tracyqian's 写作-9月独立写作小组

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

09.05.30NA  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language.
Art and music are an excellent way to express emotion and can relax our mind and consciousness. However, the science classes are also very important and the combination of the two is necessary and beneficial.
In the first place, the school that requires many younger children to learn art and music offer more thoughtful and culture. The art and music can give children a different of set of eyes. Both common sense and personal experience have the reason for this is simple. The art and music is able to help children to understand many new things and learn more other cultures. It is a better way to communicate with each other. Thus, it is apparent that children study art and music can take them to diverse life.
Stating the importance of art classes does not mean we can overlook the importance of science classes, in the contrary, the science classes, such as math, science, history, and so on, are also very important. If Children take classes in many different subjects, they will receive a well round education and express emotions. The parents will be also have the opportunity to find out what their children interest of areas and how to teach their children in the future.
However, learning art and music are able to relax our spirit. When children have finished learning science and solving math problems, they go on listening to music and perhaps they feel very good. It is that much more benefit. Also, younger school children learn art and science classes will are able to gain a broader knowledge base and their versatility will allow them to have a wide range of education areas. We should consider the overall situation, and therefore, I tend to concede that when it comes to some certain circumstances it is partially appropriate. Thus,the most striking conclusion is obvious.
In sum, the answer to the question of whether take classes in many subjects are better depends on the children’s interests and goals. We should balance two factors, because it is possible that there are able to change things more interesting. At the same time, learning art and science can provide more opportunity to understand world and this might then have positive effect on their educational progress in general.

llacatUID: 2628715

改好啦

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

2# llacat x
谢谢！你修改的很到位

llljjjlllUID: 2745282

09.05.30NA  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, science, history and language.
Art and music are an excellent way to express emotion and can relax our mind and consciousness. However, the science classes are also very important and [这里另起一句 改成 Therefore 语气会顺些]the combination of the two is necessary and beneficial.
In the first place, the school that requires many younger children to learn art and music offers more thoughtful [thoughtful?是不是应该是个名词？]and culture. The [这里不用the]art and music can give children a different ofset of eyes[用let children see with different eyes 会清楚点]. Both common sense and personal experience have the reason for this is simple[这句不太明白 语法有问题]. The[不用the 同上] art and music is able to help children to understand many new things and learn more other cultures. It is a better[这里不用better吧 好像没有写出和什么比较] way to communicate with each other. Thus, it is apparent that children study art and music[应该是studying art and music can help children ...] can take them to diverse life.
Stating the importance of art classes does not mean we can overlook the importance of science classes, in the contrary, the science classes, such as math, science, history, and so on, are also very important. If Children take classes in many different subjects, they will receive a well round [well rounded?]education and express emotions. The parents will be [拿掉be]also have the opportunity to find out what their children interest of areas [which areas their children interest]and how to teach their children in the future. 3 m4 J, |5 M, k5 ^  o! V
However, learning art and music are able to relax our spirit. When children have finished learning science and solving math problems, they go on listening to music and perhaps they feel very good[改成listening to music can let them feel good会顺些]. It is that much more benefit[这句放这有点怪]. Also,  younger school children learn art and science classes[这个不能当主语 同上]will are [be]able to gain a broader knowledge base and their versatility will allow them to have a wide range of education areas. We should consider the overall situation, and therefore, I tend to concede [But When considering the overall situation, I concede that更顺些]that when it comes to some certain circumstances it is partially appropriate. Thus,the most striking conclusion is obvious.
In sum, the answer to the question of whether take classes in many subjects are better depends on the children’s interests and goals.[好像前面并没有论据支撑这句话 有点突然] We should balance two factors, because it is possible that there are able to change things more interesting. At the same time, learning art and science can provide more opportunity to understand world and this might then have [直接改成 put 意思清楚些] positive effect on their educational progress in general.

