“燃烧的战火”作文互改小组---“恳请斑竹老师们批改，欢迎广大G友拍砖"

xiesisiminervaUID: 2997765

小狮子  7次     考试时间：9.15

Issue3
Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


“Students should not pursue fields of study that they are unlikely to succeed.” Claim officials in the university. ”No,’’ say the students,’’ we’d like to devote ourselves in whatever is extremely attracting us.” Nowadays, it is not the limited abilities but the disbelieving tone that put the sands in the wheel of a student’s study. Sometimes, just as what the Argentinan poet Antonio Porchia said,’’ they will say you are on the wrong road, if it is your own.’’
The university or other responsible education agency, are always willing to dissuade students from doing “vainly” work. They have many reasons such as the financial supports is limited , there seems no hope to work it out in a short time or even that you do not have the qualities to finish it. Some of the advice are gentle, other are compelling. For instance,  stop the funding. In fact, the university officials are not suitable enough to take charge in guiding the pursuing field of the students study.  
Firstly, officials in the education institutions are not specialists in a certain area who can make a right judgment of whether this kind of research is worth to be done. Even if a committee consisted by a batch of specialists can also be helpless and sometimes make things become more difficult. These authorities in a certain area would probably be cheated by their old experience, so that they are unwilling to recognize a possible evolution. A well example is a chemical scientist who invented the technology of PCR which has been used as a common DNA amplification technique in the bio lab. I can well remember what he had said in giving the speech in the TED program,” I am so glad that I haven’t ask my biological friend whether this kind of idea will work out, for they will definitely say no!’’ Actually, it is not a uncommon phenomenon that a new theory or hypothesis is set up in a barrage of criticisms which sometimes will truly block in the way of one’s pursuing truth.
Secondly, many worldly difficult problems seem impossible to have a result at first glance. Who could forecast that Watt’s steam engine would running the train far more faster than the horse. Who could imagine that Edison’s little “crystal ball’’ would send light to hundreds of thousands of family in night , and no one was willing to believe that the crazy idea of only by toughing the computer screen one can execute it . Very likely, great inventions are always coming from the so called unrealistic idea. If this kind of idea were killed when it is in the cradle, we would now live probably in a rather pristine society.


Thirdly, a misleading guide will result in the disappointment of students and kill their passion in keeping searching in their interesting area. Only by doing an experiment and focusing on the certain area, can the students form their own perspective of the subject and decided which kind of direction to follow. Even if they may go in the wrong direction, by continually redirect their focus, they will get closer to the very truth. That is the very process of learning. Unreasonable stopping his research by giving an axiomatic reason that it can not be successful would set a block before him and eventually destroy a forming theory.
Admitted, Educational institution should guild the students to arm the students in their future career.  However, there is other way more than just dissuade the students to engaging in a certain area. For example, they can serve as a gentle guider in giving some important information to the students such as holding a seminar for the same area scholar to exchange their ideas. Or they can help the students to make out a scientific schedule in order to help them full engage in the study.
All in all, in guiding the students’ study of fields, the role of the university should be an positive advisor rather than a negative commander.

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

Issue3
Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
嗯，教育类的祈使命题，这一类还是比较好写的，难点在于instruction要求将文章升华到普适性的层面。

“Students should not pursue fields of study that they are unlikely to succeed.” Claim officials in the university. ”No,’’ say the students,’’ we’d like to devote ourselves in whatever is extremely attracting us.” 前面这两句是在问答么？完全看不出对话关系，感觉是两个世界的人。Nowadays, it is not the limited abilities but the disbelieving tone that put the sands in the wheel of a student’s study. Sometimes, just as what the Argentinan poet Antonio Porchia said,’’ they will say you are on the wrong road, if it is your own.’’
找不到你的立场...第一段不用写得多复杂，给一个不是那么干巴巴的开场白，直接抛出自己对于题目的宏观立场就好了。第一段就是给接下来的论述定个基调。老外改卷子也是扫一眼寻找到有用信息就过去了，别写得过分婉转，有用才是硬道理。

