ISSUE235忠诚 郁闷的一篇 倒数四天求指教！BY pluka

plukaUID: 2721764

TOPIC: ISSUE235 - "Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty-whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution-is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force."
WORDS: 512          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-2-26 21:12:53
相当讨厌的一篇，写得无比郁闷。。。上帝保佑不要让我抽到这篇！！求拍，重手不用留情。有拍留链必回，详情见下。
Is loyalty the bless from the heaven, or the lie of the demon? The history and fact rely（reply） with both tragedy brought by the blind fealthy（fealty拼写！） and the concrete society based on mutual trust. As far as I am concerned, the key to this question roots in the foundation upon which the loyalty is defined.

Undeniably, many crimes and evils stem from excessive loyalty, which abet people to obey blindly and to act out extreme deeds. Oftentimes adored and advocated by the totalitarian government, the notion of loyalty serves as the tool for the governor to rule and to supress（suppress双写P！）. To chain people's mind and body, they inclucate（inculcate拼写！） the virtue of absolute obedience and trust towards the ruler--frequently the emperor or dictator. Such insidious doctrines undermines the independence of citizens and give rise to destructive consequences. Tamil Tigher, the terrorist group in Sri Lanka, inplants（implants P前只有M！） its member with the conception of entire fealty for the orgnazation（organization前A后I拼写！）. With the creed of selfless contribution and sacrifice, women and children are sent to carry out dangerous tasks or even act as the body bombs. The loyalty to their "ideal" and organzation（organization） result in not only the death of those bombers but also the slaughter of the innocent, leaving nothing but tears and sadness. 

However, given the tragedy mentioned above, the merits of loyalty is not to be overshadowed. On an extensive scale, it is under the conception of loyalty that human society, as well as man's life, is built. In the family, the mutual loyalty between spouses guarantees the solide（solid无E！） tie which bond the family members with love and responsibility. For cooperations, the trust and fealty secure the stability of the company and nurture an reciprocal atmosphere that elicit the sense of belonging. Without the loyalty for one's nation and ideal, the security and harmony of the country will be at stake and politicians may feel free to employ dirty crafts and tricks to win personal gains regardless the potential risk for the society. Were it for the universal agreement on the virtue of loyalty, this planet may turn to be a place of chaotic anarchy, disorder, lies and mistrust. 

Here looms the essential question: why the consequences of loyalty differ and what determine the result? The determinant answer lies in the foundation upon with loyalty is based. Sensible loyalty, the character that lays the basis of the community and people's life, is derived from the judicial judgment after the comprehensive understanding on the facts. The blind fealty, on the other hand, is inculcated and accepted mechanically in a biased way, which may conceal the evil and mask the fake. While a man with the sensible loyalty views his belief and behaviors with confidence and passion, the victim of the blind fealty may act out of fetish, rendering the consequence undesirable. 

As one of the universal theme, loyalty has been connected inextricably to the fate of individual and the society alike: the sensible loyalty ensures the subsistence of society and personal happiness, and the blind one serves as destructive tool and leads to irreversible tragedies.
因为快考了却还有大把东西没准备，所以考前恐怕不能回拍。但保证考后（3月3日）立刻回! 嗯那时候回拍的好处就是俺会拍得更仔细~可以留链指定拍哪篇，或到时我找一篇回拍。谢谢捧场~

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

刚好有空，看见Pluka同学的新帖子，进来瞅瞅。偶也怕回拍，最近的作文都没敢发上来，只敢在线下找免费的劳动力，呵呵。
首段the bless from the heaven, or the lie of the demon 明白是啥意思，但将忠诚比喻为祝福似乎有点不贴切。
第二段To chain people's mind and body 中的chain表意有些模糊，不如用简单的control。
第三段Without the loyalty for one's nation and ideal, the security and harmony of the country will be at stake and politicians may feel free to employ dirty crafts and tricks to win personal gains regardless the potential risk for the society. 中间的and 可以换成 for example 毕竟两者之间的关系不是并列。
看完的印象是文章的整体思路不错，脉络清晰，但段落内的论证力度还可以再增强。论证和论据还可以与论点再贴合。之前一篇给偶提过建议，这篇算是回拍。最后的几天了，加油，共勉。

qisaimanUID: 2703629

1 it would be a pleasure to view an essay free of spelling mistake.
2 The theme is OK
3 : I maintain that loyalth should base on a shared value, which actually determine what consequence to expect if we are committed to it.
4: the wording is impressive and splendid