phenix写作小组2号第九次作业Argument53

wu-intrepidUID: 2659758

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.




The arguer conclude that the melatonin before birth causes lasting shyness, by offering the evidences that melatonin affects the function of brain, and that that two researches to the expressions of infants and teenagers. However, no sufficient reasons support melatonin can lead to be shy,. Besides, the both researches neglect other factors effecting the reflections of people, such as genes, family atmosphere and so on, and the logic is not reasonable.

First, the arguer does not mention the influence is on mother’s or baby’s brain function. Since it was produced by mother, may only make function on mother’s, then even if melatonin can lead to be shy, affected
objects should be mothers instead of their children. What’s more, the arguer points melatonin has effect to some brain functions. He infers that these functions relate to make people shy. However, there is no evidence to support his inference. It may be as the assumption of arguer, but may also the other situations. For examples, the affected parts are relevant to language function, nervous regulation, or
sense of hearing and so on.

Second, the major babies who are distress more to unfamiliar stimuli bored in autumn. This discovery can not be strong persuadable to evident these babies express nervous due to shyness. Even melatonin can effect babies' brain function, still many reasons existed making a baby nervous, such as heart problems. For melatonin may hurt the baby’s heart, making it weaker, which may have much little endurance of something unexpected and sudden. When the infant hear the unfamiliar sound, which impulsed its’ heart, they may become nervous and uncomfortable which similar to the expression of shyness. Other factors such like acute listening, may be the reasons cause babies nervous. Thus, the nervous expressions are weak to evident the arguer’s conclusion, the accurate functions melatonin should be made clear.

In addition, supporting melatonin can cause shyness of babies, no evidence mentioned to support its effect can continue into later lives of children. Because, besides the arguer's assumption, there are other possibilities to make these teenagers look shy,. For instance, their parents are shy, the characteristics of these children would be influenced by the genes which making shyness. Moreover, if the parents are both busy with their works and have little time to communicate their children. They would tend to more shyness, for lacing chances of speaking and the sense of loneliness. Therefore, No necessary relationship between melatonin and shyness of teenagers, the arguer’s conclusion that melatonin can affect later life of infants is inconvincible and lake of sufficient evidences.

In conclusion, the arguer neglect many factors which relate to the shyness of both infants and teenagers, oversimplify the process of inferring the conclusion. He should make clear the function melatonin and its
object, besides, take these factors, such like genes, family atmosphere, into considerations. Based on these researches, conclusion can be logical and persuadable.  

小加菲njUID: 2647894

不错

nandingjinUID: 2594537

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

The arguer conclude(拼写concludes) that the melatonin before birth causes lasting shyness, by offering the evidences that melatonin affects the function of brain, and (and 后连接的是什么？that后面不是一个句子，有语法错误，建议改正) that two researches to the expressions of infants and teenagers. However, no sufficient reasons support melatonin can lead to be shy. Besides, the(the去掉) both researches neglect other factors effecting the reflections of people, such as genes, family atmosphere and so on, and the logic is not reasonable.

First, the arguer does not mention the influence is on mother’s or baby’s brain function. Since it was produced by mother, （少了主语）may only make function on mother’s, then even if melatonin can lead to be shy, affected objects should be mothers (建议这里改成强调句，it is those mothers who should be affected)instead of their children. What’s more, the arguer points melatonin has effect to some brain functions. He infers that these functions relate to (relate to 后面直接跟名词，建议改成relate to the behavior that…)make people shy. However, there is no evidence to support his inference. It may be as the assumption of arguer, but may also the other situations. (这句话有点像鸡肋，没有说明实质性内容)For examples, the affected parts are relevant to language function, nervous regulation, or sense of hearing and so on.

Second, the major babies who are distress more to unfamiliar stimuli bored in autumn（这句话里用了more,但你的than在哪里呢？还有不说the major babies, 而用the majority of babies）. This discovery can not be strong persuadable to evident these babies express nervous due to shyness. Even melatonin can effect babies' brain function, still many reasons existed making a baby nervous, such as heart problems. For melatonin may hurt the baby’s heart, making it weaker, which may have much little endurance of something unexpected and sudden. When the infant hear the unfamiliar sound, which impulsed its’ heart(一是时态有问题，二是这样说有点中式), they may become nervous and uncomfortable which (少了be动词)similar to the expression of shyness. Other factors such like acute listening, may be the reasons cause (causing)babies nervous. Thus, the nervous expressions are weak to evident (evident是形容词，这里怎么用成了动词？)the arguer’s conclusion, the accurate functions melatonin should be made clear.

In addition, supporting melatonin can cause shyness of babies, no evidence mentioned to support its effect can continue into later lives of children. Because, besides the arguer's assumption, there are other possibilities to make these teenagers look shy. For instance, their parents are shy, the characteristics of these children would be influenced by the genes which making shyness(语法错误). Moreover, if the parents are both busy with their works and have little time to communicate their children. They would tend to (后面少了be动词)more shyness, for lacing (单词拼写lacking of)chances of speaking and the sense of loneliness. Therefore, No necessary relationship between melatonin and shyness of teenagers(此句不是完整一句，没有动词), the arguer’s conclusion that melatonin can affect later life of infants is inconvincible and lake of sufficient evidences.

In conclusion, the arguer neglect (neglects)many factors which relate to the shyness of both infants and teenagers, oversimplify the process of inferring the conclusion. He should make clear the function melatonin and its object, besides, take these factors, such like genes, family atmosphere, into considerations. Based on these researches, conclusion can be logical and persuadable.  

点评：
1.
文章还是存在比较多的单词拼写和语法问题，建议作者多磨练一下句式。
2.
部分单词的使用有些问题，比如文章中的evident, impulse等，建议作者查一下具体词的用法。
3.
文章逻辑还是挺不错，基本已把原题中的错误找了出来。

By 12号

missingusaUID: 2625832

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