【独立写作】同题作文写作之【优文点评】

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

一切优文，回归OG:
因此，一楼的内容给OG，
先给优文一个标尺，才知如何评判。

How essays are scored?
Prerequisite: Do not write just to be writing; write to respond to the topic.

写作不仅仅是敲键盘，看着字数统计琢磨还要憋出多少话，谨记，写作时，有着回归题目，自行检查的意识。

Three principles:

Development
Development is the amount and kinds of support (examples, details, reasons) for your ideas that you present in your essay.
Uses a lot of words but fails to develop any real ideas;

发展任何论点，都回归内心的想要表达的观点。你的观点是什么，就应该选择什么样的写作纹路。

Organization
Be aware that just using transition words such as first or second does not guarantee that your essay is organized. The points you make must all relate to the topic of the essay and to the main idea you are presenting in response.

组织任何文章，都认真理理你的论据与论点如何搭配。不是用形式上的first, second, third...就可以说明逻辑清晰，框架清楚。

Language

不多说。只一句，输出大于输入，不，应该是，输出大大地大于输入。

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

沙发，作为优文目录：
1.  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.  3楼

2. Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals.  10楼

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

1.25 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.

ID:figuechen

I agree with the statement that money is a decisive factor in the establishment of friendship.

Many people believe that friendship requires equality, and the disparity in wealth will gradually ruin the friendship. I concede that the equality in money virtually promotes the formation of mutual emotions between two people, but I have to point out that money is not the sole prerequisite of equality, and there exists many other forms of equality, such as mutual interest and similar education background, that will eventually serve as significant factor in building up a friendship.

We have to recognize that friendship is an interpersonal relationship in which two people are forged a tight link with each other by something mutual or reciprocal. First of all, the catalyst towards friendship can be mutual interest. For example, two people attending the same interest group in the university have a higher tendency to become good friends. Such groups can be outdoor activities, or music appreciation, or simply literature reading. With mutual interest, communications between two individuals tend to be easier, and the gap between the two will be eliminated. Money is seldom involved as a significant factor in this kind of friendship. Who cares the other is wealthier when they enjoy reading together every week?

Second, mutual benefits can also be important when engaged in business staff. In these cases, business cooperators are more likely to become good friends because of the status and resources they own in the business field. For instance, a corporation leader can make a good friend with a journalist, with the help of whom he can reveal his positive figure to the public, while the journalist can write stories that exert fascination upon the readers. This is a typical example of a reciprocal friendship, and the business leader is unlikely to take economic status of the journalist into account. Other examples are the friendship between journalist and the head of a nation, or a poor painter and his wealthy supporter. Status and benefits are the major concerns rather than money.

In conclusion, a good relationship between two people is based on mutual interest or benefit instead of economic consideration. From this perspective, we can safe conclude that money seldom serves as obstacles in the way towards the friendship.

优文简析：
首先，审题后，文章Paragraph (P.)1 的Sentence (S.) 2的划线部分明确回答了题目问题。
再从OG的三个角度来分析：
Development:
两层论点发展，较充实具体，分别是：
第一层是：两个分论点：1. 友谊的一大基础是志同道合；2.友谊的另一大契机是互利互助。
第二层是：各分论点后的例子：1. 志同道合例子：两个大学生参加社团（详）、户外活动、文学交流、音乐赏析（略）。 2. 互利互助例子：领导和媒体，画家和他的赞助者。

Organization:
文章结构依照作者本身思路而来，较为自然流畅。 “世上本是没有模板，走捷径的人多了，模板才开始盛行。” 捷径较容易让人乏味。一旦模仿性写作的量一到，就应尝试创作自己的开头和结尾。
本文结构：
开门见山亮观点：除了钱，还有共同兴趣、相似教育背景等深刻影响两人友谊的建立。
两段叙述真实切：在利用First of all，Second等结构词的同时，文章基本上每个句子都做到了跟着上一句，不忘主题。
结尾简单复说明：文章简单复述，重申观点。有一个小问题是，作者在首段的客观陈述未能在尾端保持。本来经济基础相似也算建立友谊的前提之一，在尾端却把其排出。有一些顾头不顾尾。


Language:
用词简单流畅，不繁复冗长。
具体优点：显而易见，不一一陈述。

bookchenUID: 3051527

学习了＠＠＠＠＠＠

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

bookchen 发表于 2013-1-26 22:31
学习了＠＠＠＠＠＠

sodapengUID: 3242849

人工顶~~

kantongUID: 3290098

收藏

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

kantong 发表于 2013-1-27 00:32
收藏

:)

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals.

