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26th.JAN
On Parenthood
Parenthood is psychologically capable of providing the greatest and most enduring happiness that life has to offer. When circumstances lead men or women to forgo this happiness, a very deep need remains ungratified. To be happy in this world, especially when youth is past, it is necessary to feel oneself not merely an isolated individual whose day will soon be over, but part of the stream of life flowing on from the first germ to the remote and unknown future. A man who is capable of some great and remarkable achievement which sets its stamp upon future ages may gratify this feeling through his work, but for men and women who have no exceptional gifts, the only way to do is through children. Those who have allowed their procreative(生育) impulses to become atrophied have separated themselves from the stream of life, and in so doing have run a grave risk of becoming desiccated. For them, unless they are exceptionally impersonal, death ends all. The world that shall come after them does not concern them, and because of their doings appear to themselves trivial and unimportant. To the man or women who has children and grandchildren and loves them with a natural affection, the future is important, at any rate to limit of their lives, not only through morality or through an effort of imagination, but naturally and instinctively. And the man whose interests have been stretched to this extent beyond his personal life is likely to be able to stretch them still further. Like Abraham, he will derive satisfaction from the thought that his seed are to inherit the promised land even if this is not to happen for many generations. And through such feelings he is saved from the sense of futility which otherwise deadens all his emotions.
The basis of the family is, of course, the fact that parents feel a special kind of affection towards their own children, different form that which they feel towards each other or towards other children. This emotion is one of which we inherit from our animal ancestors. Anyone who will observe an animal mother with her young can see that her behavior towards them follows an entirely different pattern from her behavior towards the male with whom she has sex relations. And this same different and instinctive pattern, through in a modified and less definite form, exists among human beings. As things are, the special affection the parents have for their children, provided their instincts are not atrophied, is of value both to the parents themselves and to the children. The value of parental affection to children lies largely in the fact that it is more reliable than any other affection. One’s friends like one for one’s merit, one’s lovers for one’s charms; if the merits or the charms diminish, friends and lovers may vanish. But it is in times of misfortune that parents are most to be relied upon, in illness, and even in disgrace if the parents are of the right sort. We all feel pleasure when we are admired for our merits, but most of us are sufficiently modest at heart to fell that such admiration is precarious. Our parents love us because we are their children, and this is an unalterable fact, so that we feel more safe with them than with anyone else. In times of success this may seem unimportant, but in times of failure it affords a consolation and a security not to be found elsewhere.
From a very early age there comes to be a conflict between love of parental power and desire for the children’s good, for, while power over the children is to a certain extent decreed by the nature of things, it is nevertheless desirable that the children should as soon as possible learn to be independent in as many ways as possible, which is unpleasant to the power impulse in a parent. Some parents never become conscious of this conflict, and remain tyrants until the children are in the position to rebel. Others, however, become conscious of it, and find themselves a prey to conflicting emotions. In the conflict their parental happiness is lost. After all the care that they have bestowed on the children, they find to their mortification that he turns out quite different from what they had hoped. They wanted him to be a soldier, and they find him a pacifist, or, like Tolstoy, they wanted him to be a pacifist, and he joins the Black Hundreds. But it is not only these later developments that the difficulty is left. If you feed an infant who is already capable of feeding himself, you are putting love of power before the child’s welfare, although it seems to you that you are only being kind in saving him trouble. If you make him too vividly aware of dangers, you are probably actuated(驱使) by a desire to keep him dependent upon you. If you give him demonstrative affection to which you expect a response, you are probably endeavouring to grapple him to you by means of his emotions. In a thousand ways, great and small, the possessive impulse of parents will lead them astray, unless they are very watchful or very pure in heart. Modern parents, aware of these dangers, sometimes lose confidence in handling their children, and become therefore even less able to be of use to them than if they permitted themselves spontaneous mistakes, for nothing causes so much worry in a child’s mind as lack of certainty and self-confidence on the part of an adult.
Better than being careful is to be pure in heart. The parent who genuinely desires the children’s welfare more than his or her power over the child will not need textbooks to say what should and what should not be done, but will be guided aright by impulse. And in that case the relation of parents and children will be harmonious from first to last, causing no rebellion in the child and no feeling of frustration in the parent. This demands on the part of the parents from the first a respect for the personality of the child – a respect which must be not merely a matter of principle, whether moral or intellectual, but something deeply felt with almost mystical conviction to such a degree that possessiveness and oppression become utterly impossible. To them there will be no irksome restraint upon their love of power, and no need to dread the bitter disillusionment which despotic parents experience when their children acquire freedom. And to the parent who has this attitude there is more joy in parenthood than ever was possible to the despot in the heyday(鼎盛时期) of parental power. For the love that has been purged by gentleness of all tendency towards tyranny can give a joy more exquisite, more tender, more capable of transmuting the base metal of daily life into the pure gold of mystic ecstasy, than any emotion that is possible to the man still fighting and struggling to maintain his ascendancy in this slippery world.
From—“The Conquest of Happiness” 1930, written by Russell
这篇文章阐述了家长和孩子之间的关系。是人类生育的本能,我们要关爱孩子抚育下一代,以延续我们的追求。父母对于子女的爱与其他任何形式的情感和关系不同,是没有嫌弃,也是最让人感到慰藉和安全的。
然而,父母总需要面对这样一个课题:享受施爱的权利和为了孩子的独立成长是很矛盾的。可以看出,那些要为孩子规划的父母,企求孩子可以以某种形式反馈他们的关爱,是误入歧途,不够明智的。在孩子叛逆时以暴君的角色出现,往往会适得其反,并且会忽略孩子在自信和自我认同感上存在的问题。
而那些真正为孩子幸福谋划的家长起到的是引导的作用,这就需要尊重。这里的尊重并不是什么德育智育的原则,而就是对孩子没有占有和压迫。这样,父母反而会获得和谐的子女关系,更快乐,喜悦地为人父母。这是那些维持统治权力的父母所不能体会的。
Suit for the following issues:
66. Young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term, realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition. 年轻人应该鼓励去寻求长期的现实目标而不是追求眼前的名声。
189. Progress is best made through discussion among people who have contrasting points of view. 进步最好是在人们各抒己见的讨论中达成的。
181. The purpose of education should be to provide students with a value system, a standard, a set of ideas—not to prepare them for a specific job. 教育的目的应该是给予学生一个价值体系,一个标准,一整套想法——而不是为一个具体工作培养他们。 |
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