ISSUE50 by tequilawine

tequilawineUID: 2702008

TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."
WORDS: 442          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-2-22 16:35:18




Requiring our faculty to work outside, it is an efficient way to improve the quality of instruction at college and university level, but should all of them participate into this and how should we control cooperation of the two world-campus teaching and outside work.




Agreeing with the assertion elicited by author, we can find many virtues of that.  In the first place, working outside entitles our teachers to have access to more  fresh knowledge in time, and update their own minds. This trend will push them to gain the knowledge they haven't known before, sometimes yet, these information giving our faculty some inspiration to do the work inside our school. Through this, even better, it will promote the whole level of our research standard in university or college. For example, our IT professor got some instant information about the new technology during working outside, and at the same time, our team in the university do some research about this which is lack of evidence and surveys, i think it will be a favor to attain this from outside.





Second is that it will enable our students to learn more from our teachers and intrigues them curiosity to dig into more, at the end, it will boost the whole level of university both in education and quality of students.  The essence of that is  to learn from our real world, much more useful and exciting.
Take our ancient famous Confucius an example, he never taught too much to the students and always tells them that to experience it in life and learn from it, because only real world is a better teacher that can give you a lesson that you will never forget and will always know the complexity and complication of it which is totally different from what we learn from our textbooks or professors.  





However, to achieve this goal, should or need we make all of our faculty contained without further consideration? In some specific  areas such as art, literature, music and so forth, all of which are much more independent from the affection of our outside system, it is reasonable to just leave them alone, and give them some space to do what they are eager to instead of spurred by some interest or greedy ambition. Once i saw a movie called The soloist describing  a musician who has some mental disease finally found his place in a college, i think if we treat him just as others, or we push him out, how many talents we will lose at last? Is it tantamount to the goal we initiated to aim? Extending personals to some fields, can we just push some subjects like philosophers or archaeologists and such to do outside world without considering whether it will be good for them or not.





Further more, we also furcate some attention on the issue how to balance the outside and insider work. We do the work that is relevant to our courses for the sake of improving our teaching level, if not, we will not only lost the original intention but also bring about more worse result. Can you imagine a college live upon the faculty only seeking for benefits outside in the expense of interest of students and colleges. Very similar it is that at first people earn money for life, but at last they live a life for money, the results of different objectives are different.





In conclusion of what we are trying to say, the main theme reside in the mostly agreement of the advise, only with some further consideration on the behalf of all of us.

plukaUID: 2721764

Requiring our faculty to work outside, it（不要用这种指代的方法，不自然，直接用requiringXX作主语） is an efficient way to improve the quality of instruction at college and university level, but should all of them participate into this and how should we control cooperation of the two world-campus teaching and outside work. （如果是问句就请用问号）

Agreeing with the assertion elicited by author, we can find many virtues of that（指代谁？）.  In the first place, working outside entitles our teachers to have access to more  fresh knowledge in time, and update their own minds. This trend will push them to gain the knowledge they haven't known before, sometimes yet, these information giving our faculty some inspiration to do the work inside our school. Through this, even better, it will promote the whole level of our research standard in university or college. For example, our IT professor got some instant information about the new technology during working outside, and at the same time, our team in the university do some research about this（没有直接联系，除非说IT教授拿那些东西去教学生了。） which is lack of evidence and surveys, （单个句子完整了就不要合并到另外一个里面去）i think it will be a favor to attain this from outside. （很多时候明明是单独的完整的句子，作者却用逗号连接，凑成了一个大长句。忌。语法有误且不自然。）

Second is that it will enable our students to learn more from our teachers and intrigues them curiosity to dig into more, at the end, it will boost the whole level of university both in education and quality of students.  The essence of that is  to learn from our real world,（去逗号，加谓语） much more useful and exciting.
Take our（不要用our，美国人不觉得孔子是our） ancient famous Confucius an example, he never taught too much to the students and always tells them that to experience it in life and learn from it, because only real world is a better teacher that can give you a lesson that you will never forget and will always know the complexity and complication of it which is totally different（过于绝对） from what we learn from our textbooks or professors. （例子跟TS有些出入。TS说的是激发兴趣，这里却说了解到复杂性。有偏）

