请Romanus修改一下作文

weiguangyunUID: 2552712

Has the telephone more effect on people's lives than the television has?

Both television and telephone assume significant role in people's quotidian life. Someone places more importance for television, while others including me prefer the telephone as the tool more influential in our life for reasons as follows.

The implicit rationale behind the assertion that television has more effect on people's life is that, admittedly, television has changed the way people live to some extent. Not only has television furnished people with different forms of entertainment programs like movies and series, but also people really improve their knowledge on all aspects by means of watching television. Some people even argue that but for the television, there is nothing they could do after a day of work. Therefore, if it were not the television, people could be living a boring and ill-informed life.

Nevertheless, upon further reflection it becomes clear that the influence the telephone brings about for human beings surpass that from the television. The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the television
(propensity for telephone’s greater effect on people) lies in the fact that telephone provides people with one dramatically different and amazing way for information exchange as well as communication, while people mainly watch television for relaxation. Before the advent of telephone, people can merely write or have face to face communication, but now things have changed. Being Hungry? Just give a call and order your meal or tickets. Miss your parents? Phone them and have an intimate talk which can effectively add to the harmonious relationship among family members. Accordingly, without
access to telephone, how can enjoy such convenient life as today?


Another reason why I consider the telephone as more significant lies in the fact that telephone serve people with simultaneous communication especially in their working process that even innovative communication tools like E-mail appear pale in comparison in some aspects. Easy access to telephone render communication in long distance feasible, thus effectively improve efficiency of business operation. For instance, direct information exchange among the manager and labor or even telephone conference has been realized in reality. Besides, telephone offers direct contact between people which benefits accurate comprehension between the speakers and the listeners. On the other hand, internet has already serves large amount of information and entertainment about any thing you have interest in, more than the television can bring about. Therefore, the telephone can not be substituted while television performs differently.

To sum up, even though I concede that television to some degree has great impact on people's life, I tend to maintain that telephone arouses more effect on people' life. As long as we make most use of the tool, we can surely live a comparatively efficient life.

兰笔是我自己后改的，不知道合不合适，主要暴露了哪些问题~谢谢修改和建议

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Both television and telephone assume significant roles in people's quotidian (This word has a pretty strong association with religious contexts, and it's rarely used other than trying to achieve a very literary-ish style.) life. Someone places more importance for on television, while others including me prefer (The question is not about YOUR preference. It's a more yes/no question like 'Does beef taste better than mutton?', rather than a do/don't question like 'Do you think beef tasts better than mutton?') the telephone as the tool more influential (For readability concerns, 'more influential tool' would be better, but this expression would be nice for a newspaper column.) in our life for reasons as follows.

The implicit rationale behind the assertion that television has more effect on people's life is that, admittedly, television has changed the way people live to some extent. Not only has television furnished people with different forms of entertainment programs like movies and series? (Do you mean 'TV series'?), but also people really improve their knowledge (You can't 'improve' your knowledge because knowledge is not measured by 'good' and 'bad'. You can 'increase' your knowledge though.) on all aspects by means of watching television. Some people even argue that but for the watching television, there is nothing they could do after a day of work (Again, such a sequence is very unreadable. This structure should read as 'there's nothing...but...', not the other way round.). Therefore, if it there were not the television, people could be living a boring and ill-informed life.

Nevertheless, upon further reflection it becomes clear that the influence the telephone brings about for human beings surpasses that from the television. The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the television (propensity for telephone’s greater effect on people) ('propensity' is in one of the templates often used by all sorts of candidates, so I'd advise against it.) lies in the fact that telephone provides people with one dramatically different and amazing way for information exchange as well as communication, while people mainly watch television for relaxation. Before the advent of the telephone, people can merely write (To each other, I suppose?) or have face-to-face communication, but now things have changed. Being hungry? Just give a call and order your meal or tickets (Why would you order tickets when you're hungry?). Miss your parents? Phone them and have an intimate talk which can effectively add to the harmonious relationship among family members. Accordingly, without access to the telephone, how can one enjoy such a convenient lifestyle as today's?