ID:idealguai
People now tend to refer to various dreams according to the possibility of dreams coming true, that is to say, dreams can be easily divided into two simple extreme categories: realistic ones and unrealistic ones. As life is only once for each individual, how to spend the life-time becomes a primary problem. Should people solely focus on achieving realistic goals or chasing ambitious ones no matter whether they are realistic or not? As far as I am concerned, I strongly support the idea of chasing the ambitious dreams even they are unrealistic because dreams offer us energy to do everything with enthusiasm, those unrealistic but ambitious ones are not realistic at the moment rather than forever, and merely concentrating on realistic ones may kill not only creative ideas but also ambitions which might lead to the suspend of technology progress and social development.

Ambitious dreams provide people with great motive and considerable impetus. Take John Nash, the founder of the theory of Nash equilibrium, for example, he is a famous mathematical genius and devote all his life on the dream of academic achievements which seemed rather unrealistic in his research field decades ago. Thanks to Nash's persistence, the theory of Nash equilibrium became well-accepted ultimately, and it has been and surely will go on playing an important role in numerous areas in both theory and application. What's more, as it is true for all scientific research areas, without those persistent dreams and seemingly crazy ideas, there would never be so much cutting-edge technology and all kinds of modern electronic products. Chasing the dream makes people full of limitless energy and great passion and drives them to be successful.

In addition, the definition of unrealistic is restricted by social development. Goals unrealistic now, to a large extent, might be realistic in the foreseeable future and this true fact should attract full attention. For example, for those living decades ago, it was totally impossible to command the cell phone just by sound; computers with no keyboards were incredible as well, not to mention the idea of operating computers and cell phone by fingers on the screen. However, we can simply realize all of them by iphone 4S and similar smart electronic goods today. Dreams may be unrealistic for a short period of time but, to a large extent, be realistic in the near future. Whether dreams are realistic or not should not be the obstruction that affect aspiring individuals.  

Finally but not the least, merely focusing on realistic dreams may impose restrictions on creative mind which is an critical prerequisite factor of technology progress and social development. As human brain possesses unlimited potential, without the drive of ambitious but unrealistic dreams, one day may come when the pace of human society development dramatically slow down.

In short, thanks to the ambitions of those beautiful minds like that of Nash, aspiring people, full of motivation, can exert themselves to realize great dreams leading to both scientific and social development


优文简析：

Development:

相比大众一点的三方面找理由，这篇文章的优点是三个段落论证很流畅。
1. Unrealistic dreams prompts techs and science.
2. Unrealistic dreams turns realistic in foreseeable future.
3. Merely focus on realistic dreams poses restriction on human creativity.

当一个题目拿出来的时候，往往大部分人能找到1、3两点，不过第二点相对比较隐蔽，作者的转化很到位。矛盾的两方面得到了转换，连接了两者，于是realistic和unrealistic之间有了逻辑上的关联，这时候抛出第三点，也不用再大书特书，点到为止就够了。

Organization:

说说本文另一个特点，就是第一段引介写得特别长。原因是作者把下面将要提及的三点先做出提要了。
这么写这么几个好处：
在建设每段内容之后，可以有个依据；相当于找到了三个圆心，剩下的只要规整地画好圆就行了。
另外，文章的结构也比较完整，事先把自己的东西抛出来，给人更深的印象。

不过这么操作也有相当的难度，一个是语言一定要够精简，能用最少的话表达好意思，防止累赘；另一个是要想的够快，能够把点想全并快速串起来。如果说论点只是三个分割没很多联系的论点，我觉得用这种开头只是罗列论点，更容易显得累赘。


还有一处值得一说，例证用的很好，而且论证扩散起来很广阔的感觉。这种情况下最常见的就是跑题，思路一奔跑起来难免刹不住车~
不过这篇文章在第二第三段的末尾，均做了收束。这点比较值得大家借鉴，而且请注意，这个收束可以简单地做总结陈词，然而仔细读这两句结尾，其实相较段首句子，内容上还是有略微的上升的，不过不要走得太远~

Language:

很赞就对了

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People who cannot accept criticism will not succeed in a team.

