★头脑风暴-独立写作<互改组>

beverly910614UID: 2728081

狐狸，恕我狠拍鸟~如果不想下次就提醒我别狠拍鸟~~我就轻拍~O(∩_∩)O~

绿色是删除的，坛子里一发表就没有删除线了，我把WORD附件也加在下面了，你自己下了看吧。

With the trend of internationalization growing, it is more and more important to learn about foreign countries. There are so many ways can be chosen for people to acquire knowledge on
of the other countries such as newspapers, magazines, televisions, etc. Some people declare that newspapers and magazines are the best way to learmlearn about foreign countries and I definitely agree with this statement.

The primary reason is that newspaper and magazine are media easy and convenient for us to get access to. No one can deny that it will save our much money on acquire knowledge through newspaper and magazine rather than travelling abroad. For example, we can easily get newspapers and magazines, such as New York Times, by purchasing in the bookstore or borrowing from the libraries with a little money. However, going to a forerignforeign country will cost us thousands of dollars which could not be afforded by everyone.

Another reason which cannot be neglected is that we can read the newspapers and magazines in anywhere on anytime that we want. After a day of tidioustedious(我发现你很喜欢用这个词哈，口语里面也是用的这个词) work, when I wait for a bus at the busstopbus stop, I would like to read the beautiful pictures of a foreign courntycountry to kill time. Along with the beautiful pictures and vivid articles writenwritten by the author, I find myself dawn in the a different country, while there is little time for me to have a trip to a forerignforeign country.

Finally, the imformationinformation of newspapers and magazines is confirmed by authority. Compare with other medias such as internet, information of newspapers and magazines are edited in long time and examined carefully.(这个理由不太充分吧，other medias such as internet 也有控制的，而且杂志也是分很多种的，像一些纯娱乐杂志都是很自由的。) For instance, I have read a lot of articles about the present Japan president, but much contradicted information made me confused.（这里应该说明你是通过哪种渠道看到的这些articles，这样才好和后面比较。呼~第一次看你这段我还真给confused 了） After I read some magazines which described today’s Japan and its president in such details, I began to have a imagine about the president.
(this example seems little strange. Let me read carefully~这个例子还是觉得牵强了一点。可以再想想合适的，个人感觉换个论点比较好说。 )
From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that it is a best choice for us to learn foreign countries from newspapaersnewspapers and magazines. They not only will can save much money and much time , but also can and provide accurate information(这个还是换了吧。。站不住脚。) for us.（3个AND~!! 这样不好，冗杂了。）

建议狐狸可以看看OG里的WRITING HAND BOOK， 学学里面的写法~嘻嘻~~
加油加油~总的来说很不错了~

showgood07UID: 2605959

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Newspapers and magazines are the best way of learning about a foreign country?

Nowadays, people can learn about foreign countries through different methods, such as internet, TV programs or radios. Also, people even can go to foreign countries to learn what they want to learn about. Newspapers and magazines are no longer the only two nice ways（想表达的是“不再是两条唯一的好方法”，但是这样来表达是否妥当？） which can convey a lot of information to people（convey用得很漂亮）. Therefore, I strongly favor the idea that newspapers and magazines are not the best way of getting to know foreign countries. Some arguments are listed as follow.

To begin with, modern technology has enabled（这个词用得很漂亮） us to have easier access to a huge amount of information. Take internet for example, searching the information （少了介词）the internet only cost us a matter of seconds. If we want to search the information about other countries, we can just type the key words of that country（我觉得到了key word就可以了） which we really want to know（这句话很简单，但是很实用，用得也很到位）. Then a bunch of information would come out in front of our eyes. We even can find some introductory videos on the internet. These may help us to understand that country more deeply. But the newspapers and magazines cannot provide such a large amount information to people within such a short time.

Furthermore, the transportation（这个词来概括，有点过于简单和草率，因为形式多种多样，包括旅行，留学，经商等等） is developed very well today. People can go to foreign countries to travel easily. By travelling foreign countries, people would have a directly sense about those countries. For example, I went to Canada five years ago. I was impressed by its beautiful maple forests. When I walked in the Stany National Park, I was impressed by its beautiful maple forests, and the totem, which has a long history in Canada. In addition, by communicating with Canadians, I've learned a lot customs and culture of Canada. These directly way of learning about foreign countries cannot be experienced by people who just reading newspapers or magazines.

