【独立写作】forestpencil作业贴

forestpencilUID: 2856323

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mpromanusUID: 2565872

0211. It is important for government to protect wild animals and wilderness areas for the future generation. Do you agree?

From my perspective, it is not only important, but also vital for the government to protect wild species and wilderness areas, not only for the reason that protection of wild species and wilderness areas are of vital importance to our descendants (This is a very empty argument, not only because it just repeatedly says 'vital', but also because it doesn't really illustrate why and how things are 'vital'.), but only for that the private (I have no idea what this phrase means here. It's not even a proper noun phase. You probably meant something like 'the private sector', as opposed to the authoritative role of 'the government'..) often do so little in changing their extant (This means 'still existing despite being very old'. It doesn't just mean 'existing'. It's a word associated with historical records and antiques, not behavior.) behaviors that do harm to the wilderness even if they know the significance of the problem.

First of all, wild species as well as wilderness areas are fundamental constituents of the biosphere that we are in. If there is enough diversity of species, the biosphere will be more resilient to drastic climate changes. In other words, if most species are extinct, our environment will be too delicate to endure changes in the climate. This in turn will pose threat to the lives of humankind.(This reasoning is possibly more than sufficient for TOEFL standards, but seriously it doesn't quite make logical sense – why would the biosphere endure climate changes better if there's enough diversity, and vice versa? Why must a delicate environment threat humankind? You're assuming quite a bit of background knowledge on your reader's part here..)

In addition, many wild species are of high value. Cutting-edge researches in biology and medicine consist of those dedicated to extract constituents ('constituents' do not just mean 'components'. They usually have the implication that these components are distinct parts in the structure of a system that can be individually separated/attached.) from venom of scarce ('scarce' means something is not enough in quantity, as in, to satisfy the demand of it. It doesn't mean 'rare' or 'endangered'.) snakes, which may be useful in targeted paralyzing (Right. I think you mean 'local anaesthesia'..), inventing medicine for fatal diseases and so on. Wild plants are also a good source of potential medicine. Allowing these wild species to die out is letting go of a vast pool of treasure.

On the other hand, what private organizations and individuals have done to preserve endangered species and wilderness areas have been below optimal--and they will always be (Now that's getting a bit too strong.). That is because the costs of private protection always outweigh the benefits they themselves can obtain (Arguably not 'always'. At least, a positive public image matters a lot to many people/organizations.); more benefits are enjoyed by the general public who do nothing (I don't get how this bit is relevant to the previous sentence. What does it mean to 'do nothing'? What does it mean to enjoy 'more benefits'? What kind of benefits anyway?). Given this, it is reasonable for individuals and organizations choosing to free-ride, that is, enjoying unlimited use of industrial products that can pose harm to the wilderness while having their faults remedied by others. What the government does is to collect funds from the public by enforcement and carry out protection procedures in the name of policy. By this approach, it is actually the general public who pay for what they do to the wilderness areas and species--quite a fair deal.

What's more, even though there ARE some non-profit organizations and individuals willing to do protect the environment, they sometimes fail to execute big projects because they cannot collect the amount of money as that collected by the government.(Often the richest charities/foundations, just as the best universities, are actually private. Yes, the government may indeed gather more money, but that doesn't mean it will actually spend more money on environmental protection or whatever, than a private charity will..)

In sum, government intervention in protecting the wilderness areas and species is necessary.(The question specifically asked for 'for the future generation'. Your essay didn't sufficiently deal with this bit..even though you arguments for the importance of government action do hint at it.)

总结：

论述和语法都相当强大但是有些用词请特别注意，近义词之所以为近义词就是因为意思相近但不一样，所以在用高阶近义词的时候请特别注意context。。还有就是题目里特别提到for the future generation，所以你的论述要有明确地针对这一点的部份，而不是一直都只注意环境保护的部分。。

classgrassUID: 2986786

改好了。
你的作文读起来是最难看懂的。
我的语法都是自然主义式的，所以没太详细给你语法上的建议

forestpencilUID: 2856323

classgrass 发表于 2013-2-12 16:01
改好了。
你的作文读起来是最难看懂的。
我的语法都是自然主义式的，所以没太详细给你语法上的建议

啊啊。。抱歉！是因为逻辑不顺，语法不通或者用词不当么？

forestpencilUID: 2856323

classgrass 发表于 2013-2-12 16:01
改好了。
你的作文读起来是最难看懂的。
我的语法都是自然主义式的，所以没太详细给你语法上的建议

仔细看了你的批改~很仔细呀，点到了很多我没注意到的问题
我确实习惯用太大的词；而且有时说得有点架空，反复讲同一个意思没有内容的推进。
谢谢啦！  待会我去改你那篇~

forestpencilUID: 2856323

mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-12 09:41
0211. It is important for government to protect wild animals and wilderness areas for the future gen ...

开眼界了，老师你对逻辑和用词都抓得很细!受益匪浅，太谢谢你啦！

classgrassUID: 2986786

forestpencil 发表于 2013-2-12 16:03
啊啊。。抱歉！是因为逻辑不顺，语法不通或者用词不当么？

没什么好抱歉的啊。
逻辑不顺会有一点，上下文的联系不是特别的紧密。另外一个很重要的原因是长句子太多了，不是说长句子不好，而是因为你思维比较中式所以我读起来感觉比较吃力。抱歉语法上面我帮不了太多，因为我没有系统地学习过这个。我是觉得读起来顺的作文更好，不过你能有意识地用复杂句跟其他手法就很不错了。这样提高之后就能到很高的分数。

classgrassUID: 2986786

anyway,改你的作文很有意思。
如果不介意下次还可以互改。

forestpencilUID: 2856323

classgrass 发表于 2013-2-12 16:13
没什么好抱歉的啊。
逻辑不顺会有一点，上下文的联系不是特别的紧密。另外一个很重要的原因是长句子太多 ...

思维中式具体是指哪些方面呢，可以结合我写的那篇举举例子吗？
这样我也许可以知道怎样改进，谢谢啦~

daigualuUID: 3401736

改的有点晚了

bookchenUID: 3051527

句子有点变扭，代词指代不清楚~

leo_sayUID: 3410961

楼主是考过gre吗？

forestpencilUID: 2856323

leo_say 发表于 2013-2-14 03:27
楼主是考过gre吗？

嗯，半年多前考的。带了很多毛病啊，滥用大词什么的

leo_sayUID: 3410961

forestpencil 发表于 2013-2-14 08:04
嗯，半年多前考的。带了很多毛病啊，滥用大词什么的

哈哈 我还没考过g 楼主果然用大词把我忽悠住了 感觉我没有能力评价你的作文 真是抱歉

leo_sayUID: 3410961

楼主你的作文我真心表示改不来TT