Issue130 by 海王泪 第一次限时模考~

海王泪UID: 2673613

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 544à745 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2010-2-6 14:28:49

It is self-evident that how children socialized today determines the destiny of society when they inherit and simultaneously modify our core values, norms and knowledge. But do we actually know the proper way to raise children who help bring about a better society? As far as I am concerned, though confusion frequently occurs, we have already learned from history, no matter a triumph or a failure, and thus design better medium and prepare better heritage to socialize our children.

People argue below that we do not know how to raise children because the society seems worse than before. Last year, the financial crisis astonished the whole world when we find crimes are committed by "young smart" which comes from high education. In family, parents always emphasize high-quality education brings decent incomes; in school, teachers inculcate the concept of conformity; mass media repeat jobs with finance and law are decent works. Finally and recently, many children grew up with money worship (as a core value), rushed into Wall Street (conformably to play a similar social role) and made money by the same financial derivatives without consideration of wicked consequence (as a bad norm). The lack of work ethic and social responsibility of young people make contemporary educators fall into retrospect about the techniques and content used to raise them.

However, we realize what we have done improperly and adjust our way to socialize children. Our society is driving to a better situation due to our quickly reaction with the policy of different medium. The retrospect from families to schools and also mass media would fix bugs of our socializing system. For example, many schools recently offer basic courses such as Moral Science and Religion when mass media teach children to hold work ethic. It also seems work that some kids begin concern more about social responsibility when they saw and heard a lot from their parents suffering from financial crimes.

The amelioration above indicates two long-existed basic logics to socialize our children. One involves eclecticism of medium; another is natural selection of heritage. We have already kept in mind these two basic logics for thousands of years and have socialized hundreds of generations to make our society better and better. That is why human evolves more quickly than any other Primates such as gorilla, which only know how to teach their kids by repetition and imitation but not a more perfect, complex system.

Family, school and mass media function uniquely and complementarily in this system. Family members express their love and foster children’s personality by unique family background such as personal experience, religion and social status. School professionally inculcates conformity and knowledge to students and develops a terrific platform for peers. Mass media offers enormous information and various opinions for kids. But things may go wrong when we fail to keep balance of them. Parents today tend to shift their unique responsibility to school and media which seem more professional and knowledgeable. Children without enough home education easily lack love, individuality or even critical thinking. For instance, shortage of family attention arouses autism or extremely competitive psychology when students can only share a few teachers with other fifty classmates. Or children inculcated with conformity and same knowledge fails to embrace diversity. Or mass media including TV and Internet does not distinguish materials for undirected children who have great ability in absorption. Therefore, what we should emphasize is that each of these medium is indispensable.

What’s more, human beings are good at proceeding a natural selection of heritage, including values, norms, skills and knowledge. That is, people inherit culture by discarding dross and retaining essence. For example, last generation celebrate with us the innovation of financial tools, which helps resources immediately flow to the proper departments and thus improve social productivity. While our young smart today, though provoked crisis, will warn the next generation of the improper use of these financial derivatives and legal fallacies. Hence society becomes better and better in human civilization. To put the case in nutshell, we find human society are evolving when we celebrate our triumphs with children and warn them of our failure.

In sum, some abnormalities of social development do not indicate our ignorance of how to raise children. In fact, things going wrong are nothing more than materials needed to pay attention for ameliorating our values, norms, knowledge and our socializing system. The two basic ways about medium and inheritance to raise our children are efficient in the historical perspective. We do know how to raise children for a better society as what our parents did and thus what we achieve.

坦诚一句，很郁闷~限时失败，后续补写发现字数越来越多，缩都缩不了。
尤其是倒数第大三段媒介部分写得尤其糟糕，和倒数第二段传承内容部分论述严重失衡，前者过多（且讲不完）后者过少。。。
纠结。。。

hugeseaUID: 190158

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: ...
海王泪 发表于 2010-2-7 11:26

有空我给你改改，呵呵，或者你转到我的修改铺子里面

呵呵

不过得在我写完issue 99，以及issue 144以后了

fancywwUID: 2583671

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 544à745 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2010-2-6 14:28:49

