独立作文 求改正意见

jayhUID：2292696

周日就考试，这几周练了近20篇作文吧，自己觉得主要问题就是写得慢偶尔会超时而且字数也不够多，一般就将近400字
短时间不可能怎么提高了，贴点才写的，请大家指出写作的问题，我好改正，谢谢。
你指出问题就行，如果你能帮助修改就更感谢了。

Younger school children (ages five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math language, science and history.


It is a widely debate among parents over whether the children in primary school should study art and music. Some of parents send their children to training class of art and music. They believe that the art and music class would gives the children a comprehensive knowledge besides social science and nature science course provided in school. There is no doubt on the importance of a comprehensive and all-round development for children.

To learn art and music could help children broaden their knowledge and background which is significant for their development in future. The more skills, the more advantages. They would have a better background and stronger ability compared with those children who have no experience in this field. This should benefit them in competition with students in school. Further the students who have a broad knowledge from art and music to science and engineering are preferred for companies. Even there would be an advantage in job hunting. My brother studies piano from his primary school and he gets several awards from some performances and contests. He is enrolled by a famous middle school later because of his excellent skills in music. That is a specific example for benefits from learning art and music.

To learn more subjects help children find their future careers. Many students feel a little bit confused when choosing major course in High School or college. We cannot know what we truly like until we experience it. To learn art and music provides more choices for children to find their interest and future career. Some talent children may get a chance to show their interest and inborn genius in these fields. Many examples of famous musician tell us that they show their extraordinary music talent when they are very young. So learning art and music is an important opportunity for children to exhibit their shinning points.

In addition, as the heavy pressure in school, learning art and music help children relax and relieve themselves. Drawing, singing or playing instruments could become their new hobbies. In the spare time, they enjoy such activities with friends which brings joys and happiness to them.

From all discussion above, we cannot agree anymore with significance of learning art and music for school children. And it is necessary and beneficial to require them to study art and music in school.

jayhUID：2292696

求写作意见，谢谢

luketc3580UID：3369182

第一个例子并不strong，第二个例子你完全可以提出几个音乐家的名字，详细介绍一个，不是比你这样写好很多
第三个观点篇幅太小，不如去掉，换一个让步段
结尾也可以总结一下你的观点再得出结论
也有一些语法问题，就不一一指出了


建议加入写作小组，或者版里在搞一个版主改作文的活动，也可以参加，自己找一下吧~

Good luck

jayhUID：2292696

luketc3580 发表于 2013-9-25 19:18
第一个例子并不strong，第二个例子你完全可以提出几个音乐家的名字，详细介绍一个，不是比你这样写好很多
...

谢谢你的意见

ZTreeUID：3165682

不好意思，看完你的开头段我压根没看出来你是agree还是disagree。托福独立这种作文最好第一句话就把你的立场拍出来，哪怕你是两边倒折中路线的也要一开始就说出来I argue for a balanced view之类的
前两个论证段都有硬伤
第一段the students who have a broad knowledge from art and music to science and engineering are preferred for companies真心没看出来。你如果说学习艺术有助于提高审美品味陶冶情操结交好友甚至钓到妹纸的话我都同意，但是除了特定的行业比如表演设计之类的以外这些东西跟找工作没关系。工作需要的是expertise
第二段 To learn art and music provides more choices for children to find their interest and future career.这里你颠倒了因果。很多人之所以有艺术的成就是因为他们小的时候显示出了天赋至少是爱好然后才去学习的，而不是反过来。

jayhUID：2292696

ZTree 发表于 2013-9-25 23:42
不好意思，看完你的开头段我压根没看出来你是agree还是disagree。托福独立这种作文最好第一句话就把你的立场 ...

仔细又看了下，开头段确实表达不够直白。论证点也的确应该写更清楚一点，第一点提到company是有点勉强。第二点是想表达多学习其他领域的东西才可能发现自己的兴趣和才能，不接触的话就没发现的机会，想来例子应该改个更具体的
谢谢你的意见