writing 互改

Vicky26UID: 2780450

6.24 我要坚持呀~~~


Do you agree or disagree the following statement？
0 P6 t9 s: q6 t8 j  zSuccessful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they've done well

Magazines never tire of telling stories about the method of well-down people to success that is they carefully work. For the most successful individuals, they focus on all things which are planning to finish, even taking risks to profit from the plans, they will exert their selves to accomplish the assignment. Because of their conscientious heart, there is impossibility to them still a common individual.
Making changes also very important to the celebrated individuals, it is a necessary way to become famous, so the individuals take new things and risks. However, they are lack of experiences, looking for more and more resources to make a correct decision are called the way to risk. For example, the managers who plans careful of a new project must consider a lot of possibilities if the project fails then the company pay a high cost. Comparing with the things they have done, they spend much time, labor recourses that do the research of possibility, and even money, it is not a simple thing to start a new plan.
In addition, new ideas can make another kind of profit for the successful people. Due to their famous that common people admire them, the celebrated individuals need to do some fresh thing to prove their abilities. Careful planning is a requisite of their way to accomplish new things. Furthermore, if they do not think over carefully and fail, it may bring them into a trouble. The public mass media may give a report which is overstated about the fact. However, the problem when taking risks is that one can bring a forgone and one can lose reputation. But the successful individuals will consider a lot consequence before they do a new thing that can minimize the failure. Taking new thing and risks, the successful individuals is more carefully than taking thing they have done, because they have no enough experiences that let the new thing finish perfect.

canoe03UID: 2786666

Magazines never tire of telling stories about the method of well-down people to(on?觉得to不大合适) success that is they carefully work (这里应该缺少了一个介词). For the most successful individuals, they(who) focus on all things which are planning to finish, even taking risks to profit from the plans, they will exert their selves(themselves?) to accomplish the assignment. Because of their conscientious heart, there is impossibility to(for) them (being) still a common individual.

Making changes (is) also very important to the celebrated individuals,(这是个完整的句子，应用句号) it is a necessary way to become famous, so the individuals take new things and risks. However, they are lack of experiences,(and) looking for more and more resources to make a correct decision (which) are called the way to risk(这个句子相当拗口，应该好好改改). For example, the managers(a manager) who plans careful(carefully)
of(for) a new project must consider a lot of possibilities(everything好了) if the project fails then the company pay a high cost(price). Comparing with the things they have done, they spend much time, labor(human) recourses that do the research of possibility, and even money, it is not a simple thing to start a new plan(嗯，这个句子看不懂).


In addition, new ideas can make another kind of profit(这样说是很让人弄不清楚的) for the successful people. Due to their famous(fame) that common people admire them, the celebrated individuals(they) need to do some fresh thing to prove their abilities. Careful planning is a requisite of their(删掉) way to accomplish new things. Furthermore, if they do not think over carefully(删掉，think over有仔细考虑的意思了) and fail, it may bring them into a trouble. The public mass media may give a report which is overstated(overstate) about the fact. However, the problem when taking risks is that one can bring a forgone(这是一个动词) and one can lose reputation. But the successful individuals will consider a lot consequence before they do a new thing that can minimize the failure. Taking new thing and risks, the successful individuals is more carefully than taking thing they have done, because they have no enough experiences that let the new thing finish perfect.

Vicky可能是第一次写作文，其中的错误比较多。首先，这样的结构是不行的，你一开始没有提出自己的观点来，而是一开始就写。其次，文章的逻辑性不强，用的例子也很牵强。黄色标出的那段话，我实在看得不是很懂。这篇作文中的语法错误比较多，鉴于本人能力有限，只能改出其中一部分。句子的结构比较混乱，很多地方我看不懂，因为不知道楼主具体要论证什么。建议楼主先看看那些优秀的作文是怎么写的，然后写的时候列个提纲，一二三论点，一一论证。这样会比较好，我自己水平也不怎么样，说的不是之处，请谅解！看Vicky的资料是重庆的，我去过重庆好几次，重庆的面很好吃，老麻抄手也很好吃，还有很多很多！加油加油！




you could also check the attachment
V.doc (29.5 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2010-6-25 20:56:04 上传

下载次数: 4

canoe03UID: 2786666

还有，你写错了作文地址，没关系，在搜索里面找的到的！！:victory: