【Clover】argument147 by taotaole

taotaoleUID: 2694983

第一次写A……快瞎了已经，明天再好好改改，越写越觉得混乱啊。
Argument147
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
The notion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion with the support of the survey and the operating fact of the company. However, such claim by the magazine is unreliable with the scrutinizing in the following aspects.
First of all, the survey is discreditably conducted in terms of its procedure, result and respondents. Firstly, from the survey quoted in the argument, we find no sign of such procedures for random sampling or the quantity of the sample, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general attitudes of all video players as a whole and if the survey is able to show the most typical ideas of all the players. Secondly, the result of the survey is ambiguous and offers a far more unpractical suggestion.
The arguer doesn’t point out the exact percentage of respondents who hold the preference, and we know the proportion of fifty percent is quite different from the percentage of ninety percent, so there is no guarantee for the credit of such result. Besides, the answer to “prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers” is interesting, since the fact the most up-to-date computers are always emerging in an endless stream and with an extravagant price. We may wonder that how much of the video players may afford such a sum to satisfy their thirst only for the visual pleasure when playing video games. What’s more, if they cannot play the game to their satisfaction since the unavailability of the latest computer, how much is possibility for them to actually purchase a considerable amount of video games? Thirdly, the respondents in the survey and the target consumers in evidence the arguer provides show a blur casual relationship. Based on the survey result, the arguer supplies the fact that the company has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. But we should notice that there is no mention of the age group in the survey at all. As a result, the inappropriate supplement evidence and the ambiguous survey are to lead an unwarranted assumption.
Next, the assumption the arguer claims makes a cause and effect fallacy. He makes his conclusion because he believes that a correct extensive advertising campaign follows the sudden increasing sales in a short time. In fact, the improvement of the sales is caused by several determinants, for example the quality of the product, the price of the product, the environment of the market and the situation of its competitor. While, here the arguer applies for the separate elements of the campaign and the blur judgment of the consumers’ preference to assert the dramatic increase of the video game. Taking the fact that the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years into consideration, we can see that its sale may not be that simple to greatly change within several months and the failure of the sale may be more complicated than it seems. And the arguer simply assume the cause and effect relationship because of the post hoc, meaning that after the successful campaign and the result should be the dramatic increasing sales.
To sum up, the argument for the sales of Whirlwind video games based on the survey and the campaign of the company suffers deficient support. Before offering a more precise and creditable survey result and a in-depth investigation of the whole market, the development of the sales in Whirlwind remain to be seen.

gc1030255UID: 2550033

Argument147 by taotaole
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The notion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion with the support of the survey and the operating fact of the company. However, such claim by the magazine is unreliable with the scrutinizing in the following aspects.【开头万用句套模板的感觉，建议改改】

First of all, the survey is discreditably conducted in terms of its procedure, result and respondents. Firstly, from the survey quoted in the argument, we find no sign of such procedures for random sampling or the quantity of the sample, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general attitudes of all video players as a whole and if the survey is able to show the most typical ideas of all the players（前一句已用if，建议变换，如whether）. Secondly, the result of the survey is ambiguous and offers a far more unpractical suggestion. The arguer doesn’t point out the exact percentage of respondents who hold the preference, and we know the proportion of fifty percent is quite different from the percentage of ninety percent, so there is no guarantee for the credit of such result. Besides, the answer to “prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers” is interesting, since the fact the most up-to-date computers are always emerging in an endless stream and with an extravagant price. We may wonder that how much（many） of the video players may afford such a sum to satisfy their thirst only for the visual pleasure when playing video games. What’s more, if they cannot play the game to their satisfaction since the unavailability of the latest computer, how much is possibility for them to actually purchase a considerable amount of video games? Thirdly, the respondents in the survey and the target consumers in evidence the arguer provides show a blur casual relationship. Based on the survey result, the arguer supplies the fact that the company has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old（建议改写，不要直接引用原文）, the age-group most likely to play video games. But we should notice that there is no mention of the age group in the survey at all. As a result, the inappropriate supplement evidence and the ambiguous survey are to lead an unwarranted assumption.【结构较严谨，调理清晰，句型有些略显单调，建议变换一下，不要都是we may/should/can XX】