All in all, I still hold the opinion that newspapers and magazines are not the best way to get to know foreign countries. Not only because modern technology can provide people chances of learning about other countries, but also because （这样的表达，有点怪怪的，可能是我的问题）people can go to foreign countries easily through the strong transportation.

总结：pet写得很不错，简单明了，但不缺乏变化，有很多很好的词语，和很多平时说得很多，但是不会觉得很好掌握的句子，很不错。
可以再挖掘文章的深度，增加一些内涵，example不错，但是detail不多，这个希望加强，喜欢用从句，这是优点，但是注意适度使用。
总体来说很不错，表扬一个！

fatruiUID: 2726256

To 骄傲

We must admit the fact that newspapers and magazines play a（an） important role in our life, its help us to learn about different cultures. However, according to this reason, some people believed that newspapers and magazines are the best way of learning about a foreign country is unbefitting. As far as I am concerned, newspapers and magazines are the one of good way rather than best way of learning about a foreign country（这句学习了）

First of all, internet is an other（another） way of learning about a freign（foreign） country. No invention has received more praise and abuse than Internet.（这个用135的句型啊，可是这里不应该说abuse吧） It is a window which show different cultures and different customs to human. People seems（seem） to overlooks（overlooking） the basic fact that internet’s major function is obtain resource from it. An investigation shows that people in growing numbers are beginning to believe that through the internet contribute directly to enhancing their eyeshot. Also, internet cannot be compared with other means of media like newspaper and magazines for speed and（accurate？）. A good example, the information on Internet, has contained most information（时态有问题 为什么用完成时？contain most information貌似表达不太好） on newspaper and magazine, and, the renewal speed of information on Internet is much faster than magazine and newspaper. Numeous（numerous） of populace, from motorman to the carrier, from the student to doctor, bring better and more effiecentive（effective） service and more information（and的用法有错误，怎么两个and？） whatever foreigner or foreign place to users through the use of internet.（伦理过程不错，但是论据有点问题，论据少而且没有回扣主题，单单罗列，但是没有说HOW 比如更新速度吧，怎么说它更快呢？举个例子。比如美国打伊拉克的时候，我们可以online看怎么打 但是newspaper就不行了，然后要想办法用例子回扣主题）

Secondly, people can choose go abroad, this way contribute directly to learning about a foreign country which embrace study abroad or evection abroad and international tourism（这个例证好，我当时就傻不会这么想）, we can taste of（of去掉） different cultures by ourselves, altough（although） this way will spend a lot of money. Many people believe that international tourism produce positive effect on civilization and local government should encouraged to promote international tourism.（跑题了） People can communicate with foreigners, through this way, I deem（欣赏这个deem） that we will gain a lot of things（这个things换词，具体点的，比如experience什么的） not only learning about a foreign country but also enhance our ability of communication（毛病和我一样，也是不能很好的回扣主题。而且，少了点对比。可以这么想。我们出国了，贴近别人生活的环境了，这么可以更好的去了解一个国家。而报纸，我们只能片面的去知道，而且报纸带有主观的因素，所以还是出国去好）

Finally, any other way also can learning about a foreign country such as TV program, Movie, E-mail, and so on. We cannot fully know information on newspaper and magazine either. Moreover, the information on newspaper and magazine will not contain each respect（貌似你没时间写了嘛）

From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that both of newspapers and magazines and other waies(ways) are important to learning about a foreign country. Thus, the statement asserts that newspapers and magazines are the best way of learning about a foreign country is improper.(有时间的话，可以回扣一下之前自己的论点)

总结：很不错，没有语法错误，我很是羡慕，还是论证上有问题，建议看看别人范文是怎么写的，可能会好很多。或者读小说那样去读吧 蛮不错的。+oil~

elfomegaUID: 2728180

To Fat
Along with the development of technology, people have more opportunities to contract(这个单词我不知道是否合适，connect会不会更好？)with the foreign country where is in another part(on other side怎么样？) of the world. With the invention---computer make us can received(receive) various information and obtain them immediately. As far as I concerned, I consider is(明显的语法错误，动词后还是动词,这里是不是想说我的想法？my opinion is , I believe 之类的 ) computer let us know much more about countries rather than newspapers or magazines. There are two reasons I want to list in this issue(issue我感觉不太恰当，essay，paper会适合点).

