【clover】Argument147 习作by 小g

gc1030255UID: 2550033

ARGUMENT147
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The editorial argues that the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. The author provides a survey that game players prefer life like graphics than another features in the games which is just a strong part in Whirlwind. Also the arguer shows the Whirlwind directly introduced such games to people at the age thought to most likely play video games. These reasons may be convinced at first glance, however, all the evidences are insignificant and doubtful.

First, the author provides no assurances that the survey’s results on which the argument depends are statistically reliable. No strong evidence could indicate that players 10-25 years old will prefer such kind of video games, apart from teenagers, large numbers of adults could become potential game fans. This survey fails to cover all the possibilities of samples, which may result in a false conclusion. What’s more, the arguer assumes that players prefer lifelike graphics in games will purchase the games. As we know, videogames are most attractive to students who can’t afford. Even if they are fond of such type of games so much, still they lack of money to purchase it. Therefore, arguer’s survey fails to tell us the propensity can convert to real purchase. Moreover, even these people can afford buying such games, the high requirement of a most up-to-date computers pour out game fans’ passion. It is quite expensive for someone to update his of her computer meanwhile people rich enough may consider if it is worthy for just playing video games. Lack of the detail of people’s such propensity, the argument is weaken to stand arguer’s view. Following this, the arguer does not tell us the real reason for the declination of sales of video games over past two years. It is doubtful to conclude from the argument that a type will lifelike graphics can impel Whirlwind’s sale. The main reasons for the declination may be as follows, the bad service of the company, the high price of the product, the quality of the game, the competition of other companies or the economic recession. The arguer can not make me convinced without ruling out other possible related factors. Finally, even if the sales of Whirlwind video games are probably to increase, it won’t take only a few months. The timing of market requirements maybe periodic, when vacation comes, the sales will sharply rise up.

To sum up, the arguer should offer the date of people who are sure to buy the product and owns the most up -to -date computer rather than the ones who prefer the lifelike graphics in video games. To better prove the point, the arguer should find the real reason for the declination and solve the problem to increase the sales.

我要晕过去鸟~睡了先~明早再写再改

chaliaUID: 2589767

sorry~sorry~ 小g... 我改晚了...下次改正!!!


The editorial argues that the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. The author provides a survey that (shows) game players prefer lifelike graphics than another features(赘余,而且prefer 一般跟to,不跟than连接) in the games which is just a strong part in Whirlwind(如果just a strong part是优势强项的意思的话,这里有些不对了吧..author说了 whirlwind 在lifelike上是强项吗?). Also the arguer shows the Whirlwind directly introduced such games to people at the age thought to most likely play video games(这句话感觉怪怪的..把这类游戏introduce给一类被认为喜欢玩video games的人,不太通把,应该是被认为喜欢玩这类游戏的人,而非喜欢玩游戏的人.而且在语法上,个人认为在形容people的时候加个从句可能会更好一点). These reasons may be convinced at first glance, however, all the evidences are insignificant and doubtful.

开头采用了复述作者的方式,尽管偶也是这种方式的忠实fans..但是大部分人都说不应该再复述了.应该直接指出作者的错误..在这一点上,和小g共勉~

First, the author provides no assurances that the survey’s results on which the argument depends(这个有点罗嗦..建议去掉) are statistically reliable. No strong evidence could indicate that players 10-25 years old will prefer such kind of video games, apart from teenagers, large numbers of adults could become potential game fans. This survey fails to cover all the possibilities of samples, which may result in a false conclusion.(不是survey fails to cover,而是作者没有给出到底survey的sample包括了什么人.) What’s more, the arguer assumes that players prefer lifelike graphics in games will purchase the games. As we know, videogames are most attractive to students who can’t afford. Even if they are fond of such type of games so much(感觉可以不要.如果硬要给fond of加个修饰的话,可用在they are xxx fond of这加,so much像个小尾巴..怪怪的..), still they lack of money to purchase it. Therefore, arguer’s survey fails to tell us the propensity can convert to real purchase欣赏这句话~赞~. Moreover, even these people can afford buying(to buy? 可能buying也对..不过总觉得to buy更顺点) such games, the high requirement of a most up-to-date computers pour out game fans’ passion. It is quite expensive for someone to update his of her(建议把someone 和 his or her改成 people 和 their) computer meanwhile people(those who are) rich enough may consider if it is worthy for just playing video games. Lack of the detail of (lack of和detail of的两个of重复,建议改成lacking) people’s such propensity, the argument is weaken to stand arguer’s view. Following this, the arguer does not tell us the real reason for the declination of sales of video games over past two years. It is doubtful to conclude from the argument that a type will(with) lifelike graphics can impel Whirlwind’s sale. The main reasons for the declination may be as follows, the bad service of the company, the high price of the product, the quality of the game, the competition of other companies or the economic recession. The arguer can not make me convinced without ruling out other possible related factors. Finally, even if the sales of Whirlwind video games are probably to increase, it won’t take only a few months. The timing of market requirements maybe periodic, when vacation comes, the sales will sharply rise up.

To sum up, the arguer should offer the date(??) of people who are sure to buy the product(arguer 提供不了这种数据,因为我们无法得知到底谁会sure to buy) and owns the most up -to -date computer rather than the ones who prefer the lifelike graphics in video games. To better prove the point, the arguer should find the real reason for the declination and solve the problem to increase the sales.


可能是小g忘记分段了..所以导致中间一大段里有好多好多reasons, 建议下次把几个集中要说的东西放在一段里,分成几段,这样会使得条理更清楚哦~~

gc1030255UID: 2550033

我的错阿我的错，改了忘记贴上来~
害taotaole同学改了原版~ sorry~~

gc1030255UID: 2550033

taotaole同学改过的~贴上来~