[优秀习作] issue30 强打精神，最后一个星期 [复制链接]

egg2000
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电梯直达

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发表于 2004-3-12 21:58:38 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

issue30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

Retrospecting the last several decades, what a great change technology has received! But at the same time, a question appears in our minds that the steps of lives and work are increasingly becoming more and more fast, and the leisure time are getting more and more short. Sequenctly, perhaps some people, like speaker, would doubt that the primary goal of technological advancement should be increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time, but the fact is contrary. As for this question on the leisure time, I do not agree with the speaker's claim.

At first, the primary goal of technological advancement shold not be limited in increasing people's efficiency, but impels the course of society. Looking backwards to history, technology plays an important roll in improving development of society. For example, the invention of spinning machine. It is the invention of spinning machine that is the fuse of the Industrial Revolution. Because the spinning machine elevated the productivity of spinning industy to realize the spinning industrialization. Without the invention of the spinning machine, people would continue spinning by hands in household workshops. Deng Xiaoping, one of former Chairmen of China, has been said that technology is productivity. The saying compactly explains the significance of technology that technology is the impulsion of productivity. Every advancement is associated with the innovation in technology. So the technological advancement is the guarantee of society progress.

Secondly, the sake of increasing people’s efficiency is not to offer more leisure time. Since the goal of technology is to impels the course of society, it must solve the problesms hampering society advancement. The low efficiency, as one of factors that restrict societal fast development, is one of the tasks of technology. Still consider the spinning machion therein. In that condition that the rate of spinning lagged behind the rate of weaving at that time, the rate of spinning became the bottle neck that restricts the realization of clothing industrialization. The spinning machine is invented just to resolve the disharmony between the rate of spinning and weaving. So increaing the efficiency just caters for the need of society.

At last, increasing efficiency is unnecessarily related to increasing leisure time. Usually, in a short term, the settle of increasing efficiency can bring more leisure time. Because, the social need can not immediately be adapt to keep up with the increase of efficiency. So the mended efficiency shorten the work time at same quantity of task, in turn increasing the leisure time. However, in a long time, the situation is unnecessarily. As the efficiency mending, society will adjust the quantity of task to make full use of the increased efficiency. As a result, people have to exert their emergy to finish the increased task. Therefore, the relation between efficiency and leisure time is ambiguous.

To sum up, despite of the fact that efficient has been hoisted far more by technology, people seems much busier than before. Because technology continuously impels the advancement of society, people must accommodate to change brought by society advancement.

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沙发

发表于 2004-3-12 22:34:02 |只看该作者

Re: issue30 强打精神，最后一个星期

Retrospecting the last several decades, what a great change technology has received! But at the same time, a question appears in our minds that the steps of lives and work are increasingly becoming more and more fast, and the leisure time are getting more and more short. （Sequenctly,因果关系成立吗？） perhaps some people, like speaker, would doubt that the primary goal of technological advancement should be increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time, but the fact is contrary. As for this question on the leisure time, I do not agree with the speaker's claim.

At first, the primary goal of technological advancement shold not be limited in increasing people's efficiency, but impels the course of society. Looking backwards to history, technology plays an important roll in improving development of society. For example, the invention of spinning machine. It is the invention of spinning machine that is the fuse of the Industrial Revolution. Because the spinning machine elevated the productivity of spinning industy to realize the spinning industrialization. Without the invention of the spinning machine, people would continue spinning by hands in household workshops（感觉有点冗长）. Deng Xiaoping, one of former Chairmen of China, has been said that technology is productivity. The saying compactly explains the significance of technology that technology is the impulsion of productivity. Every advancement is associated with the innovation in technology. So the technological advancement is the guarantee of society progress（补充一下productivity 和 society progress的关系可能会更好）.

Secondly, the sake of increasing people’s efficiency is not to offer more leisure time. Since the goal of technology is to impels the course of society, it must solve the problesms hampering society advancement. The low efficiency, as one of factors that restrict societal fast development, is one of the tasks of technology. Still consider the spinning machion therein. In that condition that the rate of spinning lagged behind the rate of weaving at that time, the rate of spinning became the bottle neck that restricts the realization of clothing industrialization. The spinning machine is invented just to resolve the disharmony between the rate of spinning and weaving. So increaing the efficiency just caters for the need of society（这段论证与TS不合，what is the relationship between social demands and leisure time?）.