The first reason is that computer provides us many kinds(推荐你个好词 mountains，表示信息量的多，在后天这个电影里学的) of information which cannot gain from newspapers or magazines. Using computer we can more deeply（这个应该放在后面比较好吧，不是特别清楚啊，我语法也不怎么样） know about the other countries too（这个too有点怪异，前面也有同样的观点，为什么要有too）. Like I can just in front of the computer screen, surf（surfing internet，固定用法） the internet, we could communicate with the foreigner（这里是应该foreign，形容词） people by special softwoods（software） or websites like MSN or FACEBOOK. Between the discussions with foreigner I can know what is their real culture which sometimes distorted by newspaper or magazines, （这里放个like，for instants表示你要陈述）what kinds of food they really like and how about their employment situation which we can only know a little from our newspapers and some printed books. Therefore computer produce us more chances to let us know a foreign country.（这句话有点问题，更多的机会了解一个国家？更全面的视角会不会更好？）

More importantly, the second reason why I said computer is a best way to learning about a foreign country is that, by using computer we can attain the useful information of other countries more quickly than by newspapers and magazines. Unlike newspaper or magazines which just printed once a day or once a week, computer can update the information several times a day. Some latest information is significant to us to know about other country. So a good example is that about a serious earthquake occurs in Sichuan, China. When we notice this serious disaster had happened, we can know how the effective measure should be taken by government to help the victims. By this way, we can easily from another different aspect to know a country.(我觉得这个例子还是不错的，举一些时效性比较强的呗。。。。这个，具体我也没有什么好主意)

However newspaper or magazines will only broadcast the stories even in tomorrow morning. But computer can let us know as soon as possible.（多余，重复） However, the newspapers and magazines also provide us a suitable way to know about a foreign country, with the colorful images and fulfilled words. （你是要让步对吧，可以说说杂志和报纸带来的娱乐性）Through the images and words let us know about the foreign country. Nevertheless, the newspapers and magazines just provide us limited information. Unlike computer can provide us amount of information.

From what I discussed above I can firmly conclude that newspapers and magazines is not the best way to know others countries, while computer which can provide much more information and latest information（总结的不错，言简意赅）

语法和单词问题比较大，内容和构架上还是不错的~~~加油！
by 乖乖

eejchenUID: 2225156

请问现在还能报名吗？

wuqian0801UID: 2637709

Meida -2       /2008/12/21
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed.

Nowadays, the development of young children is young children are overly influenced by the overwhelming majorities of communication means. The controversy, should television advertising directed toward young children be allowed, is becoming a heated topic that triggered more and more people feel concern about. My heart felt response to this topic is that television advertising should be prohibited to direct toward young children for the following reasons.

In the first place, young children will lose their innocent when the information which came from television flood to their life. We cannot deny the fact that the information, television advertising broadcasts, are too tanglesome for a little child to receive. For instance, the information characterizes television advertising that is exaggerated and illusory. The most serious consequence is young children would express the incongruent behaviors with their true age. It is unfavorable for young children in their formative stage. Admittedly, television advertising directed toward children should not be encouraged, and even we should carefully censored the television advertising.

In the second place, television advertising is driven by their interests, always use the excitement to appeal publics. Adults can immune from the excitements, while young children are liable to be influenced by television advertising. It will confuse children’s recognition and their notion of thins. In addition, some companies want to differentiate from others, they even broadcast certain unhealthy contents to attract public, including young children. It is undisputable that children will imitate the action which is violent and the fiction which superficial. Children receives those message will be outrageous and eccentric. Consequently, in this sense, television advertising should not be allowed toward young children.