The university or other responsible education agency, are always willing to dissuade students from doing “vainly” work. 有什么加个引号？有特殊寓意么？有的话还得自己给出确切的解释啊。They have many reasons such as the financial supports is limited , there seems no hope to work it out in a short time or even that you do not have the qualities to finish it. Some of the advice are gentle, other are compelling. For instance,  stop the funding. In fact, the university officials are not suitable enough to take charge in guiding the pursuing field of the students study.  
怎么说呢，这段看不出其作用。这段的论点是什么？这段只说了怎么做，没有说为什么。如果是想给出在一定程度上对edu institution这一做法的肯定的话，那么得详细论述这一做法其合理性的原因和出发点吧？感觉你的前两段都陷入一种客观描述的境地。看了两端文字，还是搞不清你的position和thesis，这就有些让人摸不清头脑，你究竟想要说什么，完全是中立性的描述为主，两段文字形同无用啊。

Firstly, officials in the education institutions are not specialists in a certain area who can make a right judgment judgment味道有点太重了，判决，决议的倾向更重些；proposal, advice相对更合适些of whether this kind of research is worth to be done. Even if a committee consisted by a batch of specialists can also be helpless and sometimes ， or even make things become moredifficultan obstruction. These authorities in a certain area would probably be cheated bycheat这个词用的不好。并不是被自己的经验欺骗，应该是因为以前的经验而墨守成规；get into a groove。或者说 overly accept their old experience as truth so that they can not adapt improvement and make innovations. As a result, they are unwilling...... their old experience, so that they are unwilling to recognize a possible evolution. A well example is a chemical scientist who invented the technology of PCR which has been used as a common DNA amplification technique in the bio lab. I can well remember what he had said in giving the speech in the TED program,” I am so glad that I haven’t ask my biological friend whether this kind of idea will work out, for they will definitely say no!’’ Actually, it is not a uncommon phenomenon that a new theory or hypothesis is set up in a barrage of criticisms which sometimes will truly block in the way of one’s pursuing truth.
这个段落写的还是不错的，基本上有理有据，逻辑上也是比较完整的。就是用词上有些小问题。

Secondly, many worldly difficult problems seem impossible to have a result at first glance. Who could forecast that Watt’s steam engine would running the train far more faster than the horse. Who could imagine that Edison’s little “crystal ball’’ would send light to hundreds of thousands of family in night , and no one was willing to believe that the crazy idea of only by toughing the computer screen one can execute it . Very likely, great inventions are always coming from the so called unrealistic idea. If this kind of idea were killed when it is in the cradle, we would now live probably in a rather pristine society. In the case of that, we can not stop our students due to this kind of realm is worthless at present.
论据呢？这段缺少论证中心。诸如：such field which is defined unlikely to succeed is hard to differentiate in the future. It is known to all that many pioneering works seem vagarious at a first brush.首先要给出一个和题目相紧扣的标志。之后的例子都是在说创造发明，而不是难题。at first glance是乍看上去，也不贴切。主要还是用词准确性问题。论证方面做得其实还不错，简例用排比的手法给出。

Thirdly, a misleading guide will result in the disappointment of students and kill their passion in keeping searching in their interesting area. Only by doing an experiment and focusing on the certain area, can the students form their own perspective of the subject and decided which kind of direction to follow. 为什么呢？Even if they may go in the wrong direction, by continually redirect their focus, they will get closer to the very truth. That is the very process of learning. Unreasonable stopping his research by giving an axiomatic reason that it can not be successful would set a block before him and eventually destroy a forming theory.这里就说的不好了。当发现失败了就会重新去调整自己的focus，其实侧面就说明了教育机构及时劝阻的好处，尽早让他们改正，不至于浪费时间。所以这里一个处理不注意就会掉入陷阱。个人建议最好换个侧面来进行论述，成功不是选择哪一领域就会获得的，而是在追寻成功的道路上不断的摸索而最终获得的，应该要给学生们累积经验的机会，诸如这种侧面的说法，成功的条件是过程的积累，而不是目标的选择。
Admitted, Educational institution should guild the students to arm the students in their future career.  However, there is other way more than just dissuade the students to engaging in a certain area. For example, they can serve as a gentle guider in giving some important information to the students such as holding a seminar for the same area scholar to exchange their ideas. Or they can help the students to make out a scientific schedule in order to help them full engage in the study.

