OG独立作文求修改

小小米米UID: 2903694

第一次发帖，鼓足了勇气啊。
很久很久没碰英语了，月底考T，写了篇OG第二套题的独立作文。我知道用词、句式啥的都很naive，也知道版上牛人很多，所以请大家尽情地在这篇小学生作文上修改吧。让我好好学习学习，反思反思！多谢各位了！
拜年拜年，祝要考的各位都兔飞猛进！
再次拜谢！
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Young people enjoy life more than older people do.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As the development of society, people’s life quality has been increased. There are various ways for us to choose to enjoy life or release ourselves from the burden of work or study. Some people think young people enjoy life more than older people do. The reason may be that young people can find more entertainments. However, I’m afraid that I don’t think that this argument is appropriate.
First of all, in the position of young people, even though they may be more likely to receive new stuffs and have more choices to relax themselves, as the increasing competition in the society, they must work harder to create conditions for a better life than their precursors. For instance, the price of an ordinary house in Beijing, the capital of China, is extremely high for a young person who has just graduated for several years without financial help from his/her parents. In this case, if he/she wants to purchase a house, which is necessary for one’s living, he/she must be industrial to make money rather than enjoy life in a slow life pace.
Then we take account for older people. Unlike young people, older people almost have achieved most goals in their whole life. They have made a lot of achievement in their career or even have retired, they have a family with stable life level and they may have raised up their child. It’s time for them to enjoy their life! What’s more, they have enough free time and money for enjoy life. Let me take the example of my parents. I have lived independently and don’t need them to offer money for my daily life, because I get enough allowance from the government and the university every month as a graduate student. Thus my parents are not intense in finance. Even if they haven’t retired yet, they have stable jobs. They also have large number of friends to get together for fun as well. Therefore, my dad always rides his bike for short-distance tours at the weekends, and my mother often goes shopping with her friends. Both of them have a pleasure life.
In conclusion, young people have to face more sustenance pressure, while older ones own free time and money for happy hours. For these reasons, I don’t agree with the statement concerning young people enjoy life more than older people do.

小小米米UID: 2903694

没有人帮我。。。是我真的写得太烂了吗？
路过的人留个言告诉我下行不？
多谢！

小小米米UID: 2903694

3# chenyyalex
主要是我不能保证有时间帮别人改作文，所以不好意思去加……