Finally, if television advertising can be censored or controlled by government, it is beneficial to young children to build a harmonious and healthy environment for their growth. Meanwhile it also can decrease the adolescent problems in our society.

To sum up, it is high time to censor the television advertising which now badly effect young children. Therefore when taken the two factors I have mentioned above into account, I definitely hold the point of view that television advertising should not be allowed toward young children.

beverly910614UID: 2728081

2.11

没有在规定时间内写完。╮(╯▽╰)╭ 这题目真的挺难想的。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed.

Nowadays, in order to make profits, different kinds of advertisements begin to rise on TV, especially the advertising which directed toward young children. Some people may believe that it is reasonable to allow these advertising showing for children. However, I strongly favor the idea that television advertising directed toward children should not be allowed. Some arguments are listed as follows.

First, the cost of children products may increase the stress in some families. In advertisement, Colorful pictures, lovely characters, vivid movements can draw children's eyes directly. Even some producers use famous Cartoon figure to attract children. If young children see their favorite characters showing in the advertisement, they may ask their parents for these products. But not every family can afford it, it may bring some stress for certain families. Take my good friend Linlin and I for example, we grow up together when we were nearly 4 years old. Within one period, we all like to watch a Cartoon series which is called The Little Magician Do Re Mi. One night, when we sit in front of the TV, we saw that the Little Magician Do Re Mi has become a beautiful doll. She was dressed in different clothes, such as mini-skirt, coat, dress, etc. She even can make some laughing voice when people pat her. It is very attractive for us, and of course we ask our parents to buy this doll for us. However, when we went to the supermarket, we saw that if we want to buy more clothes or other facilities for the doll, we should pay more money. Also, the whole suit of the doll, including clothes, hat, shoes, etc. would cost our parents nearly half of their salary.

Secondly, young children have limited judgment of whether it is good or bad. They may imitate the negative behavior in the advertisement. This is harmful for children's behavior, even for the society. For example, some advertisements may display fighting movements between the hero and the enemy. Young children have little ability of self-control. and cannot recognize clearly between virtual and reality. Therefore, when it comes to similar situations, they may do the similar behavior which presented in the advertisement, such as attack or fight. These hostile behaviors may hurt others only because the negative effects of the advertisements.

Although some advertising which directed toward young children may can broad young children's imagination, I still believe that they cannot be allowed. Not only because it would cause stress for certain families, but also because these advertisements' negative effects overweight the positive effects on young children.


BY PET

hulinlin24UID: 2731389

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed

Nowadays, advertisers are in business of making money for themselves and their clients through encouraging us to buy products. Some people claim that it is a good way for chlidren to watch the advertising to relax. However, I strongely insist that television advertising directed toward young children should not be allowed for the following reasons.

The primary reason is that it encourages a competition of false values to children. According to a investigation held by Chinese Social Scientific Institution, more than seventy five percent children want to own the latest toys because they eager to keep up with their friends rather than they really need. Chlidren want to have the latest PlayStation Portable which would cost their parents nearly a month salary. These requirements would increase stresses to some families and distract children’ concertrations of their studies.

A further more subtle point children can be misled by the advertising. When I was a chlid, Saturday morning television programs are full of commercial advertisements. A famous pop star showed a product and conveyed the messages that if we want much fun, we must buy the product. Thus, at a very early age, we cannot tell the truth and lie. We are introduced the ideas that if we want to be like someone, we should buy what he or she has. In addition, in order to attract more customers, some advertisements have violent shot, such as fight and attack. Chlidren would like to imitate such fighting behavior of the advertising. This is harmful for chlidren’s mature even for the whole society.

Although from the advertisements, chilren can learn some culture and customs of a foreign country, gain some knowledge of future academic lessons and see the beautiful scenery of some other places that they have not been to, I still believe that advertising should not be allow to children. Not only because it encourages a competition of false values to children, but also because it misleads children.