All in all, in guiding the students’ study of fields, the role of the university should be an positive advisor rather than a negative commander.

总体上这篇文章还过得去。
不足：由于没有给自己一个明确的标志，让人找不到文章的出发点，这个比较致命。让人无从判断你的写作意图，究竟对这个问题是怎么样的一种看待。另外，正是由于大框架没有很好的整理，导致在body部分的分论点也没有很好地梳理出来，给人一种混乱的感觉。所以看到后来，也就有些糊里糊涂的了，结构性就不是那么地强，有些跳脱的感觉

huluhulufeiUID: 3050430

huluhulufei  提交六次  9月1号考， 望版主提点！
ISSUE 6 by huluhulufei.doc (12.42 KB, 下载次数: 5)

2012-8-21 19:34:21 上传

下载次数: 5

曦月UID: 3167572

曦月 8次 9.1
虽然尽力修改了，还是没思路，不知道写作要求是不是要求这样写，还是我理解错了

6 A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

提纲：
论点：有一定的道理，但很难实现，普及的同时不利于多样性的文化
1、普及基础教育，让更多的学生获得学习的机会，一些学科，比如数学，道德教育，是有必要统一的。另外学生的认知，导致他们不知道怎样选择课程，统一的课程，有利于管理，规划。9年义务教育。旧书可以多次利用，节省资源。相同的资源，考试会公平点，孩纸也不会因为不同的教育产生不好的情绪，大学开课也不会造成太大的差异。
2、整个国家统一课程很难实现。课程的范围。1、多民族国家，统一课程不利于稳定和谐，并且对当地文化带来伤害；2、国家的投入，有没有那么的教学资源，人力，财力等；3、课程到底是不是用，每个地区的差异，导致对要求的课程不一样，毕竟不是人人都可以接受到高等教育的.
3、教育的目的是什么？根据地区差异制定最合适的课程，尊重学生，家长的选择，有条件的地方，可以提供更多选择，没有条件，通过社会的帮助，尽量创造条件。

The speaker asserts that the students should study the same curriculum before they enter college in any regions of the country. Insofar as I agree that the uniform courses have certain helpfulness in improving the fundamental education. However, it would not be beneficial to the development of diversity culture. Indeed, it will restrict freedom education and damage ethnic harmony for a long time.

It is undeniable that the same national curriculum could make more children have chances to get study and share the same resources. And of course, some of them are necessary to the students. We all know that the same curriculum can be designed easily and reasonably because the government can focus its power and ally other countries to make it. The experts can use all the resources to design the most useful courses and revise them timely in order to satisfy the demands of society. In addition, the students are too young to know the courses what demand and useful in our society. In many cases, we always regret no one conduct us to choose courses and waste much time in useless courses when we are young. Furthermore, the same curriculum can make children master the common knowledge and feel respect and equality so that they could not disappoint require different levels of educations and avoid discriminations. This curriculum also makes a definite direct to the collage managers, establishing the courses, what is suit for students not beyond their abilities. Finally, no matter how the situation changed, some courses are constantly demanded by our society. Such as basic math, communicate skills, moral education and so forth. All of these are among our life. And how can we overlook them?

However, the same national curriculum is difficult to cover all the country and hard to fix its scope. First of all, as China, a multiracial country, for example, there are 56 ethnic groups, who have their own culture, in this country. If the country uses the same education, it would destroy the characters of locate, even cause conflict between the mainstream culture and minatory culture. Every ethnic has thousand years of history and belief ingrain in their blood, forcing them to abandon local education to study the same national curriculum, which will make them resist and break the country’s stead. Second, even if we all accept the same education, government is unable to practice this program in all the country. Because we need many teachers to master these courses and advance facilities to match this curriculum, how can make these things true? Some children live far from city and study in a low condition. It is difficult to them if some courses need to use internet to finish, but there are even either computers or wireless in these regions. Third, no society can make sure every student has chance to go college. How could the same national curriculum available to these students? In their opinions, the basic survive skills are more important than general knowledge.

