本帖最后由 maskirry 于 2010-7-21 14:12 编辑
3# longxue26
7-20
Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money.
When speaking of businessmen, some people will blurt out: Oh! They smell like coppers! They know nothing but money! Then others
will be nodding up and down and shrugging
their shoulders.（为什么此处用进行时呀？可不可以直接will nod…and shrug…..挑个骨头，点头是同意，耸肩我觉得通常是表示不同意怀疑的呀…(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……此处到底是想说其他人同意还是不同意呢？） Well, though it's not decent to say that the only motivation of a businessman is the desire of money, I couldn't agree more with that. Moreover, I think there's nothing bad at all to be motivated by desire of money for a businessman.
First I want to ask a question that（这个that能不能不去掉？that多，瞅着不利索，呵呵） if not money, what else will make a man desire
for in his business？（我想了另一种表达方法，不知这样如何：What else expectation will a businessman have for his career?一来，desire节省着用，避免到必须用的时候词穷没的说，二来也避免重复哈） Maybe some people answer the big fame（yuki大姐，这句话改成这样行不，The big fame seems to be the majority’s answer.外国人很多时候和我们的语序是相反的，我们不妨借鉴一下，把重点的先说，何况我们也有能力这么操作哈。）. In fact, without the success of making considerable money, who will believe you're capable and deserve a broad admiration from others? In business, there hasn't been a famous man who is in a high position but with no nickel in his pocket. So desiring for money is the essential requirement for a businessman to
①survive in this competitive field.
People always say that where
there is a will, there is a way. In another word, when a person pays all his attention to one purpose, he will succeed. For one(好多one啊), who strongly desires for money in the running of his business, a strong motivation is the prerequisite for moving towards ②success. In addition, the high spirit will, to a great extent, help him come over difficulties and drive others in his team to make efforts together, too. In many cases, the same aim always brings about a
larger achievement.
There are many successful businessmen who devoted themselves into charities and helping others. While people are admiring their prosperous careers and kind-hearted activities, many of them tend to forget a route they walked through. That is: no money, no ability to
③offer help; no desire of money, no money at all.
If a businessman hasn't a motivation of obtaining money, how will he succeed in developing his career?
Not to mention whether he is able to bring a better life to his family or help others. After all, I will insist all the time that the high desire of money is the best motives for becoming a successful businessman.
文章中的①②③是我找出来您分论点的关键词，没有什么其它意义哈。
我写的观点正好和您是相反的，不过您的作文可以说服我支持您的观点，所以这篇文章是成功的。ETS在Development部分貌似还是比较喜欢多种的支持观点的方式的，文章中explanations用的比较多，希望可以用点example啥的。Organization部分，ETS给出一句话“if an essay is organized , a reader will be able to read it from beginning to end without becoming confused”.觉得读到主题原因段的时候，有点confused，但是我说不出具体是哪里有问题，建议主题原因段可不可以稍微清晰化一点，简洁化一点？语言运用部分，没有明显的语法错误，而且一些句子简洁有说服力。佩服您写的长度，我到后来都没得编了~呵呵 | 
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发表于 2010-7-20 10:37:24
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