Another reason why I consider the telephone as more significant lies in the fact that the telephone serves people with simultaneous communication, especially in their working process (Whose? People's? The telephones'?), that even innovative communication tools like E-mailing appear pale in comparison in some aspects. Easy access to the telephone renders communication in over long distances feasible, thus effectively improves the efficiency of business operations. For instance, direct information exchange among the manager and his labor or even the telephone conference has been realized in reality (=.= I've seen repetitions and I'm generally not too demanding on removing them, but repetitions with the same root word is probably too much.). Besides, the telephone offers direct contact between people, which benefits accurate comprehension between the speakers and the listeners. (FYI: If you've ever attended a telephone conference between 8 people and each of them has a different accent of English, you'll understand that 'accurate comprehension' over the phone is a fleeting dream.)  On the other hand, the internet has already served a large amount of information and entertainment about anything you have interest in, an amount more than the television can bring about. Therefore, the telephone cannot be substituted while television performs differently??.

To sum up, even though I concede that the television to some degree has great impact on people's life, I tend to maintain that the telephone arouses (You can't 'arouse' effect.) more effect on people' life. As long as we make most use of the tool, we can surely live a comparatively efficient life. (NOT RELATED to the question at all.)

总结：

这位童鞋还真是个文艺青年的说。。用词啊修辞啊句法啊。。还有华丽丽的倒装。。但你还是会犯语法错误，而且经常是长句子中间写着写着就忘记了的那种语法错误。。

另外一个就是问题是对生活的影响，注意这个题目并没有规定effect必须是好的 XD。。而你写的似乎更加适合‘电话比起电视来有什么好处’之类的题目。因为你在第一个正面论点里有联系到过去和现在的交流方式的变化，所以还不能说完全偏题，但是第二个正面论点就完全停留在电话的好处上去了。另外两个正面论点实在是太相似了。如果你第二个论点要说的实际是电话不可取代，但电视可以取代，那你说的例子应该也是这一类的，而不是和第一个论点一样的关于交流的例子。总之就是你的语言很华丽，你的文章的整体结构也很好，但是你的论述表现出来的思考深度显得过于单一。

weiguangyunUID: 2552712

Has the telephone more effect on people's lives than the television has?

Both television and telephone assume significant roles in people's daily life. Some place more importance on television, while others including me consider the telephone more influential in our life for reasons as follows.

The implicit rationale behind the assertion the television has more effect on people's life is that; admittedly, television has changed the way people live to some extent. Not only has television furnished people with different forms of entertainment programs like movies and television series, but also people really enlarge their knowledge in many aspects by means of watching television. Some people even argue that but watching television, there is nothing they could do after a day of work. Therefore, if there were no television, people could be living a boring and ill-informed life.

Nevertheless, upon further reflection it becomes clear that the influence the telephone brings about for human beings surpasses that from the television. The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the television lies in the fact that telephone provides people with one dramatically different and amazing way for information exchange as well as communication, while people mainly watch television for relaxation. Before the advent of the telephone, people can merely write to each other or have face-to-face communication, but now things have changed. Being hungry? Just give a call and order your meal. Miss your parents? Phone them and have an intimate talk which can effectively add to the harmonious relationship among family members. Accordingly, without access to the telephone, how can one enjoy such a convenient lifestyle as today's?

Another reason why I consider telephone as more significant lies in the fact that telephone has so profound influence on people that they cannot be substituted while other activities can compensate for no television watching. The telephone serves people with simultaneous communication that even innovative communication tools like E-mail appear pale in comparison in some aspects. The telephone offers direct contact between people which benefits accurate comprehension between the speakers and the listeners. Consider the telephone interview that some US professors require to test graduate course applicants of their English proficiency and other qualities. Despite of previous contact through E-mail, the professor still have belief in the truth and reliability of direct contact. On the other hand, internet has already serve large amount of information and entertainment about anything you have interest in, more than the television can bring about. Therefore, the telephone cannot be replaced while television can.

To sum up, even though I concede that the television to some degree has great impact on people's life, telephone contribute revolution of means of communication and can its service possess irreplaceable features like accuracy and reliability. Taking all accounts into consideration, I tend to maintain that the telephone has more impacts on people's life than the television does.

