[风雨与共] AW第一周作业 by [6]

victoryleeUID: 2970664

Argument6.The following was written as a part ofan application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the cityof Monroe.
"Ajazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise.Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, theC Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremelypopular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival lastsummer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-ratedradio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally,a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help butmake money."




Content:
This writing enumerates lots of evidences, which seempersuasive at first glance, to conclude the idea that the prospective C Note, ajazz club, can unimpeachably make enormous money. However, more details shouldbe investigated in order to support this conclusion, for the ambiguous reasonsin the paragraph implicit so many mistakes.

First of all, it indicates that there is no jazz club inMonroe and the nearest one is 65 miles away. This fact doesn’t mean that it’s necessaryto build up a local jazz club. Before taking any actions about theconstruction, we should firstly confirm the reason why other company didn’t dothat before. Do the residents in Monroe oppose this kind of plan? It is saidthat several famous jazz musicians live in Monroe, and most of the celebritieswould love to enjoy a quiet and peaceful environment for their families. Thismay be the intrinsic reason for the fact that there is no jazz club for so manyyears.

What more, we still uncertain about the jazz enthusiasm ofthe local market, which is the premiered foundation for a music club’s profit.The evidence that there is over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festivallast summer can just reflect the scale of the activity, because no statisticalanalysis was given to show the distribution of the people’s domiciles. It ispossible that most of the attendants are from nearby cities but not localinhabitations. People in Monroe could love jazz but limit in listening ratherthan participating in.

Last but not least, the nationwide survey can’t indicate thesituation of Monroe residents’ willing to spend money on jazz related contents.Even assuming that the study coherent to the fact that local jazz fan spendslots of money per year on jazz entertainment, it is still necessary to obtaindetails about the fields of the expenditure. Monroe people would love topurchase equipment rather than spend on jazz club.

Without rolling out more reasonable explanations or further informationto support the idea of jazz club’s construction, we cannot confidentialconclude that C Note will bring in considerable profits.

arksapmis30UID: 2973097

This writing enumerates lots of evidences（to support the speaker’s assertion）, which seem (加个somewhat之类的程度词比较好)persuasive at first glance, to conclude the idea that the prospective C Note, a jazz club, can unimpeachably make enormous money(改成profit会更书面些吧，或者can be unimpeachably profitable就可以了). However, more details should be investigated in order to support this conclusion, for the ambiguous reasons in the paragraph implicit（implicit是形容词，用include?） so many mistakes.

First of all, it(the speaker) indicates that there is no jazz club in Monroe and the nearest one is 65 miles away. This fact doesn’t mean that it’s necessary to build up a local jazz club. Before taking any actions about(for) the construction, we should firstly confirm the reason why other company didn’t do that before. Do the residents in Monroe oppose this kind of plan?(这里论述有些不可靠，可以从当地的jazz club可能没市场这一点考虑) It is said that several famous jazz musicians live in Monroe, and most of the celebrities would love to enjoy a quiet and peaceful environment for their families. This may be the intrinsic reason for the fact that there is no jazz club for so many years.

What（is）more, we still uncertain about the jazz enthusiasm ofthe local market（改成the popularity of jazz among local residents比较好吧）, which is the premiered foundation for a music club’s profit.（profitability） The evidence that there is over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer can just reflect the scale of the activity, because no statistical analysis was given to show the distribution of the people’s(attendants) domiciles. It is possible that most of the attendants are from nearby cities but not local inhabitations. People in Monroe could(might)
love jazz but limit in listening rather than participating in(感觉这样表达有点别扭，没有limit in这样的搭配，改成prefer listening to the CD to going to the club？).

Last but not least, the nationwide survey can’t indicate the situation of Monroe residents’ willing to spend money on jazz related contents. Even assuming that the study coherent to the fact that local jazz fan spends lots of money per year on jazz entertainment, it is still necessary to obtain details about the fields of the expenditure. Monroe people would love to(might be prefer to) purchase equipment(instruments)
rather than spend on jazz club.

Without rolling out more reasonable explanations or further information to support the idea of jazz club’s construction, we cannot confidential conclude that C Note will bring in considerable profits

语言还需要打磨下吧，感觉多背背范文会很有帮助，另外字数有些少了，argu最好不低于400字，不过就第一篇argu来说可以了~继续努力~

部落联盟fiveUID: 2602690

6
Thiswriting enumerates lots of evidences, which seem persuasive at first glance, toconclude the idea that the prospective C Note, a jazz club, can unimpeachablymake enormous money. However, more details should be investigated in order tosupport this conclusion, for the ambiguous reasons in the paragraph implicit somany mistakes.

First of all, it indicates that there is no jazzclub in Monroe and the nearest one is 65 miles away. （可以加入一点：作者是如何得出本地没有JC的呢，他的判断依据是什么的，也许有的ＪＣ只是名字和爵士没什么区别，但是的的确确是个爵士吧　而且是否有别的形式的酒吧一直在放爵士乐捏）This fact doesn’t mean that it’s necessary tobuild up a local jazz club. Before taking any actions about the construction,we should firstly confirm the reason why other company didn’t do that before（中国式表达）.Do the residents in Monroe oppose this kind of plan? （前后两句逻辑关系不是很强大）It is said that several famous jazzmusicians live in Monroe, and most of the celebrities would love to enjoy aquiet and peaceful environment for their families. This may be the intrinsicreason for the fact that there is no jazz club for so many years.

What more, we still uncertain about the jazz enthusiasm of
the local market（有一点点奇怪的表达，我一般都说是“当地　爵士乐　的　潜在市场”）, which is the premiered foundation for amusic club’s profit.
The evidence that there is over 100,000people attended Monroe’s jazz festival
last summer can just reflect the scale ofthe activity, because no statistical
analysis was given to show the distribution of the people’s domiciles. It is
possible that most of the attendants arefrom nearby cities but not local
inhabitations. People in Monroe could lovejazz but limit in listening rather（有点突兀的论证　因为那个电台也是一个可以驳斥的点　我觉得上文中讨论让步过后方可以用作支持点）
than participating in.

Last but not least, the nationwide survey can’tindicate the
situationof Monroe residents’ willing to spend money on jazz related contents.（前后两句联系弱　层次不分明）　Even assuming that the study coherent to thefact that local jazz fan spends
lots of money per year on jazzentertainment, it is still necessary to obtain
details about the fields of the expenditure.Monroe people would love to
purchase equipment rather than spend on jazzclub.［我的建议是分为三个层次：１　调查的可信度　２．全国性调查不能代表地方性习惯　３．具体的支出项目］

Without rolling out more reasonable explanationsor further information
to support the idea of jazz club’sconstruction, we cannot confidential
conclude that C Note will bring inconsiderable profits.
From 千寻的小小建议：
（1）逻辑要加强
可以通过列较为详细的提纲
并且要反复推敲前后逻辑
（2）用词的规范化
我是通过看别人的人的文
然后看到好用的就换过来
ＰＳ　我每写完一篇都会文字总结一下自己的缺点　这样就有奋斗目标了

部落联盟fiveUID: 2602690

帖子发出来都有点乱码了 楼主要忍住 我第一次帮别人改文 多多关照 共同进步 耶耶