Finally, what is the purpose of education? Ignore the intelligences of students but force them develop in the same way? I think education is a tool making us to know the world and helps us to inspire the interest. Studying the same curriculum eliminate our characters and lose images. The education is a long time project so that the nation is no need to study every nation study the same courses. When the government enacts the curriculum, they should consider the diverse culture, economic condition, religions, and so forth. And they also should respect the bias of students and require of parents. Only by supplying more freedom curriculums, can the students and parents have more passion to invest the education.

In sum, we need to discuss all mentioned above so that we can find what standard for an effective national curriculum. The speaker is arbitrary to make the conclusion that all the students should take the same course before college. The optimal choose, in my view, is to find a balance between the general education and local characters.

死胖子求上进UID: 3263681

死胖子+作文次数5+考试时间9.1
其实也没有改的太好，作文水品捉鸡献丑啦。感谢各版主了！ 8.11 I23 revised.doc (18 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2012-8-21 21:11:36 上传

下载次数: 3

xiesisiminervaUID: 2997765

蘅子 发表于 2012-8-19 21:32
楼主真心辛苦了~~问下18号以后就没有了吗？俺也9.1考，急的直冒汗啊

主贴已经更新了

红烧肉盘子UID: 3349191

红烧肉盘子。
请斑竹们拍砖
作业4篇

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

曦月 发表于 2012-8-21 21:00
曦月 8次 9.1
虽然尽力修改了，还是没思路，不知道写作要求是不是要求这样写，还是我理解错了

6 A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

在这里instruction非常清楚地给出了写作的提示要求，就是举出特例来对话题进行论证，你已经注意到了，这点很好。

提纲：
论点：有一定的道理，但很难实现，普及的同时不利于多样性的文化
partly disagree这里的理由不好。与多样性关系不大，整个课程并不知道是否为单一课程。而通常情况curriculum的涵盖面是很广泛的。很难实现为什么很难实现呢？个人觉得可以从宏观经济或者学生本身的问题上出发来思考，这样会更贴切些的。
1、普及基础教育，让更多的学生获得学习的机会，这点论据有误。一些学科，比如数学，道德教育，是有必要统一的。另外学生的认知，导致他们不知道怎样选择课程，统一的课程，有利于管理，规划。9年义务教育。旧书可以多次利用，节省资源。相同的资源，考试会公平点，孩纸也不会因为不同的教育产生不好的情绪，大学开课也不会造成太大的差异。
2、整个国家统一课程很难实现。课程的范围。1、多民族国家，统一课程不利于稳定和谐，并且对当地文化带来伤害；2、国家的投入，有没有那么的教学资源，人力，财力等；3、课程到底是不是用，每个地区的差异，导致对要求的课程不一样，毕竟不是人人都可以接受到高等教育的.
3、教育的目的是什么？根据地区差异制定最合适的课程，尊重学生，家长的选择，有条件的地方，可以提供更多选择，没有条件，通过社会的帮助，尽量创造条件。

看了下中文提纲，其实思路还是有的，大致的框架已经可以了。

The speaker asserts that the students should study the same curriculum before they enter college in any regions of the country. Insofar as I agree thatInsofa as I consider, the uniform courses have certain helpfulness in improving the fundamental education. However, it would not be beneficial to the development of diversity culture. Indeed, it will restrict freedom education and damage ethnic harmony for a long time.
开头一句，个人觉得存在些许问题。回看题目：A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.题目中主语是nation，students是作为宾语出现的。在整个事件中students应该是处于一种被动接受的状态。改写句子时不宜过多改动成分和状态，用被动会比较好些，students should be required to study the same....

