【clover】Argument147 习作 by tofee

tofeeUID: 2485486

The arguer predict the rebound of the sales volum seems logical according to a survey. The new prduct cater to the custom’s favor to the lifelike graphics, and the extensive advertising campaign directed to the potential customers profile reassure the arguer that the sales of video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.

The decline of the Whirlwind video games(WW) may caused by other critical factor than the lifegraphic techniques or advertising. Perhaps the video game itself is out of date, and bounds to
replaced by others. Or the WW have other shortcomings that strangle its sales. The factors that may influence the turnover include the price and the appearance. And, for the digital products, the customers could also consider the update facility, the customer service and the content of the product before they buy them. Perhaps the WW not popular because of its bad engineering designs, or uncompetitive price. if so, the lifelike graphic technic and promotion strategy could not help to lift the sales.

And, even if the lifelike graphic technics could bring up the quality of the product significantly, it may also bring new shortcomings, and may not lead to the sales of the video game thrive. The new product have the up-to-date computer and may have higher price, which could be a less advantage to the buyers. And, perhaps there have already been similar product, with the lifelike graphic computer, in the market. It could foreshadow the defeated.

The extensive advertising campaign may help to rise the sales, but not sure either. The age oriented advertising may attract the potential players, but players may not necessarily the buyers. Perhaps the this kind of video games is not recommended to the children and adolescents by the educator, and the parents does not willing to buy such present. Or perhaps such game is forbidden to take into the school. Even if the promotion strategy have the correct orientation, they may not lead to the good sales, if the pool of the potential buyers is shink than they expected.

In conclusion, the new technics and promotion could not lead to the flourish sales. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should excluded other possibles that cause the decline of the sales. Moreover, the arguer need more information about the survey and the market analysis in order to solidify the argument.

桔子susanUID: 2754084

已经改好了，貌似用word改后再贴出来，确实有些问题，这次我就传附件上来吧。
argument147--tofee 第一次修改by 桔子susan.doc (33.5 KB, 下载次数: 8)

2010-2-1 18:06:58 上传

下载次数: 8

tofeeUID: 2485486

非常感谢susan的修改，让我学到了很多。贴出来自勉

拼写错误
错误（正解）
语法问题

个人意见与逻辑分析

【clover】Aw147 习作 by tofee

The arguer predict the rebound of the sales volum(volume) seems logical according to a survey. The new
prduct(product) cater to the custom(应该是customer吧)’s favor to the lifelike graphics, and the extensive advertising campaign directed to the potential customers profile reassure the arguer that the sales of video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.（这里你想表达的应该是作者认为对应的新产品与针对性的广告可得出该公司销售量将在未来几个月中迅速提升。

首先从阅读者的角度说，容易让人误解（我开始看的时候差点误解，还是用作者或者argument作主语比较好，这属个人意见），从语法上来说，The new product cater to the customer’s favor to the lifelike graphics, lifelike graphics是修饰customer’s favor的,用to连接不当，用of吧。同时，你这个and前后是一句话，还是两句话。即reassure的主语单指advertising还是包括了对应的新产品。如果是后者，那么and前面那句话中new product应该用定语从句修饰，否则那句话不能作为主语的。然后reassure the arguer that…这里that后面指的应该是文章观点而不是arguer，还有profile是名词，用来修饰reassure应该用副词形式）

The decline of the Whirlwind video games(WW) may caused by other critical factor than（一般用于比较吧，这里用不合适）the lifegraphic techniques or advertising. Perhaps the video game itself is out of date, (这个逗号个人觉着有点多余，tofee可以看看那个语法学习系列)and bounds to

replaced by others.（这个be bound to是注定的意思，这里太肯定了一些吧，游戏不一定会马上淘汰，即使很久以后淘汰与你的argument也无关） Or the WW have other shortcomings that strangle its sales. The factors that may influence the turnover include the price and the appearance. And, for the digital products, the customers could also consider the update facility, the customer service and the content of the product before they buy them. Perhaps the WW is（缺少了动词，加上is）
not popular because of its bad engineering designs, or uncompetitive price. If so, the lifelike graphic technic and promotion strategy could not help to lift the sales.
And, even if the lifelike graphic technics could bring up the quality of the product significantly, it may also bring new shortcomings, and may not lead to the sales of the video game thrive（这是一个动词）. The new product have the up-to-date computer （不是new product有up-to-date computer,而是需要up-to-date computer）and may have higher price, which could be a less advantage to the buyers. And, perhaps there have already been similar product（这里应该有问题，一下子没想到怎么改）, with the lifelike graphic computer（这个lifelike graphic修饰的是game，不是computer）, in the market. It could foreshadow the defeated（童鞋，defeated不能当名词用的吧，还有你这个结论的推导和作者逻辑错误没有完全结合起来）.
The extensive advertising campaign may help to rise the sales, but not sure either. The age oriented advertising may attract the potential players, but players may not necessarily the buyers. Perhaps the this kind of video games is not recommended to the children and adolescents by the educator（这个你想表达的是什么）, and the parents does not willing to buy such present. Or perhaps such game is forbidden to take into the school. Even if the promotion strategy have the correct orientation, they may not lead to the good sales, if the pool of the potential buyers is shrink（这是什么单词，我在韦氏字典上没查到）than they expected.
In conclusion, the new technics and promotion could not lead to the flourish sales. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should excluded（这是排斥的意思，你要表达的是考虑，包括的意思吧）other possibles that cause the decline of the sales. Moreover, the arguer need more information about the survey（这里你可以在前面阐述一下survey的不合理性） and the market analysis in order to solidify the argument.

嗯，我觉着语法错误多了一点，逻辑结构也不够清晰，貌似中间三段都在分析这种游戏可能存在的不足，而没有与作者的逻辑错误分析联系到一起。嗯，我改得可能比较苛刻，请见谅

wcnkUID: 2546550

万恶的掉色！！

只能发word了
I_104和A_147在一起~~