It is self-evident（建议不要一开始就出现这种词，issue中有任何不言而喻的东西，那还需要你写干嘛呢，可以用no doubt，undoubtedly这类表相同意义但有没那么“得瑟”的词） that how children socialized today determines the destiny of society when they inherit and simultaneously modify（这个结构不对称，建议在inheirt前面再想一个adj，如consciously） our core values, norm and knowledge. （这个when从句有点没明白，如果是一个条件句的话，用if更明确一点。如果是if的话，那说明前面这句话又还是有条件的，就不能用self-evident之类的肯定判断）But do we actually know the proper way to raise children who help bring about a better society? As far as I am concerned, though confusion frequently occurs, we have already learned from history, no matter a triumph or a failure, and thus design better medium and prepare better heritage to socialize our children.
开头写的挺混乱，但基本明白作者是反对issue的说法，作者的观点是我们已经学会了如何使我们的孩子社会化。两个关键词也出来了：better medium， better heritage

People argue below(下面？where？) that we do not know how to raise children when the society seems worse than before. （下一句是在举例吧，就用for example提示一下读者你开始举例了）Last year, the financial crisis astonished the whole world when we find crimes are committed by "young smart" which(who) comes from high education. （这两句跳跃很大，显得前面那句很突兀）In family, parents always emphasize high-quality education brings decent incomes; in school, teachers inculcate the concept of conformity; in community, mass medias(media), other adults and peers repeat(keep repeating) (是一个从句吗？是的话最好加一个that，如果不是就有两个v了)finance and law are decent works（jobs，work复数不表具体职业）. Finally and recently（这两个并列很怪异）, many children grew up with money worship (as a core value), rushed into Wall Street (conformably to play a similar social role) and made money by the same financial derivatives without consideration of wicked consequence (as a bad norm). The lack of work ethic and social responsibility of young people make contemporary educators fall into retrospect about the techniques and content used to raise them.
这段不清楚是在写什么，让步不想让步，更不想反驳了，只是在陈述一个当下的现象吗，完全没必要吧。看起来更适合作为一个赞同issue观点的段落。

However,（看到这词我想前面应该是在让步吧，这段开始反驳了，但前面这么大一段只让步没反驳，看起来像浪费字数，而且使自己的论证很无力。让步和反驳就是要出现在一段中，一句让步要配上好几句反驳，让步不能让出一大段吧） we realize what we have done improperly and adjust our way to socialize children. Our society is driving to a better situation due to our quickly reaction in the policy of different medium.(让步句其实非常关键，但这句却并没有切中主题——socialization&children，社会变好和对儿童的教育有什么关系呢？) The retrospect from families to schools and also community would fix bugs of our socializing system. For example, many schools recently offer basic courses such as Moral Science and Religion when mass media and other people teach children to hold work ethic. It also seems(在肯定自己观点的时候最好不用比较模糊或无力的词) work（effective） that some kids begin concern（to concern） more about social responsibility when they saw and heard from their parents suffering from financial crimes.
两段过去了，让步也有了，反驳也有了，还没有进入首段提出的两个关键词。前两段完全可以合成一段，甚至用一两句话概括：I concede that current economic crisis make some people doubt the effectiveness of our previous education；however, from my observation our society has realized the deficiencies. The present situation shows two reasonable trend to socialize our children, and lead them to bring out a better future.

Above indicates two basic logics to socialize our children. One involves eclecticism of medium; another is natural selection of heritage. We have already kept in mind these two basic logics for thousands of years and have socialized hundreds of generations to make our society better and better. That is why human evolves more quickly than any other Primates such as gorilla, which know how to teach their kids only by repetition and imitation but not a more perfect, complex system.
这其实又像一个首段的内容了，没必要在首段提出这两点之后，又在这里再次总写一下。不太妥当的是，你说这是basic logics,如果是logic，那就不一定是经过验证的了，而在这里你需要举出的是有力的事实来说明现在这两个东西是管用的，而不是理论上说说而已。此外，又说“我们已经知道这两个基本逻辑已经在过去几千年很管用了”，那为什么最近这社会又出岔子了呢？我们对孩子的教育又有问题了呢？像第一点所说。总之，这段话我觉得多余了。