First of all, It is undeniable that the same national curriculum could make more children have chances to get study and share the same resources. And of course, some of them are necessary to the students. We all know that the same curriculum can be designed easily and reasonably because the government can focus its power and ally other countries to make it. The experts can use all the resources to design the most useful courses and revise them timely in order to satisfy the demands of society. In addition, the students are too young to know the courses what demand and useful in our society. In many cases, we always regret no one conduct us to choose courses and waste much time in useless courses when we are young. Furthermore, the same curriculum can make children master the common knowledge and feel respect and equality so that they could not disappoint require different levels of educations and avoid discriminations. This curriculum also makes a definite direct to the collage managers, establishing the courses, what is suit for students not beyond their abilities. Finally, no matter how the situation changed, some courses are constantly demanded by our society. Such as basic math, communicate skills, moral education and so forth. All of these are among our life. And how can we overlook them?
这一段的问题就是你想写的东西太多了。只是一小段话，如此众多的论点，却没有有效地将其串联起来，显得有些杂乱无章，给人的感觉就是想到什么就往上扒拉扒拉，各种的furthermore，in addition之类的。就句子来说，这就是病句，另外，之后再另外的另外？写作之前首重理清思路。个人揣摩你的想法嘞，就是想先扬后抑，这段是想肯定下题目的意图吧。Students do should be required to take the same courses at an early age. Obviously, children in primary schools are very naughty and tend to playing games rather than taking classes. as a resut, it is hard for them to choose courses. 类似这种，根据instruction的提示，在特例中寻找特列来佐证就好了，并不要求面面俱到，只要特例。还可以说，太小的孩子们如何规划学习生活。在另一方面.....点不用多，两个足够，一主要，一辅助就好了，关键是要把例子说具体。

However, the same national curriculum is difficult to cover all the country and hard to fix its scope. First of all, as China, a multiracial country, for example, there are 56 ethnic groups, who have their own culture, in this country. If the country uses the same education, it would destroy the characters of locate, even cause conflict between the mainstream culture and minatory culture. Every ethnic has thousand years of history and belief ingrain in their blood, forcing them to abandon local education to study the same national curriculum, which will make them resist and break the country’s stead. 感觉有些文不对题吖。开头的论据表示difficult to cover all the regins of the country. 统一课程之后当地特色的一些文化会消失...是否有些不太恰当呢？这并不是很难普及的原因吧？段落中的论据与例证之间也是有联系的，都存在着顺序，这不是写散文，论据怎样的顺序，例证的时候就按照什么样的顺序来为好。为什么很难普及？这种举国性质的活动，需要政府投入大量的人力物力去实施，不是每个国家都能够有这个实力做到的，如美国，各州之间都是相对独立的个体，联邦政府很难这样强制性地去敢于当地政府的施政。这个时候可以在前面论证结束后做一个小的衔接，给出一个二级讨论，如：另外，这种统一课程是否有必要去实施？这里就可以使用你之前的例证了，即每个地区都有其独特的文化风俗，统一课程之后可能会不利于这些特色的传承，不利于民族的特性....之类的。每走一步都要做到有衔接，将文章连成一个整体。Second, even if we all accept the same education, government is unable to practice this program in all the country. Because we need many teachers to master these courses and advance facilities to match this curriculum, how can make these things true? Some children live far from city and study in a low condition. It is difficult to them if some courses need to use internet to finish, but there are even either computers or wireless in these regions. Third, no society can make sure every student has chance to go college. How could the same national curriculum available to these students? In their opinions, the basic survive skills are more important than general knowledge.

Finally, what is the purpose of education? Ignore the intelligences of students but force them develop in the same way? I think education is a tool making us to know the world and helps us to inspire the interest. Studying the same curriculum eliminate our characters and lose images. The education is a long time project so that the nation is no need to study every nation study the same courses. When the government enacts the curriculum, they should consider the diverse culture, economic condition, religions, and so forth. And they also should respect the bias of students and require of parents. Only by supplying more freedom curriculums, can the students and parents have more passion to invest the education.
个人不是很鼓励在这类特证题目将文章进行这种普遍性的升华。毕竟整个文章都不怎么牵扯到一般性的层面上，大多是针对特例进行讨论。这里不妨进行一个折中。统一教育要推行，但要有选择的推行。可以从学习程度上来划分，低学龄的可以统一教育，达到一定的程度后，可以让他们自主的选择未来的发展方向。

In sum, we need to discuss all mentioned above so that we can find what standard for an effective national curriculum. The speaker is arbitrary to make the conclusion that all the students should take the same course before college. The optimal choose, in my view, is to find a balance between the general education and local characters.

曦月UID: 3167572

咖啡盐 发表于 2012-8-22 00:01
6 A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they ent ...

