第一次写作文 希望大家帮我改一下 提提意见

sharkcc01UID: 2659359

TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."
WORDS: 406          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2010/3/13 10:33:49
(实际写了35分钟多一点啊，写到最后一段那儿了，时间来不及了，字数应该在450左右）

In this argument,the author draws a conclusion that their company should build a new store in Plainvile.To substantiate his assumption,the arguer points out that the Plainsvile has many residents who are concerned about the healthy lives.In addition,he reasons that some local health club which nearly closed down has more members than ever.Furthermore,he cites a phonomenon that some schoolchildren in Plainsville are required to participate in the healthy program.At first glance,the argument appears to be somewhat convincing,but further reflection reveals that it omits some substantial concerns that should be addressed in the argument .From the logical perspective,the argument mainly suffers from three flaws.

Firstly,the arguer says that previous experience showed that their stores are most profitable in some areas and implies that they will also achieves profits in Plainsvile.However,Profit is a factor relating to not only revenue,but also cost.It is entirely possible that the cost of establishing new stores in Plainsvile will be a enormous number ,or other costs associated with the establishing of their brand in Plainsvile.Also ,when considered the local people's economic level,the arguer can not make sure that they will gain a lot of revenue,which will surpass the cost.So,without taking these economical factors into consideration,the arguer can not assert that they will gain the profits.

Secondly,the arguer says that the local health club which nearly closed down has more members than ever,thus indicates that it dues to people are paying more attention to their health.This is not entirely true because we can not know exactly what's the reason that causes these clubs to come to life.For example,some clubs start some campaign or they have some discounts for certain products or maybe it is a vogue to compell people to do so .Without ruling out these factors,he can not make sure that they will success in Plainsvile.

Thirdly,the arguer cites the phenomenon tha some schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program which emphasizes of the benefits of exercise at an early life.But doing exercises does not mean that they are focus more on health:maybe some take the program to achieve a better body shape or just want to relax themselves.Also,even assuming that they want to improve their heath ,it doesn't mean that these schoolchidren will buy the Nature's Way's products.

To sum up,the arguer fails to substantiate his claim that they should build their new store in Plainsvile because the evidence he cited in the analysis does not lend strong supports to what the arguer maintains.In order to make the argument more convincing,the author would have to provide more information with regard to the marketing conditions of the healthy products in Plainvile.Also,he would demonstrate that whether those loal clubs can cater to the circumstance of investment or the local people's consuming habits.Therefore ,if the argument had induced the given factor discussed above,it would have been more thorough and logically acceptale.

sharkcc01UID: 2659359

来个人啊！！！太打击我这新手了

sharkcc01UID: 2659359

来人啊。111