tp8 17308001 9.16

17308001UID: 2737541

young people should try several different job before they they take a career in a long term


It is generally acknowledged that experience is an indispensable part for a person to make his or her career, I fundamentally agree that taking several jobs to gain enough experience is essential for a young person who wants to make his own career, However many other factors like perseverance, intelligence as well as opportunity is rarely less significant.

Initially, more jobs usually mean more experience and knowledge, which is beneficial for the success of the later career. As is always the case, a person who succeed in making his career must be knowledgeable, rich in all kinds of experience including interpersonal skills, being familiar the rules and the needs of markets. All of the experience can be achieved or strengthened by taking part in more jobs.

Nevertheless, It is too hasty to conclude that every young person should try several jobs before taking their career, as more experience of jobs usually means more time wasted. As a young person we need to try takind jobs to become more socialized and gain necessary surviving skills, however it never equals that we should try as many jobs as possible or everyone should take several jobs before creating his career. There really exist such kind of person who are intelligent enough to just take one job and make it as his career. For example, my tutor who is very smart and know clearly what he really want,
set his mind to go on research in his later life, so he studied very hard till he got his PHD and finally become a teacher who put all his heart on research.


Ultimately, I hold that the most profound is thinking about what you really want to do and which kind of experience should you get as well as how to gain that experience. There are lots of methods for you to gian experience, just take the most effective method. For example if you want to go abroad to go on further study then your research experience and your english level are the leading factors, so there is no need for you to try several jbs.

For my part,
diferent people may want to have quite different careers. What we should do is to think about what you really want to do and how to do it. Experience is significant for your career but gaining experience through trying several jobs is not always a good choice.

mint1412UID: 2545153

young people should try several different job before they take a career in a long term

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It is generally acknowledged that experience is an indispensable part for a person to make his or her career, I fundamentally agree that taking several jobs to gain enough experience is essential for a young person who wants to make his own career, However many other factors like perseverance, intelligence as well as opportunity is rarely less significant.$ j+ q7 H+ r$ t+ {
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Initially, more jobs usually mean more experience and knowledge, which is beneficial for the success of the later career. As is always the case, a person who succeeds in making his career must be knowledgeable, rich in all kinds of experience including interpersonal skills, being familiar the rules and the needs of markets. All of the experience can be achieved or strengthened by taking part in more jobs. * y! N* C6 U+ W4 T' c( `
Nevertheless, It is too hasty to conclude that every young person should try several jobs before taking their career, as more experience of jobs usually means more time being wasted. As a young person we need to try different kinds of jobs to become more socialized and gain necessary surviving skills, however it never equals that we should try as many jobs as possible or everyone should take several jobs before creating his career. There really exist some persons who are intelligent enough to just take one job and make it as his career. For example, my tutor who is very smart and knows clearly what he really want, set his mind to go on research in his later life, so he studied very hard till he got his PHD and finally become a teacher who put all his heart on research.
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Ultimately, I hold that the most profound is to think about what you really want to do and which kind of experience you should get as well as how to gain that experience. There are lots of methods for you to gain experience, just take the most effective method. For example if you want to go abroad to go on further study then your research experience and your english level are the leading factors, so there is no need for you to try several jobs.

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For my part, different people may want to have quite different careers. What we should do is to think about what you really want to do and how to do it. Experience is significant for your career but gaining experience through trying several jobs is not always a good choice.


感觉有些句子读着拗口，但是都貌似没有语法错误。几个段句子加逗号组成的长句很多。第一段里面disagree的语气稍显委婉，many other factors are important does not mean getting several jobs before long term career is not the essential factor....

ps:不好意思我没有上传附件的权限，所以只能黏贴，word上面的直接黏贴上了有点乱码，还没有保留原来的修改处红字，我后来添加的

S酱UID: 2883188

It is generally acknowledged that experience is an indispensable part for a person to make his or her career, I fundamentally agree（不错 ）that taking several jobs to gain enough experience is essential for a young person who wants to make his own career, However many other factors like perseverance, intelligence as well as opportunity is rarely less significant.

Initially, more jobs usually mean more experience and knowledge, which is beneficial for the success of the later career. As is always the case（不错 ）, a person who succeed in making his career must be knowledgeable, rich in all kinds of experience including interpersonal skills, being（这个可以去掉，因为前面rich什么的都是形容词一致省略be动词就行了） familiar（with） the rules and the needs of markets. All of the experience can be achieved or strengthened by taking part in more jobs. （个人觉得第一段让步的结尾需要个承上启下的句子，不然觉得是单独支持另一方观点了，这样显得和其他部分联系不够，最好在这里就说但是兼职多了也有坏处，然后下一段开始具体论述）

Nevertheless, It is too hasty to conclude that every young person should try several jobs before taking their career, as more experience of jobs usually means more time wasted. As a young person we need to try takind(?) jobs to become more socialized and gain necessary surviving skills（这个貌似特指野外求生或者自救那种的，虽然我理解你想表达的什么意思，不然看看有别的专门的词汇没有） , however it never equals that we should try as many jobs as possible or everyone should take several jobs before creating his career. There really exist such kind of person who are intelligent enough to just take one job and make it as his career. For example, my tutor who is very smart and know clearly what he really want, （逗号貌似不用加）set his mind to go on research in his later life, so he studied very hard till he got his PHD and finally become a teacher who put all his heart on（into，已google） research.


Ultimately, I hold that the most profound （语法错误，这个地方缺个名词做宾语\主语）is thinking about what you really want to do and which kind of experience should you get as well as how to gain that experience. There are lots of methods for you to gian（gain） experience, （此处的省略显得突兀，和there are 逻辑连接不上，不然至少加个but之类，或者建议不省略）just take the most effective method. For example if you want to go abroad to go on further study （建议添加逗号）then your research experience and your english level are the leading factors, so there is no need for you to try several jobs.（论据不太赞同…因为工作经历对申请很重要…那么多学校网站上都写要工作经验的…）

different people may want to have quite different careers. What we should do is to think about what you really want to do and how to do it. Experience is significant for your career but gaining experience through trying several jobs is not always a good choice.


用词有点单一，different career gain这种词可以多想几个别的换着用
句式还比较丰富，但是觉得句子节奏需要进一步优化，就是有的句子太长，或者缺乏逗号，没有适当的停顿