斑斑大人~~你好给力啊~~
语言的不好孩纸容易混乱~~写着就开始词乏~~接着就木有想到例子~~然后就各自纠结理由了~~
还有10天~~有得救没~~

xiesisiminervaUID: 2997765

咖啡盐 发表于 2012-8-21 19:18
作为AW版出来的人，这个一定要顶...

:D感谢咖啡斑竹大力支持~~~

蘅子UID: 3300221

蘅子 5次 考试时间9.1
8.15issue-16 蘅子.doc (25 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2012-8-22 18:24:22 上传

下载次数: 1

这篇大家给的意见分歧很大，搞得有点没有方向了，不知道进一步怎么改了，还请斑斑指点。非常感谢啊~~~~

wang_come_onUID: 2158809

我能建议一下尽量直接贴在帖子里面，不要上传word吗。方便一点

tsaoyu991UID: 3207249

重贴一下，马上要考试了...
moland 9 9·1
这篇作文已经有童鞋提出过意见，我最近看新闻的时候又获得了一些灵感替换了其中的例子。
恳请各位版主，版友拍砖。
Issue 23
Governments should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
提纲
(+)对于科学研究过多的限制会限制学科的发展最后不利于整个国家的进步
（+）政府的职能使得它无法很好地做出适当的限制
(-)科学研究本身并非百利而无一害，完全没有限制同样会导致负面的后果

The speaker asserts that government should put fewer restrictions on scientific research and development. This piece of advice only evaluates the bad effect of restrictions, and apparently draws to an inaccurate conclusion. I must concede that too much restriction is hampering to the development of scientific research. But the absence of restriction may cause even dangerous consequence.

Unnecessary restrictions on scientific research and development do harm to scientific research. Government, whose duty is managing the society, may don't have comprehensive recognition to all the scientific fields. And their decisions are largely affected by the needs of governing. That is to say, there is a possibility that government enforces some ignorant restriction on scientific research by their own taste. Take USSR's restriction on the finical research as an example, this authority simply impede the research on the western economy development model that may conflict with its own finical policy. The consequence is apparent that in the last few years of this reign this country face a difficult time when they had to handle the finical crisis with little knowledge in this field. The unnecessary restriction on the finical research turned out to be a disaster for this country. There are still many examples that government's restriction on scientific research has bad effect in the end.

However, totally no restrictions on scientific research may cause serious problems too. The rapid development of technology brings us many problems in our society. As machine replaces human strength; coal have been digged out to push our world continuously; problems like pollution and noise haven't stopped bothering us since then. Nothing could be absolutely benign and scientific research is no exception. H5N1 virus known to be the most dangerous pathogens is of great of value to research for medical propose. Scientist are working day and nights to figure whether it could possible that transmissible from one to other as the seasonal flu. But unluckily, between 1978 and 1999 there were more than 1200 people infected from the labs. And labs worker deal with such virus exposed to the risk of infected by this virus. In this situation, government should put more restrictions on the research on H5N1 that protect us from infected by the virus that studied in the labs. Scientific research sometimes with good intention like this may turned out to be harmful is no restrictions are enforced.

The best way to improve the quality and efficient of scientific research is to remove some unnecessary restrictions while enforce some compulsive restrictions to keep scientific research in a good manner. Government should better take the advice from scientist and the public and decide the best to restrict on the scientific research.

clandeUID: 3245411

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谢谢版主了！！！

wang_come_onUID: 2158809

tsaoyu991 发表于 2012-8-24 21:58
重贴一下，马上要考试了...
moland 9 9·1
这篇作文已经有童鞋提出过意见，我最近看新闻的时候又获得了一 ...

我觉得写的挺不错的。论证挺清晰，语法和用词大体上没有太大问题
几个小建议
bad effect->adverse/negative effect
draws to an inaccurate conclusion->leads to ...
尽量别说ignorant restriction，这个词挺负面的
coal been digged out->coal have been mined
keep scientific research in a good manner->keep scientific research checked/under control
另外，我觉得你的观点是总体上支持对科学研究放松限制的，所以建议这个分论点写两段，后面说没有限制也不好的论点写一段。也就是说，在你文章第二段和第三段之间加一段