issue34 详细点评 by triumphbaby

nk_abaUID: 153841

34"Instead of requiring students to take courses in a variety of disciplines—that is, courses ranging from the arts and the humanities to the physical and biological sciences—colleges and universities should allow students to enroll only in those courses that will help prepare them for jobs in their chosen fields. Such concentration is necessary in today's increasingly work-oriented society."

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There are a variety of disciplines nowadays, so it is unreality for an individual to master all those knowledge. But does it mean students should concentrate their attention only in the field they will engage in the future? The author thinks the answer is yes. I cannot agree with this notion for I consider that knowledge from other disciplines is as important as in our chosen field.

The first reason people should not ignore knowledge of other fields lies in people may achieve their success more easily with the help of these knowledge. For example, scientists in natural science domain often meet some troubles they cannot solve depending on the existing theory only, with the guide of philosophy, however, they would know that there is no eternal truth and then revise their theory and discover some deficiency and then advance further in their field. A novelist would also get into the trouble of lacking materials sometimes. So it is wise of him to read some books on other fields outside the literature, such as astronomy, mathematics or marine biology, then he could design some vivid plots in his writing, such as, a mysterious space exploration, a well-connected gambling, or an interesting roam in the sea. All in all, knowledge from other disciplines sometimes indeed stirs up human inspiration causing people's success.

Another reason people must study knowledge from other domain is the confusion of different knowledge needed by lots of practical problems. As we see, if a computer scientist wants to design an intelligent question answering system, besides knowledge of computer science, it is also necessary for him to know something about linguistics which teaches computer rule of human language, about psychology which is needed to improve the ability to perceiving of computer, and about physics which makes computer be able to simulate pronunciation of human. If sociologist wants to hold a poll among population, it also must not be ignored to know some knowledge of statistics first, because only when a poll plan is based on statistics, it is reasonable and can make a convincing conclusion. Also, if an architect wants his designing to cater to the taste of local people, it is his first-line job to know local history, custom, and culture, which would help him avoid some problems because of culture diversity. Thus, at the time of researches reach some specific application, depending only on knowledge of certain discipline is often unreasonable.

Besides, to a personal level, a knowledgeable person often wins more agreement and respect. For example, an excellent arguer often makes his notion be more convictive through citing plenty of proofs in different fields, such as politics, military, natural science, and humanities. Since erudition is beneficial to people, why should one refuse it?

All in all, it is necessary for any individual to know some knowledge of different fields with his own, for these information exactly bring benefits to people.

triumphbabyUID: 156432

34"Instead of requiring students to take courses in a variety of disciplines—that is, courses ranging from the arts and the humanities to the physical and biological sciences—colleges and universities should allow students to enroll only in those courses that will help prepare them for jobs in their chosen fields. Such concentration is necessary in today's increasingly work-oriented society."

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There are a variety of disciplines nowadays, so it is unreality for an individual to master all those knowledge. But does it （that）mean students should concentrate their attention only in the field（fields） they will engage(engage 是不是用被动语态比较好？) in the future? The author thinks the answer is yes. I cannot agree with this notion for I consider that knowledge from other disciplines is as important as in our（our应改成their，你是站在一个客观的角度作评论的，最好少用第一第二人称，多用第三人称，而且通篇保持一致） chosen field.

