有請各位前輩給小妹的作文指教

linda71527UID: 151327

Topic48
People work because they need money to live. What are some other reasons that people work? Discuss one or more of these reasons. Use specific examples and details to support your answer.

     People work for various reasons that the main one is to support their live.However there are still other reasons(causes) why people need to work, such as achieving their goals, retuning to the society and spending their time.
     For some ambitious people, their job is one kind of opprtunities to practice their ideals which may have imbedded into their heart for a long time. The best qualified example is involved in artists. Through their brain-draining works can they emit their emotion and sensitiveness about the circumstances or the world and can express their thoughts or perspectives of events.
     Moreover, some people obtaining fame, wealth and position or merely receiving assistance from charities or the society when they were in a predicament that what is taken from the society is used in the interests of the society. Therefore, they spend parts of their time working for the society in order to repay to the society which has ever stretched out the helping hand. The most common role is to be a volunteer for a hospital to serve other patients or family members who need help and information or their community to maintain the security and sanitary.
     In addition to making their dreams come true and representing gratitude for the society, some people regard work as time-killer because they will lose the life gravity if they do not go to work, especially those retiring from former jobs. Without work, they can do nothing but watch TV, walk along the street or visit their friends.Accordingly they prefer to work rather than pass time fruitlessly so that they can gain not only the value of lives but also the meanings of live .
     It is difficult to enclose any possible reason why people work besides need to live. However, from where I stand, to accomplish their dreams, return to the society and spend their leisure time are other factors why people have to work.  


這一篇很努力的寫了五段....
可是我在30分鐘內都會寫的很急...也沒時間多想些什麼...
寫出來的字都很普通..句字也不是很優美...
光想內容不要中斷我就很趕了...
如果哪些地方不對需要改進...請大家告訴我...謝謝唷!!
非常感激大家的意見..

treesUID: 82785

总体感觉不错。

问题：
1。注意句子要长短搭配。都比较长就会让人有想跳读的感觉。你后边想的例子可能不被看就过去，是很亏的。

2。第3个方面挺有新意的，但是感觉有点。。。，碰到不同的阅卷人可能会看法不一致。

3。结尾虽然是最不重要的部分，句势用的较多，但内容和写法比较保守。

4。注意例子要用实例，这个是我认为最大的问题。不要总是somebody如何如何。这样的不算“实”例。

总体，不错，练习练习：）

linda71527UID: 151327

謝謝您的建議...
我會多多小心的...繼續努力....