其实我原来是想：第一个正面观点表明“电话在日常生活中的作用>电视，提供快捷的交流方式”，第二个正面观点表明“电话在工作中也为人们提供了方便”。

你说“论述的缺乏深度”，可能是指两者都是在说电话方便交流吧，可是我还是没有想起来另一个比较好的方面来说明电话的影响大于电视，没有思路了。。。
于是就把问题推到极端又论证了一段，不知道对于增加深度有米有帮助,是不是通常论证的方法。。。
另，结尾也修改过了

其实很想知道一般情况下，如何避免显得单一的思考深度

mpromanusUID: 2565872

过了一遍，再看了你说的想法。。你说你想表达的两个观点是‘日常生活’和‘工作’中的交流方便，分成这两个不同的方向是可以的，问题是你段落的主题句表达出来的完全不是这个意思啊。。=.=

第一个观点段的第一句：The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the television lies in the fact that telephone provides people with one dramatically different and amazing way for information exchange as well as communication, while people mainly watch television for relaxation. 这么长的一句话，你只有‘交流方便’的字，‘日常生活’这个字在哪里？到了最后一句你总算有一个‘生活’的字眼了，可是‘日常’在哪里？

第二个观点段的第一句：Another reason why I consider telephone as more significant lies in the fact that telephone has so profound influence on people that they cannot be substituted while other activities can compensate for no television watching. 又是很长的一句话，这回连交流方便都不见了，到下一句才说出交流，然后就又论述 交流 去了，又是完全没看到‘工作’这个字。

还有一点就是，不是说你写的例子都是日常生活的例子所以考官就得自己能够总结出你想表达的是日常生活的意思。举个例子：你说妈妈我想吃水果，比如桔子啊橙子啊柠檬啊，然后你妈妈回来说桔子橙子柠檬都没有了不过我想着反正你要吃水果嘛就给你买了个菠萝。。你不吃？可是你没说你非要吃柑橘类的水果啊。。这样。你想通过你的例子表达的那个大的概念，或者共性，是你要写给考官看的，而不是像阅读题一样去考考官让他去猜你的例子有什么共性，想表达什么一个大的概念。

这样。总之就是说你实际传达出来的观点和你想要表达的观点完全不一样的话，怎么能说服考官呢。。=.= 每个考官很可能只有5分钟来读每篇文章，他们是通过每一段的开头结尾两句来建立对文章的整体印象的。你要清楚知道，联系和区别那两个或者三个观点的几个关键字到底是什么？在你的想法里，把文章统一起来的关键字是 交流方便，区分两个观点的关键字是 日常生活 和 工作，那么你的观点句就得按照这几个关键字写，然后跟着观点句去举例、论述。

weiguangyunUID: 2552712

Has the telephone more effect on people's lives than the television has?

Both television and telephone assume significant roles in people's daily life. Some place more importance on television, while others including me consider the telephone more influential in our life for reasons as follows.

The implicit rationale behind the assertion the television has more effect on people's life is that; admittedly, television has changed the way people live to some extent. Not only has television furnished people with different forms of entertainment programs like movies and television series, but also people really enlarge their knowledge in many aspects by means of watching television. Some people even argue that but watching television, there is nothing they could do after a day of work. Therefore, if there were no television, people could be living a boring and ill-informed life.

Nevertheless, upon further reflection it becomes clear that the influence the telephone brings about for human beings surpasses that from the television. The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the telephone lies in the fact that the telephone provides people with efficient way of communication thus makes our daily life convenient, while people mainly watch television for relaxation. Before the advent of the telephone, people can merely write to each other or have face-to-face communication, but now things have changed. Being hungry? Just give a call and order your meal. Miss your parents? Phone them and have an intimate talk which can effectively add to the harmonious relationship among family members. Accordingly, without access to the telephone, how can one enjoy such a convenient lifestyle as today's?

Another reason why I consider the telephone as more significant lies in the fact that the telephone also contributes to timely communication during work thus effectively improves the efficiency of business operations, while television is seldom used in work. For instance, direct information exchange among the manager and his labor or even the telephone conference has been realized. Besides, the telephone offers direct contact between people, which benefits accurate comprehension between the speakers and the listeners. Even innovative communication tools like E-mailing appear pale in comparison in some aspects. On the other hand, people seldom make use of television in work. Even the TV meeting is not vey common because of high expense. Therefore, it is the telephone that play a significant role in people’ work process.

To sum up, even though I concede that the television to some degree has great impact on people’s life like bringing about entertainment, it is the telephone that contributes to simultaneous and direct communication in both living and working aspects in our daily life. Taking all accounts into consideration, I tend to maintain that the telephone has more impacts on people's life than the television does.

