issue16 十四天冲刺！请大家帮忙啊1谢谢了！

zeus_meUID: 157807

1. issue16：Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
眼看着就要考试了，但是还是超时，大家帮我看看阿，谢谢先了！
自己盖过一些地方了，部分地方加问号，表示不知道如何改比较合适！

:roll: 提纲：
1. important to life
2. Motivate us to be independent。。。   on the other hand,。。。。
3. Stimulate us to create more facilities to better our life.
时间：16:30----16:33----17:20 2004-3-14
正文：
As a result of the science and technology's prosperity, our lives are becoming more and more convenient and easier. At the same time, luxuries come out and motivate us to seek more facilities and conveniences for the contemporary life. But people are also worrying whether these luxuries would prevent us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, I am in the opinion that instead of pulling our legs from developing these individual qualities, it actually motivates us to go further.

Firstly, these facilities and conveniences are important to us in the contemporary life and modern world. Have a look around us, we would find that almost everything is indispensable. Without a car, how can we get to the company in the downtown where we work far from the place we live in the rural (? 名词是?)? Without the cell phones in our hands, how can we get touch with our friends and chat so easily to share our happiness and sorrow? And televisions give you joy and fun, yachts endow you a sunshine weekend in the harbor, cinemas show you classic movies with your friends. Numerous examples show us that all these conveniences and luxuries give us so much benefit and we almost cannot live without them. Nobody can scold them, even if they may have this or that shortcoming, for they indeed are our faithfully assistant in our life.

Secondly, not only these facilities and conveniences are indispensable in our daily life, it also enables us to develop into truly strong and independent individuals. Due to these wonderful creations of modern life, we no longer have to depend on nature any more for we could grow plants in the green house. Besides, due to the more and more wealth available, we no longer have to depend on our parents to support us to further our high school study; we could serve (server) as assistant on the yacht, in the cafe, and the alike, where conveniences and luxuries are offered. Moreover, we obtain the confidence of living on our own (through these part time jobs). We dare to declare now that we are fundamentally independent creatures. In short, all these facilities and luxuries give us the opportunities to develop a truly independent life and we do obtain such an unexpectable fruit of these conveniences.

Finally, realizing all the benefits of these luxuries and conveniences, individuals are eager to develop better facilities and conveniences to enhance our life, and at the same time, we are thus acquiring more independence. Once the human gains the independence of his life, he is still not satisfied. He is eager to explore other areas of the world, to develop more convenient instruments. Not satisfied with the independent life on the land, human develops his life over the sea. Huge ships enable us to enjoy the life over the sea. More over, human even want to touch the outer space. Airplane, a typical luxury which enables us to travel over a long distance in a rather short time, is not the end (?) of the journey of the space; instead we developed shuttles, dreaming that one day we would be able to enjoy our Christmas Day on the moon. In brief, these facilities inspire our imagination and stimulate us to go further.

In sum, we cannot make more than the widest imagination that, without the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, how our life would be. Undoubtedly, everything would be in mess and the whole world would be like a chaos. Admittedly, we do benefit a lot from these facilities, not only in our daily material life, but also in our mental life: we are becoming more and more independent and moreover, it motivates us to enhance our independence.

maniacUID: 155886

As a result of the science and technology's prosperity, our lives are becoming more and more convenient and easier. At the same time, luxuries come out and motivate us to seek more facilities and conveniences for the contemporary life. But people are also worrying (worried about) whether these luxuries would prevent us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, I am in the opinion that instead of pulling our legs from developing these individual qualities, it actually motivates us to go further.

Firstly, these facilities and conveniences are important to us in the contemporary life and modern world. Have a look around us, we would find that almost everything is indispensable（这句有些别扭，我想你的意思应是almost everything which is considered to be a luxury is indispensable）. Without a car, how can we get to the company (sit) in the downtown where we work far from the place we live in the rural (? 名词是?)( 改成the rural place we live in 不就成了，不过还有些别扭)（另外，应是how can we get to…so quickly,没车也能到，只不过慢）? Without the cell phones in our hands, how can we get touch with our friends and chat so easily to share our happiness and sorrow? And televisions give you joy and fun, yachts endow you a sunshine weekend in the harbor, cinemas show you classic movies with your friends. Numerous examples show us that all these conveniences and luxuries give us so much benefit and we almost cannot live without them. Nobody can scold them, even if they may have this or that shortcoming, for they indeed are our faithfully assistant in our life.

