issue130,觉得有点像arg,但我还不知道arg怎么写呢。。。求拍啊，2.10考

doudou4208UID: 2755549

issue130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

     They may be right about socialized children affect the destiny of society, but they seem to neglect to mention/take into account the fact that the destiny of society is not only determined by socialized children,but other variety sides like education,society system and so on. By the same token,the chances that raise fully developed children are good for the destiny of society in the long term. One cannot just say the stand or fall of a society.
     One reason for my fundamental agreement with the speaker is that most of the success have high Eomotion Quotient which well represented by socialize. Then socialize seemed as one of key factors that determine whether a young people can attain his/her goal. To illustrate this point persuasively, here is an model that in a mass of universities in China, there are oftentimes hold prelections that invite famouse people of that city such as entrepreneurs. And the lectures are more on how to cultivate one's eloquence, how to deal with others when mix in and other subjects about socialize with people. As a university student, we must not ignore the socialize skill and everyone pay attention to culture the skill.

    Although I acknowledge the significance of children are socialized, it is critical how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society and we cannot bring about a better society for we cannot raise children socialized. First, the destiny of a society is immaterial and the criteria cannot simple be stand or fall. A society consists of diversified facets and the decisive factor cannot just be one or one aspect. Condersider, for instance, a family,the smallest unit of the society, is made of at least two unique people and each family has different features. So I cannot help to ask how the society, consists of such variety facets, to be so simple that can determine by how children are socialized. Second, in respect that socity is complicated and immaterial, the criterion of a society also cannot tell according one aspect.For this reason, how to estimate a society should be a complicated learning that need researchers investigate in depth.         

    It is true that socialized children make us feel more confortable in communication. However, if children socialized beyong their nature age, there is no benefits for their personal development. The main reason is that one should own what he ought to have at the right age.Here is a good example that can explain my reason. A British boy, younger than 18, be a father and cannot help stopping his school work to find a job for raising the infant. After few years, he said he was envious of his friends who still study at school and he would never let his child do the thing as him. At that time the news had a strong impact over the world. Why people care the boy? Because most of them feel pity for him and his lost opportunities belonging to him. So if children socialized beyond their age, we should feel pity for them but not exciting.      

     Simply put, the destiny of society is caused by plenty of factors, socialized children is just one of them. Rather than worried about how to raise children we pay attention to society,fully developed. With the improvenment of humanity and thoughts, the developing direction of society may be changed and adopt to the circumstances at that time.

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

刚很仔细地改了这篇文章，结果网络出问题全没了，真是悲剧。。。现在没时间也没精力了，只能挑重点改了。。。

issue130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

     They may be right about socialized children affect the destiny of society, but they seem to neglect to mention/take into account the fact that the destiny of society is not only determined by socialized children,but other variety sides like education,society system and so on. By the same token,the chances that raise fully developed children are good for the destiny of society in the long term. One cannot just say the stand or fall of a society.
     首段没有明确提出自己的立场，而是一直在反驳。反驳的事情放到后面的论证里面，首段应该开门见山提出观点，有时间有能力的话可以加点backgound。
     没有明确socialization的定义，这个定义很重要，可以放在首段，我认为最好放在第二段讲socialization的重要性的时候。
     另外，语法错误很多。

     
     One reason for my fundamental agreement with the speaker is that most of the success have high Eomotion Quotient which well represented by socialize. Then socialize seemed as one of key factors that determine whether a young people can attain his/her goal. To illustrate this point persuasively, here is an model that in a mass of universities in China, there are oftentimes hold prelections that invite famouse people of that city such as entrepreneurs. And the lectures are more on how to cultivate one's eloquence, how to deal with others when mix in and other subjects about socialize with people. As a university student, we must not ignore the socialize skill and everyone pay attention to culture the skill.
      还是没有明确的分论点，一开头就是one reason，the reason for what？不够明确。这段你想说社会化的重要性，但是后面的那个中国大学的例子根本不能说明问题，那只是一个大学的举动，充其量是社会化内容的一种解释，但是他所带来的结果你完全没有提。去听讲座的孩子后来有没有为社会做贡献？不去听讲座的孩子呢？你并没有论证社会化的作用啊。
      语法错误还是很多，建议到word里去看看有多少绿线好好改一下。