The first reason people（students） should not ignore knowledge of other fields lies in people （they）may achieve their success more easily with the help of these knowledge.（success这个词太抽象用在这里.第一段能不能改成,各学科之间常常有紧密的联系,然后挑个角度分类,就说说自然科学和社会科学之间密切的关系,然后举你下面的例子）(再者,我觉得，现在应该在想到例子的基础上，往提高结构的复杂度上努力，就是，提出论点之后，不要直接跟for example，显得没有分析说理的能力，只会堆砌例子。这种跟在论点之后的分析性语言，作用就是进一步解释你的论点，也有承上启下的作用，比如如果你的论点范围很大，是个面，它就可以挑一个点来突出，然后你就可以就此点展开论证，这样避免如果直接接例子，人家会说你太片面，之后，论证完这个点，再补上一句，类似的面里的其他点，也怎样怎样，堵上窟窿就好了。切记，这种分析性语言在精不在多，不要太长，适可而止。对于这篇文章，可以说上一两句背景。因为我们时代进步了，各学科的联系和合作越来越多了，在一定程度上已经没有pure的某学科存在了，或多或少都要用到别的学科的东东，因此，明智的做法就是不要只盯着自己的领域。我说的比较罗嗦，你压缩一下，大概就是这个意思，我只是表达我的一个concept。然后就举哲学和自然科学的例子) For example,（积累点别的举例子的开头语，太普通了） scientists in natural science domain（domain有点多余吧，可以去掉） often meet some（some可去掉，显得更加简洁） troubles they cannot solve depending on the existing theory only, with the guide of philosophy, however, they would know that there is no eternal truth and then revise their theory and discover some deficiency and then advance further in their field. （从你组织的语言来看，idea是好的，但是表达的不好，没突出重点，你不是想说哲学的好处以及和自然科学的关系吗？那上来就说吧，大概思路可以这样，我们马哲课的老师不是常说，哲学是一切科学的科学吗？自然科学和近代哲学－modern philosophy的关系很密切啊，哲学在世界观，自然观和方法论上对自然科学有深刻的影响，让研究者形成科学的思维方式。很多科学家都是哲学家。而现在又出现了哲学和自然科学的交叉领域，在解决自然科学的同时回答重要的哲学问题，这就要求学生不光要有科学基础，更要对哲学这种社会科学有一定的研究了。）A novelist would also get into the trouble of lacking materials sometimes. So it is wise of him to read some books on other fields outside the literature, such as astronomy, mathematics or marine biology, then he could design some vivid plots in his writing, such as, a mysterious space exploration, a well-connected gambling, or an interesting roam in the sea. All in all, knowledge from other disciplines sometimes indeed stirs up human inspiration causing people's success.（接下来这个例子想的非常好，不像哲学那么难说，只是表达上可以改进。这样写会更好些吧：我们常深深的被小说和电影中一些充满想像力和科幻的情节所吸引，作为一个电影制作人，或者一个科幻小说家，是不是只学会怎样编辑，怎样录制，怎样适用优美的语言就够了呢？如果是那样的话，他们的作品可能满足不了观众哦。怎么不举大名鼎鼎的matrix啊，这部电影将计算机科学融入制作，虽然更多科幻色彩，但还是以科学作为基石啊，还有很多类似的电影，入侵脑细胞什么的，可怜我看的电影不多，暂时只能想到这些了；至于科幻小说，那就更好说了，那个不是以物理，化学这些基础只是作为基础展开想像呢？你可以编，说认识莫莫朋友就是莫科幻杂志的撰稿人，本人怎么觉得自然科学不足啊，恶补啊之类的。这样这段基本就成形了，最后可以画龙点睛的来点总结.注意,其实你不觉得后面的例子和下面一段都交叉吗?可是在想不到更好的论据的时候,将就吧）