非常感谢你的评语，看来还是语言表述不清的问题。又重新修改了一下，现已把每段段首和段尾都用下划线标出，方便阅读；其实中间的论证也调整了，基本上用的是第一次给你看的例子，我仔细想了一下，所谓”telephone cannot be substituted”而”television can” 好像跟我的中心没有关系，就删掉了。
不知道现在整体情况怎么样，还存在什么问题？

另外，我还是不明白你第一次说的“论述的缺乏深度”问题，其实我现在两点还是都是说的“交流”问题，只不过分了“日常生活”“工作”方面，可以么？
思路方面有些局限，不知道是否可以提醒一下？

另：回复的时候不知道问什么下划线不显示。。。sorry for that ...

mpromanusUID: 2565872

5# weiguangyun

现在看起来好很多了。你现在主题句的关键字和论述都比较有针对性，这些做法是好的。

我一开始说的没有深度，意思是你说 交流，生活 工作 两方面，这都可以，但是你论述出来的大部分还只是电话可以交流，交流有好处，就比较表面的了，A比B好的原因不光是A好，是A的好比B的好要大，你需要更多的 比较。比如，第二个分论点提到电视的时候说工作中电视交流不如电话交流那么普遍，这个想法就是对的，但是视像会议是video conference而不是TV conference所以这个例子举错了。。第一个论点相对的就是比较的部分不够。你现在的思路不是说论点方面的局限，而是如何精确地挖掘出电话和电视之间的区别（而不是单纯地说电话的好处）并用例子的细节把这些区别表现出来。比如：生活中电话带来的方便，是因为电话可以让使用的人即时得到他想要的信息，而电视提供的信息不一定是他当时正好需要的 - 而不是说，电话很方便，电视只是提供娱乐，所以电话比较有用，这样子的写法表达不出可比性。

weiguangyunUID: 2552712

Has the telephone more effect on people's lives than the television has?

Both television and telephone assume significant roles in people's daily life. Some place more importance on television, while others including me consider the telephone more influential in our life for reasons as follows.

The implicit rationale behind the assertion the television has more effect on people's life is that; admittedly, television has changed the way people live to some extent. Not only has television furnished people with different forms of entertainment programs like movies and television series, but also people really enlarge their knowledge in many aspects by means of watching television. Some people even argue that but watching television, there is nothing they could do after a day of work. Therefore, if there were no television, people could be living a boring and ill-informed life.

Nevertheless, upon further reflection it becomes clear that the influence the telephone brings about for human beings surpasses that from the television. The first and probably the foremost reason for my preference for the telephone lies in the fact that the telephone provides people with efficient way of communication thus makes our daily life convenient, while people mainly watch television for relaxation, while usually people cannot obtain useful information but relaxation the moment they need it. Before the advent of the telephone, people can merely write to each other or have face-to-face communication, but now things have changed. Being hungry? Just give a call and order your meal. Miss your parents? Phone them and have an intimate talk which can effectively add to the harmonious relationship among family members. On the other hand, when open the television; it is more likely people can merely watch programs designed for all the audience, rather than any individual. Accordingly, without access to the telephone, how can one enjoy such a convenient lifestyle as today?

Another reason why I consider the telephone as more significant lies in the fact that the telephone also contributes to timely communication during work thus effectively improves the efficiency of business operations, while television is seldom used in work. For instance, direct information exchange among the manager and his labor or even the telephone conference has been realized. Besides, the telephone offers direct contact between people, which benefits accurate comprehension between the speakers and the listeners. Even innovative communication tools like E-mailing appear pale in comparison in some aspects. On the other hand, people seldom make use of television in work. Imagine how angry a boss should feel if he witnesses his employees watching television when they should work. Therefore, it is the telephone that plays a significant role in people’s work and it is work that makes up a large part of people’s life.

To sum up, even though I concede that the television to some degree has great impact on people’s life like bringing about entertainment, it is the telephone that contributes to simultaneous and direct communication in both living and working aspects in our daily life. Taking all accounts into consideration, I tend to maintain that the telephone has more impacts on people's life than the television does.

兰笔是修改的，主要就是按照你说的，在第一正面段里面加了段首&On the other hand 两处；第二正面段改了例子和段尾句。