天天写作帖byGrandyang—daily writing

grandyangUID: 2730087

附件中。。

葛佳UID: 2725332

16# grandyang

生活习惯  Because people are too busy doing many different things，they can do few things well 070303
//题目

In modern life, we human beings have more things to do than ever,【比较对象有点不对。
可以说 than that in ever before 不是跟时间比较
是做的事情比较】 which are all very important. When we are child, we should care about our grade, and should choose what kind of school to go. And when we grow up, we care more things, such as the job, the house, the wife and so many things that ravel me. We can not do all these things at the same time, we should do them one after another.【建议可以再加上一句话概括自己的观点】

I really know we have so many things need doing, so many problems need solving. As a student, we should put 【pay】our attention to one or two things, not many. For example, as a【an】 undergraduate, I know the most crucial task is study instead of finding a girlfriend. After graduation, I may choose study abroad, that is my dream. So I need to learn English well, which is my recent goal. If I also prepare for the examination for graduate in China, I think I will be crazy, which is an impossible mission for me. So just take one thing and do it well, that is my motto.

Besides, I want to emphases that when we choose one thing to do, we should put all our effort on it, that means we do our best. As we all known, no way is absolutely without trouble. On the way to the success,【好句子】 there must be so many difficulties and trouble【troubles】, but do not give up. It just like the climb, I choose one way to climb till top. Take me for example, when I decide to prepare for the TOEFL exam, I spend most of my time studying English instead of seeing film or playing game. I just have faith that I will do it well. And after months period of studying, I feel my English 【have】made great progress, which owe to my concentration on one thing.

To sum up, most people can not do many things well at the same time, however, if we choose one or two things to do and make our best to do it well, I think the result must be different. After all, our energy is not infinite, we can not concentrate on too many things synchronously. I still hold the belief that if all of us preserve one or two things, we will be succeed eventually.

建议。
你的有些句子变化有点少
比如 I can； I want to
可以更丰富些、

欢迎回批

phoebeDUID: 2846496

In modern life, we human beings have more things to do than ever, which are all very important. (将which are all very important放在things后会不会好一点，这样的话指代更明确，不过我觉得important things就行了)When we are child（children）, we should care about our grade, and should choose what kind of school to go（罗嗦了）. And when we grow up, we care more things, such as the job, the house, the wife and so many things that ravel me.（罗嗦了） We can not do all these things（things可去掉） at the same time, we should do them one after another.

I really know we have so many things need doing, so many problems need solving（to be solved吧？）. As a student, we should put our attention to（focus on就行了吧） one or two things, not many. For example, as a（an） undergraduate, I know the most crucial task is study instead of finding a girlfriend. After graduation, I may choose(to??) study abroad, that is my dream. So(别用so了，有好多其他的可以代替) I need to learn English well, which is my recent goal. If I also prepare for the examination for graduate in China, I think I will be crazy, which（which是指代什么的？） is an impossible mission for me. So just take one thing and do it well, that is my motto.这一段全都是which哦

Besides, I want to emphases that when we choose one thing to do, we should put all our effort on it, that means we do our best. As we all known, no way is absolutely without trouble.（这句我不是很明白，是通过看书积累下来的？） On the way to the success, there must be so many difficulties and trouble（troubles）, but do not give up. It just like the climb, I choose one way to climb till top. Take me for example, when I decide to prepare for the TOEFL exam, I spend most of my time studying English instead of seeing film or playing game. I just have faith that I will do it well. And after months period of studying, I feel my English make great progress, which owe to my concentration on one thing.别老用which吧？

To sum up, most people can not do many things well at the same time, however, if we choose one or two things to do and make our best to do it well, I think the result must be different. After all, our energy is not infinite, we can not concentrate on too many things synchronously.(这个词，多用于物理学方面的，很少用在这类文章中) I still hold the belief that if all of us preserve one or two things, we will be succeed（为什么用被动？successful吧？） eventually.

rysfUID: 2514937

打不开啊

ProsUID: 2945841

。。。作文在哪啊？？

grandyangUID: 2730087

11.13 独立

嘉木香草UID: 2805584

48# grandyang

Museum is a container of history, which document the events happened in the past clearly. Of course visiting museums can learn about a country's past（读着感觉有点chinglish）, however, what about the current conditions or the prospective ones? Can we all learn from the museums? Absolutely not. The best way to learn about a country is to live in this country. Let me put with
(没听说过这个用法，查字典也没找到，如果有的话，麻烦给我说一声，学习一下) the (个人感觉加个the会好些)details.