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观点意思都挺清楚 但表达问题比较多 有点部分影响阅读 这方面要注意
整体结构稍微有点散 可以尝试先写几大段的首句当该段提纲 三段提纲能彼此联系后再进行展开
俺水平有限 也只能讲这些了 加了个油！

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

09.06.12NA   Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should not take part-time jobs while they are studying in universities.! Ai
I fundamentally disagree with the speaker that student should not take part-time jobs so that they do not spend much more time on it and do not focus on studying.  Arriving at this conclusion, there are a number of reasons why I think taking part-time jobs would be a better and important way.
Taking part-time jobs can provide valuable practical experience in the future jobs and help students strengthen their resumes. As we all know, in the United States the jobless rate is very high and higher education becomes a more accessible commodity. If you have part-time jobs experience, such as your jobs experiences relate to computer technology and familiarize knowledge of this field. Perhaps in the competitive job market you should have many more choices to find better work in computer areas.
What’s more, part- time jobs can build students confidence and help them to feel success. In nowadays, when you take a part-time job, you maybe make a mistake and this will teach you valuable lessons that you will be sure remember in the future so that it can build confidence to solve this problem. Some students always embarrass to take a presentation. Through taking part-time jobs, they will able to change more confidence and not shy. Thus, a part-time job is a first step on the road towards a career in the future.
Finally, if students cannot take part-time jobs, they will not more understand the theories they have learned in school. For example, theory lessons, such as chemistry, physics, biology and so on, are an abstract and difficult subject. When students take part-time job in relation research lab, they might discover how important studying theories are for solving many problems and creating many new things.  If they do not take part-time job, they might work hard to study this class in the future.
In conclusion, we should take part-time jobs while they are students. It is can obtain to more choices, and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market.

风起云落UID: 2833888

I fundamentally disagree with the speaker that student should not take part-time jobs so that they do not spend much more time on it and do not focus on studying.【好纠结的句子……我觉得你不用刻意写这么长，而且你的句子只是并列，没有层次，应该也起不到你要的效果……】
Arriving【改成To arrive】 at this conclusion, there are a number of reasons why I think taking part-time jobs would be a better and important way.

Taking part-time jobs can provide valuable practical experience in【改成for】
the future jobs and help students strengthen their resumes. As we all know, in the United States the jobless rate is very high and higher education becomes a more accessible commodity.【commodity何解？】 If you have part-time jobs experience, such as your jobs experiences relate to computer technology and familiarize【related】 knowledge of this field.【不应该句号】 Perhaps in the competitive job market you should【用could】 have many more choices to find better work in computer areas." ~0
q% g  p1 v/ E
What’s more, part- time jobs can build students confidence and help them to feel success. In nowadays【改成Nowadays】, when you take a part-time job, you maybe make a mistake and this will teach you valuable lessons that you will be sure【改成surely】 remember in the future so that it can build confidence【for you】
to solve this problem. 【加个For example吧……要不有点莫名其妙的……】Some students always embarrass【这个词是使尴尬的意思，应该用被动】 to take a presentation. Through taking part-time jobs, they will【be】able to change【改成be】
more confidence【这是名词，用confident】 and not shy. Thus, a part-time job is a first step on the road towards a career in the future., c0
S/ I' t3 F& o. q$ [" h6 t
Finally, if students cannot take part-time jobs, they will not more【they will be not so better】
understand the theories they have learned in school【at school】. For example, theory lessons, such as chemistry, physics, biology and so on, are an abstract and difficult subject. When students take part-time job in relation research lab, they might discover how important studying【可以删掉】 theories are for solving many【删】
problems and creating many【删】new things.  If they do not take part-time job, they might work hard to study this class in the future.

In conclusion, we should take part-time jobs while they are students【we？they？】. It is can 【It can help us】obtain to more choices, and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market.

首先，作为学生物的可怜孩子，我觉得进实验室是不属于part-time job的，因为本科生没有钱拿，boss也不爱搭理你>.<

其次，感觉你的问题在于，很多单词的意思掌握的并不是很清楚，用的地方并不适当，比如那个“change more confident”，也许是因为时间紧没有斟酌吧。还有，也是有一点中文书写习惯的痕迹，写作文不要直译哈……