好难写啊。。。。还好有看media的范文，有偷师。。O(∩_∩)O哈哈~

fatruiUID: 2726256

TOPIC：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed

   Nowadays, we can see many advertisements everywhere, such as website, television program and even in bus station. It is an information explosion era. The topic, whether television advertising directed toward young children caused wild public concern over the world. Parents in the growing number not allow the children watch television. As far as I concern, in my personal opinion, television advertising is play an unhealthy effort on children. There are two reasons I want to list.

   The first reason is that it is waste of time to watching commercial advertising in front of the television. I belt nobody will deny that the main responsibility of the children is to develop their studying abilities and cultivate their imagination. So they should spend more time on their study like basic science or some other educational activities. However many advertisers usually use some celebrities in advertising to attract children to watch their commercial advertising, which distract their energy on study. According to a latest survey, the educational experts point out that the children who spend more time on watching advertising will obtain lower scores in their test or assignment than the children who seldom watching advertising. So the commercial advertising should not admit directed toward children.

   More important, the advertising is misleading children who with poor judgment to buy something they do not really want. By this way will actually produce meaningless cost which will add weight to parents stress. As the Advertiser want to make numerous profits from children, then they will take some tactics to lure children to buy toys. Advertisers will use disclaim or exaggeration to show their product is better or best. Then the children who do not know the true size, construction and performance able to buy the trash toys which will lead their parent spend their money to satisfy their children. I consider not most family is rich enough to buy some toy like PSP, Play Station or Game Boy to their children. This part of cost really let parent's pressure increase. So, parent should not allow the children to watch commercial advertising.

   However, there are not all the advertisings are commercial advertising. There are some educational advertising about some summer-camps which will help children to improve their interpersonal skill and communication skill or distinctive concerts hold in theater. I think this kind of advertising enjoy a positive effect on children.

   From what I discussed above, I can firmly draw a conclusion that commercial advertising should not be directly in front the children, since it is waste of time to watching meaningless advertising and will lead the children buy the toys they not actually need, which will surely enhance their parent life pressure.


Word Count: 389

wuqian0801UID: 2637709

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed.

Nowadays, in order to make profits, different kinds of advertisements begin to rise on TV, especially the advertising which directed toward young children. Some people may believe that it is reasonable to allow these advertising showing for children. However, I strongly favor<favor不是这个用法,be favor of或者你如果要这么说,应该是I strongly support/argue> the idea that television advertising directed toward children should not be allowed. Some arguments<没有不对,但是就是通常不这么说.我觉得. 一般都说My main reasons> are listed as follows.
[Pet的第一段过渡得很自然啊.. 要学习下.. 个别词有小错误. 其余没有.很好.简简单单,明明白白]

First, the cost<用expense吧..> of children products may increase the stress in some families. In advertisement, Colorful pictures, lovely characters, vivid movements can draw children's eyes directly. Even some producers use famous Cartoon figure to attract children. If young children see their favorite characters showing in the advertisement, they may ask their parents for these products. But not every family can afford it, it may bring some stresses[some可以删掉,不然你强调的内容就在some上,rater变成更关注some includes what? 对么?] for certain families. Take my good friend Linlin and I for<as> example, we grow up together when we were nearly 4 years old. Within one period[虚词,which period do you mean? 要说明才觉得是事实.], we all like to watch a Cartoon series which is called The Little Magician Do Re Mi. One night, when we sit<sat> in front of the TV, we saw that the Little Magician Do Re Mi has become a beautiful doll. She was dressed in different clothes, such as mini-skirt, coat, dress, etc. She even can make some laughing voice when people pat her. It is very attractive for us, and of course we ask our parents to buy this doll for us. However, when we went to the supermarket, we saw that if we want to buy more clothes or other facilities for the doll, we should pay more money. Also, the whole suit of the doll, including clothes, hat, shoes, etc. would cost our parents nearly half of their salary.<would nearly cost half of their salary>
[增加家庭负担是很好的理由. 举例说明的时候也觉得很合适. 论证上也没有问题.很好呢,.. 学习!]


