习作-3.22 argument9求拍

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还没来得及修改，先贴出来再说吧~~~
TOPIC: ARGUMENT9 - The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.

"Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors."
WORDS: 385          TIME: 00:30:42          DATE: 2010-3-22 20:08:36



Although the dean's desire of enabling the graduates of Omega University to secure better jobs is laudable, the recommendation of teminating student evaluation of professors might be abortive since the dean unfairly assumes that the evluation system causes the increased average-grade and assumes that this grade inflation is the reason that Omega University graduates are not able to get as good jobs as that of nearby Alhpa University.


In fact, the dean may fails to consider and rule out other possible factors contributing to the increase of grades rather than the evaluation procedure introduced fifteen years ago. Perhaps, from fifteen years ago,  the nation take some new policy, such as set a tempting scholarship to encourage students to get higher scores in scholl. Since the writer doesn't provide any more specific information about the average grade of other universities, we can hardly accept the assumes that the rise of average grade results from the evaluation of professors.


Moreover, the dean doesn't present sufficient evidence to prove that the employers view the grades of graduats of Omega University are inflated thus they reject these students application to work for them.  Possibly, the really problem lies in the courses setted in the Omega Univesity. For example, if the students in Omega University have less skill in controlling computers and are less successful in communicating with other students, there will be doubt that the emloyers are not willing to receive them as workers. So, without complete comparison of Omega University with Alpha University, we can't be convinced that simply teminating the evaluation will gives the graduates in Omega Unevestiy more chances of good jobs.


In addition, the arguer ignores the positive impact brought by the evaluation of professors before deciding to give an end to it. Common sense tells us that, students with higher grades usually are more leraned in the basical theories, and because of this, the employers will examine one's grades at shcool when use him or her. If we teminate this procedure, and leading a lower average grades in later years ,the graduates are likely be more difficult in finding jobs.
To Sum up, this argument is not reasionable as it stands. To convince us, the dean need to do more surveys to prove that the higher grades are really not wanted by the employers.

cooltozeroUID: 2705603

自拍~~~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT9 - The following appeared in a memorandum from a dean at Omega University.

"Fifteen years ago, Omega University implemented a new procedure that encouraged students to evaluate the teaching effectiveness of all their professors. Since that time, Omega professors have begun to assign higher grades in their classes, and overall student grade averages at Omega have risen by thirty percent. Potential employers apparently believe the grades at Omega are inflated; this would explain why Omega graduates have not been as successful at getting jobs as have graduates from nearby Alpha University. To enable its graduates to secure better jobs, Omega University should now terminate student evaluation of professors."
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Although the dean's desire to do enable the graduates of Omega University to secure better jobs is laudable, the recommendation that the evaluation procedure should be terminated might be abortive since the dean unfairly assumes that the evluation system causes the increased average-grade and assumes that this grade inflation is the reason that Omega University graduates are not able to get as good jobs as that of nearby Alhpa University. (也不知道这种开头还存在什么严重问题不/）


换一种新的写法：
In fact, there is no evidence available to support any causal relationship between the incease of grades and the evaluation of the professors. (为了指出错误类型为因果关系不成立。)It is possible that fifteen year ago, the nation has set new policies such as an atempting scholarship to encourage students to study hard. Also, there is a good chance these undergraduates are paying more attention to their scores in school since the more and more fierce competition for good jobs.(提出两个它因） After all, the writer doesn't provide any information of  average grades in other univesities these years. Perhaps, increase of average grade is no a phenomena found in Omega University. With out ruling out ther factors mentioned above, we can not accept the claim that the evaluation has caused the rise of grades.（否定作者的这个假设）


Moreover, the dean unfairly assums that the porential employers view the grades of Omega University are inflated, so that students of it can not be as successful as those of Alpha Univesity in finding good jobs(提出问题所在，是作者的这个因果假设不成立）. In practice, the writer may fails to take into account other factors contributing the abilities of hunting jobs. For example, the students in Alpha Univesity may learn more skills in operatin computers or are more good at communicating and woring with others. In addition, maybe faculty in Alpah univesity take more effort in helping its students find jobs（提出了三个它因）. And obviously, the writer overlooks other differences between the two universities.  Common sense tell us that different majors have different job prospect in the market, since are no infomed whether basic conditions of the two schools are in common, whether them are comparable is open to doubt（提出这两个学校可能是不可相比的，类比错误，这个类比错误是假设的基础，所以放在这一段里面来说）.So, lacking specific information about the ideals of the empoyers, and the other differences of this two univesities, the dean's assumption is not reliable. （否定作者的假设）


In addition, the arguer ignores the positive impact brought by the evaluation of professors before deciding to give an end to it. As we know, students with higher grades usually are more leraned in the basical theories, and because of this, the employers will examine one's grades at shcool when use him or her. If we teminate this procedure, and leading a lower average grades in later years ,the graduates are likely be more difficult in finding jobs.


