issue93

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Issue39: （孙远的书）
“The concept of “individual responsibility ”is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’ behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

首先我对题目的理解是，” Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’ behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.” 虽然社会人们必须要求人民负责任，但是在某些情况下人们的行为是被外力所决定（强迫）的，（所以，在某程度上，人们不需负责任….这段话是由题目引伸出来的，不知对不对）

Syllabus:
1.        首段，表达立场，自由社会人们互动频繁，负责任的重要性，但不同意人的行为只受外力的影响。
2.        第二段，负责任的重要性，不负责任则会成为社会混乱之源，如社会问题、家庭纠纷等，以朋友的叔叔沈溺赌博及统治者不顾国家责任随意发动战争为例。
3.        第三段，为上一段的小结，people 要谨慎思考来做决定，并对所造成的后果或影响负起责任。
4.        第四段，不同意arguer的说明及理由，人的行为受到外力影响的谬误（如贫穷而偷窃，被嘲笑而杀人，似有理但实为非），应审慎思考（用尺来衡量）再做决定，而非一味推卸责任给外力
5.        第五段，教育应教导人们负责，同实在外力（不可避免的）的影响下，如何做出最正确的决定
6.        结论

( 正文)
In a liberal society, because people frequently interact with each other, individuals should accountable for their own actions that may affect other people. Thus, I agree with that the concept of individual responsibility is a significant one of required values for people. However, I arguer that people’s behavior should not be determined by external forces but by their own minds.（最末句这样的句型对吗？ 自己都有些怀疑？）（我对我的开头真是没信心…）

Individual responsibility plays a vital role in stabilizing society. There is ample evidence that social problem as well as family disputes and even increasing crime rate are resulting from the lack sense of the responsibility. For example, my friend’s uncle who extremely indulged in gamble spent all of his property and didn’t care about his wife and children; hence, he destroyed his family. After divorced form his wife, he lost his job and only depended on government subsidies for his survival. It is, therefore, apparent that a person without responsibility not only causes family problem but also brings about social instability. Besides, try to image that a ruler regarding the responsibility of his / her country as rubbish starts a war at will. It will be another catastrophe for the world.

Apparently, it could be argue that people should deliberatively consider the responsibility that they should take before making any choices. Because individuals strongly interact with each other in today’s society, every behavior and its consequence profoundly influence each person, a society and even a country.

On the other hand, some people might assert that persons should not be responsible for their behavior that was mostly determined by the force. It sounds plausible that men with mental or intellectual disorder doesn’t need to take any charge of their actions, but it would be absurd, even parlous, when it comes to people who are normal and could think with their brains. Still others claim that people could be venial, while some circumstances compel them doing certain inappropriate actions. For instance, the thief pleads poverty; the murder pleads derision. Admittedly, several situations surely influence people’s life but, however, these impacts should not affect individuals the ability of making right decisions. So, the poor should put efforts on hard work but not use poverty as excuse to steal; the murders should prove the merit of themselves but not to kill someone who has ever scoffed them. Thus, each person should not shirk her/his responsibility and blame onto the external severe circumstances. Moreover, people need a scale in their mind to rationally judge things and to discreetly contemplate the outcome of them.   

In addition, education is one of the useful devices to help society to stabilize itself. Schools should prepare people the concept of individual responsibility and furthermore, teach them how to make correct decisions, even in the inevitable severe conditions.   

In conclusion, without individual responsibility, a liberal society may be on the way toward chaos. Therefore, the concept of personal responsibility is not only a part of integrative people but also the ballast for stabilizing a healthy society. Meanwhile, education should cultivate people how to think thoroughly and make adequate determinations deliberatively even in several adverse circumstances.(509)


我怎幺觉得越练越没信心啊…..苦恼…-_-
先谢谢大家的帮忙了…^^

gteryyUID：114434

Issue39: （孙远的书）
“The concept of “individual responsibility ”is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’ behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

首先我对题目的理解是，” Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people’ behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.” 虽然社会人们必须要求人民负责任，但是在某些情况下人们的行为是被外力所决定（强迫）的，（所以，在某程度上，人们不需负责任….这段话是由题目引伸出来的，不知对不对）

我觉得这样引申我认为不对哦，在哪里都会强调要对自己的行为负责任的哦。不过呢，这题的意思大概是说虽然社会要求个人有对自己的责任，但事实上他们的责任已经被外力决定了，自己没有主动权

