ljl独立写作小组作业贴

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Younger school children(ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition tomath, science, history and language.

Compared to math, science and language which are considered as practical disciplines, art and music are always labeled by educators as something additional or dispensable. Indeed, you cannot expectan artist or musician to design a spacecraft or contribute to reducing unemployment rate. But considering the importance role art and music play in inspiring students and other significant long term benefits, I firmly believe that younger school children have to receive art and music education.

As we know, unlike these more practical disciplines established on complicated theories, art and music are based on emotion and feeling. In other words, by taking art and music class, young children could easily get their brain relaxed and just free their emotion. And that is why art and music classes are always welcome even by the kids lack these talents. What’s more, in turn, exposed to these glorious melodies and colorful images they can also be inspired, thus get good performance in their academic studies. Hence, art and music classes could serve as an intermission and be beneficial to student’s further study.

When we put art and music in a large picture, we could see that by learning art and music, students could shape their values which would contribute to their appropriate social behaviors in future. Definitely, art and music, widely regarded as the crystallization of our culture, could help children distinguish beauty and ugliness, appreciate the value of life and express their true feeling. When a young boy feels empathy with a piece of passionate melody, he begins to form a rough understanding of hope and devotion. When a girl tries to use different colors to depict the nature, she will realize how beautiful the world is and how lucky she is. Apparently, no one could deny that these positive effects formed in children’s early education would account for a significant role in their healthy development.

Actually, there are still a variety of other benefits. For instance, in art and music classes, some gifted children can be recognized and selected to promote their special talents. And some researches prove that by attending art and music classes, young kids can overcome some psychological barriers such as autism. From this point of view, the benefit is far in excess of what we expect.

llacatUID: 2628715

Compared to math, science and language which are considered as practical disciplines, art and music are always labeled by educators as something additional or dispensable. Indeed, you cannot expect an artist or musician to design a spacecraft or contribute to reducing unemployment rate. But considering the importance role art and music play in inspiring students and other significant long term benefits, I firmly believe that younger school children have to receive art and music education.
% e4 g' z9 S; O
As we know, unlike these more practical disciplines established on complicated theories, art and music are based on emotion and feeling. In other words, by taking art and music class, young children could easily get their brain relaxed and just free their emotion. And that is why art and music classes are always welcome even by the kids lack these talents. What’s more, in turn, exposed to these glorious melodies and colorful images they can also be inspired, thus get good performance in their academic studies. Hence, art and music classes could serve as an intermission and be beneficial to student’s further study.

When we put art and music in a large picture, we could see that by learning art and music, students could shape their values which would contribute to their appropriate social behaviors in future. Definitely, art and music, widely regarded as the crystallization of our culture, could help children distinguish beauty and ugliness, appreciate the value of life and express their true feeling. When a young boy feels empathy with a piece of passionate melody, he begins to form a rough understanding of hope and devotion. When a girl tries to use different colors to depict the nature, she will realize how beautiful the world is and how lucky she is. Apparently, no one could deny that these positive effects formed in children’s early education would account for a significant role in their healthy development.
我认为这段的例证语言写的很好，很值得借鉴学习！

Actually, there are still a variety of other benefits. For instance, in art and music classes, some gifted children can be recognized and selected to promote their special talents. And some researches prove that by attending art and music classes, young kids can overcome some psychological barriers such as autism. From this point of view, the benefit is far in excess of what we expect.

优点：1 语言方面（用词、句型）都很好，很值得学习
      2 结构层次方面，全文四段，从三个方面来论证“孩子应该学艺术”，分观点和各分观点下的例证都能支持住论点，层次感很明显。

不足：主要在写作的具体内容方面
1论证方法单一，三段论述都是用main pointexample的方式论述，显得整体内容有点呆板。建议LZ可以尝试多用几种论证方法，比如正话反说，引用调查数据等，这样可以使文章更饱满些。
2 三个分观点的叙述是从实到虚，并且在内容上有重复和交集。比如最后一段的there are still a variety of other benefits，other benefits让人看起来很模糊，可以把具体的benefits写出来，而不是通过后面的例子让读者自己归纳是哪些benefits. 另外，三段都是论述“学习艺术的好处”，在整体内容上也存在交集，是不是可以尝试把最后一段改成写“不学习艺术的弊端”，这样能让整体论述结构更完整。

第一次改作文，说的不对的地方请LZ和后来的TX用劲拍！共同学习进步~

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

Compared to math, science and language which are considered as practical disciplines, art and music are always labeled by educators as something additional or dispensable. Indeed, you cannot expect an artist or musician to design a spacecraft or contribute to reducing unemployment rate. But considering ?the importance role art and music play in inspiring students and other significant long term benefits, I firmly believe that younger school children have to receive art and music education.