Id sillyds


People hold different opinions toward same issues and view them from different perspectives. Thus, there must be some approval and criticism in team discussions. But the problem of how to view criticism in a team has raised heated discussion among people. Some people worry that to blindly accept criticism from others may hide some good ideas while others hold that in most situations, criticism promotes progress. Personally speaking, I consider that to accept others’ criticism wisely is beneficial to success of both the person and the team.

Admittedly, some good ideas may be neglected or hindered to be expressed if one is afraid of and blindly accept criticism. Just imagine a situation that you discover a significant flaw in a popular business plan. Then you propose another compensation plan which most of your team members criticize about. Having yielded to the criticism, you give up the new plan and leave your team in the potential dangers of failure in running the business. In this case, it is unwise to accept criticism and your insistence can save your team from the lost. In order to avoid negative effects caused by group thinking, we should take a careful consideration before accept others’ criticism.

However, for most cases, criticism helps to perfect the plans or methods to complete different tasks of the team. It is criticism that urges people to reconsider and improve the business plans. Only when the criticism exists can the discussion become meaningful. During the discussion, team members get together to analyze the pros and cons of a proposal and thus recognize disadvantages of the proposal. In this case, criticism provides people inspiration and promotes thinking from new perspective. Therefore, to accept criticism is to absorb advantages from others’ opinions to perfect the plans and enhance one’s contribution and fame in a team.

Furthermore, to accept criticism is a matter of attitude. An appropriate attitude towards criticism can reflect one’s courage to face mistakes. To bravely admit and deal with mistakes, a person can learn from mistakes and make continual progress. It is a necessary process for one’s growing up to become successful. Also, a good attitude towards others’ criticism can promote cooperation of a team. Just imagine that one of your team members is always angry about or ignore others’ suggestive criticism. This would make other team members feel annoyed and are unwilling to provide any suggestions again. It destroys the team’s cooperation atmosphere and thus negatively affected its working performance. Also, the person’s bad attitude towards criticism does no good to his fame and relationships with others. Therefore, learning to wisely accept others’ criticism can show your respect to others and enable you to build a good impression.

In conclusion, to achieve success in a team, people should maintain good attitude towards criticism and wisely accept them for the purpose of absorbing advantages and seeking improvement.

立场： 第一段最后一句：很明确。

发展：
让步段所举的例子充分合适。 在团队合作下，如果你确定某个环节是有缺陷的，不能因为反对意见而妥协。

两个论点亦不重复：论点一、从计划本身来说，持批判态度有利于其整体的修正和完善； 论点二、从个人角度来说，谦虚纳谏是一个人的品质。 这两个论点角度转换巧妙。

classgrassUID: 2986786

版主辛苦啦，新年快乐。吃了年夜饭来细看。

bookchenUID: 3051527

辛苦了！！！！

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

topic：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement it is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it doesn’t affect your personal lives.

ID：可他妈学点习吧  

As the development of information technology has brought us tons of information every minute, we are surrounded by different news from every corner of the world. We are able to choose if we accept the information from everywhere just follow [following]our own will. And I think it is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it does not affect your personal lives at all.First, we are living in a world with various opportunities and incidents; you will never know the future, about what will suddenly become part of your life after a nap, a phone call or even some strangers you accidentally meet on the street[接在After后面，那么主语不太对，改成“你遇到陌生人”行了]. So no one can be sure that if something really will not affect your personal lives forever. Meanwhile, the sea of information is right there on the internet which you can get on through the computer, newspaper, even your cellphone. So why not just do some reading and get ready for the potential chances that might come to you anytime.