Another reason people must（这种绝对的词还是少用微妙）study （别总说study了，master也行啊）knowledge from other domain（domine有复数形式吧） is the confusion of different knowledge （＋also）needed by lots of practical problems. As we see, if a computer scientist（researcher比较好吧，那是人人都能当scientist的啊） wants to design an intelligent question answering system, besides knowledge of computer science, it is also necessary for him to know something about linguistics which teaches computer rule of human language, about psychology which is needed to improve the ability to(of) perceiving of computer which makes computer be able to simulate pronunciation of human.（这句改成, it is also necessary for him to know something about linguistics and psychology, one tells computers the rule of human language, and the other is used to improve the computers’ ability of perceiving. Therefore, to achieve the goal of letting computers be able to simulate humans’ pronunciation. ）(加上let’s see another instance,作为过渡比较好) If (a) sociologist wants to hold a poll among population(among population 有必要吗?), it also must not be ignored to know some knowledge of statistics first, because only when a poll plan is based on statistics, it is reasonable and can make a convincing conclusion .(这句好奇怪,语法不通吧,直接就说statistics as a tool that insures the poll reasonable and scientific should not be ignored.就ok了.). Also,(Besides/In addition) if an architect wants his designing to cater to the taste of local people,(别用if了,换种句式,这种形式一致的而且不紧连着的排比句,并不是上上之选,让人觉得单调. An architect who wants to cater to the taste of local people,) it is his first-line job to know local history, custom, and culture,(这句友有点别扭,his first job is to know the history, custom, and culture of that place, which requires the knowledge not only in architectural area) which would help him avoid some problems because of culture diversity(这半句就别要了) Thus, at the time of researches reach some specific application, depending only on knowledge of certain discipline is often unreasonable.(这个总结不够理想,应该扣到学生应学习不同知识那里去吧.可以说 The examples I mentioned above are only a drop in the bucket, we may encounter similar cases whenever and wherever, thus, I believe it is a wise idea to encourage people study broadly other than make them only focus on the field of their careers.)

Besides, to a personal level,(这个论点是想说博学可以赢得更多的朋友和尊敬,从而提高社会地位,增加社会竞争力,成为大家的中心,焦点吧) a knowledgeable person often wins more agreement and respect. (a knowledgeable person often has a higher competitive ability in our society. thanks to their wide view and abundant knowledge, they can easily find topics with people from different research fields, and then make more friends and win more respects)For example,(太多for example了,有时候你不用故意说这句,人家也会知道你在举例字的) (Similarly), an excellent arguer often(often 放在后面,through前面) makes his notion be(没有be,直接加形容词) more convictive (often)through(by) citing plenty of proofs in different fields, such as politics, military, natural science, and humanities. Since erudition is beneficial to people, why should one refuse it?(最后这句有点生硬,Science more and more versatile people are needed by our society, why do not the universities and colleges let students develop in this way?)
时间允许的话,还可以作点补充,诚然博学很重要,但是成为一个样样通,但样样都不精的人好不好呢?我还是主张,要有一技之长,其他的都是为它服务的,所以学校可以要求学生以修自己专业的课程为主,修其他领域的课程为附,学校应该协调好这两者之间的关系. 我觉得这个部分还是挺有必要的,论证全面嘛.

All in all, it is necessary for any (这种绝对的词,下次别用了,凡是都有例外嘛)individual to know some knowledge of different fields with(with用到这是什么意思?不通) his own, for these information exactly bring benefits to people.(最后一段写的不太好,我作了如下修改:All in all, I support the opinion that universities and colleges require students to take cause in a variety of disciplines, of course, as assistants of their major causes. Although students may do not understand why they are required to do so, they will realize the benefits later. That is also the instructional function of universities and colleges.)
summary:
1.例子质量有所提高,idea很好,但是在表达上还欠功夫,往往挺好的例子,没说到点子上,说服力自然就被削弱了.
2.注意在提出论点后加一两句分析性的语言,可以进一步解释,可以说背景,可以缩小论证范围,等等.有意识联系.

3.注意论证完你所有的论点之后,结尾之前,堵堵漏洞,大部分都讲一个度的问题,凡是都有例外,这样让你的文章更全面,更严谨就好了.

4.注意结尾,都说凤头豹尾,简短有力是最低要求,加点花样就不是一天两天能做到的了.
5.还有一个用了person,然后是用his 还是her,还是都用的问题,前面好像有文章说这个,我没注意,你研究一下告诉我吧.
Ok,刚才好像还想你什么,不过忘了,下次再说吧.我说的缺点你要好好想想哦,有必要就局部的重写.
好了,偶给mama打电话去了,呵呵.
还要谢谢版主送的礼物,呵呵