Secondly, young children have limited judgment of whether it is good or bad. They may imitate the negative behavior in the advertisement. This is harmful for children's behavior, even for the society. For example, some advertisements<前面的问题,some的出现会起强调作用,人家会想some 包括什么?> may display fighting movements between the hero and the enemy. Young children have little ability of self-control. and cannot recognize clearly between virtual and reality. Therefore, when it comes to similar situations, they may do the similar behavior which presented in the advertisement, such as attack or fight. These hostile behaviors may hurt others only because the negative effects of the advertisements
[Pet的这段总体给我的感觉像issue.. 呵呵~~ 很好..学习!]

Although some advertising which directed toward young children may can broad young children's imagination<我知道你在让步,但是让步与论证之间没有过渡就太突兀了... 会觉得怎么突然跳到这个点上来,然后又回去论证..很奇怪..>, I still believe that they cannot be allowed. Not only because it would cause stress for certain families, but also because these advertisements' negative effects overweight the positive effects on young children.

[总体]:
pet作文很好呢... 论点比我好多了.. 论据也很好.. 特别是第二段.让我有issue的感觉...
逻辑上也圆得很好.. 没什么问题..
要学习你了..
我要+oil了..

By wuqian

showgood07UID: 2605959

TOPIC：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed

No one can deny the fact that the advertisement is packed with our life. With the economic rapid development, people's life style tends to diversification, Television has already become more and more important and TV advertising also play a significant role in our life. An increasing number of companies are beginning to realize that television advertising directed toward young children will bring greater benefit. However, I object to this view strongly.

Frist of all, Apart from the fact that Law of the Protection of Consumers' Rights and Interests, no regular advertiser dare promote a product that fails to live up to the promise of his advertisements. But often such restraint actually cannot play a getting role, especially in the aspect of protecting the young children. Child's soul will be stained which originally pure and kindhearted. they have sold their souls, they corrupt our nation and threaten our children as well, because a lot of advertisements will bring bad influence to child.

Secondly, the young children has no judgement, they usually cannot judge a certain thing is good or bad. Television advertising to utilize this characteristic which young children always will be attracted by the beautiful picture, promote their products and they are only absorbed in their interests. They have ignored the bad influence that they bring to the child's growth. As for this reason, Television advertising directed toward young children should not be allowd.

Young children are the hope of a country. But many businessmen always go into rapture at the mere mention of interests brought in television advertising. They are forever talking about the delicious food, interesting electronic product and magical toy. Nothing they maintains is more essential than such benfit in the soicty. But it is really the case? The answer is no, in fact, children’s future are playing extremely important role and should be given priority. From what have been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that Television advertising directed toward young children should not be allowd.

showgood07UID: 2605959

赶在走之前写完了， 下周一回来，改我作文的童鞋谢谢了，你的作文，我将在15号改出来。

beverly910614UID: 2728081

大部分与发给你的一致。
找到问题改正不就行了嘛！
加油！~:handshake
Nowadays, the development of young children is（+that） young children are overly influenced by the overwhelming majorities of communication means. （too long. 有两个谓语啊~一个句子里面是不可以有两个谓语的，你的IS 和ARE 都用在同一个句子里了）         The controversy(用On the contrary 比较好), （Where is your subject?主语哪去了？）should television advertising directed toward young children be allowed, is becoming a heated topic that triggered more and more people feel concern about.
My heart felt response（有这种说法？我不知道。感觉怪怪的。） to this topic is that television advertising should be prohibited to direct toward young children for the following reasons.
In the first place, young children will lose their innocent when the information which came from television flood to their life. （成分残缺，你把which后面那部分去掉，就知道了）We cannot deny the fact that the information, television advertising broadcasts, are too tanglesoome(同义词可以用twisted， 但是在这里不符合语境，tanglesome的复杂是指缠绕的那种，不是中文里的那种。换个词吧，具体点会很好。而且这句话太武断，应该说有些是这样的，不是全部。) for a little child to receive. For instance, the information characterizes television advertising that is exaggerated and illusory. The most serious consequence is （that）young children would express the incongruent behaviors with their true ages. It is unfavorable for young children in their formative stages. Admittedly, television advertising directed toward children should not be encouraged, and even we should carefully censored the television advertising.) x: N  Y' a; c) O6 m* ?: k( q5 e
In the second place, television advertising is driven by their interests, always use the excitement to appeal publics.（又是两个谓语。。。use和is）
Adults can immune from the excitements, while young children are not liable to be influenced by television advertising. It will confuse children’s recognitions and their notion of thins(没看懂是什么意思). In addition, some companies want to differentiate from others, they even broadcast certain unhealthy contents to attract public, including young children. (两个主语了”some companies” &”they”) It is undisputable that children will imitate the action which is violent and the fiction which superficial. Children receives（children 是复数，怎么要加S呢） those messages will be outrageous and eccentric. Consequently, in this sense, television advertising should not be allowed toward young children.
Finally, if television advertising can be censored or controlled by government, it is beneficial to young children to build a harmonious and healthy environment for their growth. Meanwhile it also can decrease（和IF在一起的句子，最好直接用主语开头，不是形式主语。）
the adolescent problems in our society.
To sum up, it is high time to censor the television advertising which now badly effect young children. Therefore， when taken the two factors I have mentioned above into account, I definitely hold the point of view that television advertising should not be allowed toward young children.
红的有点多了，来点蓝的中和一下~最后一段不错~~~


