【独立写作】forestpencil作业贴

forestpencilUID: 2856323

classgrass 发表于 2013-2-12 16:14
anyway,改你的作文很有意思。
如果不介意下次还可以互改。

不好意思，很晚才看见你的回复，这几天在车上。。
我也觉得和你互改很有收获，不过我14号之后的还没有写，明天会重新动笔，到时互改，或者也可以改13好的，你觉得呢？

classgrassUID: 2986786

forestpencil 发表于 2013-2-17 22:10
不好意思，很晚才看见你的回复，这几天在车上。。
我也觉得和你互改很有收获，不过我14号之后的还没有写 ...

明天互改吧～

forestpencilUID: 2856323

leo_say 发表于 2013-2-14 18:11
楼主你的作文我真心表示改不来TT

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2013-2-17 22:26:50 上传

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抱歉！我这几天在外面，没上网，今天刚看你的论文。
拖了好几天了，囧。。

forestpencilUID: 2856323

classgrass 发表于 2013-2-17 22:24
明天互改吧～

好的！那就是17号的作文题对吗

classgrassUID: 2986786

forestpencil 发表于 2013-2-17 22:27
好的！那就是17号的作文题对吗

嗯，今天這道題。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

0217. Agree or not: most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are, so it is better to neglect advertisements when making purchasing decisions.

The number of advertisements is exploding--even when compared (It's not strictly wrong to use 'comparing', but I prefer 'compared', which makes 'compare' a proper transitive verb.) to the increasing market size (This doesn't quite make sense. Why would you compare the number of adverts to the size of the market? They are correlated, yes, but not 'comparable'.). When opening a mail box, scanning through a newspaper, turning on a television, walking along a street—we find advertisements everywhere. However, what is existing is not necessarily worthwhile (Very profound. But I don't see how this is relevant to your discussion since you didn't really specify what it means to be 'existing' and 'not worthwhile', in your context of advertisements.). Modern merchants are increasingly adepted ('Adept' in itself is an adj. meaning 'skillful'. Or you can say 'adapted', which means something else. But there's no such thing as 'adepted'.) at skillfully persuading people to buy their products via advertisements. To achieve this goal, they resort to emotional appeals, exaggerate the advantages and omit the shortcomings and potential risks of their products, so that the products in advertisements always seem more captivating than they really are. Therefore, it is better not to believe in advertisements when making purchasing decisions.(Both sentences in this question are debatable. Your opening paragraph, on the other hand, seems to take 'advertisements make products seem better than they really are' as a given and merely elaborated on a description of this point. You didn't really manage to paint a comprehensive picture, nor to provide any definite anchor point on what your opinion really is and how you're going to approach the discussion. In other words, you essentially hinted at 'I agree with the given statement' with a lot of empty flair which didn't really add useful information to your discussion. All these details about the proliferation of adverts or merchants being skillful at adverts are irrelevant to the actual question.)

Some advertisements stimulate demand by arousing emotional appeals of potential customers rather than providing any useful information to them. For instance, a cigarette advertisement may indicate that all people in the upper class like this type of cigarette, and that who consume it will become part of the upper class. By arousing people's desire for higher social status, it successfully promotes selling. However, the message this advertisement is hinting at is misleading: how can simply smoking a cigarette improve one’s social status? (Yeah, so? How is this whole thing relevant to your discussion then? You can't just stop after describing a scenario because your readers don't necessarily interpret a scenario as you would like them to if you don't tell them what this whole story means, at the beginning and at the end of your paragraph. A sub-point needs a closing sentence that relates back to your topic sentence, and ideally extends to the overall topic.)

Meanwhile, some people claim that advertisements do provide real information about products, and it is impossible to make consumption decisions before knowing the qualities of products (Again, these two parts don't really show a strong relevance to each other..). Admittedly, some advertisements provide information on products--but this information is also accompanied by exaggerations and tactful omissions so unrecognizably that (I'm confused as to what this 'that' is doing here. There's no need for another embedded clause. Also the use of 'unrecognizably' is rather dubious because you don't describe actions as 'unrecognizable'.) potential customers often mistake the latter ones for truth. For example, a watch retailer may provide information on a certain type of watch, and claim that it is imported from Japan. Customers tend to assume that watches made in Japan are generally of high quality, because the Japanese are known for their exacting attitudes towards work. However, in making such a claim, the merchant omits/leaves the fact that these watches are those that Japanese customers are unwilling to buy because of inferior quality or coarse appearance. By omitting essential information, this merchant is actually avoiding the truth without lying: even if his advertisement does not contain any word that is untrue, he is creating a false image of the products.

In addition, more alternatives in knowing products information are available. One of them is products comparison websites, which gather/collect customers' feedbacks on various kinds of products. Most of the time, customers do not have the motive/incentive to lie about product information, so their remarks are generally more reliable. There is no need to resort to advertisements since we customers can hardly tell what the true images behind the beguiling advertisements are.

总结：

你的句子拗口倒也算好，顶多就是分句嵌得比较厉害，描述成份层次比较多，而且经常是流水后置罢了，典型的比如这句However, in making such a claim, the merchant omits/leaves the fact that these watches are those Japanese customers unwilling to buy because of inferior quality or coarse appearance，一句话包下至少三句话的内容，而且对fact的具体描述不仅在后半部嵌套并且是流水，也就是说你的描述主题每过一层就变成上一层最后说的那个东西，从fact转到watches转到日本客户不买的原因。。而你的读者必须一边读一边弄清所有这些词句的层次，搞清后面部分是在解释前面部分，搞清后面哪个部分是在解释前面哪个部分，而且还要记住这个句子最终的意思再从小到大是怎么回上来的，最后弄清这整个表意过程实际上是从右往左来的（表的质量不好->日本顾客不买才换个国家卖->商户隐瞒的就是这个事实）。。这种右侧嵌套跟中文的左侧嵌套完全不一样，要读懂你这个句子必须在表意没有完成的情况下把整个句子的来龙去脉记在脑子里然后一边读一边脑补，很累的哦。。不是读惯这种长句的人谁受得了你全篇都是这样嘛。。

至于用词太大神马的上一篇给你指出过好几个了，其实不是说用词太大，只是很纯粹的大词没用对场合罢了。。

论述上从各个分论段单独看看不出结构，也属于流水型的，要看完全篇再回去看一次第一段才明白哦原来第一段的最后一句话不是表达意见而貌似是提纲+后面的三段貌似是根据这句话排的。。所说典型的要让读者很动脑筋才能读明白的文章就是这样了。。

classgrassUID: 2986786

那我也不在写作帖里回了，我跟你固定互改吧。

classgrassUID: 2986786

语言上基本没什么问题，就是写作时不够清晰。
看起来要分析你的论点有点吃力。多想想吧。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

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mpromanusUID: 2565872

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