Issue128, 请看看，指点一下，大侠使劲批，看看我有进步吗？谢谢！！

runwowUID: 153630

128"It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."


The speaker concludes that formal education has bad effect on our minds and spirits and restrain us. At first glance, this statement seems to be somewhat appealing, however, according to personal experience and respective angles I conclude that although formal education sometimes have somewhat strength on restraining our minds and spirits on the surface, it is helpful for us to free our potential in the long run. In the following discussion, I would like to provide evidence to illustrate my standpoint.

To begin with, the most important reason I want to mention to develop my point of view is that formal education set people get analytic and creative ability. Benjamin Franklin, American president, had said "Genius without education like in the mine." It is true that most man need formal education, if we receive formal education, it makes us not only know what is the world, how is the past, but what will be like in the further. During formal education procedure, we can see more and intrigue to ask more, think more, what is the most important thing that formal education gives us, thus our analysis and creation is improved. As what Francis Bacon, a British philosopher, had said" Histories make men vise; poem witty; the mathematics subtle; natural philosophy deep; moral grave; logic and rhetoric able to contend." Thereby, formal education is a good tool for us to improve our analysis and creation.

Furthermore, from a practical point of view, to free people's minds and spirits, analysis and creation do play an important part on it. In order to strengthen my standpoint, let us see an example: Copernicus, a polish astronomer, who advanced the theory that the earth and other plants revolve the sun, disrupting the Ptolemaic system of astronomy. However, nearly all people believe the earth is the central before Copernicus' creative analytic theory and Copernicus changed the world, set people minds and spirits free. Under this condition, it is obvious that analysis and creation play an important part in freeing people's minds and spirits.

Last but not the least, we have to pay attention that it is true, sometimes, formal education restrains people's minds and sprits. To see it clearly, a case is not far to seek: Two thousand years ago, if people learned from Aristotle, a Greek philosopher, they would have been told that different object with different weight, which was dropping at the same time, got a different speed. People would accept it and nobody would doubt it for Aristotle's authority. But the theory was proved to be wrong by Galileo many years later. It is true we always fully believe what we are educated and authorities' theories, thus we lack doubt spirit and confidence to challenge. There are many other examples, such as our formal education once told us that we could fly out of the earth. As a result, we can see it our minds and spirits sometimes are restrained by formal education.

In conclusion, on the basis of reasons and analysis mentioned above, which sometimes correlate each other to form an organic whole and thus becoming more believable than any single one. As a result, any thinking people must arrive at the conclusion that education might sometimes have bad effects and restrain our minds and spirits in a short time, but as a mater of fact, it does not true in the long run.

poohUID: 146994

It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free."


The speaker concludes that formal education has bad effect on our minds and spirits and restrain us. At first glance, this statement seems to be somewhat appealing, however, according to personal experience and respective angles I conclude that although formal education sometimes have somewhat strength（have strength on sth. 有这种用法？别扭的说） on restraining our minds and spirits on the surface, it is helpful for us to free our potential in the long run. In the following discussion, I would like to provide evidence to illustrate my standpoint.(感觉开头像argument,是不是加点背景过渡一下比较好)

To begin with, the most important reason I want to mention to develop my point of view is that formal education set people get（此句不通se people get sth.? ） analytic and creative ability. Benjamin Franklin, American president, had said "Genius without education (少is 吧，莫非Franklin 也会出这种错)like in the mine." It is true that most man need formal education, （这是另一个句子了）if we receive formal education, it makes us not only know what is the world, how is the past（从句应该用正常语序吧）, but what will be like in the further. During formal education procedure, we can see more and intrigue（intrigue用被动） to ask more, think more, what is the most important thing that formal education gives us, thus our analysis and creation（creation指的是创造物，不准确，不如改为：analytical and creative thinking ） is improved. As what Francis Bacon, a British philosopher, had said" Histories make men vise; poem witty; the mathematics subtle; natural philosophy deep; moral grave; logic and rhetoric able to contend." Thereby, formal education is a good tool for us to improve our analysis and creation.论证方面，我认为力度还不够，重点应该在学校formal education是怎样开发学生的分析能力和创新能力的，而你所引用的Bacon的话像是在打擦边球，因为他所说的没有特指学校教育，且他的重点是在general. 当然我有些苛刻，我自己也未必做到，你写的还不错，除了语法上的问题。

Furthermore, from a practical point of view, to free people's minds and spirits, analysis and creation do play an important part on it. In order to strengthen my standpoint, let us see an example: Copernicus, a polish astronomer, who advanced the theory that the earth and other plants revolve the sun, disrupting the Ptolemaic system of astronomy. However, nearly all people believe the earth is the central before Copernicus' creative analytic theory and Copernicus changed the world, set people minds and spirits free. Under this condition, it is obvious that analysis and creation play an important part in freeing people's minds and spirits. 这段怎么给跑题了，issue的重点在formal education.

Last but not the least, we have to pay attention that it is true, sometimes, formal education restrains people's minds and sprits(minds and sprits重复太多了，改换换词了). To see it clearly, a case is not far to seek: Two thousand years ago, if people learned from Aristotle, a Greek philosopher, they would have been told that different object（s） with different weight(s), which was(were) dropping at the same time, got a different speed. People would accept it and nobody would doubt it for Aristotle's authority. But the theory was proved to be wrong by Galileo many years later. It is true we always fully believe what we are educated and authorities' theories, thus we lack doubt（doubt不好，改为questioning） spirit and confidence to challenge. There are many other examples, such as our formal education once told us that we could fly out of the earth. As a result, we can see it our minds and spirits sometimes are restrained by formal education. 我觉得你自己在思路上不是很清晰，没有深入的认识问题，你的正文的一三段虽说是说了两种情况，举了两个不同的例子各自证明分论点，可是为什么会有这两种不同的现象呢？同样是学校教育为什么一个启发人一个束缚人呢？我认为是学校对于学生独立思考和质疑精神的态度不同，一个有自由的空间，另一个却加以束缚。你没有点明白，所以深度就不够。

In conclusion, on the basis of reasons and analysis mentioned above, which sometimes correlate each other to form an organic whole and thus becoming more believable than any single one.（这句没看懂） As a result, any thinking people must arrive at the conclusion that education might sometimes have bad effects and restrain our minds and spirits in a short time, but as a mater of fact, it does not true in the long run.结尾写得不好，错误太多，且不明确。你应该再将分论的理由概括一下，这样给读者一个完整的印象。整篇文章没有连贯性，开头和结尾所说的in the short time,  in the long run 在正文里跟本没提到，你的重点到底在哪里呢？你是要从眼前和长远来论证？还是要从局部来论证？
另外，后三段的语法问题没有一一给你指出，问题实在不少，自己好好总结吧。我所说得也只是我自己的看法，可能也不全面，努力吧！

runwowUID: 153630

谢谢你pooh!
语法错误是多了点（其实我发表前己作了改正），你是在吐血吧！！！！本人平时写得少加上个性中有一点粗。

body第二段跑题吗？有点异议，我的思路：body:第一段说学校教育使人creative and analytic,
第二段说要free our minds and spirits 我们需creative think and analytical.对于这个分论点我用另一种说法或许好些：if man want to free their minds and spirits,they need a tool that analytical and creative thinking .

另外比较同意你的“同样是学校教育为什么一个启发人一个束缚人呢？我认为是学校对于学生独立思考和质疑精神的态度不同”，“整篇文章没有连贯性，开头和结尾所说的in the short time, in the long run 在正文里跟本没提到，你的重点到底在哪里呢？你是要从眼前和长远来论证？还是要从局部来论证？”

我要再修改修改，再次谢谢！