求拍~~~~~~~郑重求拍

奕彤UID: 2789592

30min 无修改 非牛人 知道例子举得不好，但鉴于反映真实水平
虔诚求拍，谢谢了~
Barron model test 7
You are planning to study abroad. What do you think you will like an dislike about this experience? Why?
   It has been a controversial issue nowadays that if it is suitable for a student to study abroad. While in my opinion, facing the tough tasks or culture difference is a must-be step to cross. Since i have been planned to go abroad to study for such a long time, these questions have been taken into my consideration which would be listed below.
   To begin with the merits of abroad-study, I can't help but ask, why so many parents would like to send their children far away from them to learn the skills which are supposed to be taught in their on country? The answer is the study-environment abroad is better than the one at home. Regardless of the advanced equippments or high-technonlogy , the prestigeous teachers and efficicent methods have the glamorous lights of their own, not to say the study aura created by the spectaclar students from all over the world.
   Expect the above, the true legend of the overbroad students' success convinces the parents to do so. Like the president of the Yahoo China ZhangChaoyang or the founder of Alibaba network MaYun, going aboard can extend the outlook of the students, which is essential to their future development.
    On the other hand, the danger behind this is also too serious to ignore. Many parents send their children abroad when they're very little, too young for the kids to completely take care of themselves. If they unfortunately meet some “bad" people, then their future might be jinxed. Meanwhile, even if they go through this without going down, the culture gap may also cause some unpredictable problems which cut their hearts like knives. In the future days, even the wound recover, the scar will remind them like nightmares, which means the phycology problems might be remianed.
     All in all, the oversea study is like a double edged sword. In promoting the development of the skills of the students, i tend to agree this. But the neglect effects must be seen as the long-lasting alert.

lh128UID: 2459358

语法上，语法问题时常出现，部分错误影响理解（如果我以中国人的语法思路都难以理解，那老外可能更无法理解）。词汇搭配的问题，还有Run-on sentence是主要问题。当然还有些话写得啰嗦。

run-on sentence出现了很多
Many parents send their children abroad when they're very little, too young for the kids to completely take care of themselves.
之类的，不影响阅读，但是有语法错误。这是两句甚至n句话，要分开说，要用句号。

语法的啰嗦上：
比如why so many parents would like to send their children far away from them to learn the skills which are supposed to be taught in their on country
就是重复的表达far away和from them。要么是far from them，要么是far away。还有skills那里，直接是skills available at home就可以了，用定语从句太啰嗦了

词汇的选择和搭配的问题：
倒数第二段有很多奇怪的说法，the danger behind this, their future might be jinxed, cut their heart like kinves， the scar will remind them like nightmares，都是很不通顺的说法，不是常见的表达方式，都有更贴切的词汇或者句式。尤其是jinxed那个词，你真的知道这个词是什么意思吗？
还有第一段的must-be step to cross，这个must-be我查了n本字典都没有。请务必使用unavoidable，inevitable, inescapable这些词，这也能体现词汇水平（而不是使用jinx这种你不理解意思的怪词——只有Harry Potter里面能出现jinx）。

所以我的建议是：用法要简洁，如果有的简单说法，少用从句，这样避免犯语法错误。语法要加强，多看。词汇上，不熟悉的词不要用，不要生造词汇，要使用正确的词。如果想不出词来，去查Treasurus，Webster或者Moby的Tresaurus网上都有。我觉得你的单词使用有些问题，词汇会背是一方面，理解它在英文中确切的意思、它的表达程度、褒贬含义、语气深浅、习惯搭配等，也非常重要。而这些只有多看多理解了。

文章的结构总体比较好，如果不考虑题目的话。不过有个小问题，What do you think you will like and dislike about this experience?这是题目，但是文章更像是“Why parents send their children aboard?”。所以有跑题的嫌疑。你看Barron的范文，第一段讲what I will like， 第二段讲what I will dislike，第三段总结。你要知道题目问的是“What YOU will like”，不是“What people will like”。