However, to achieve this goal（this的指代？）, should or need we make all of our faculty contained without further consideration? In some specific  areas such as art, literature, music and so forth, all of which are much more independent from the affection of our outside system, it is reasonable to just leave them alone, and give them some space to do what they are eager to instead of spurred by some interest or greedy ambition. Once i saw a movie called The soloist describing  a musician who has some mental disease finally found his place in a college, i think if we treat him just as others（treat as others是啥意思？我们是如何对待他人的？模糊。）, or we push him out, how many talents we will lose at last? Is it tantamount to the goal we initiated to aim? Extending personals to some fields, can we just push some subjects like philosophers or archaeologists and such to do outside world without considering whether it will be good for them or not. （问句请打问号）（此处论述有些学科不适宜外出工作。观点算OK，但论述不够强。与其反问不如直截了当指出为啥不行。）

Further more, we also furcate some attention on the issue how to balance the outside and insider work. We do the work that is relevant to our courses for the sake of improving our teaching level, if not, we will not only lost the original intention but also bring about more worse result. Can you imagine a college live upon the faculty only seeking for benefits outside in the expense of interest of students and colleges. Very similar it is that at first people earn money for life, but at last they live a life for money, the results of different objectives are different. （后面这个类比不是很必需，不如举例，添加一些与教育相关的内容。比如扩充前一句faculty only seeking for benefits outside举个特例）

In conclusion of what we are trying to say, the main theme reside in the mostly agreement of the advise, only with some further consideration on the behalf of all of us.
语言上指代和句子结构请重视。

论述上还可以更充实，例子请多发展一些。
以上。

tequilawineUID: 2702008

Requiring our faculty to work outside, it（不要用这种指代的方法，不自然，直接用requiringXX作主语） requiring our faculty to work outside is an efficient way to improve the quality of instruction at college and university level, but should all of them participate into this and how should we control cooperation of the two world-campus teaching and outside work.? （如果是问句就请用问号）

Agreeing with the assertion elicited by author, we can find many virtues of that proposal（指代谁？）.  In the first place, working outside entitles our teachers to have access to more  fresh knowledge in time, and update their own minds. This trend will push them to gain the knowledge they haven't known before, sometimes yet, these information giving our faculty some inspiration to do the work inside our school. Through this, even better, it will promote the whole level of our research standard in university or college. For example, our IT professor got some instant information about the new technology during working outside, and at the same time, our team in the university do some research about this（没有直接联系，除非说IT教授拿那些东西去教学生了。） which is lack of evidence and surveys, （单个句子完整了就不要合并到另外一个里面去）i think it will be a favor to attain this from outside. （很多时候明明是单独的完整的句子，作者却用逗号连接，凑成了一个大长句。忌。语法有误且不自然。）Nowdays, as we step into the information society, we reply on IT techonology more than before. Professors who worked out side in IT area can teach their students instant knowlege that keep up with change of this technology. Same thing happen in every domains of science such as medicine, engineering,chemistry, physics and so on.

Second is that it will enable our students to learn more from our teachers and intrigues them curiosity to dig into more, at the end, it will boost the whole level of university both in education and quality of students.  The essence of that is  to learn from our real world,（去逗号，加谓语） being much more useful and exciting.
Take our chinese（不要用our，美国人不觉得孔子是our） ancient famous Confucius an example, he never taught too much to the students and always tells them that to experience it in life and learn from it, because only real world is a better teacher that can give you a lesson that you will never forget and will always know the complexity and complication reality and vividness of it which is totally much more different（过于绝对） from what we learn from our textbooks or professors. （例子跟TS有些出入。TS说的是激发兴趣，这里却说了解到复杂性。有偏）

However, to achieve this goal to promote university level（this的指代？）, should or need we make all of our faculty contained without further consideration? In some specific  areas such as art, literature, music and so forth, all of which are much more independent from the affection of our outside system, it is reasonable to just leave them alone, and give them some space to do what they are eager to instead of spurred by some interest or greedy ambition. Once i saw a movie called The soloist describing  a musician who has some mental disease finally found his place in a college, i think if we treat him just as others normal forcing them to work out（treat as others是啥意思？我们是如何对待他人的？模糊。）, or we push him out, how many talents we will lose at last? Is it tantamount to the goal we initiated to aim? Extending personals to some fields, can we just push some subjects like philosophers or archaeologists and such to do outside world without considering whether it will be good for them or not. （问句请打问号）（此处论述有些学科不适宜外出工作。观点算OK，但论述不够强。与其反问不如直截了当指出为啥不行。）it is not appropriate to let peoples in philosophy or archaeology and the like struggle outside, because most of these domains got progress under the provision of government or research centre.

