【求痛批】TPO 25 综合写作writing

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大家好！

11.2号的最后战T。。准备还是不充足 T.T 拖延患者流泪中

以下是以综合写作25为例写的大作文，烦请各位痛批！！ （PS：有几处单词错误改过来了，目测自己临场发挥也是这样的水平，求大家积极打击指点！！）


Do you agree or not agree, the young people are not give enough time in helping their communities.

When it comes to young people, who would be the future of our society, there would always be concerns and arguments varied from their political opinions to their eating habits. As for now, another question is raised up, do the young people give enough time to help their communities or not? Personally, I hold a negative opinion towards this question, that is, though young ones do have their spare time, they need more to support their community.


To begin with, young people are actually quite stressed up with their academics. Benefiting from advanced technologies in our time, it is undeniable that the competition across the world is also quite drastic. The peer pressure nowadays rises to a new high level, at least in China, where I was born and grown up. Take the data as an example, in 2008, there're fewer than one million graduates who needs a job and the number rushed in to three million last year. Under current situation, young people are forced to study harder and harder in order to be qualified in the countless competitions, which limit their time to do other things.

Addtionally, quickly developing as urbanlization is, the overlarge city requires us to spend more time on commuting. The time we spend on transportation is doubled these years. When I was in middle school, I can spend fifteen minutes to walk there. On the contrast, my younger brother, who is also in middle school now, needs up to one hour to get into his school, which forced him rise up in early morning and gets back late with tired body. Commuting swallows lots of our energy and time while so many of us didn't realize it.

Last but not least, in order to help the communities, young people need directions from their teachers and families, which is not the common case in China now. Burdened with personal staff, it is really hard for the elder ones to contribute their time in showing the younger one how to do one thing, while the time should be shared among generations. Children, who might have the time, didn't get accustomed to help their community because the lack of teaching time from their teachers and parents.

It is important to help communities, especially for the young people who is underway to build up a sense of responsibility. We should all contribute to this issue to make it better in the future.

跪谢！

luketc3580UID: 3369182

欢迎加入写作互改小组哈~

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mlsnks 发表于 2013-10-30 13:05
你是在說年青人有時間, 只是沒有太多的時間去幫助社會; 還是在說年青人有時間, 只是他們需要更多其他的東西 ...

其实是一看到题目没定位好什么是help the communities。。所以就避开了对这个概念的讨论><所以你觉得structure是有问题的是么。。。。。

其他的。。比如句子结构什么的会不会太简单了？

谢谢你的回复 ：）

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luketc3580 发表于 2013-10-30 15:35
欢迎加入写作互改小组哈~

：）

zjz_lUID: 3460126

so nice!!

谢谢楼上！

跑题是的。。因为脑子里面没有一个完整的结构或者清晰的构想就开始写了。><迫于时间压力。。
more 是指more time..写的太不清晰了。

我本来担心的问题在于句子结构和用词是否高级了起来（当然并没有- -）谢谢楼上的建议让我看到一个大的逻辑框架上的问题。。也就是一直太匆忙开始写，立意并不能自圆其说。

谢谢， 受益匪浅！