[GRE作文互助组]清心_巧的作业帖---issue习作贴

tsaoyu991UID: 3207249

批改占座，

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.7

ChenaixxxxUID: 2780043

今天去拔牙了……痛苦……
8.6 批改，才交，真不好意思哈~
顺便把我写好的8.6贴给你~批改受累咯~By Chenaixxxx（Yang）
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... xtra=#pid1776115507

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.8

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.8

冬涧苦雪UID: 3277513

针对issue29的修改

可能批得有点厉害，不妥之处可以及时反馈，互相交流。加油！
（先看最下面）
Which one is surest indicator of a great nation, the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists or the general welfare of its people? In order to answer this debatable question, one should firstly figure out what is a great nation（应是陈述语序，what a great nation is）. A great nation indicates political stability, economic development and national amity, with its people living and working in peace and contentment. As the two aspects in the first question（有the second question吗？可改成former）, in my point of view, they （谁呀？那两个？）are not strictly（个人觉得，这个副词用得不得当） comparable, because they interact with each other to contribute jointly to a great nation（共同对国家强大起作用就不能彼此比较了吗？没有这个逻辑呀）.
作为文章首段，首先写得太多了，说了半天才引出最后一句有点睛作用的话，逻辑还有问题
For the general welfare of people, it's important for every country, not only the great one(ones). We know that the country is set for its people. Its prior(prior有时间前有的感觉，可以这么用吗？好别扭) obligation is to make every effort to insure its people have the basic conditions for survival. Only are people（only从句不倒装，最好改成加分词结构，only provided with such ..., can the people...） provided with such living essence(生命精华？你是想说material/physical basis吗), can they do contributions for their country. One counterexample（为什么要举反例） is that though the agriculture, technology and industry were highly developed and it（上文从未提到，就来it呀） was one of the most powerful country in that period, the former Soviet Union still broke up. One major reason is the harsh reality of life for their people so that they no longer have confidence for their country（病句）. Whenever （为什么用whenever）people lose their confidence, the country will lose its excellent emotional appeal and coagulative power.
中间逻辑有问题，苏联的事例没有有效地论述，分析不够。
Looking back in history, we could not deny that every great nation had a high achievements（单数复数？） of its rulers, artists, and scientists. Power leaders, such as Great Alexander and Napoleon, even though they seem ruthless, may guide their countries into greatness. Besides, in today's world, more and more countries have realized the importance of cultural soft power（这段第一句不是topic sentence啊？为什么又开始说当代？）. American movies, Korean TV series and Japanese cartoon bring people（chinglish） not only pleasure but also the acceptation of a certain culture. （这跟主题有神马关系呀⊙﹏⊙b）As for science achievement, we all know it is the first productive force. With Watt's amelioration of steam engine, the Industry Revolution, one of the most influential events in human history happened firstly in Britain（冗杂）. Benefiting from it, the Britain gradually became a global economic hegemon. The advanced productive forces, advanced forms of transportation helped the Britain establish colonies around the world. Thus, Britain was called a "sun does not set empire" in that era.
这都是再说什么啊···真心晕了
However, these achievements could help to improve people's general welfare; in the same time, a better living standard could cause more achievements to happen.One (On)the one hand, the technology achievements can be used to increase productivity so the material life of people could be guaranteed. The art achievements could rich people's mental world helping them to be civil citizen. And the effective lead could perfect the imperfection (没有这么说的吧··)in order to make a stable environment. One the other hand, when people don't need to worry about their material life, they could devote themselves more into the prosperity of their country. They could unit together because they love this motherland and its people. They get so many things from it so they want to pay back it.

In this modern world, with more focus on democracy and leadership in almost every field, to be a great country needs plenty of effort（chinglish）. Both welfare of people and remarkable achievements are necessary for a great country and they will make a mutual promotion to strengthen it.

先总结了下你的提纲：
1福利对每个国家都很重要
2每个强国都有很多精英
3精英的贡献和福利是有相互促进关系的
4二者都要加强，才能建立强盛的国家

首先，我觉得···貌似整体都有点跑，题目要求论述国家实力的衡量指标，而并不是怎样能让国家强盛，二者是有关系，但是作为主题，不可以直接取代题目的问法，导致每一段的论述中心都“跑偏”了
第二段：这个issue的主要方向是让考生陈述福利对于国力强弱的代表性，不应该围绕着welfare很重要，就展开一段，而应去探讨它能不能最好地代表国力。福利重要和它的代表性不成等价关系呀~~
第三段也是，和主题不紧密，游移的感觉。
···一直到最后，都在论述什么样子才能建立强盛的国家，而丝毫不提和indicator有关的内容。

其次，逻辑上，要在构思的时候注意句间结构，全文注意段间结构，逻辑是不是说得通，首先你自己可以被说服吗？

最后，语言的问题，建议多模仿好文章造句子，集中训练，改改自己的句子，不地道。

loveJenny0717UID: 3240059

啊，既然已经改过了，我是不是不用帮巧同学改了？

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.9

清心_巧UID: 3199712

loveJenny0717 发表于 2012-8-9 11:01
啊，既然已经改过了，我是不是不用帮巧同学改了？

不要不要嘛

loveJenny0717UID: 3240059

啊，看完了上位同学给你改的，我觉得我改得很不专业……上一位同学可以去ＥＴＳ阅卷了……不过仁者见仁吧~加油！别忘了给我改哈~

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.13

清心_巧UID: 3199712

loveJenny0717 发表于 2012-8-9 21:07
啊，看完了上位同学给你改的，我觉得我改得很不专业……上一位同学可以去ＥＴＳ阅卷了……不过仁者见仁吧 ...

不好意思吖..这几天都没怎么来寄托,今天刚回来..我会帮你改的,虽然我也不专业,尽力而为

loveJenny0717UID: 3240059

清心_巧UID: 3199712

8.14


个人认为不擅长写社会类文章

曦月UID: 3167572

8.13号的~有点晚了~~