Next, the assumption the arguer claims makes a cause and effect fallacy. He makes his conclusion because he believes that a correct extensive advertising campaign follows the sudden increasing sales in a short time. In fact, the improvement of the sales is caused by several determinants, for example（such as） the quality of the product, the price of the product, the environment of the market and the situation of its competitor. While, here the arguer applies for the separate elements of the campaign and the blur judgment of the consumers’ preference to assert the dramatic increase of the video game（sale）. Taking the fact that the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years into consideration, we can see that its sale may not be that simple to greatly change within several months and the failure of the sale may be more complicated than it seems. And the arguer simply assume the cause and effect relationship because of the post hoc, meaning that after the successful campaign and the result should be the dramatic increasing sales. 【逻辑基本严谨，句型某些有点生硬】

To sum up, the argument for the sales of Whirlwind video games based on the survey and the campaign of the company suffers deficient support. Before offering a more precise and creditable survey result and a in-depth investigation of the whole market, the development of the sales（建议用sales development） in Whirlwind remain to be seen.【结尾简单明了，remain to be seen的用法很值得学习】

红色为我认为有问题处，绿色为修改意见，蓝色为整段评价

通篇逻辑线路还是很清晰的，拼写，语法都没太大问题，建议变换下句型~
第一次写ARGU……第一次改ARGU……见谅哈~

taotaoleUID: 2694983

辛苦小G了~憋了好久，实在不知道Argument 要怎么写，就照着模板指导什么的写了，还要好好摸索经验才是。谢谢你的建议，争取不断进步才是啊！

taotaoleUID: 2694983

改过的……变动不是很大，之后看过些范文明白了些，下次继续~
The notion that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months seems at first glance to be an obvious conclusion with the support of the survey and the operating fact of the company. However, such claim by the magazine is unreliable with the scrutinizing in the following aspects.(就只有个别地方用的是套话，实在不知道怎么开头……还要再积累着改写)
First of all, the survey is discreditably conducted in terms of its procedure, result and respondents. Firstly, from the survey quoted in the argument, there is no sign of such procedures for random sampling or the quantity of the sample, and it has good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general attitudes of all video players as a whole and whether the survey is able to show the most typical ideas of all the players. Secondly, the result of the survey is ambiguous and offers a far more unpractical suggestion.  The arguer doesn’t point out the exact percentage of respondents who hold the preference, and we know the proportion of fifty percent is quite different from the percentage of ninety percent, (这句会不会多余？还是要说得更清楚些好？)so there is no guarantee for the credit of such result. Besides, the answer to “prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers” is interesting, since the fact that the most up-to-date computers are always emerging in an endless stream and with an extravagant price. It may be wondered that how many of the video players may afford such a sum to satisfy their thirst only for the visual pleasure when playing video games. What’s more, if they cannot play the game to their satisfaction since the unavailability of the latest computer, how much is possibility for them to actually purchase a considerable amount of video games? Thirdly, the respondents in the survey and the target consumers in evidence that the arguer provides show a blur casual relationship. Based on the survey result, the arguer supplies the fact that the company has just introduced several such games with a vast advertising campaign directed at the most potential buyers of 10 to 25 years-old group. But we should notice that there is no mention of the age group in the survey at all. As a result, the inappropriate supplement evidence and the ambiguous survey are to lead an unwarranted assumption.
Next, the assumption the arguer claims makes a cause and effect fallacy. He makes his conclusion because he believes that a correct extensive advertising campaign follows the sudden increasing sales in a short time. In fact, the improvement of the sales is caused by several determinants, for example the quality of the product, the price of the product, the environment of the market and the situation of its competitor. While, here the arguer applies for the separate elements of the campaign and the blur judgment of the consumers’ preference to assert the dramatic increase of the video game. Taking the fact that the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years into consideration, we can see that its sale may not be that simple to greatly change within several months and the failure of the sale may be more complicated than it seems. And the arguer simply assume the cause and effect relationship because of the post hoc, meaning that after the successful campaign and the result should be the dramatic increasing sales.
To sum up, the argument for the sales of Whirlwind video games based on the survey and the campaign of the company suffers deficient support. Before offering a more precise and creditable survey result and a in-depth investigation of the whole market, the development of the sales in Whirlwind remain to be seen.

九天揽月UID: 2737667

感觉论证思想很丰富啊……学习了