To Sum up, this argument is not reasionable as it stands. Berfore simply teminate the evaluation system in Omega University, more surveys are needed to prove that the evaluation of professors lead to the higher grades and this higher grades contributes the fewer chances of finding jobs than the Alpha University.
结尾得添长一点。

sunflower_irisUID: 2720580

Although the dean's desire to do(直接写advice或者suggestion好不好呢？) enable the graduates of Omega University to secure better jobs is laudable, the recommendation that the evaluation procedure should be terminated might be abortive since the dean unfairly assumes that the evluation(evaluation) system causes the increased average-grade and assumes that this grade inflation is the reason that Omega University graduates are not able to get as good jobs as that of nearby Alhpa University. (也不知道这种开头还存在什么严重问题不/读这句话有点费劲，不知道是不是我功力太浅薄。我觉得你可以分为几个小句子让结构更清晰。从since后面是说Argument里的错误，可以分点来说，你攻击了两点，第一是评价体系构成了平均成绩的上涨，第二点是高的平均成绩导致毕业生无法就业。其实仔细分析题目，作者的assumption建立是这样的：平均成绩的上涨是因为教授给的分高，教授给分高的原因是想得到好的评价， potential employer认为高成绩是假的，所以导致学生无法像A大学的学生一样好找工作，这样一来，可攻击的点就很多了，是不是？你跳过了其中的两个部分，对么？）
换一种新的写法：
In fact, there is no evidence available（可以去掉） to support any causal relationship between the incease(increase) of grades and the evaluation of the professors. (为了指出错误类型为因果关系不成立。)It is possible that fifteen year ago, the nation has(had) set new policies such as an atempting(attempting?) scholarship to encourage students to study hard. Also, there is a good chance(Or perhaps) these undergraduates are(were) paying more attention to their scores in school since the more and more fierce competition for good jobs.(提出两个它因） After all, the writer(author要好一点，writer一般指作家) doesn't provide any information of  average grades in other univesities these years. Perhaps, increase of average grade is no a phenomena found in Omega University. Without ruling out ther（other） factors (as)mentioned above(因为不能说你提到的假设就是全部原因，所以加个such as比较好一点), we can not accept the claim that the evaluation has caused the rise of grades.（否定作者的这个假设）（你是有思路的，但是就像上面提出的，评价系统和成绩上升没有直接联系，学生努力学习的假设只能推翻教授没有故意提高分数，还有一个方面是，没有证据证明教授很在意这个评价系统是不是？）


Moreover, the dean unfairly assums（assumes） that the porential(potencial) employers view the grades of Omega University are inflated, so that students of it can not be as successful as those of Alpha Univesity（University） in finding good jobs(提出问题所在，是作者的这个因果假设不成立）(这一句又是两个假设，第一个，学生是不是真的比A大学的学生差呢？第二，即使真的就业差，也不能证明是employer认为学生成绩作假.这里有一个递进关系，不知道你注意到了没有。你在下面的论述中也确实谈到了这两点，但是逻辑有点小混乱). In practice, the writer may fails to take into account other factors contributing the abilities of hunting jobs. For example, the students in Alpha Univesity(university) may learn more skills in operatin computers or are more good at communicating and woring with others. In addition, maybe faculty in Alpah univesity take more effort in helping its students find jobs（提出了三个它因）. And obviously, the writer overlooks other differences between the two universities.  Common sense tell us that different majors have different job prospect in the market, since (主语呢？)are no infomed whether basic conditions of the two schools are in common, whether them are comparable is open to doubt（提出这两个学校可能是不可相比的，类比错误，这个类比错误是假设的基础，所以放在这一段里面来说）(前面比较了两个学校，后面又说两个学校不可比，不是自相矛盾了么).So, lacking specific information about the ideals of the empoyers（employers）, and the other differences of this two univesities, the dean's assumption is
not reliable（assumption本来就是不reliable的，reliable一般用于survey或者study之类的事实上，可以用convincing之类的词语）. （否定作者的假设）


In addition, the arguer ignores the positive impact brought by the evaluation of professors before deciding to give an end to it. As we know, students with higher grades usually are more leraned in（learn more about） the basical（basic） theories, and because of this, the employers will examine one's grades at school when use him or her(这句话没看懂……). If we teminate this procedure, and leading a lower average grades in later years ,the graduates are likely be more difficult in finding jobs.（这段的主题是对的，evaluation是有价值的，但是价值并不在于给了学生高分，而在于让教师更好的知道自己的优缺点去提高教学水平，如果评价系统的作用是给高分的话，跟你上面的分析不就矛盾了么）


To Sum up, this argument is not reasionable as it stands. Berfore simply teminate the evaluation system in Omega University, more surveys are needed to prove that the evaluation of professors lead to the higher grades and this higher grades contributes the fewer chances of finding jobs than the Alpha University.（结尾就不评价了，如果BODY做的好的话，结尾自然就出来了）

总结一下：
第一，你已经有意识地去发展和总结自己的逻辑，这是不错的。但在行文之前，一定要把题目分析透彻，先理解了作者的逻辑，再找出他的逻辑漏洞，这个是基础。在开头你已经暴露出了对题目分析的缺憾，要记得，每一个结论都有一个直接的原因，往往被忽视的直接原因才是漏洞的根源。
第二，行文中一定要注意自己写作中的逻辑关系，自相矛盾是最大的缺陷，好不容易建立起来的体系被自己推翻了多可惜，是不是？你的关联词很有限，also ，and，since换着用，其实还有递进，还有反论很多的形式，并列并不是个好方法。而且，在说明原因之后要记得总结，让rater看清你自己构筑的逻辑形式。
第三，错别字和语法我没有一一修正，确实有点多了，there be句型用的太多，反而容易显示出你句式的局限。如果长句子没有把握，就用短句子，没人说短句子不好，只要清晰流畅，不一定非要多复杂才显得高深。
加油吧，希望下周可以看到你的成效哦，没准就大不一样了。

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3# sunflower_iris

太谢谢了！！！我努力~~