As we know, unlike these more practical disciplines established on complicated theories, art and music are based on emotion and feeling. In other words, by taking art and music class, young children could easily get their brain relaxed and just free their emotion？觉得有点不顺，和前面句式并列. And that is why art and music classes are always welcome even by the kids lack these talents. What’s more, in turn, exposed to these glorious melodies and colorful images they can also be inspired, thus get good performance in their academic studies. Hence, art and music classes could serve as an intermission and be beneficial to student’s further study.
When we put art and music in a large picture, we could see that by learning art and music, students could shape their values which would contribute to their appropriate social behaviors in future. Definitely, art and music, widely regarded as the crystallization of our culture, could help children distinguish beauty and ugliness, appreciate the value of life and express their true feeling. When a young boy feels empathy with a piece of passionate melody, he begins to form a rough understanding of hope and devotion. When a girl tries to use different colors to depict the nature, she will realize how beautiful the world is and how lucky she is. Apparently, no one could deny that these positive effects formed in children’s early education would account for a significant role in their healthy development.
Actually, there are still a variety of other benefits. For instance, in art and music classes, some gifted children can be recognized and selected to promote their special talents. And some researches prove that by attending art and music classes, young kids can overcome some psychological barriers such as autism. From this point of view, the benefit is far in excess of what we expect.
LZ语言句子很值得学习，例子需要再充实些，不过整体很不错了，主要我的能力有限，希望大家互拍，共同进步！

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

哈哈 你们都比我速度快
学了很多！谢谢两位啦

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

9月2号
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should not take part-time jobs while they are studying in universities.

Although education is always expected to have some pragmatic functions such as bringing students job opportunity, or honing their practical skills, in fact, it turns to be very incompetent in these fields. But taking part-time jobs can serve to supplement the shortcoming of education. Besides that, there are still a variety of other benefits through taking part- time job. Therefore, I firmly believe that having a part-time during college time is both desirable and reasonable for most students.

To begin with, I have to eliminate an illusion that as a student, focusing on academic study and emphasis on work practice are mutually exclusive. Some people hold that since students’ priority is nothing but study, all of their energy and time have to be distributed to learning. However, they overlook a fact that in many cases, by attending practical projects students could combine the knowledge and theory they absorb from books and tutors to real environment. Without the process, their learning might still stay at the theoretical stage without a comprehensive and deep understanding bolstering. For instance, suppose a student with major in urban planning gets a part-time job in an urban planning company. Thus he could have plentiful opportunities to access these previous real cases which might provide him with detailed data and problems he cannot get in touch with from class. Meanwhile, he can put what he learnt and read into the real environment to test them. Obviously, by doing these he succeeds to convert his knowledge into ability. From this point of view, students can fully understand the theoretical knowledge while earning precious job experience.

What’s more, taking part-time job could partly relieve students’ financial pressure so they can distribute their limited budget with more flexibility. Maybe some people think such relief is insignificant. However, as a student, even a part-time job which could only offer 6 dollars an hour may do them a big favor. At least such salary could cover a large part of their daily expense and allow them to invest in their personal development like attending training class or pursuing computers or cars.

In addition, sometimes students don’t know how to choose their major until they could fully understand them by taking a part-time job. In other words, relative job experience, even part-time job experience, could help students determine whether they should choose the corresponding subject as their major. Obviously, with the awareness, they no longer have to take the risk of changing their major after realizing they are interested in some other subjects, rather than what they have learnt for a long time.

唉 又超时好几分钟

sunsuncyUID: 2849888

不好意思，学生会招新的事情忙翻了，马上给你改哈~
不过我真的水平一般，尽力吧！

sunsuncyUID: 2849888

Although education is always expected to have some pragmatic functions （我查了一下字典，可能pragmatic单独看意思很通顺，但是似乎这个词组放在一块儿解释为御用功能偏多）such as bringing students job opportunity, or honing their practical skills（honing这是什么？）, in fact, it turns to be very incompetent in these fields. But taking part-time jobs can serve to supplement the shortcoming of education. Besides that, there are still a variety of other benefits through taking part- time job(jobs). Therefore, I firmly believe that having a part-time during college time is both desirable and reasonable for most students.(首句的逻辑是不是有点奇怪？)

To begin with, I have to eliminate an illusion that as a student, focusing on academic study and emphasis(ing) on work practice(这个词学习~) are mutually exclusive(好!). Some people hold that since students’ priority is nothing but study, all of their energy and time have to be distributed to learning. However, they overlook a fact that in many cases, by attending practical projects students could combine the knowledge and theory they absorb from books and tutors to real environment(combine to?好像不是这么用的吧). Without the process, their learning might still stay at the theoretical stage without a comprehensive and deep understanding bolstering(好). For instance, suppose a student with major in urban planning gets a part-time job in an urban planning company. Thus he could have plentiful opportunities to access these previous real cases which might provide him with detailed data and problems he cannot get in touch with from class. Meanwhile, he can put what he learnt and read into the real environment to test them. Obviously, by doing these he succeeds to convert his knowledge into ability. From this point of view, students can fully understand the theoretical knowledge while earning precious job experience.

