好心的高手请进~~

passenger7866UID: 2701017

新手刚刚开始准备托福，哪位好心的高手能不能帮我改一下作文？？
谢谢了~~





It is not rare to see students wear a so big bag that they can not stand up straightly. Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Some students even do homework than later than twelve o’clock. Most people claim that teachers are necessary make homework for students, they stand on the ground that students need a force to let them work hard on their study. This idea is strongly oppqsed by numerous people who hold the opnion that students have the necessary to do homework everyday. In their opinions, students need more free time to do something more important. As far as I am concerned, daily homework is necessary for students.

First of all, if students have more free time, they can do more what they are intrest in. As we all known, creativity plays a more important part in people’s life. ‘Intrest is the best teacher’, as the saying goes, students can do better if they have intrest in it. Tom is a-fifteen-year boy living next to my house. He loves animals and want to become a biology. But he have little time to known more about it. He thinks that given more time, he can do better on this aspect.

Beside, if students do not have daily homework, they can do more exercises outside in their spare time. Doing more exercises can do well in their health. The good health in return is good for students to study. It is common that many students fall down in a swoon during the exanimation. Even they do homework everyday, it make no sense at the important moment. Some boys like playing football. After sweating all the body, they bacome stonger. Whatmore, they can make more friends.

The last but not the least one is that the relationship between teachers and students can be released. Students want to have more free time, while teachers want students to pay all of their attention to their study. My little brother Jack came back with smile on his face one day after school. It just because his mathematics teacher did not let them do homework that day. He discribed the teacher as the most beautiful lady all the world over.

Admittedly, study is the most important task to students, students should have more opportunity to built up themselves to be a students developed fully. From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that daily homework is necessary for students.

passenger7866UID: 2701017

怎么没人呢  帮忙啊~~

wuqian0801UID: 2637709

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1042888-1-1.html

把作文贴这来.. 国宝会修改的.. 而且很好 很负责.. 很牛的..

passenger7866UID: 2701017

谢谢哦~~ 3# wuqian0801

passenger7866UID: 2701017

题目
Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Do you think that daily homework is necessary for students? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

It is not rare to see students wear (You can't 'wear' a bag. You can only 'carry' a bag.) a so big a bag that they cannot stand up straightly. Many teachers assign homework to students every day. Some students even do homework than until later than twelve o’clock (There're two 12 o'clocks in a day: one 12.00 noon, and one 12.00 midnight. Which one are you referring to?). Most people claim that teachers are necessary make homework for students? (There're two verbs here. One simple sentence should only have one verb/verb phrase.), as (When sentences are joined together to former a compound sentence, conjunctions are necessary. Don't just pile sentences together. It works in Chinese but not in English.) they stand on the ground that students need a force to let (If you use 'let', it means the force 'allows' them to work hard, rather than 'makes'.) them work hard on their study. This idea is strongly opposed by numerous people who hold the opnion that students have the necessary? (First, it should be 'necessity'. Second, this doesn't seem to be the opposite of what you just said.) to do homework everyday. In their opinions, students need more free time to do something more important. As far as I am concerned, daily homework is necessary for students.

First of all, if students have more free time, they can do more what they are intrested in. As we all known, creativity plays a more (What are you comparing with when you use 'more'?) important part in people’s life. ‘Intrest is the best teacher’, as the saying goes. Students can do better if they have intrest in it (What?). Tom is a-fifteen-year boy living next to my house. He loves animals and want to become a biology? (Do you mean 'biologist'?). But he has little time to known more about it. He thinks that given more time, he can do better on this aspect.(There are two issues at hand here. First, the question is whether daily homework is necessary, and having more free time is only one single aspect or implication that can be drawn from this question. You can, of course, argue on this implication, but you need to relate it back to the actual question. This is especially important in your case because you ended the previous paragraph on 'daily homework is necessary', but started this paragraph with 'more free time', without much of a reasonable logical progress between them.

Second, I'm getting entirely confused by what exactly your stand is. If you say 'daily homework is necessary', then why are you arguing for 'more free time', which seems to be an implication of 'daily homework is not necessary'? Am I correct to say that you left out a 'not' in your statement?)

dBeside, if students do not have daily homework, they can do more exercises outside in their spare time. Doing more exercises can do well to their health. The good health in return is good for students to study. It is common that many students fall down in a swoon during the exanimations. Even they do homework everyday, it make no sense at the important moment (What 'important moment' is that? If you use 'the', you need to be specific. Here you seem to be alluding to the Chinese NCEE, National College Entrance Exams or 高考). Some boys like playing football. After sweating allover the body, they become stonger. Whatmore, they can make more friends. (What does this have to do with 'good health'?)

The last but not the least, one is that the relationship between teachers and students can be released? (What do you mean by 'release' a relationship? Do you mean to say 'relax' or 'improve' a relationship?). Students want to have more free time, while teachers want students to pay all of their attention to their study. My little brother Jack came back with a smile on his face one day after school. It was just because his mathematics teacher did not let (Again, if you use 'not let', it means your brother is NOT ALLOWED to do homework, rather than he is ALLOWED NOT to do homework. It's a big difference.) them do homework that day. He discribed the teacher as the most beautiful lady in all the world over. (Again, the question is about the 'necessity' of daily homework. You can keep arguing about the merits of not assigning homework daily - but that doesn't mean daily homework must be unnecessary. It's like buying a house in China - everybody knows that if he doesn't force himself to buy a house at such a ridiculous price, he can use the money to do many other things and live better  - much better, in my opinion - but everybody thinks buying a house is necessary for a guy to get married. There's even a phrase for this kind of bad but necessary things - 'a necessary evil'. My point is that your argument about the benefits of 'not assigning daily homework' is valid, but it is NOT equal to 'daily homework is necessary'. You need to define and establish such a relationship clearly.)

Admittedly, study is the most important task to students, students should have more opportunity to built up themselves to be a students developed fully? (I think you mean 'a fully developed student'.). From what has been discussed above, we can safely arrive at the conclusion that daily homework is necessary for students. (I'm getting more and more confused. It seems to me that all your arguments point to the opposing view instead.)

总结：

词汇方面还好，语法方面，你的句法比较奇怪，而且会在可以用定语的地方用定语从句式（a student developed fully = a student (who is) developed fully），在使用从句的时候要兼顾句子的流畅。还有就是基本没有用关联词。。=.= 就是一个句子接一个句子的往下写，基本上看不出前因后果这样。

逻辑论述方面首先我完全迷惑于你的观点到底是daily homework is necessary还是not necessary。。另外就是文中指出过的，你完全可以说不做那么多作业有这么好处，但是你并没有在文章里面打好‘不做作业有好处所以每天做作业有必要/没必要’这个论点，所以在没有这个基础的情况下只顾着说有什么好处，是不能完全让人明白你的议论和题目到底有什么关系的。这方面你可以去看我主贴里链接的jiang08斑竹的范文，虽然也是在说两边有什么好处坏处，但是在结尾和文中都有很清晰的句子指明这几个论点到底和原问题的关系是什么。

passenger7866UID: 2701017

辛苦了 谢谢~~ 6# mpromanus