the public transportation. People may have different choices and opinions depending on their own experiences, life style and emotional concerns. Were it up to me to make a decision, the statement that we should pay the public transportation, would enjoy the priority as my optimum choice. With respect to my response here upon comes two reasons.


First and for most, the transportation system has provide services for us, we should pay for the services. If we travel by bus, the bus system has provides us a means to get to our destination. A bus or subway has become an indispensable part in our daily life. We cannot get our destination so fast and so convenient without taking a bus or subway, etc. Therefore, we need to pay for the bus. Moreover, if we do not pay for the bus, how to the get the finance to sustain their system? How do they pay for the drivers and workers in the transportation system? Only depend on our government is not a solution. Consequently, I think people should pay for the public transportation.

Moreover, not paying to the transportation will lead series problems. Imagine the government claims that you can take bus or subway for free, whom one else won’t come to take a bus or subway? Consequently, there would be too crowed in the bus. The bus facilities also will overused and cannot catch up with the increased passengers. In addition, too many passengers in a bus will also make people feel insecure and increases the theft.

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that we should pay to the public transportation. in order to stabilize our society and maintain the order in community.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Through the modern technology burgeons a better life, both in transportation and economy. Recently the problem (What 'problem'?) has brought into focus that whether should we should pay to use? the public transportation (I seriously suspect the the question is wrongly phrased when it's passed around, because I can't make sense out of 'pay to public transportation'.). People may have different choices and opinions depending on their own experiences, lifestyle and emotional concerns. Were it up to me to make a decision, the statement that we should pay for the public transportation, would enjoy the priority as my optimal? choice. (The question is asking whether you AGREE or DISAGREE with the statement, not which one is your 'optimum' choice. Answering the question straight would be much safer than trying to show off but not really to any useful point.) With respect to my response here upon comes two reasons.

First and for most, the transportation system has provided services for us, we should pay for the services. If we travel by bus, the bus system has provided us a means to get to our destination. A bus or subway has become an indispensable part in our daily life. We cannot get to our destination so fast and so conveniently without taking a bus or subway, etc. Therefore, we need to pay for the bus. Moreover, if we do not pay for the bus, how to the get the finance resources? to sustain their (Whose?) system? How do they (Who??) pay for the drivers and workers in the transportation system? Only depending on our government is not a solution (FYI: in many countries, cities' public transportation systems depend partially on local governments. It's likely that you're not really paying much to cover the bus or subway companies' costs.) . Consequently, I think people should pay for the public transportation. (This paragraph seems to pile 2 points into one without specific, substantial examples for any.)

Moreover, not paying for the transportation will lead to series (Do you mean 'serious problems' or 'series of problems'?) problems. Imagine the government claims that you can take bus or subway for free, whom one else won’t come to take a bus or subway? Consequently, there it would be too crowed in the bus. The bus facilities also will be overused and cannot catch up with the increased passengers (Why do you keep talking about buses only?). In addition, too many passengers in a bus will also make people feel insecure and increases the theft. (So, are you implying that paying for public transportation will make the buses and subways less crowded and more secure? That doesn't seem like a very strong argument given the situations in many developing countries. The key here is that opening up free public transport is likely to make the vehicles MORE crowded and dangerous than they currently are, no matter whether they are already crowded or not - think about it.)

From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw a conclusion that we should pay for to the public transportation, in order to stabilize our society and maintain the order in community. (The points in your essay were: public transportation is a service, we should pay for service; public transportation needs payment to be financially sustainable; free public transporation will result in crowded and unsafe vehicles - does 'stabilize our society and maintain the order in community' appear anywhere in your main arguments?)

总结：

语法 - 介词用得比较诡异。另外请注意复句中分句句法的构成，不要把主谓宾的顺序搞错。

词汇 - 这方面主要是代词混乱，很多时候完全指代不清。请注意不要滥用代词，用必有具体所指，否则就不叫代词了，要先有东西在才能代嘛。

逻辑 - 你有说理论证的想法，但是逻辑的推演不够严密，分论点也没有很实在的论据支持，造成全篇很虚的感觉。请尽量争取做到论证严谨，多从正反各个方向来思考自己的论证够不够妥善。

润舞无声UID: 2740896

2# mpromanus

首先谢谢你帮我修改作文哈~~
再请教你一个问题,你说的分论点也没有很实在的论据支持，造成全篇很虚的感觉, 说我的论据缺乏一些例子或是之类的东西啊?

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这个题目如果是照你给的，没要求具体例子。我说虚，是因为你在论述分论点的时候一直提到bus/subway，又没有说出什么具体的bus/subway特有的东西，说理都停留在抽象的public transportation的层面上。你说的东西放到不是bus/subway的公共交通也成立的话，那你为什么一直绕着bus/subway不放呢？造成的印象是你提了半天bus/subway，让读者感觉好像这两个东西有什么重要性，最后发现其实没什么意义，所以说变成虚招了。

如果你是想用bus/subway来做public transportation的例子，那你最好把这个关系明确地告诉读者，我在这篇文章说public transportation的时候我想的是类似bus, subway的东西，这样也可以。