【欢迎拍文小组】2010/07/07-----argument14

clarence8UID: 2813388

TOPIC: ARGUMENT14 - The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center, a small business serving a suburban town.

"There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring."
WORDS: 425
TIME: 00:50:00
DATE: 2010/7/7 11:38:35

In this argument, the author claims that their company should amplify the variety of vegetable seeds, with the expanding market of the consumers' gardening themselves. This assertion seems logical at the first glance, as we probe into it, we'll find out large quantity of logic flaws hidden in this argument.
The threshold problem is that the reasonableness of the evidence the author offered is quite questionable. One problem with the argument is that it assumes that the nationwide survey about consumers' dissatisfaction from the supermarket applies equally to this suburban town, where Green Thumb Gardening Center is located. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the climate of the whole nation turned severe, causing fresh vegetables deteriorated unavoidably. However, this small place may not the case, with fine weather, their vegetables cannot be fresher any more. Or perhaps, this town is famous for its green stuff cultivating, and export their agriculture products to the country. The residents plant without destination, leading the quality going down and displeasing the nationwide customers. So they would refer to reducing their gardening amounts rather than expanding.
Another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that it was mentioned in the passage a kind of gardening magazine was sold out in three months. While, the details of the magazine were never raised up. What if it concentrates on the art of gardening management? The sales volume is invisible neither, so we can’t figure out the actual extend the gardening is accepted locally.
Before I come out of my final conclusion, it’s necessary to point out the last flaw involved in this argument, the writer asserted dogmatically, that only if they expand the variety of the vegetable seeds, they’ll make innumerable profits as return. We seldom know whether the competitors output is already abundant enough, whether the residents only prefer a few types, whether the environment is appropriate to all the vegetables. Without researching all these above, profits are far from being ensured.
To sum up, the arguer fails to substantiate his claim that they will make money by selling varied vegetable seeds, because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make this argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to authorized local surveys. Additionally, he would have to demonstrate the prospect of their commercial operation. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more insightful and logically acceptable.
注：刚刚开始起步，所以时间没有严格按照规定的时间，请见谅。大家用力拍！！

raysun77UID: 2688235

1# clarence8
In this argument, the author claims that their company should amplify the variety of vegetable seeds, with the expanding market of the consumers' gardening themselves. This assertion seems logical at the first glance, as we probe into it, we'll find out large quantity of logic flaws hidden in this argument.
The threshold problem is that the reasonableness of the evidence the author offered is quite questionable One problem with the argument is that it assumes that the nationwide survey about consumers' dissatisfaction from the supermarket applies equally to this suburban town, where Green Thumb Gardening Center is located. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the climate of the whole nation turned severe, causing fresh vegetables deteriorated unavoidably. However, this small place may not the case, with fine weather, their vegetables cannot be fresher any more. Or perhaps, this town is famous for its green stuff cultivating, and export their agriculture products to the country. The residents plant without destination, leading the quality going down and displeasing the nationwide customers. So they would refer to reducing their gardening amounts rather than expanding.（你这一段是要攻击调查范围的问题，但是你的例子 the climate 让我感觉就一些强词夺理，他这里涉及到的是整体和局部的关系，抓住局部可能是例外所以不能由整体的情推倒局部的情况这一点进行论证就行了，还有就是我感觉在举例子之前最好先说几句，直接上例子说服力不强，）
Another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that it was mentioned in the passage a kind of gardening magazine was sold out in three months. While, the details of the magazine were never raised up. What if it concentrates on the art of gardening management? The sales volume is invisible neither, so we can’t figure out the actual extend the gardening is accepted locally.（可以再充实一下吗， 这一段和上一段相比明显就是薄厚不均的嘛）
Before I come out of my final conclusion, it’s necessary to point out the last flaw involved in this argument, the writer asserted dogmatically, that only if they expand the variety of the vegetable seeds, they’ll make innumerable profits as return. We seldom know whether the competitors output is already abundant enough, whether the residents only prefer a few types, whether the environment is appropriate to all the vegetables. Without researching all these above, profits are far from being ensured.
To sum up, the arguer fails to substantiate his claim that they will make money by selling varied vegetable seeds, because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make this argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to authorized local surveys. Additionally, he would have to demonstrate the prospect of their commercial operation. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more insightful and logically acceptable.
总结：你主要的逻辑错误都能抓出来，但是在攻击力度方面还是有一些弱，比如说你最后攻击profit的那一段，一半的段落在陈述，提了几个问题之后就直接结尾了，感觉太薄弱了

