独立作文求批改

AlanBuptUID: 3433124

今天写了一篇独立作文，望版上大神给些意见，还有10天就要考了。谢谢了！
Agree OR disagree, in order to succeed, you should be more likely others than be different from everyone else.

Success is often nurtured in the minds of people who have creative thoughts and dare to challenge the old pattern of things, so I agree that people are more likely to be successful with a different thinking pattern from others.

First, the world admires new things that can refresh their old perspectives. New things have some kind of spell that makes it irresistible and alluring. Apple's products can best demonstrate this idea. Without doubt, Apple's products are different from other electronic products, from the shape and form of the appearance, to the operating system, Apple always have its unique properties and designs that make it stand out among thousands of competitors. The reason why Apple is so successful is because of its uniqueness, and its uniqueness is ingrained in its long-held ideal, that is "Think differently".

People may say innovation is dangerous, because it has certain risk of failure, and it's true. Acting differently and thinking differently don't always have a satisfactory outcome, but conforming to the old pattern only also can't be a path to success. Take Jackson Pollock as an example, the famous painter who invented drip painting wasn't successful in the beginning, people didn't see any sparkles in his new way of drawing at first glances, because in their eyes his way was far too free, without restriction, and certainly can't fall into the authoritative category of great art. However, the shadow, the light and the rough brushes are blended so harmoniously despite its unrestrained spontaneity, people finally realized his talents, his innovations and his capacity of making difference into uniqueness and finally into success.

Not confined to art and technology, Thinking in a different way also can save a country successfully. Consider Roosevelt, he thought differently, and implemented policies that were never thought possible by other politicians, and such different perspectives of him save America from the Great Depression. Almost in every area, we need different voices, different perspectives and different actions, because this is a world full of possibilities, we should know that success lies ahead of people who dare to challenge the established principles.

Success is so fascinating and alluring that most people wants to easily follow the way of people who already succeed, however, it's not the essence of how to success, the most striking thing about success is to find the uniqueness of yourself, and that’s enough.

luketc3580UID: 3369182

写的很赞~
稍微提一点意见哈~
1.例子后面是不是可以写一些论证的句子
2.第三段感觉主题并不明显，你的topic sentence应该是“ Acting differently and thinking differently don't always have a satisfactory outcome, but conforming to the old pattern only also can't be a path to success.” ，但我没有感觉到后面的例子与你的主题句有特别紧密的联系，这个例子其实和Apple的例子是一样的，都是创新能够成功，而且你的第二段和第三段的观点我也感觉不到明显的区别，如果你想强调old pattern 不能成功，那就要举一个old pattern失败的例子
感觉语言挺不错的~考试加油~
Just my advice
Good luck

AlanBuptUID: 3433124

luketc3580 发表于 2013-10-2 12:05
写的很赞~
稍微提一点意见哈~
1.例子后面是不是可以写一些论证的句子

谢谢版主的意见，我当时写的时候也感觉第三个例子也感觉没有充分的扣紧题，我应该在这方面再加强一下。

luketc3580UID: 3369182

AlanBupt 发表于 2013-10-2 12:39
谢谢版主的意见，我当时写的时候也感觉第三个例子也感觉没有充分的扣紧题，我应该在这方面再加强一下。

我说的是第二个例子哈~第三段的第二个例子
总体上你的3个论点并不分明，有点重叠的感觉~

sodapengUID: 3242849

luketc3580 发表于 2013-10-2 12:05
写的很赞~
稍微提一点意见哈~
1.例子后面是不是可以写一些论证的句子

我去。。密码菌太给力了~

luketc3580UID: 3369182

sodapeng 发表于 2013-10-2 17:07
我去。。密码菌太给力了~