Further more, we also furcate some attention on the issue how to balance the outside and insider work. We do the work that is relevant to our courses for the sake of improving our teaching level, if not, we will not only lost the original intention but also bring about more worse result. Can you imagine a college live upon the faculty only seeking for benefits outside in the expense of interest of students and colleges. Very similar it is that at first people earn money for life, but at last they live a life for money, the results of different objectives are different. （后面这个类比不是很必需，不如举例，添加一些与教育相关的内容。比如扩充前一句faculty only seeking for benefits outside举个特例）This kind of scandal showed up before, some famous professor urge  his graduate to do some work of his own company instead of teaching them anything in research or else. It will be no difference between works and students, maybe to be worker is more better, becasue at least you can get an equal pay.

In conclusion of what we are trying to say, the main theme reside in the mostly agreement of the advise, only with some further consideration on the behalf of all of us.
语言上指代和句子结构请重视。

论述上还可以更充实，例子请多发展一些。
以上。

豆腐店的86UID: 2512956

Requiring our faculty to work outside, it is an efficient way to improve the quality of instruction at college and university level, but should all of them participate into this and how should we control cooperation of the two world-campus teaching and outside work.(这句话貌似有语病，除此之外，第一段的末尾一定要亮明观点！貌似AWINTRO里面有写，这里看不出有力度的表明立场的句子)




Agreeing with the assertion elicited by author, we can find many virtues of that.  In the first place, working outside entitles our teachers to have access to more  fresh knowledge in time, and update their own minds. This trend will push them to gain the knowledge they haven't known before, sometimes yet, these information giving our faculty some inspiration to do the work inside our school. Through this, even better, it will promote the whole level of our research standard in university or college. For example, our IT professor got some instant information about the new technology during working outside, and at the same time, our team in the university do some research about this which is lack of evidence and surveys, i think it will be a favor to attain this from outside. （例子有点太简单了，先得没有力度。比如写具体这个课在哪个阶段缺少什么，写得详细些，具体的术语写出来，这样就比一般性的泛泛的语言要好）





Second is that (Secondly,这里写second is that`` 貌似语法有问题) it will enable our students to learn more from our teachers and intrigues them curiosity to dig into more, at the end, it will boost the whole level of university both in education and quality of students.  The essence of that is  to learn from our real world, much more useful and exciting.
Take our ancient famous Confucius an example, he never taught too much to the students and always tells them that to experience it in life and learn from it, because only real world is a better teacher that can give you a lesson that you will never forget and will always know the complexity and complication of it which is totally different from what we learn from our textbooks or professors.  （中心句包含太多分观点，使得例子写的很没有针对性。现实生活帮助学生理解知识，掌握得更好；但是你的主题句是说能激发学生挖掘的潜力，貌似不搭调）





However, to achieve this goal, should or need we make all of our faculty contained without further consideration? In some specific  areas such as art, literature, music and so forth, all of which are much more independent from the affection of our outside system, it is reasonable to just leave them alone, and give them some space to do what they are eager to instead of spurred by some interest or greedy ambition. Once i saw a movie called The soloist describing  a musician who has some mental disease finally found his place in a college, i think if we treat him just as others, or we push him out, how many talents we will lose at last? Is it tantamount to the goal we initiated to aim? Extending personals to some fields, can we just push some subjects like philosophers or archaeologists and such to do outside world without considering whether it will be good for them or not. （说实话，我没看懂是什么意思，可能是我个人英语能力问题，但是是不是语言结构上需要斟酌？请LZ明辨）





Further more, we also furcate some attention on the issue how to balance the outside and insider work. We do the work that is relevant to our courses for the sake of improving our teaching level, if not, we will not only lost the original intention but also bring about more worse result. Can you imagine a college live upon the faculty only seeking for benefits outside in the expense of interest of students and colleges. Very similar it is that at first people earn money for life, but at last they live a life for money, the results of different objectives are different. （语言结构没大问题，但是本段的意思不够充实，无法对全文作出切实支撑）





In conclusion of what we are trying to say, the main theme reside in the mostly agreement of the advise, only with some further consideration on the behalf of all of us.



可能因为是限时的关系，整个文章思维结构和例证体系都不够充实
貌似“限时”是说要准备好所有材料，构思完整，然后再限时写（我曾经有次限时直接写，写得乱七八糟，后来问hughsea才得到这个正解）
我觉得LZ要在材料准备和文章构思上下功夫···
很明显，这样的文章用中文读起来都能发现太过空洞，没有说服力
同时建议多读一读 awintro