At last, increasing efficiency is unnecessarily related to increasing leisure time. Usually, in a short term, the settle of increasing efficiency can bring more leisure time. Because, the social need can not immediately be adapt to keep up with the increase of efficiency. So the mended efficiency shorten the work time at same quantity of task, in turn increasing the leisure time. However, in a long time, the situation is unnecessarily. As the efficiency mending, society will adjust the quantity of task to make full use of the increased efficiency. As a result, people have to exert their emergy to finish the increased task. Therefore, the relation between efficiency and leisure time is ambiguous（有例子吗？最后那个 ambiguous 我觉得不太适合，因为前面你说的很清楚：society will adjust the quantity of task to make full use of the increased efficiency. As a result, people have to exert their emergy to finish the increased task）.

To sum up, despite of the fact that efficient has been hoisted far more by technology, people seems much busier than before. Because technology continuously impels the advancement of society, people must accommodate to change brought by society advancement.
语言我不懂，但这篇文章在构思和论证上需要重新考虑一下，]
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板凳

发表于 2004-3-12 23:09:06 |只看该作者

Retrospecting the last several decades, what a great change technology has received! But at the same time, a question appears in our minds that the steps of lives and work are increasingly becoming more and more fast, and the leisure time are（有问题吧？） getting more and more short. Sequenctly, perhaps some people, like speaker, would doubt that the primary goal of technological advancement should be increase people's efficiency（the efficiency of human activities） so that everyone has more leisure time, but the fact is contrary. (最好用unlike some people including the speaker，这样便于你指数自己的观点。在第一段，不要绕圈子，把观点清清楚楚的摆出来！）As for this question on the leisure time, I do not agree with the speaker's claim.（那你的观点是什么？写出来）

At first, the primary goal of technological advancement shold not be limited in increasing people's efficiency, but impels（to empel） the course（progress） of society.（很好的分论点） Looking backwards to history（after taking a retrospection/retroversion in human’s history，we will find是不是更好？）, technology plays an important roll in improving development of society. For example, the invention of spinning machine（直接用定于从句，不要拆成两句话）. It is the invention of spinning machine that is the fuse of the Industrial Revolution. Because the spinning machine elevated the productivity of spinning industy to realize the spinning industrialization. Without the invention of the spinning machine, people would continue spinning by hands in household workshops. Deng Xiaoping, one of former Chairmen（不是吧！！！我这学期刚好在学邓论-^- of China, has been said that technology is productivity（不能这么些啊。说determine the degree of都行。不要直译）. The saying compactly explains the significance of technology that technology is the impulsion of productivity. Every advancement is associated with the innovation in technology. So the technological advancement is the guarantee of society progress.（呵呵，是不是和分论点离得很远了？你后面完全在说科技如何如何伟大，生产如何如何得到改进。但我们的社会呢？应该再加上人们因此有多幸福，这样才能扣住主题）

Secondly, the sake of increasing people’s efficiency is not to offer more leisure time. Since the goal of technology is to impels the course of society, it must solve the problesms hampering society advancement. The low efficiency, as one of factors that restrict societal fast development, is one of the tasks of technology. Still consider the spinning machion therein. In that condition that the rate of spinning lagged behind the rate of weaving at that time, the rate of spinning became the bottle neck that restricts the realization of clothing industrialization. The spinning machine is invented just to resolve the disharmony between the rate of spinning and weaving. So increaing the efficiency just caters for the need of society.
看似提出新论点-解决一些问题，实际还是在效率上打转。这样写完全是重复，无法有效支持主论点。其实有很多例子可以举的。像我们的生存危机—生态环境问题，要借助科技的力量去改善。培养更新更强的树种，建造合适的环境给濒危动物。或者说解决人们工作的生命危险，机器人来做一些高难度的事。这样还能和民主联系起来，很多可写的说

At last, increasing efficiency is unnecessarily related to increasing leisure time. Usually, in a short term, the settle of increasing efficiency can bring more leisure time. Because, the social need can not immediately be adapt to keep up with the increase of efficiency. So the mended efficiency shorten（shortens） the work time at same quantity of task, in turn increasing（increases） the leisure time. However, in a long time, the situation is unnecessarily（unnecessary）. As the efficiency mending, society will adjust the quantity of task to make full use of the increased efficiency. As a result, people have to exert their emergy to finish the increased task. Therefore, the relation between efficiency and leisure time is ambiguous（换个词）.

这段好，清晰。如果要是加强的话，可以在倒数第二句直接给出一个原因，比如说是因为人对生产提高的追求事的我们在效率不断提高的环境下还在不断牺牲休息时间

还有程序要写今天就不写评语了
语言上小的地方还要注意
逻辑论证还要在加强一下
——菜鸟的个人建议

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