Secondly, not only these facilities and conveniences are indispensable in our daily life, it also enables us to develop into truly strong and independent individuals. Due to these wonderful creations of modern life, we no longer have to depend on nature any more for we could grow plants in the green house. Besides, due to the more and more wealth available, we no longer have to depend on our parents to support us to further our high school study(不太懂，有因果关系吗？); we could serve (server) as assistant on the yacht, in the cafe, and the alike, where conveniences and luxuries are offered. Moreover, we obtain the confidence of living on our own (through these part time jobs). We dare to declare now that we are fundamentally independent creatures. In short, all these facilities and luxuries give us the opportunities to develop a truly independent life and we do obtain such an unexpectable fruit of these conveniences. 这段我觉得论证有些牵强，不足以服人，在那里打工都可培养独立性，积累社会经验，与奢侈品及便利事物没有显著联系。

Finally, realizing all the benefits of these luxuries and conveniences, individuals are eager to develop better facilities and conveniences to enhance our life, and at the same time, we are thus acquiring more independence. Once the human gains the independence of his life, he is still not satisfied. He is eager to explore other areas of the world, to develop more convenient instruments. Not satisfied with the independent life on the land, human develops his life over the sea. Huge ships enable us to enjoy the life over the sea. More over, human even want to touch the outer space. Airplane, a typical luxury which enables us to travel over a long distance in a rather short time, is not the end (?) of the journey of the space; instead we developed shuttles, dreaming that one day we would be able to enjoy our Christmas Day on the moon. In brief, these facilities inspire our imagination and stimulate us to go further.这段还不错

In sum, we cannot make more than the widest imagination that, without the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, how our life would be. Undoubtedly, everything would be in mess and the whole world would be like a chaos. Admittedly（强调自己观点不能用这种让步词，应用Therefore、It is thus clear/obvious that）, we do benefit a lot from these facilities, not only in our daily material life, but also in our mental life: we are becoming more and more independent and moreover, it motivates us to enhance our independence.结尾有力

zeus_meUID: 157807

谢谢maniac!

hkkk5257UID: 155661

As a result of the science and technology's prosperity, our lives are becoming more and more convenient and easier. At the same time, luxuries come out and motivate us to seek more facilities and conveniences for the contemporary life. But people are also worrying whether these luxuries would prevent us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, I am in the opinion that instead of pulling our legs from developing these individual qualities, it actually motivates us to go further.（开头感觉行文比较流畅，不错）（但是有个很严重的问题：luxury and convenience are two different concepts I think,你只提前者，是不是不太合适啊）（韦氏的揭示 luxury：1 archaic   : LECHERY, LUST 2 : a condition of abundance or great ease and comfort : sumptuous environment *lived in luxury* 3 a : something adding to pleasure or comfort but not absolutely necessary  b : an indulgence in something that provides pleasure, satisfaction, or ease）（convenience 1 : fitness or suitability for performing an action or fulfilling a requirement 2 a : something (as an appliance, device, or service) conducive to comfort or ease  3 : a suitable or convenient time *at your convenience*4 : freedom from discomfort : EASE）两者还是有很多大不同的。

Firstly, these facilities and conveniences （这里又说的是convenience）are important to us in the contemporary life and modern world. Have a look around us, we would find that almost everything is indispensable. Without a car, how can we get to the company in the downtown where we work far from the place we live in the rural (? 名词是?)? Without the cell phones in our hands, how can we get touch with our friends and chat so easily to share our happiness and sorrow? And televisions give you （避免第二人称）joy and fun, yachts endow you a sunshine weekend in the harbor, cinemas show you classic movies with your friends. Numerous examples show us that all these conveniences and luxuries give us so much benefit and we almost cannot live without them. Nobody can scold them, even if they may have this or that shortcoming, for they indeed are our faithfully assistant in our life.（中间的排比论证很好， 但是要注意表达准确，尽量逻辑严密， 可能进来argue看多了， 怎么看怎么觉得这段例子到处都有漏洞，呵呵）