Family, school and community serve as the main medium in this system. More importantly, they function complementarily. Things only go wrong when we fail to keep balance of them(keep them in balance). Under the pretext such as “We have not yet learn how to raise children but schools know better”, parents (family) today tend to shift their unique responsibility to school and media which seem more professional and knowledgeable. Consequently, children without enough home education easily lack love, individuality or even critical thinking(我觉得critical thinking是一个挺高级的东西，并列在even后面不好，可以说个最基本的，比如self-independence,或者把这个和前面的individuality换一下). For example, extremely competitive psychology（extreme psychological competition） would occur if children cannot get enough attention at home and share only a few teachers with other fifty children in the same class. Or children in schools inculcated with conformity and the same teaching fail to embrace diversity. Or community, including peers and mass media like TV, Internet, would not distinguish materials for undirected children who have great ability in absorption（没看懂）. 【前面又是一大段让步，说当前的家庭和社会的配合出问题了】However, if parents refuse to admit that “We have not yet learn how to raise children”, they would become braver to express their love and foster children’s personality by unique family background such as personal experience, religion and social status. They also will guide boys and girls to useful materials and dig critical thinking for them. Family know how to raise children, so do school and community. What we should emphasize is that each of these three medium are indispensable. 【后面反驳只是一个if、will的假设，那就是说这点还不是当前的实际情况，只是理想中的情况咯？那么你的观点就是赞同issue的嘛。你估计把题目的“learn”仅仅理解为知道，也就是说人们是知道的，只不过还没这么做而已。但我认为题中的learn不仅是知道了，还代表学会怎么做了。按我的理解，你的意思就是“人们是知道怎么做的，只不过他们没这么去做而已，所以导致当前社会看起来很混乱”，如果是这样的话，你这观点也太纠结了吧。】

What’s more, human beings are good at proceed a natural selection of heritage, including values, norms, knowledge. That is, people inherit culture by discarding dross and retaining essence. For example, last generation celebrate with us the innovation of financial tools, which helps resources immediately flow to the proper departments and thus improve social productivity. While our young smart today, though provoked crisis, will warn the next generation of the improper use of financial derivatives and laws fallacies. Thus society becomes better and better. To put the case in nutshell, we find human society are evolving when we celebrate our triumphs with children and warn them of our failure.

In sum, some abnormalities of social development do not indicate our ignorance of how to raise children. In fact, the basic ways to socialize our children are effective and things going wrong are nothing more than materials needed to pay attention for ameliorating our values, norms, knowledge and our socializing system. We do know how to raise children for a better society as what our parents did and thus what we achieve.

第一遍其实完全没看懂你的逻辑，第二遍才梳理出来。虽然还是有逻辑线索的，但很不清楚，加之文中让步太多，if之类的语气也很多，让人不知道你到底是在支持哪一方。如前面所改，1、2、3点完全可以合成一个让步反驳段。然后再分两段来写medium和heritage。
但文章有一个问题是，没有对issue的第一句话做出反应。或许是你在一开头self-evident那句就已经肯定了是吧，但后面那个when从句又使得这个肯定看起来不那么确定了。然后你文章的整个重心是在反驳issue的第二句话，是吧？但就从你的文章来看，自成一体是没问题的，但要和issue联系起来，就没那么紧密了。即没有把medium和heritage与socialization联系起来。这两点确实是raise children的好办法，但跟socialization又有什么关系呢。你应该展示的是：medium&heritage-->socialization-->children-->better society。而在我读起来就是medium&heritage-->children-->better society

我再来说说对你选择的这两点，medium和heritage的看法。虽然可以看出你的思考很有深度，但使你文章的语言和结构安排看起来有种捉襟见肘的感觉。关于socialization和children有这么多比较好驾驭的点可供选择的嘛。

此外，写法上，建议好好研究一下让步反驳的写法，其实很简单的，就是让步后一定要反驳。一句让步十句反驳（可能有点夸张了），否则就没有让步的意义了。除非你不是让步，而是部分同意，就不用反驳了。

最后，我去年也写过一篇这个issue的，你有空也帮我改改吧。

plukaUID: 2721764

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

It is self-evident that how children socialized today determines the destiny of society when（这个when改成因果连词比较好吧） they inherit and simultaneously modify our core values, norms and knowledge. But do we actually know the proper way to raise children who help bring about a better society? As far as I am concerned（as far as I concern）, though confusion frequently occurs, we have already learned from history, no matter a triumph or a failure（这个插入语到底是修饰学到的东西，还是修饰历史？= =）, and thus design better medium and prepare better heritage to socialize our children.（不知是有概念偷换之嫌，就是从上一句的raise children直接转到了这里的socialize，是不是要明确一下“养好孩子就是要让孩子社会化”？）（主题句太长信息太多，观点反而不明确。比如中间的插入语no matter XXX，觉得并非必要，倒是让语意有些不明确了）