角度不错，我就想不到这么写。结构也很工整~
总之，加油哈\(^o^)/~

littleecho33UID: 2876349

09.06.12NA   Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should not take part-time jobs while they are studying in universities.! Ai 0 B# |5 c1 y& K- M1 t% T, w
I fundamentally disagree with the speaker that student should not take part-time jobs so that（so that读不懂 改成for the reason that）they do not spend much more time on it and do not focus on studying.  Arriving at this conclusion, there are a number of reasons why I think taking part-time jobs would be a better and important way. (yet personally, I raise a number of standpoints that students can benefit from taking part-time jobs.)G* M;() b0 t# N$ K' _/ |
(first and foremost), taking part-time jobs can provide valuable practical experience in the future jobs and help students strengthen their resumes. As we all know, the jobless rate is very high and higher education becomes a more accessible commodity (in the United States). If you have part-time jobs experience, such as （some） experiences relate to computer technology and familiarize knowledge of this field. Perhaps in the competitive job market you should (could) have many more choices to find better work in computer areas.
What’s more, part- time jobs can build students confidence and help them to feel success. In nowadays(不需in), when you take a part-time job, you maybe (are likely to )make mistake(s) and this will teach you valuable lessons for the future. so that it can build confidence to solve this problem.( don’t you think it is an imperative way to build self-confidence?) Some students always embarrass to take a presentation. Through taking part-time jobs (through these experience), they will able to change more confidence and not shy. Thus, a part-time job is a first step on the road towards a career in the future.! b- w  o& Y; p# C9 t2 O
Finally, if students cannot take part-time jobs, they will not more understand the theories they have learned in school.(creative point!) For example, theory lessons, such as chemistry, physics, biology and so on(forth), are abstract and difficult subject(s). When students take part-time job in relation research lab, they might discover how important studying theories are for solving many problems and creating many new things.  If they do not take part-time job, they might work hard (er) to study this class in the future.
In conclusion, we should take part-time jobs while they(we) are students. It can (help to)obtain to more choices, and more opportunities for advancement in an increasingly competitive job market.

1 句式过于复杂 又是读起来特别难理解 比如开篇 Arriving at this conclusion后面。
2 the third point is spectacular!
3 the construction of this writing is overt and clear.

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

2009.9 25NA do you agree or disagree: having jobs with low paying salary and being high secure is better than jobs with high salary but being easy to lost.7 J6
There is much discussion over low salary and high salary. One of the questions under debate is whether jobs with low salary and high secure is better than that with high salary but having easy to lost. As for me, I should take into account the job with low-paying and great secure. There are several reasons for following.
First of all, the high salary should provide our future family and us with financial security. It is able to afford the necessities of life. However, it is possible that the job has high salary and being easy to lose, or with long-working hours. It must be notes that even if the high salary is very important for us, but it may inevitably bring about many problems. For example, people have good job with high salary, it is mean that their family times become a rare occurrence or the job is more dangerous. I believe that my family and friends are the most important things in my life. An investigation shows that many people think that jobs with greater personal time without hesitation and high secure will bring people in the high mental working. Nothing, they maintains, is more essential than jobs with high secure.
What’s more, many people claim that along with the rapidly economic development, the jobs with high salary are necessary in an increasingly competitive job market. But these days, people in growing number are beginning to complain that work is more stressful and leisurely than in past. At the same time, it is widely acknowledge that computer and other machines have become an indispensable part of our society, which make our life and work more comfortable, and they must study knowledge involved in such computer technology. Consequently, jobs with low salary and high secure may be have much more time to study knowledge and absorb new things so that they obtain more choices and more opportunities to find jobs which you interested in and make many friends, we can derive more pleasure.
From what has been discussed above, it would be reasonable to believe that many other factors such as family, friends and studies play far more important role than the high salary in people’s life and economic growth.

zsy2912371UID: 2852365

There is much discussion over low salary and high salary. One of the questions under debate is whether jobs with low salary and high secure is better than that (those) with high salary but having (being) easy to lost. As for me, I should take into account the job with low-paying and great secure. There are several reasons for (as) following.
First of all, the high salary should provide our future family and us with financial security. It is able to afford (provide us) the necessities of life. However, it is possible that the job has(with) high salary and being easy to lose, or with long-working hours. It must be notes(notice?) that even if the high salary is very important for us, but(不要) it may inevitably bring about many problems. For example, people have good job with high salary, it is mean （means）that their family times become a rare occurrence or the job is more dangerous. I believe that my family and friends are the most important things in my life. An investigation shows that many people think that jobs with greater personal time without hesitation and high secure will bring people in the high mental working. Nothing, they maintains, is more essential than jobs with high secure
What’s more, many people claim that along with the rapidly（rapid） economic development, the jobs with high salary are necessary in an increasingly competitive job market. But these days, people in growing number are beginning to complain that work is more stressful and leisurely (leisure)than in past. At the same time, it is widely acknowledge that computer and other machines have become an indispensable part of our society, which make our life and work more comfortable, and they must study knowledge involved in such computer technology. Consequently, jobs with low salary and high secure may be have much more time to study knowledge and absorb new things so that they obtain more choices and more opportunities to find jobs which you interested in and make many friends, we can derive more pleasure.
From what has been discussed above, it would be reasonable to believe that many other factors such as family, friends and studies play far more important role than the high salary in people’s life and economic growth.