你用了一些模板吧，感觉那些模板是害人的，最好按自己的思路来写，自然就可以了。
强烈建议你看看OG的 WRITING HAND BOOK
找到问题是好的，说明还有进步的空间~
加油哈~你也快考试了，建议背几篇范文找找感觉。
一起加油！！！！！

fatruiUID: 2726256

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children should be allowed

Nowadays, advertisers are in business of making money for themselves and their clients through encouraging us to buy products. Some people claim that it is a good way for chlidren（children打字打太快了吧） to watch the advertising to relax. However, I strongely（strongly） insist that television advertising directed toward young children should not be allowed for the following reasons.（开头加多点背景可能好点）

The primary reason is that it encourages a competition of false values to children. According to a （an）investigation held by Chinese Social Scientific Institution（这个组织名字学习了）, more than seventy five percent children want to own the latest toys because they eager to keep up with their friends rather than they really need.（感觉rather than的用法错误） Chlidren（children） want to have the latest PlayStation Portable which would cost their parents nearly a month salary.（好夸张啊，还是说一半好，符合逻辑） These requirements（奇怪怎么用这个词，这个词的意思是必需品噢） would increase stresses to some families and distract children’ concertrations（concentration） of their studies.（这段没有很好的过渡到这种不良的竞争对于家庭来说是一种负担多用连词如surely unfortunately actually however but moreover等使得你连接感觉出来）


A further more subtle point（is that）children can be misled by the advertising. When I was a chlid（child）, Saturday morning television programs are full of commercial advertisements. A famous pop star showed a product and conveyed the messages that（感觉这个定语重句有点错to us as） if we want much fun（这个表达有点薄弱）, we must buy the product（the star introduced就好把product具体化，比如说减肥药）. Thus, at a very early age, we cannot tell the truth and lie（这个表达有歧义，用children who is poor judgment 建议参考TPO14的第一篇阅读文章）. We are introduced the ideas（we unconsciously accepted the idea） that if we want to be like（like去掉） someone, we should buy what he or she has. In addition, in order to attract more customers, some advertisements have violent shot, such as fight and attack.(这个太抽象了吧，具体点，开始显现出你的论据的薄弱了)Chlidren（children看来不是打得快了） would like to imitate such fighting behavior of the advertising. This is harmful for chlidren’s（children’s） mature（It will definitely have unhealthy effect on the mental of children even on the whole modern society）
even for the whole society （后面这个mislead的感觉是没有说到mislead的可怕之处。你可以说，一些sexual或者violent的advertising会导致什么什么，我可不希望小孩多少睡就被迫结婚放弃自己的发展前途，更不希望小孩拿着火箭筒对着自己校园内的同学发射导弹。对，写的时候可以加点修饰，使得文章饱满点，字数也多点。我和你一样问题，大家一起提高啊。）

Although from the advertisements, chilren（children） can learn some culture and customs of a foreign country, gain some knowledge of（involved） future academic lessons and see the beautiful scenery of some other places that they have not been to, I still believe that advertising should not be allow to children. Not only because it encourages（induces） a competition of false values to children, but also because it misleads children.