1、People argue below（此词何意？） that we do not know how to raise children because the society seems worse than before. 2、Last year, the financial crisis astonished the whole world when we find crimes are(were) committed by "young smart" which(who) comes(came) from high education. 3、In family, parents always emphasize high-quality education brings decent incomes; in school, teachers inculcate the concept of conformity; mass media repeat jobs with(on) finance and law are decent works. 4、Finally and recently（recently这样接有些奇怪）, many children grew up with money worship (as a core value), rushed into Wall Street (conformably to play a similar social role) and made money by the same financial derivatives without consideration of wicked consequence (as a bad norm). 5、The lack of work ethic and social responsibility of young people make contemporary educators fall into retrospect about the techniques and content used to raise them.（此段感觉甚乱。首句的题开得很大，讲到社会变得更差劲，后文接的则主要是经济危机和金融从业者的道德问题，私以为这些问题不能很好的论证社会变得更差劲了。要说“更”，不妨加点比较。也不限于经济方面，犯罪率，道德意识等都可以讲到。另，2和3句之间转得突兀，考虑换位置或者加连接词。此外，看了第三句和后面，总觉不太清楚论述的重点是什么，是说家庭和学校让孩子变得拜金主义吗，那么第三句恐怕得修改一下——现在显得打击重点不突出。）

However, we realize（用‘已经认识到’是否更好，have realized） what we have done improperly and (+thus) adjust our way to socialize children. Our society is driving to a better situation due to our quickly reaction with the policy of different medium. The retrospect from families to schools and also mass media would fix bugs of our socializing system. For example, many schools recently offer basic courses such as Moral Science and Religion when mass media teach children to hold work ethic. It also seems work(seems和work两个动词了吧？） that some kids begin（began) （+to）concern more about social responsibility when they saw and heard a lot from their parents suffering from financial crimes.（私以为突出的缺憾处在于socializing system。前文一直没有说啥是socializing。社会化跟教育还是有区别的，你在上段和这里提到的内容归到教育里面很OK，但是能不能归到社会化呢？因为始终没有给出社会化的规范概念，觉得让人很是模糊）

The amelioration above indicates two long-existed basic logics to socialize our children. One involves eclecticism of medium; another is natural selection of heritage. （上段暗示了这两点？真的很不明显——对了，这两点到底是什么意思= =媒体的折中主义，遗产的自然选择？翻译成中文都很难理解。不确定读者是否能够看懂啊）We have already kept in mind these two basic logics for thousands of years and have socialized hundreds of generations to make our society better and better. That is why human evolves more quickly than any other Primates such as gorilla, which only know how to teach their kids by repetition and imitation but not a more perfect, complex system. 

Family, school and mass media function uniquely and complementarily in this system. Family members express their love and foster children’s personality by unique family background such as personal experience, religion and social status. School professionally inculcates conformity and knowledge to students and develops a terrific platform for peers. Mass media offers enormous information and various opinions for kids. But things may go wrong when we fail to keep balance of them. Parents today tend to shift their unique responsibility to school and media which seem more professional and knowledgeable. Children without enough home education easily lack love, individuality or even critical thinking. For instance, shortage of family attention arouses autism or extremely competitive psychology when students can only share a few teachers with other fifty classmates. Or children inculcated with conformity and same knowledge fails to embrace diversity. Or mass media including TV and Internet does not distinguish materials for undirected children who have great ability in absorption. Therefore, what we should emphasize is that each of these medium is indispensable.（这段跟上段的联系不太强，之间的关系是什么？）（本段第一部分论述家庭学校和媒体的功能，第二部分是三者功能失调的后果，但最后这个therefore显得有些奇怪，与其说是indispensable,不如说是call a balance之类）

What’s more, human beings are good at proceeding a natural selection of heritage, including values, norms, skills and knowledge. That is, people inherit culture by discarding dross and retaining essence（那么这就不是自然选择了吧，是人工选择？不过‘选择’这个概念总觉得很诡异）. For example, last generation celebrate with us the innovation of financial tools, which helps resources immediately flow to the proper departments and thus improve social productivity. While our young smart today, though provoked crisis, will warn the next generation of the improper use of these financial derivatives and legal fallacies. Hence society becomes better and better in human civilization. To put the case in nutshell, we find human society are evolving when we celebrate our triumphs with children and warn them of our failure. 

In sum, some abnormalities of social development do not indicate our ignorance of how to raise children. In fact, things going wrong are nothing more than materials needed to pay attention for ameliorating our values, norms, knowledge and our socializing system. The two basic ways about medium and inheritance to raise our children are efficient in the historical perspective. We do know how to raise children for a better society as what our parents did and thus what we achieve
（总体感觉观点比较杂乱，虽然篇首和篇末都重述了主题，但是在主体部分T并没有被很好的表现出来。这题很难写的呢，我一直都没动笔……）