clarence8UID: 2813388

2# raysun77 万分感谢如此中肯评价，我完成今天的作业就重新修改一下这篇作文。到时劳驾再修改下

追梦小木耳UID: 2781857

In this argument, the author claims that their company should amplify(好词) the variety of vegetable seeds, with the expanding market of the consumers' gardening themselves. This assertion seems logical at the first glance, as we probe into it, we'll find out large quantity of logic flaws hidden in this argument.
The threshold problem is that the reasonableness of the evidence the author offered is quite questionable. One problem with the argument is that it assumes that the nationwide survey about consumers' dissatisfaction from (with) the supermarket applies equally to this suburban town, where Green Thumb Gardening Center is located. Yet this might not be the case, for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the climate of the whole nation turned severe, causing fresh vegetables deteriorated unavoidably. However, this small place may not be the case, （另起一句）with fine weather, their vegetables cannot be fresher any more. Or perhaps, this town is famous for its green stuff cultivating, and export their agriculture（agricultural） products to the country. The residents plant without destination, leading the quality going down and displeasing the nationwide customers. So they would refer to reducing their gardening amounts rather than expanding.(however 后面有点逻辑混乱啊。先说种的蔬菜好，又说没有目的乱种？)
Another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that it was mentioned in the passage a kind of gardening magazine was sold out in three months. While, the details of the magazine were never raised up.（用的貌似不太合适） What if it concentrates on the art of gardening management? The sales volume is invisible neither, so we can’t figure out the actual extend the gardening is accepted locally.
Before I come out of my final conclusion, it’s necessary to point out the last flaw involved in this argument, the writer asserted dogmatically, that only if they expand the variety of the vegetable seeds, they’ll make innumerable profits as return. We seldom know whether the competitors ’output is already abundant enough, whether the residents only prefer a few types, whether the environment is appropriate to all the vegetables. Without researching all these above, profits are far from being ensured.
To sum up, the arguer fails to substantiate his claim that they will make money by selling varied vegetable seeds, because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make this argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to authorized local surveys. Additionally, he would have to demonstrate the prospect of their commercial operation. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more insightful and logically acceptable.
除了第二段逻辑有点不通，内容很好，很有说服力
用了很多很好的词汇，而且词汇都很various
句子感觉有点拧巴。但也可能是因为我喜欢用简单句

clarence8UID: 2813388

4# 追梦小木耳
这就是之前跟你说的，经常自己的思路清晰，但就是写不出来，或者写出来是就没了逻辑……值得好好注意啊

suyanjun1987UID: 2785814

In this argument, the author claims that their company should amplify the variety of vegetable seeds, with the expanding market of the consumers' gardening themselves. This assertion seems logical at the first glance, as we probe into it, (这里是不是少了个however)we'll find out large quantity of logic flaws (我觉得这里用大量的逻辑错误不是很合适，总共人家那么几句话，你也只指出了几个错误，所以用大量感觉说的太狠了……）hidden in this argument.
The threshold problem is that the reasonableness of the evidence the author offered is quite questionable（这句话我觉得楼主没有指出问题是什么，其实表语从句前和从句后的意思是一样的，我觉得这句话可以省略，直接切入你攻击的问题）. One problem with the argument is that it assumes that the nationwide survey about consumers' dissatisfaction from the supermarket applies equally to this suburban town, where Green Thumb Gardening Center is located. Yet this might not be the case, （这个有逗号吗，没见过……呵呵）for a variety of possible reasons. Perhaps the climate of the whole nation turned severe, causing fresh vegetables deteriorated unavoidably. However, this small place may not the case, with fine weather, their vegetables cannot be fresher any more.（楼主可以继续往下想的，为什么只有这个地方没有变坏呢，是不是这个地方类似于美国和夏威夷之间的关系呢？因为按照常理推断，如果两个地方很临近，那么气候的相关性是很大的，这样的花这条论据很容易被推翻了） Or perhaps, this town is famous for its green stuff cultivating, and export their agriculture products to the country. The residents plant without destination（什么叫种植没有目的地？）, leading the quality going down and displeasing the nationwide customers. So they would refer to reducing their gardening amounts rather than expanding.这条论据我实在是没有看懂……
Another problem that weakens the logic of this argument is that it was mentioned in the passage a kind of gardening magazine was sold out in three months.（这句话我觉得楼主的本意是指出问题，但是问题呢？我斗胆给楼主翻译一下：另一个降低了文章的逻辑性的问题是他指出了园艺杂志三个月卖光了？我要是考官会想，人家杂志卖光了会有什么问题？只是我的见解……） While, the details of the magazine were never raised up.（其实这句话才真正的问题，Another problem that ……argument is that as mentioned, a kind of ……in  three months, while the details of ……这样两句话就是一句话了， 就就指出了问题）What if it concentrates on the art of gardening management? The sales volume is invisible neither, so we can’t figure out the actual extend the gardening is accepted locally.
Before I come out of my final conclusion（这个连接短语赞一个，学习了）, it’s necessary to point out the last flaw involved in this argument,（连接词呢？） the writer asserted dogmatically, that only if they expand the variety of the vegetable seeds, they’ll make innumerable profits as return. （同上一段的问题）We seldom know whether the competitors output is already abundant enough, whether the residents only prefer a few types, whether the environment is appropriate to all the vegetables. Without researching all these above, profits are far from being ensured.
To sum up, the arguer fails to substantiate his claim that they will make money by selling varied vegetable seeds, because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To make this argument more convincing, the author would have to provide more information with regard to authorized local surveys. Additionally, he would have to demonstrate the prospect of their commercial operation. Therefore, if the argument had included the given factors discussed above, it would have been more insightful and logically acceptable.

我的觉得楼主可以多看一看官方范文的写法和AW Introduction, 里面有很多值得借鉴的东西。总体来说，我觉得就是楼主在指出问题是并没有指出有什么问题，而是直接说人家的Fact有问题，这样是犯了大忌的。我们要攻击的是人家的逻辑错误，而不是Fact。另外我觉得楼主而定第一段大可以把证据展开来写，因为论据整体感觉很单薄。
以上只是我的个人看法，可能说的多了点，有什么不当之处敬请谅解。

欢迎楼主也来拍我的作文，可以狂拍哦。呵呵。谢谢。
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1119880-1-1.html