外教批改作文说要精良clean and concise，很多结构都被删了，想问他的这种理念对吗？

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外教批改作文说要精良clean and concise，很多结构都被删了，想问他的这种理念对吗？不是要求句式和结构要多样吗？大神们给些意见吧！！！

这是我写的原文
These days there is a a growing tendency for major cities to build up modern buildings .Some people hold the belief that we should not give up traditional styles while the others advocate that we shall catch up with the culture of the world and continue to build more buildings of modern styles .It can be understood that opinions vary from people to people due to background differences and it would be a little bit rush to simply justify which side is more sounding.

Most obviously ,it is a worldwide trend to build in modern styles .Normally ,modern buildings are stylish and with unique design .They are extremely beautiful and usually become the landmark of the city . Furthermore ,equipped with modern equipments like elevators and large pieces of glasses ,it is comfortable and convenient to work or live in modern buildings ,especially for the young generation who have to face huge pressure from their work or study .In addition ,buildings in modern styles can convey the beauty of contemporary culture ,which has been considerably influenced by modern world .People who stand in front of the tall and remarkable modern masterpiece of human technology would be greatly impressed because of the culture they express.

However ,some people believe that it is our responsibilities to keep the traditional building styles because ,in their opinion(I am not sure),traditional styles of buildings are just part of our traditional culture and history ,which will express the ways of living from our ancestors to our offspring .Besides ,a large amount of traditional buildings may contribute to the development of local economy by attracting people from outside the city to visit there because more and more cities have lost their traditional symbols.

In conclusion ,when all factors are considered ,we may safely draw to the conclusion that although traditional building styles enjoy some advantages ,comparatively speaking ,I would prefer to build more buildings in modern styles.

这是老外修改后的：

These days, major cities build a lot of modern structures. Some people hold the belief that traditional styles should not be given up while the others advocate that it is just right to catch up with the culture of the world and adapt modern styles in our buildings. Opinions vary from people to people due to background differences, and it would be a little bit of a rush to justify which side is more sound.

Obviously, building modern structures is a worldwide trend. Nowadays, buildings have stylish and unique designs. Extremely beautiful, they usually become landmarks of the city. Furthermore, with modern equipment like elevators and strong materials like large pieces of glass, buildings are safer, and more comfortable and convenient to work or live in. In addition, buildings in modern styles can convey the beauty of contemporary culture influenced by modern world. These tall and remarkable modern masterpieces of human technology are truly impressive.

However, some people believe that it is our responsibility to keep the traditional building styles because they are part of our traditional culture and heritage that express our identity. Besides, traditional buildings also contribute to the development of local tourism and economy by attracting people from other countries to visit and learn about our culture.

In conclusion, we may safely draw the conclusion that traditional building styles have advantages and should be preserved for their cultural value; however, comparatively speaking, I think that having more modern buildings is also beneficial to people to adapt to a fast changing world.