issue130

brilliant77UID: 11224

"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have
not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


This statement actually consists of a series of two related claims:<1> socialization of children today determines the destiny of society  <2>now we don’t know how to raise children to bring them to be beneficial to society . While I agree with the first claim,I definitely disagree with the second claim which is too pessimistic about how we conduct children in a right way .  
   Children of today are masters of society in the future. How they are socialized determines their behavior in society once they grow up. As we all know ,children are easily to molded .If a children was breed up in a disciplined circumstance and received formal decent education he mostly can be a gentleman in the society .While if a guy learned to filch and did all kinds of bad things in childhood ,mostly he would be harmful to society once he grow up. There is certain kind of inevitability because when he learned to do bad things he actually reject the opportunity to be a useful man in the future. He can’t be useful to society because what he had learned is stealing ,robbery and racketeering ,also he had been used to take it from others through robbery or stealing when he need money .It is too difficult for them to adapt to make money through hardwork by themselves .Last year the daughter of one of my neighbours was arrested and sentenced 15 years in prison for many crimes she had committed .I know her when she was a little girl and as she grew up she dropped out from school and mixed herself with a group of street hooligans .She has no ability or intention to earn money through work so what she can do is just commit crimes and it’s no surprise that she got such a end.
If all children grown up in such a bad socialization way ,what is the destiny of the society? No one cares about others only themselves, no one work hard to make the society thrive ,and then no one could live in a safe and comfortable circumstance .
Fortunately ,people have realized the importance of make children to be socialized in a good way ,and have done much work which have got significant affect now. It is too arbitrary to draw the conclusion that we now don’t know how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. In china 2500 years ago one great thinker Kong fuzi have said that it’s the father’s fault if his son can’t grow to be beneficial to society. Nowadays young children got abundant education about how to be an useful people to society in all schools .They are taught to be independent ,care about each others ,honest ,diligent ,etc. Most of children have grown up to be useful to society except for a little of children lost their way and failed to be beneficial to society.
Result turns out all things. In history that  “the generation of lost ” born in 1960s in the U.S.A  who were thought to be useless to society , in 1990s most of them have grown to be elites of different fields and be beneficial to whole society. In the 1990s, America had got unprecedented long time economical progress and the whole country turned to be a safe and prosperous one .
History has proved that people have done a quite a good job on how to teach children to be useful to society ,and I am sure we’ll continue to prove that we can do that job quite well in the future.

paisleyUID: 64183

你的开头很新奇。不过我不知道这是好是坏。你的写法感觉那好象是篇argument一样，但是这是issue啊。另外，definitely这个太重，不要这样绝对吧？


举你邻居女儿的例子时，时态不统一

文章里语法错误很多，请你自己检查一下好吗？

你的前一部分论述的太多，而后一部分太少。这刚好有点本末倒置，你同意的本来该少花点笔墨写。不同意的才应该多多论述。而你的文章感觉就是匆匆而过，好象生怕写不好，就随便写了两笔。1960的那代，最适合的名称是“垮掉的一代，the beat generation”，但是用他们来做成功教育儿童的例子，感觉并不合适。一则他们不是儿童，二则这是有相当的文化社会背景的（建议此类美国人了熟于心我们却不是很了解背景的东西不要拿来做例子，容易弄巧成拙），三则这跟社会的教育好象没有特别明显的关系。


希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。如果觉得自己的英文还没有特比好，那么不一定要改他们的词句, 提点结构上和想法上的建议也是好的。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.

为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！

red98UID: 136466

我觉得这种开头不够好
看到ets的高分范文 开头不直接涉及题目 如This statement ....   The speaker asserts that....
而是自己写引子 做铺垫 或 改写题目

red98UID: 136466

第二点建议  学术化点 书写少用 省略的格式 比如 将  it’s , can’t 等改成 it is , cannot

tomatoeggsUID: 82073

red讲得对。分析得很好的。

brilliant77UID: 11224

开头是我从那个老外的280篇范文力模仿得吧，我也记不太清了，我的语法错误太多了？欧还是先看了几遍才发上来的，这可如何是好？
另外，实在水平有限，即使看了别人的作文，也不太敢评论，害怕把别人也教坏了，呵呵。不过以后试试吧，尽量提点好建议！