总结：狐狸的语法不错，基本没啥问题。问题和大多数人一样，有话，但是不知道怎么说，使得表达不出自己的感觉，自己的论据有点衔接不上。建议多用连词。介绍这个文章的几篇文章你看，在PET的那个不能打印的PDF《Answers_to_all_TOEFL_Essay_Questions》上面有。P399 P397 P120 P45 P41就是左上角输入进去。这几个文章真的不错，看看一些表达怎么表达，我表达也不行，一起加油啊！~你好，我是汽车人哈哈 +oil！~

hulinlin24UID: 2731389

Nowadays, we can see many advertisements everywhere, such as website, television program and even in bus station. It is an information explosion era. The topic, whether television advertising directed toward young children caused wild public concern over the world. Parents in the growing number not allow the children watch television. As far as I concern, in my personal opinion,（说一个就好，这两意思重复了） television advertising is play an unhealthy effort(role) on children. There are two reasons I want to list.

The first reason is that it is waste of time to watching（watch) commercial advertising (for children) in front of the television. I belt nobody will deny that the main responsibility of the(去掉) children is to develop their studying abilities and cultivate their imagination. So they should spend more time on their study like(举例用such as) basic science or some other educational activities. However many advertisers usually use some celebrities in advertising to attract children to watch their commercial advertising, which distract their(children's) energy on study. According to a latest survey, the educational experts point out that the children who spend more time on watching advertising will obtain lower scores in their test or assignment than the children who seldom watching advertising.(赞）So the commercial advertising should not admit directed toward children.（这个总结论，不用那么快就摆上来吧，可以总结下第一个分论点撒）不得不说，FAT童鞋果然是看过了范文并且有消化的，理由和例子阐述得很好

More important, the advertising is misleading(直接用mislead就可以了) children who with poor judgment to buy something they do not really want. By this way it(缺主语) will actually produce meaningless cost which will add weight to parents stress. As(when) the Advertiser want to make numerous profits from children, then(去掉) they will take some tactics to lure children to buy toys. Advertisers will use disclaim or exaggeration to show their product is better or best. Then the children who do not know the true size, construction and performance able to(would) buy the trash toys which will lead their parent spend their money to satisfy their children(them). I consider (that) not most family is rich enough to buy some toy(games) like(such as) PSP, Play Station or Game Boy to their children. This part of cost really let parent's pressure increase.(可以说increase the pressure of their parents) So, parent should not allow the children to watch commercial advertising.(我知道你不想给小孩看广告的愿望很强烈，但也不用每段段末都强调一遍吧？)

' q7 ^' r1 m% x9 ~
However, there are not all the advertisings are commercial advertising. There are some educational advertising about some summer-camps which will help children to improve their interpersonal skill and communication skill or distinctive concerts hold in theater.(这个需要专门奔theater去看广告么？可以说电视的一下公益广告，比如介绍某个国家风土人情的或者号召大家帮助宅区人民的啊) I think this kind of advertising enjoy a positive effect on children.

From what I discussed above, I can firmly draw a conclusion that commercial advertising should not be directly in front the children, since it is waste of time to watching meaningless advertising and will lead the children buy the toys they not actually need, which will surely enhance their parent life pressure.
FAT童鞋确实是有用功去研究了范文和练习了作文的，论据和论证结合得很好，整个文章的逻辑表达非常好，除了每段都要声明一下不能看广告以外。。
缺点是有的地方用词和从句的使用不是很恰当，特别是一下小地方比如to后面要用动词原形，举例要用such as(FAT你是考过GMAT的。。这个是语法常考题啊，你居然没好好记着)。。FAT请继续+oil吧。。。话说你是德国车么？那么烧油
谢谢FAT帮我纠正了一遍又一遍的children（我写作文的时候估计抽了。。）