文章晚一点看：）

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我记得gter上有一篇详细点评的范文，可以作为参考。

gteryyUID：114434

In a liberal society, because people frequently interact with each other, individuals should beaccountable for their own actions that may affect other people. Thus, I agree with that the concept of individual responsibility is a significant one of required values这里的value你是什么意思？品格吗？ for people. However, I arguer that people’s behavior should not be determined by external forces but by their own minds.（最末句这样的句型对吗？ 自己都有些怀疑？）语法上没错。但是我觉得题目不是应该不应该又外在强制力来决定的问题。而是你是否同意提干说人的行为是由外力决定的（我对我的开头真是没信心…）

Individual responsibility plays a vital role in stabilizing society. There is ample evidence that social problem as well as family disputesconflicts好点 and even increasing crime rate are resulting from the lack of sense of the 加上individual，这可是你的题眼啊responsibility. For example, my friend’s uncle who extremely indulged in gambling spent all of his property and didn’t care about his wife and children; hence, he destroyed his family. After divorced form his wife, he lost his job and onlyonly放depend后面 depended on government subsidies for his survival. It is, therefore, apparent that a person without responsibility not only causes family problem but also brings about social instability. Besides, try to image想象一般用imagine吧 that a ruler regarding the responsibility of his / her country as rubbish starts a war at will. It will be another catastrophe for the world.
这段主要说了个人责任的重要性，例子和观点都很不错。表达的也很清楚。

Apparently, it could be argue that这个句型不对 people should deliberatively consider the responsibility that they should taketheir responsibility就可以了，因为责任这个词本身就带有义务性质，是必须执行的 before making any choicesany后面不能用复数吧. Because individuals strongly interact with each other in today’s society, every behavior and its consequence profoundly influence each person, a society and even a country.
这段总结可以放到上一段结尾就好了，可以再简单一点。这样再说一遍显得重复得比较多。

On the other hand, some people might assert that persons should not be responsible for their behavior that was mostly determined by the force. It sounds plausible that men with mental or intellectual disorder doesn’t need to take any charge of their actions, but it would be absurd, even parlous, when it comes to people who are normal and could think with their brains. Still others claim that people could be venial, while some circumstances compel them to do吧doing certain inappropriate actions. For instance, the thief pleads poverty; the murder pleads derisionoffence. Admittedly, several situations surely influence people’s life but, however, these impacts should not affect individuals the ability of making right decisions. 这句话如果是我就这样说：these conditions should not be the reasons to behave irresponsiblySo, the poor should put efforts on hard work but not use poverty as excuse to steal; the murders should prove the merit of themselves but not to kill someone who has ever scoffed them. Thus, each person should not shirk her/his responsibility and blame onto the external severe circumstances. Moreover, people need a scale in their mind to rationally judge things and to discreetly contemplate the outcome of them.
[这两个例子是对自己行为不负责任的表现，而不是逃避责任，这两者之间有点区别。所以你这样论证难免牵强。但是你可以深入一下，说尽管社会情况可能对个人行为有影响，但是个人责任是存在于自身的思想当中，不因为由外界因素所左右等等/color]

In addition, education is one of the useful devices to help society to stabilize itself. Schools should prepare people the concept of individual responsibility and furthermore, teach them how to make correct decisions, even in the inevitable severe conditions.
这个提议很好啊。不光学校教育，还是社会宣传，媒体、艺术影响、政府的管理等等

In conclusion, without individual responsibility, a liberal society may be on the way toward chaos. Therefore, the concept of personal responsibility is not only a part of integrative people but also the ballast for stabilizing a healthy society. Meanwhile, education should cultivate people how to think thoroughly and make adequate determinations deliberatively even in several adverse circumstances.(509)
结尾还行。但是你不要光强调教育啊。

总体感觉还是不错的。
就是第二部分的论述稍微有点偏，再深入转回正题更好点。
我觉得你有一点做的很好，就是表达清楚。

顺便说一句：GRE作文平分标准中3.5以前都要求表达意思清楚的。


越练越没有信心是很正常的一个现象。因为感觉才思用尽了是吧？呵呵。我们当时大家也有这种感觉，好象就是写到十篇左右时最顺手，越往后越不好写。你们可以试着练成自己的摸版，不管有多乏味，照着自己的摸版套好了。比较保险。

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谢谢gteryy的细腻评改，
说真格的，每次让您们这些高手费心指正，我都觉得好温暖、很是感动啊(流泪)…^_^
嗯….这文章实在难写啊，写到现在还没有流畅的感觉，
最重要的还是严重超时….但，唉…还是要努力了…
谢谢大家的指导….^^