Admittedly, we cannot deny the value of the museums. What the museums display are the evidence of the history, which can be a painting, a tool, ancient books and even a page of paper. They all have their own merits. If someone wants to know a country's history, it is a better
（与什么相比是better的？不如换成good）choice for him to go to the history museum. For example, if I want to know
(这里know可以再换个词，避免与前面的know重复)more about the Nanking Massacre, I will go to the museum. There I can find the detailed description about that horrible and brute slaughter in the format of words and pictures.
I make efforts to hold my tears from shedding.（与major idea关系不大） The museums should be kept forever to document to （是不是the?）brute behavior of the invaders.

想请教一下，独立写作的这种同意不同意的话题是可以两方面论述的吗？还是就自己同意或者不同意论述到底？

However, the museums cannot represent the whole aspects of a country, and sometimes may mislead the foreigners. Think about the modern history of China, which is full of shame and humiliation. China has been trampled by big powers
(强权?想请教一下老师这个词该怎么说，感觉有点别扭)at that time. After some foreigners visit these kinds of
（什么kinds）museums(不如改成把“After some foreigners visit these kinds of
museums" 改成after some foreigners have visited museums which are fraught with this kind of information), they may hold the opinion that China is so weak and they
(可以去掉)may have a bad impression of China. That is not fair, because modern China has
become more and more prosperous and
have
（到底应该是has还是have）a booming economy（特意查了下牛津高阶，economy做经济制度和节约讲师可数，做经济讲是不可数，不知道对不对，你可以再请教下）, no one dare to invade China any more. We Chinese have more and more confident when we face
（facing）the world. What the museums document is only the past of one country, neither the present nor the future.

这个观点有点牵强，有科技馆类的museums专门展示当代科技作品和未来世界的幻想，有点以偏概全了。

How can we
really know about a country
comprehensively（两个副词可以么）? I believe the best way is to live in this country for some time（some time是‘改天’的意思，是不是改用sometime
‘将来的某天’）. When you live in this country, what you hear is that country's language, what you see is that country's people（看到的不只有people吧，觉得将see换成‘接触’好些）, what you eat is that country's food, and what you feel is that country's culture. It is the most direct way to learn about that country, which is more efficient than only going to museums. When foreigners come to China, they can eat the delicious food of China, visit the beautiful places in China, and appreciate（意为‘赏识，高度评价，体恤’是不是用错了？）

the pretty girls(不过用pretties更合适些吧) in China as well. Isn't it a better way to
lean
（这个词用的有点问题）China than just see those banal things in the museums?



感觉文章有出彩的地方，但是逻辑和用词上还稍有欠缺，逻辑上应该是围绕每段的major idea展开minor idea的叙述，当然我第一次写，肯定也存在很多不足的地方，希望能够共同进步！

fayipinkUID: 2782313

我觉得你的作文接近满分了，应该是28+。逻辑很好，思维连贯，也用了很好的句型比如末端的排比句。唯一要提醒的是，如果427字的作文是在半小时里写出的，那真的很牛了。否则的话要注意真的考作文时可能没有那么大篇的文字能阐述尽这个话题。所以还要再进行一下限时训练。学习之.

grandyangUID: 2730087

11.15 TPO10

grandyangUID: 2730087

11.16 独立

grandyangUID: 2730087

11.17 综合

grandyangUID: 2730087

11.18 独立

jjooyyUID: 2704028

本来想看看你的作文的。。。
怎么这几个都没人改？？

windslpUID: 2903140

T T17号的综合晚点就来改,,,

jiaojiaojing198UID: 2428625

54# grandyang 11.18 Grandyang.doc (24.5 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2010-11-19 13:37:38 上传

下载次数: 2

11.18 revise