Annne的作文贴

luolnUID: 2689004

There is no more exaggeration on the significance of the pupil education which generates a basic influence on the cultivation of the younger school children. A argument has been discussed universally, which is whether the younger school children, aged five to ten, should be taught the art and music classes. Some people asserted(assert) that the school should not add more courses to increase children's studying burden, nevertheless, I ague(argue) that the artistic classes are quiet crucial for the children's growth.

  People, who contradict the statement of adding the artistic curriculum, maintain that the（去掉）students who just are(are just) in the age of five to ten have to(have had to，这样的话时态好一些)
learn too much(many) classes. In this way, they absolutely lack enough time to enjoy their happy childhood which is time to play and learn without any restrain. However, learning more classed does not refer（mean） that the younger children should learn overwhelmedly(overwhelmingly). They are just required to recognize more kinds of courses to broaden their horizon. As well as, a lot of fun can be gain (gained) during the study. The education authorities should carry out some measures to regular the curriculum perfectly. （learn class,搭配不当，have classes, take a course）

The art and music classes are beneficial to children's intellectual development and the forming of interests. The relative education research center proved that approximate 60 percentage of children(此处限定一下哪个阶段的children) who had a artistic education would accept the university education, which is double to the children who had not attended the(去掉) artistic classes.（此处本来该是个很好的例子，但是这个research给出得太笼统了，让人不能信服。可以具体化，比如a research from VOA or Reuters, 之类的，给出的数据也要具体化，children指的是哪个阶段的？artistic education 指的是什么？ Because arts and music would contribute a lot to the construction of aesthetic sense and creative capability（Because 是不能这样来引导句子的，看看because的用法吧，此句子可以改正为：Based on this research）. What's more, obtaining an artistic interest can assist people to release the stress from the daily work and study.


Briefly, the merits of teaching the art and music in the younger school students' curriculum overweight its shortcomings.
A proper quantity of the artistic classes is the guarantee of the high qualitied（qualified） education, and high qualitied education of the younger generation is the guarantee of a higher level of civilization.

1，文章错误较多，新托福没有了语法题，ETS就要从作文和口语当作来考语法，所以作文的语法实在重要，因为一眼就被看出来了。
2，相同的词汇要多找同义词来替换。
3，整篇文章感觉有点浮夸，没有例证到点子上，所以感觉题目没有展开好。对于art, education, civilization, 都是从大面上来说而没有落实到具体。
4，OG上给出的范文需要仔细研究一下。
指正不当之处多多包涵哈，我也是按照我对托福作文的思考来修改的。