    Although I acknowledge the significance of children are socialized, it is critical how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society and we cannot bring about a better society for we cannot raise children socialized. First, the destiny of a society is immaterial and the criteria cannot simple be stand or fall. A society consists of diversified facets and the decisive factor cannot just be one or one aspect. Condersider, for instance, a family,the smallest unit of the society, is made of at least two unique people and each family has different features. So I cannot help to ask how the society, consists of such variety facets, to be so simple that can determine by how children are socialized. Second, in respect that socity is complicated and immaterial, the criterion of a society also cannot tell according one aspect.For this reason, how to estimate a society should be a complicated learning that need researchers investigate in depth.   
    首句TS表意不明，critical这个词用的不对，后面bring about a better society更是无中生有，你后面的论证中并未提到这个问题。
    你这段是想说社会化不能决定孩子的命运，但是你没有举出任何能对社会命运产生影响的其他因素。      

    It is true that socialized children make us feel more confortable in communication. However, if children socialized beyong their nature age, there is no benefits for their personal development. The main reason is that one should own what he ought to have at the right age.Here is a good example that can explain my reason. A British boy, younger than 18, be a father and cannot help stopping his school work to find a job for raising the infant. After few years, he said he was envious of his friends who still study at school and he would never let his child do the thing as him. At that time the news had a strong impact over the world. Why people care the boy? Because most of them feel pity for him and his lost opportunities belonging to him. So if children socialized beyond their age, we should feel pity for them but not exciting.  
   这段写偏掉了，题目是让你讨论孩子的社会化是否能决定社会的命运以及我们的社会有没有很好地教育孩子使他们很好地社会化，而至于社会化的程度对孩子的影响不是你需要关心的话题。
      

     Simply put, the destiny of society is caused by plenty of factors, socialized children is just one of them. Rather than worried about how to raise children we pay attention to society,fully developed. With the improvenment of humanity and thoughts, the developing direction of society may be changed and adopt to the circumstances at that time.

     几点建议：

     1. 语法错误太多，以后放到word里自己修一下再发上来。
     2. TS不明确，结构混乱是这篇文章的最大问题。全文TS要在首段明确提出，各段分论点也要在各段前明确提出，全文围绕TS展开论证。
     3. 没有严密的逻辑论证，例子不合适。
     4. 对socialization的定义不明确。
     5. 题目的后半句，即社会是否学会很好的完成children的socialization没有论述。这个建议去看看imong前辈的帖子，里面有关于这种两个小观点组合成的题型的专门解读。

     lz时间比较紧，接下来几天在进行限时模考的同时，要仔细反复修改自己以前的文章。

     下面附上我自己的提纲，希望对你理清文章结构有所帮助：

AdelineShenUID: 2630498

1.        社会化的定义，承认孩子社会化的重要性。社会化帮助孩子学会在这个社会生存、与他人合作、为社会做贡献、实现自己的价值。
2.        但孩子的社会化并不能决定社会的命运，还有很多其他的因素也很重要。例如孩子的兴趣、创造力、个人努力等。举一个虽然小时候没有被很好的socialization但是依然为社会做出巨大贡献的例子。
3.        至于社会是否学会了将孩子培养成有用人才的问题，我同意作者的观点，我们做的确实远远不够。例如过于注重技能教育而忽视了道德和人文教育

doudou4208UID: 2755549

3# AdelineShen

doudou4208UID: 2755549

2# AdelineShen


十分感谢，我现在实在是处于初级阶段，有个弱智问题想请教下，为什么需要论证社会化的作用？我写这篇文章确实没有什么好的例子，所以就想从另一个方面论证，就是纯说道理，但不知道这样说有没有逻辑或者符不符合主题。因为我确实觉得影响社会就是多方面的因素，各种因素结合才能决定社会，所以没有举出可以影响社会的因素。这样写在gre作文里不太好吧？最后一段确实写得有问题，我想表达的意思是，如果太注重孩子一个方面的培养，以后社会是不能全面发展的，是有问题的，（因为实在不知道写什么了）。但貌似我写偏了。麻烦你能就我的思路问题帮我改正一下么？谢谢啦~~
PS：我把文章放到word里了，但只有几个拼写错误，大的语法错误不太多，所以麻烦你能详细说下我的语法错误是哪些么，我好及时改正，十分感谢~~