What’s more, taking part-time job could partly relieve students’ financial pressure so they can distribute their limited budget with more flexibility(学习!). Maybe some people think(句式可以多样化点) such relief is insignificant. However, as a student, even a part-time job which could only offer 6 dollars an hour may do(does) them a big favor. At least such salary could cover a large part of their daily expense and allow them to invest in their personal development like attending training class or pursuing computers or cars.

In addition, sometimes students don’t know how to choose their major until they could fully understand them by taking a part-time job. In other words, relative job experience, even part-time job experience, could help students determine whether they should choose the corresponding subject as their major. Obviously, with the awareness, they no longer have to take the risk of changing their major after realizing they are interested in some other subjects, rather than what they have learnt for a long time. –

逻辑很清晰,将taking part-time jobs的有点分成三层说的很透彻。语句相当流畅、通顺，用词也精准。我的观点：第一个观点篇幅是否有点太长？ 例证是否应该虚实结合？并且最后是不是应该有个总结段？句式的多样性可以加以锤炼。
我觉得限时作文这样已经很不错了，向你学习~

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

09.08.01NA  Doyou agree or disagree with the following statement? If you do not make sure other people (especially influential people or your employers) know about your strengths and accomplishments, you will never get successful in life

Nowadays, fair competition has been regarded as a basic rule upon which anyone with faith and talent can rise up from the gutter and become one of the most successful persons in the country. But when considering another fact that today the world has evolved into a seamless web in which people has largely relied on the interpersonal relationships with other people, many people tend to believe that without strengths and accomplishments being acknowledged by these influential people, one can never be successful. Careful examination failsto bear out the claim and I would like to assess it case by case.

Indeed, an increasing number of people have been equippedwith social skills such as getting touch with key man, catching the eye of important figures and so on. Obviously, in many cases, especially in business fields, such skills play a significant role in bolstering their ambition toward success and bring some precious and critical opportunities for them. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context. Suppose a young entrepreneur wants to carry out his business plan. But without sufficient financial support, he cannot make any progress. In this case, whether he could obtain his goal largely depends on his social ability, ability that allows him to sell his plan to these potential investors. Obviously, no one would like to take the risk of wasting his money on someone incompetent. In other words, only if he is able to build his personal credit by revealing his strength and talents to these influential people could he gain the critical support, and thereby contribute to his individual success. From this point of view, it is critical to make sure other people know about your strengths and achievements.

But it doesn’t always the case since sometimes excessive socialactivities and ‘showing off’ would drain our energy and confidence, even make other people suspect our real talent. As we know, when it comes to science and art, personal effort should account for a large proportion in contributing to any work.Without paying sweat and time, no one could expect any breakthrough if only relying on catering to their team leaders or showing off. It is evident that such behaviors would consume a large sum of time and effort, while not beneficialto any actual results. In contrast, receiving appreciation becomes the natural result of their outstanding talents and accomplishments. These scientists and elites who received Nobel laurel are best known as their great accomplishmentsand serious working attitude rather than their social abilities. Even withoutsuch abilities, their incredible works are still able to guarantee their success. What’s more, in a field where solid work is the priority, over-expressionin the social cycle would be regarded as improper behavior to some extent. And respect cannot be gained if people merely focus on catching other people’s eye.

In sum, I concede that revealing personal abilities to influential is of great importance to business people and other profession severely relying on social relationships. But its importance in fields such as art and science is far less and absence of these social skills does not necessary mean they cannot get success.

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

悲痛的又超时了

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

#sunsuncy 你很强的！谢谢批改阿！

首段逻辑是 大家觉得教育应该解决工作问题 但很可惜教育在这方面有点乏力 所以不少学生求诸于part-time 从这个角度当然是有好处的 等于弥补教育的不足 再加上其他的benefit 所以观点是赞同

pragmatic function 我应该用practical function 谢谢提醒阿！
honing 其实是 hone 磨练的意思
emphasis是名词 所以可以那么放
查了一下 你说的对！应该是combine with
唉 没有最后总结段是因为已经超时几分钟了。。。。看来我在例证上还要多加强