总体说，思路还是不错的，通过2组对比来说明自己的观点
再者，举例论证的方法运用的非常得当，值得借鉴
不足之处在于语法错误有点多，可能是时间仓促的关系吧？

tracyqian17UID: 2768321

9月16日
2009. 10. 17 NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and televisions should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished.
The problem of movies and television has caused wide public concern over the recent years. One of the questions under debate is whether good people are rewarded and bad people are punished by movies and television. As for me, I am fundamentally disagree this opinion for the following reasons.
First of all, movies and television have a role in our lives as source of information, experience, entertainment, amusement and relaxation, but many people fail to see this fact. It is indisputable that television can help us to understand what is important and what is not important. Television and movies, by offering many topics in which we discuss after working and studying, have strong influence our daily life and put us in a favorable position. We do not consider that how to punish or reward the bad or good person. Most important of all, we are able to talk about Avatar has bring a magical world and 3D science-fiction adventure.
What is more, we can point the conversation at people who are rewarded or punished by other ways, such as commendation meeting. Proper measures must bring about profound impacts on the society as whole. At the same time, it is essential to define which is bad and which is good. For example, Michael Jackson was an American recording artist, entertainer, and philanthropist, if he has be punished by television because his scandal, he is not recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time.
From what has been discussed above, it is noted that some aspects must discuss by media. Take the embezzlement for example, we cannot fail to see is that embezzlement may bring about a disastrous impact on our society. This issue has caused wide public concern. We must punish those people who use their rights to do hampering the development of economic through television or other medias. Therefore, in view of the seriousness of this problem, effective measures should be taken before things get worse.
In conclusion, we must take into account which situations need to discuss by movies and television and place more emphasis on our mental lives.

teresaliqUID: 2371296

The problem of movies and television has caused wide public concern over the recent years. One of the questions under debate is whether good people are rewarded and bad people are punished by movies and television. As for me, I am fundamentally disagree this opinion for the following reasons. 8 O' l) D9 U/ _$ b0 G, E
First of all, movies and television have a role(place an important role) in our lives as source of information, experience, entertainment, amusement and relaxation, but many people fail to see this fact. It is indisputable that television can help us to understand what is important and what is not important. Television and movies, by offering many topics in which we discuss after working and studying, have strong influence our daily life and put us in a favorable position. We do not consider that how to punish or reward the bad or good person. Most important of all, we are able to talk about Avatar( +which) has bring a magical world and 3D science-fiction adventure. What is more, we can point the conversation at people who are rewarded or punished by other ways,（这句话要表达什么意思呢？） such as commendation meeting. Proper measures must bring about profound impacts on the society as whole. At the same time, it is essential to define which is bad and which is good. For example, Michael Jackson was an American recording artist, entertainer, and philanthropist, if he has be punished by television because his scandal, he is not recognized as the most successful entertainer of all time.
From what has been discussed above, it is noted that some aspects must discuss(must be discussed) by media. Take the embezzlement for example, we cannot fail to see is(去掉is) that embezzlement may bring about a disastrous impact on our society. This issue has caused wide public concern. We must punish those people who use their rights to do hampering the development of economic through television or other medias. Therefore, in view of the seriousness of this problem, effective measures should be taken before things get worse.; B- x: x, Q' I5 _! y
In conclusion, we must take into account which situations need to discuss by movies and television and place more emphasis on our mental lives.

前部分论证合理充分，但是后半部分开始有一些偏题了，倒数第二段最后一句没有扣上题目，最后一段是完全跑题了。










记得也帮我改改哦，呵呵！