→构思挺好的，找到对立两方的联系，陈述了影响自己生活和不影响自己生活的信息是非绝对化的划分关系。但是后面的操作，不是特别容易；例子没有举得很好，或者说表述的还有不清楚的地方。

套用一个最近发生的真人真事，有个同学在跟dream school面试的时候那边教授突发奇想问了一个“你对钓鱼岛事件怎么看”，这些新闻和我们日常生活关系不大，但是有所了解的话面试就有的说，就能给对方更好的印象，拿到offer了。


Second, knowing more about the world gives you wider eyesight. Gradually, through reading about the news from different countries, areas, ethnics, and different culture backgrounds, you will no longer thinking [think]in a very limited pattern that you have been familiar [with]for many years. Sometimes, this vision changing will inspire people working or studying much more creatively. Also, knowing various cultures helps people dealing with friends or business partners from different places.

知道更多就会有更多感悟，认知水平提升之后遇事就更可能有远见。

Third, knowing more about the world will help you establishing the social network easier. As we know, starting with a smooth conversation can usually lead to a positive future relationship between strangers. And what you need as a basic element for a conversation is a topic that you both know. So if you posses a larger range of knowledge about the world, you will definitely have more chance to find something you can talk about with others. [这里要是能把论点再提高一下，利于发展人际关系从而利于职业发展就更好了。]Also, because the conversations that improve the personal relationship are mostly not very professional or technical, so it is better to know more areas than to know more details in one area.

→觉得这部分和本段主要的意思不太相容有一点扎眼，觉得可否改头换面一下用以说明其实每天花10分钟来了解这些知识并不难做到，因为并不需要非常深入的理解？个人意见，仅供参考

So, based on the reasons above, I think it is important to know about what is happening around the world no matter how far away it is from you. You might seize your future success by the 10 minutes reading everyday when you are relaxing after dinner.



结构上建议能把三四两段换一个顺序，个人感觉第三段应该是较题目论点更进一步的内容，可以放在最后当做引申内容。

论点上第一个地方比较巧妙，而且屡试不爽。记得上上周点评的文章里面也有这样的技巧，用的好的话应该会有加印象分。

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

100312NA Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? To make children to well at school, parents should limit the hour that a child spends on watching TV.Use specific reasons to support your answer.

Id:figuechen

In my opinion, the hour spent on watching TV by a child should be restricted by their parents.

Despite that TV indeed serves as a significant way for a child to learn and entertain, it cannot be denied that TV programs are no longer suitable for children who are attending school in term of guaranteeing their excellence in schoolwork.

First of all, in these days, TV programs are providing us with much waste information, which brings more defects than merits to our children. (objective)  One typical example is those entertainment programs, where guests imitate certain characteristics of some celebrities. These programs do not teach our children how to behave in society. Instead, they attach a top priority to improper behavior in order to catch the eyes of the audience. Another example is that some fashion programs focus on the appreciation of luxury, which might lead to orgies of overindulgence and overconsumption. Although different society values exist, the positive value, like morality, which is the mainstream of our society, should not be neglected. Accordingly, nothing should be spared to avoid children watching too many programs which are void of positive values. It is these positive values that ensure a solid foundation of well-being in school.

In addition, the blessing of the TV can completely be compensated for by other sources thanks to the advancing information technology. To begin with, some might argue that TV news are a indispensible part of our lives, while I oppose that we can get access to the news with the help of the Internet. In a similar way, many information and knowledge informed by TV can also be learned through the computer. What's more, the role TV plays in the entertainment value is being less important due to the appearance of PC games. These games are carefully selected, with both education and relaxation value for our children, while the educational levels of TV programs may vary, according to what has stated above. Last, if children give up watching TV and turn to books, they can obtain chances to acquire more knowledge, as well as lessons in history, which is a necessity for children to behave well in schools.

In conclusion, TV is no longer the sole way to entertain. To ensure that the children behave well in school, parents should restrict the hour a child spends on TV.

立场开门见山。
论点清晰。
陈述客观。
语言优美。
好文多看，不废话。