Penguin Come In~~~作文求拍ing。。。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

15# 皇甫秋荻

When asked about whether our governments should spend more money on improving public transportation than on improving accessing to the internet, a large majority of people may claim that compared with public transportation, accessing to the internet should be improved by spending more money on it, in that the internet has play an indispensable part in our modern life, which makes our life and work more comfortable and less laborious. However, from my own perspective, I’m in favor of the opinion that public transportation and accessing to the internet should advance side by side for the following reasons. (Note: I'll not correct the rest of the 'accessing internet's in the essay. This is an obvious error in your given question's phrasing. Of course, real TOEFL essay questions will not be like this, but then again, being able to spot an error when there indeed is one is an important ability everyone should consider developing.)

Public transportation is a fundamental in our daily life. For example, we go shopping by cars (Cars generally do not count as 'public transportation' because, well, cars are owned by private people.), go on a journeys by planes or trains, and even go to workplaces by buses or by bikes. In a word, people, from everywhere, cannot live without vehicles. But there are also a lot of problems that should be solved efficiently and effectively. Take my experience as an example: (Take note of the punctuation.) many city residents in my hometown always complain that there is are so few buses in the city that they have to spend much more (Compared with?) time waiting for a buses, which is are usually crowded with a large number of passengers. Thus, our government should pay more attention on this matter that amounts of money should be spent on public buses. Besides, the road condition is also a limitation for the traffic. The highways (Generally speaking, keep nouns in plural is safer.)is are so narrow that it they cannot allow enough transports to get through, especially at busy intersections, which it undoubtedly worsens the already grave situation. Therefore, the government should appropriate sufficient funds for building the appropriate roads. What's more, the government should also concentrate on pollution problems which caused by public transportation. If we don't care about the air pollution, it also has to cost a large sum of money for us to improve it (I don't get this one. If you don't care about the pollution, why would you spend money to 'improve' it anyway?). So, the public transportation is a matter which no country can afford to ignore.

In addition, accessing internet is also an essential part in people’s daily life. Public transport is a path for material transportation while accessing internet is a path for knowledge communication. Because a lot of information, including that on both our studies and work, can be searched for effectively and efficiently. what we have to do is just input the keywords and click the "go", then all related information we want to search for will display on the screen. Meanwhile, if a government spends more money on the accessing internet, it will be convenient for our daily communication. For example, we can send e-mails to our bosses or colleagues for the job problems, or chat online with our relatives and friends to promote emotional touch. (Is the internet's functionality all about searching and emailing and online chats? You're really missing out on what the world wide web is powerful enough to do XD) Moreover, internet also exhibits some negative factors, like internet fraud, social desolation, violence tendency and so on. Therefore, the government should spend money to curb the whole harmful things.(Now this last point has little to do with improving the 'access' to the internet. It's something that comes more like AFTER the access is improved.)

On the whole, only in this way (What way?) can we boost our social development in an all-around way. And any government which is blind to either of them may pay a heavy price.

总结：

语法上请特别注意一下单复数，有些地方非常混乱。另外要注意一下几个地方表达不清晰。语言和论述方面总体有进步。互联网的那段最后注意一下论述，上网的不好处和网络的access是两个不同的问题，不要因为说的是互联网就把和互联网有关的东西都写出来 - 还是那句话，避免抓住题目中的名词就开始想好处坏处，要注意题目问的到底是什么。

另外，题目是agree/disagree，你选择中立态度，论述的方面来说不是绝对不可以，但是因为题目格式所限，中立写法不在一般的写法之类，不容易写。所以题目中两个方面的‘可中立性’，就是像你在互联网那一段开头所做的和公共交通的平行对比，要特别明显，特别有力，最好提到开头段去，再更加详细地解释一下。这样比较有说服力。

皇甫秋荻UID: 2638790

不舍。。。恩。