issue48,历史，谢谢提一些意见，感激！

lq8186UID: 148901

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."



When we pay attention to look at some of history books and stories, we

can see clearly that most of them are depicting those historic individuals in

detail and vividly. However few of thememphasize on the effect of the

ordinary people. In my opinion, we should not only tout those great

individuals, but pay enough attention to groups of people whose identities

would be forgotten if we do not.




Undoubtedly, historic individuals played an undeniable role in creating

historic events. Some of them lead African-Americans who were

discriminated by some racists to take actions to have

their own lawful rights. Some of them called on women to stand up to fight

for their equal status and  rights with men. And some of them sided with

some peasants and farmers who were deprived by their landowners to

have their own land and privileges. One of the reasons that these

historic individuals can succeed in leading such tremendous and immortal

events is that these individuals are often preconscious of some important

things and have the courage and intelligence to make their dream come

true. Martin Luther King, for instance, who had his dream to make all

people with different colored skin equal and then pursue for it persistently

is a good example. While these person's contributions to our society and

their role in history are important, we can not neglect our human mass's

role and contributions to our whole history.




Without those ordinary people, historic individuals we have mentioned

above are very likely not able to succeed in their enterprises. In the first

place, ordinary people form the mainstreams and forces to precipitate all

historic events. Imagine there are only a few of elite leaders and great

individuals, how could they accomplish their goal such as overthrowing a

conservative and corrupted government? How could they have enough

power and force to defeat intruders and found their own democratic

countries? Since individuals' power is too little to make historic events,

ordinary mass are indispensable. Secondly, ordinary people give their

leaders who are great individuals in history some practical and useful

suggestions in the process of their campaigns. Thus leaders can utilize

some useful things and find their own defects and faults and the result is

obvious that they can improve themselves and increase their chances to

succeed. In the World War II, many leaders who became famous and

historic persons after that war always would like to hear suggestions from

their subordinates and ordinary mass so they could work more effectively

to make strategies and plans for their fighting. At last, like fountain without

source would go dry, individuals without groups of other people might

diminish their power and courage to let their dream come true. A monitor in

one class would hesitate to take actions and perform some activities if he

or she lose the support of other students, let alone those historic persons

without the credence and support of ordinary people.



Therefore, on the one hand, we should evaluate impartially the role and

significance of those great individuals who have promote the process of

history. On the other, we should know and let our offspring as well know

the role of ordinary people who are "real creator of history" in Marx's view.

木耳UID: 123036

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."



When we pay attention to look at some of history books and stories, we can see clearly that most of them are depicting those historic individuals in detail and vividly. However few of them mphasize on the effect of the ordinary people. In my opinion, we should not only tout those great individuals, but pay enough attention to groups of people whose identities would be forgotten if we do not.(if we do not 似乎显得不太明确)
开头不错.

Undoubtedly, historic individuals played an undeniable role in creating historic events. Some of them lead African-Americans who were discriminated by some racists to take actions to have their own lawful rights. Some of them called on women to stand up to fight for their equal status and rights with men. And some of them sided with some peasants and farmers who were deprived by their landowners to have their own land and privileges. (这些例子都不错,只不过那么多some of them 看着总是不舒服.不点名具体是谁,感觉好像是你编出来似的.例子优势或不再量的多少,而是在于是否恰当,是否具体深刻.最好下点功夫查一些很具体的人物再详细一点写出来)One of the reasons that these historic individuals can succeed in leading such tremendous and immortal events is that these individuals are often preconscious of some important things and have the courage and intelligence to make their dream come true. Martin Luther King, for instance, who had his dream to make all people with different colored skin equal and then pursue for it persistently is a good example.(for instance 和 example 重复了.这个句子再重写一下) While these person's(用复数) contributions to our society(复数) and their role(复数) in history are important, we can not neglect our human mass's(our human mass's?没见过这样的说法 用ordinary people吧) role and contributions to our whole history.

总的来说不错,逻辑清晰,语言也没有大的问题
只是前面的太长了,后面的具体事例又有些短.改一下.

Without those ordinary people, historic individuals we have mentioned above are very likely not able to succeed in their enterprises. In the first place, ordinary people form the mainstreams and forces to precipitate all historic events.(这句话好像没有谓语) Imagine there are only a few of elite leaders and great individuals, how could they accomplish their goal(复数) such as overthrowing a conservative and corrupted government? How could they have enough power and force to defeat intruders and found their own democratic countries? Since individuals' power(individuals'是复数,容易引起误解以为是大众的力量.改成 a few elites) is too little to make historic events, ordinary mass are indispensable. Secondly, ordinary people give their leaders who are great individuals in history some practical and useful suggestions in the process of their campaigns. Thus leaders can utilize some useful things and find their own defects and faults and the result is obvious that they can improve themselves and increase their chances to succeed.(useful things and find their own defects and faults and the result 太多 and了.太长的句子有时显得逻辑不清,改写一下吧.) In the World War II, many leaders who became famous and historic persons after that war always would like to hear suggestions from their subordinates and ordinary mass so they could work more effectively to make strategies and plans for their fighting.(这里犯了和上面一样的问题:例子空泛,没有说服力.可能你真是肚子里没货了.这样的情况到了考场上市再没有例子可以原谅,但练笔的时候一定要力求完美)At lastst, like fountain without source would go dry, individuals without groups of other people might diminish their power and courage to let their dream come true. A monitor in one class would hesitate to take actions and perform some activities if he or she lose the support of other students, let alone those historic persons without the credence and support of ordinary people.

第三点和第一点有些重复.其实都是在讲大众的支持.其实没有必要非要列三点,这样反而显得这一段太长,有些罗嗦.

还是例子的问题,不必要举很多的例子.只要能充分说明问题,有时一段一个例子就够了.还有,举例子要尽量具体.严格的说你的大部分"例子"不能说是例子,只能说是列举了一种可能的情况.

Therefore, on the one hand, we should evaluate impartially the role and significance of those great individuals who have promote the process of history. On the other,(这里的hand可以省吗?我不太清楚) we should know and let our offspring(复数) as well know the role of ordinary people who are "real creator of history" in Marx's view.


总的说写的很不错,可以看得出你的思路很清晰,这是非常关键的.语言上没有很漂亮的句子,但也中规中矩,可以达到要求了.

关键是例子,有些空泛了.

lq8186UID: 148901

非常感谢木耳大人！其实这篇文章我用了80分钟才写完的，现在总是感觉限定的时间内根本完不成一篇文章，主要是写的时候想写什么的过程很耽误时间，虽然有了整体框架，可是到具体的每一段每一句就会想很长时间！！！郁闷ing