sunsuncyUID: 2849888

你这么一说我理解了第一段了。
hone practical skills  ！这个词组我要学习！

lizhengjiangUID: 2619543

已改。。很有分量的作文了。。呵呵
欢迎回改。。 多谢
8# llljjjlll

fd笑笑UID: 2791669

8# llljjjlll
Nowadays, fair competition has been regarded as a basic rule upon which anyone with faith and talent can rise up from the gutter and become one of the most successful persons in the country. But when considering another fact that today the world has evolved into a seamless web in which people has largely relied on the interpersonal relationships with other people, many people tend to believe that without strengths and accomplishments being acknowledged by these influential people, one can never be successful. Careful examination failsto bear out the claim and I would like to assess it case by case.& G2 a% D. n" _# j8 H- j
' _) O; S6 ~% T0 m$ \5 Q8 E- i
Indeed, an increasing number of people have been equippedwith social skills such as getting touch with key man, catching the eye(s) of important figures and so on. Obviously, in many cases, especially in business fields, such skills play a significant role in bolstering their ambition toward success and bring some precious and critical opportunities for them. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context. Suppose a young entrepreneur wants to carry out his business plan. But without sufficient financial support, he cannot make any progress. In this case, whether he could obtain his goal largely depends on his social ability, ability that allows him to sell his plan to these potential investors. Obviously, no one would like to take the risk of wasting his money on someone incompetent. In other words, only if he is able to build his personal credit by revealing his strength and talents to these influential people could he gain the critical support, and thereby contribute to his individual success. From this point of view, it is critical to make sure other people know about your strengths and achievements.- w# \1 k$ Y  B3 v

7 K; u' N  b3 r7 g1 ]But it doesn’t always the case since sometimes excessive socialactivities and ‘showing off’ would drain our energy and confidence, even make other people suspect our real talent. As we know, when it comes to science and art, personal effort should account for a large proportion in contributing to any work.Without paying sweat and time, no one could expect any breakthrough if only relying on catering to their team leaders or showing off. It is evident that such behaviors would consume a large sum of time and effort, while not beneficialto any actual results. In contrast, receiving appreciation becomes the natural result of their outstanding talents and accomplishments. These scientists and elites who received Nobel laurel are best known as their great accomplishmentsand serious working attitude rather than their social abilities. Even withoutsuch abilities, their incredible works are still able to guarantee their success. What’s more, in a field where solid work is the priority, over-expressionin the social cycle would be regarded as improper behavior to some extent. And respect cannot be gained if people merely focus on catching other people’s eye.
/ F3 u$ D9 T! I5 c3 Q( t/ q1 {- p. \

  o2 ?2 M8 \: j9 B5 [$ k, UIn sum, I concede that revealing personal abilities to influential is of great importance to business people and other profession severely relying on social relationships. But its importance in fields such as art and science is far less and absence of these social skills does not necessary mean they cannot get success.
我个人觉得你写的有一点偏题，别人知道你的成就不等于人际关系or social ability.
你的用词用句和论证都很好很充分。学习学习！
我的水品有限，还请见谅！

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

2009.8.7 Parents help determined thefuture of their children or allow children to make their own choices.

Many parents are likely to enlarge their role as a supervisor and tutor of their children. Some of them believe that their extensive experience and comprehensive understanding of the world enable them to put their children’s future under their control. But such claim sounds ridiculous when its disadvantages are considered. Therefore, I believe that in many cases parents should allow children to make their own choices.

Definitely, no one could deny that adults’ perspective is far more profound than that of children. The thinking of children,smart and special as it may be, pales by comparison with that of a senior who is far more experienced and knowledgeable than the former. Obviously, few children could establish a well-rounded understanding of their work environment and possible suffering before they graduate from university and enter the society. Consequently,when making appropriate judgment requires rich life experiences and deep understanding of corresponding fields, it is reasonable that parents offer constructive and critical advices to their children. For instance, parents could inform their children how to deal with the interpersonal relationship with their team members and how to appreciate others’ achievements.

However, giving comments or advices is unequal to determining the future of their children. Actually, when it comes to making decision for the children, no one could match themselves, even their parents. As we know, our self-awareness generates in very early stage. In other words,when we were still little boys or girls, many of us were already aware of what we were interested in and what kind of talent we were gifted. Moreover, this self-awareness would get enhanced as we grow up and absorb a variety of information. On the other hands, no one could know our weak point more than ourselves. Based on these two reasons, I think it is totally reasonable that when children are old enough, like in their high school, they are already able to make decision for themselves. And parents should leave such right to their children,rather than still grasp it. If we are forced to choose a vocation which we hateor show indifferent attitude about, I bet it is impossible to make any significant progress in that field.

In addition, parents have to concede a fact that due to the amazing development of modern society, their understanding is probably no longer sufficient to make sophisticating decision for their children’s future. In contrary, young people may be more familiar with certain fields. Let’s bring our discussion here to a more present and practical context. Nowadays many young students could be considered as expert in internet while their parents are still sluggish. So if the young generation wants to consider internet as their career, their parents can hardly give any valuable comments, no mention to making decision.

In summary, in many cases, it is necessary that parents have to allow their children to determine their own future.
又烂尾了