issue103 后面的修改稿很有意思（from testmagic）

imongUID: 140258

issue103 The study of history has value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives.

by woodbin from Testmagic

This's my first issue, please give me your valuable comments! thanks!


History, the carrier of the affairs that have taken place before, is the most valuable heritage passed down from one generation to another. Investigating a road map of the human behaviors, the study of history shows that where we were from, where now we are, and the way, which we should choose, to the future. Hence,not only the history which is relevant to our daily lives, but also the one which is beyond the day-to-day activities of human beings are valuable.

It is worthywhile to study the history beyond the daily lives ,such as the history related to earth and environment. The lost continent-Atlantis which was described in Plato's famous work sunkened before 12,000 years ago - is the 'Holy land ' for many historians. Obviously,it is unconcerned with our daily lives. The study of it, however, can help us to find out the orginal of the civilization and the interaction between human activities and the environment. Unfolding the image that thousands and millians of inhabitants on Atlantis ran helter-skelter confronting the deluge, historians admonish contemporary to protect the environment and not to recommit to the same errors.

Furthermore, if we simply deem that only the study of history, which is relevant to our daily lives, is valuable, it would result in stagnation of history. Supposing that the former historians merely cared about the history relevant to their lives, but neglected the one that is beyond their daily lives , nevertheless, valuable to the future-which is exactly our present, our historians would suffer the shortage of historical materials. Because there are enumorous differences between past and present. We can find that many materials are relevant to our procedenssecor's lives but few relate to ours. Finally ,there would have no history and no human in the world .

The focus on the study of the history ,in fact , is the treatment of the environment and the earth as a whole. The nuclear accidents at Three Mile Island and Chernobyl have been studied to ensure that they do not happen again. Certainly the study of the effects of nuclear materials on humans and the environment provides value beyond the daily lives of people. Moreover, the study of oil spills and their effects on the environment gives similar guidance on how to avoid or at least minimize the damage of an oil spill on the environment. All of these examples of studying history value far beyond its impact on the daily lives of people.

All the evidences support that the idea of 'study history has value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives' is a lopside view. All the history relevant to human is valuable and merit to study.

imongUID: 140258

by wood from TestMagic 里面使用中括号的部分其实应该是中划线（参见原链接 http://www.testmagic.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5225），但是我们这里没有中划线的功能，就暂时用中括号代替了。

Woodbin, here are my comments

History, the carrier of the affairs that have taken place before, is the most valuable heritage passed down from one generation to another. (Try not to use "is the most", "is the best", etc. Otherwise the reader will be looking for a thorough explanation why that is...) Investigating a road map of the human behaviors ("a roadmap"? are there many roadmaps?), [the study of] history [shows that ](explains) where we [were] (came) from, where [now] we are (now), and [the] (which) way, [which] we should choose[, to](in) the future. Hence,(**) not only the history which is relevant to our daily lives (is important), but also the one [which](that) is beyond the day-to-day activities of human beings are valuable.

(You used "hence" in an introductory paragraph. That leads the reader to conclude that you already presented enough support to your position, which is not the case. )




It is worthywhile to study the history beyond [the](our) daily lives ,such as the history related to earth and environment. The lost continent - Atlantis which was described in Plato's famous work (and) sunk[ened before ]12,000 years ago - is the 'Holy land ' for many historians. Obviously, it is unconcerned [with](to) our daily lives. The study of it, however, can help us to find out the origin[al] of [the] civilization and the interaction between human activities and the environment. Unfolding the image that thousands and milli[a]ons (don't need to use two qualitative adjectives, either use thousands, millions, or several. You should just enumerate them if you connect them with "even" ... thousands or even millions... however it is not appropriate in this case) of inhabitants on (of) Atlantis ran helter-skelter confronting the deluge, historians admonish contemporary (people) to protect the environment and not to recommit [to] the same errors.

(It is a good example. You provided a sound argument of not commiting the same mistake again based on past facts that are not directly related to our daily lives.)

Furthermore, if we simply deem that only the study of history, which is relevant to our daily lives, is valuable, it would result in (the) stagnation of history. Supposing that the former historians merely cared about the history relevant to their lives, but neglected the one that is beyond their daily lives (kinda repetitive), nevertheless, valuable to the future-which is exactly our present, our historians would suffer the (a) shortage of historical materials (a bit too long. you might consider breaking it down to two sentences. Also I think you're a little overconfident on this statement... one might argue that there are endless amount of history relevant to our daily lives available out there...). Because there are enumorous differences between past and present (??? a sentence started with "because" and no following?). We can find that many materials are relevant to our procedenssecor's (predecessor?) lives but few relate to ours (again, too confident... it's very arguable!). Finally ,there would have no history and no human in the world . I think it is too drastic... You meant that I wouldn't exist if historians paid attention only to history relevant to our lives? :confused:

(Contrary to the first paragraph, this one does not convince the reader. It is quite speculative with no reasonable foundation behind it.)

The focus on the study of [the] history , in fact , is the treatment of the environment and the earth as a whole (I believe it is much more... people's behavior, civilization, etc.). The nuclear accidents at Three Mile Island and Chernobyl have been studied to ensure that they do not happen again. Certainly the study of the effects of nuclear materials on humans and the environment provides value beyond the daily lives of (ordinary) people. Moreover, the study of oil spills and their effects on the environment gives similar guidance on how to avoid or at least minimize the damage of an oil spill on the environment (repetitive). All of these examples of studying history value far beyond its impact on the daily lives of people.

(It is definitely a good paragraph. However, it conveys the exact same idea as the first one! You should be careful while doing that. You could've combined them both with your three or four examples together and that would have been a great paragraph. You must provide a slightly different idea on each paragraph. A slightly different point of view, contrary or favorable.)

All the evidences support that the idea of 'study history has value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives' (don't quote like that. GRE evaluators don't like that) is a lopside (lopsided) view. All the history relevant to human is valuable and merit to study.


Ops... I could strongly bet that you were against the issue statement. However, the way you finished your essay (last sentence) is a bit confusing. Make sure you ALWAYS post a rebuttal after such thoughts to make sure of your position.

I believe the essay is well structured. However, the second and third body paragraphs are not at a 5 to 6 score level. For that, you must present different examples... not just different examples, but examples that convey different meanings! Moreover, you should try not being so drastic on your statements. Try to ponder a little more and be more neutral or qualitative on any arguable issues.

For your first essay, it is not bad at all!! IMHO, I believe you might get between 3-4 on this one... maybe a 4.5 depending on the readers' mood. Your vocab is enough for a 5 and up (considering removing repetitive words), however, you must careful plan before start writing the essay... you missed some examples and ideas to pass on to the reader.

Good luck!

PS: actually, my essays are not that differrent from yours... I can correct better than actually compose! :cool: I'm not a quick guy (to make it excellent in 45 minutes) since I'd rather think through it carefully...

九月爱上乒乓球UID: 151821

改的人很厉害啊~~羡慕..

paisleyUID: 64183

改的人是斑竹啊，你看看他的积分

ILwiN_WhuTUID: 143305

看我楼上的，她不也是斑竹吗?呵呵

liangzhimingUID: 173138

我看过，是老外改的