Secondly, not only these facilities and conveniences are indispensable in our daily life, it also enables us to develop into truly strong and independent individuals. Due to these wonderful creations of modern life, we no longer have to depend on nature any more（又是不准确的表达，觉得改成depend merely on nature to survive 要更好些，你觉得的呢？） for we could grow plants in the green house. Besides, due to the more and more wealth available, we no longer have to depend on our parents to support us to further our high school study; we could serve (server) as assistant on the yacht, in the cafe, and the alike, where conveniences and luxuries are offered. Moreover, we obtain the confidence of living on our own (through these part time jobs). We dare to declare now that we are fundamentally independent creatures. In short, all these facilities and luxuries give us the opportunities to develop a truly independent life and we do obtain such an unexpectable fruit of these conveniences. （过多的第一人称也不舒服， 换成individual people或者 human being 都可以啊～！）

Finally, realizing all the benefits of these luxuries and conveniences, individuals are eager to develop better facilities and conveniences to enhance our life, and at the same time, we are thus acquiring more independence. Once the human gains the independence of his life, he is still not satisfied. He is eager to explore other areas of the world, to develop more convenient instruments. Not satisfied with the independent life on the land, human develops his life over the sea. Huge ships enable us to enjoy the life over the sea. More over, human even want to touch the outer space. Airplane, a typical luxury which enables us to travel over a long distance in a rather short time, is not the end (?) of the journey of the space; instead we developed shuttles, dreaming that one day we would be able to enjoy our Christmas Day on the moon. In brief, these facilities inspire our imagination and stimulate us to go further.（不错，个人观点， 你的三段中好像给人的感觉都是在排比论证，说了很多方面， 其实我认为可以适当换个思路，譬如：学鸟儿飞，风筝，飞机，宇宙飞船，月球，火星一个方面逐城深入也不错啊～！抛砖引玉～！）

In sum, we cannot make more than the widest imagination that, without the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, how our life would be. Undoubtedly, everything would be in mess and the whole world would be like a chaos. Admittedly, we do benefit a lot from these facilities, not only in our daily material life, but also in our mental life: we are becoming more and more independent and moreover, it motivates us to enhance our independence.
开头不错，大概的论证思路我看懂了，比较清晰。每层的论证我也懂了，不过，建议在大体思想上再斟酌一下，这道题还是有点搞头～！

hkkk5257UID: 155661

http://edu.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=173752

我花了一个小时改的文章啊

zeus_meUID: 157807

谢谢hkkk5257,好的，我一定回的

zeus_meUID: 157807

hkkk5257, 你的批改好仔细啊,问题提的都很透彻,自己看来这是最近来最得意之作,原来如此多的漏洞,多多谢谢了!

jianguoUID: 157933

As a result of the science and technology's prosperity,(sharp development； prosperity是形容经济繁荣的) our lives are becoming more and more convenient and easier（comfortable 没有easier这个词）At the same time, luxuries come out and motivate us to seek more facilities and conveniences for the contemporary life. But people are also worrying（people worry about）whether these luxuries would prevent us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However,(用的不当) I am in the opinion that instead of pulling our legs from developing these individual qualities, it actually motivates us to go further.
精确的
Firstly, these facilities and conveniences are important to us in the contemporary life and modern world. Have a look around us, we would find that almost everything is indispensable. Without a car, how can we get to the company in the downtown where we work far from the place we live in the rural (名词是villige)?Without the cell phones(phone) in our hands, how can we get touch with our friends and chat so easily to share our happiness and sorrow? And(去掉and) televisions give you joy and fun(应该说provide precise news and nearly information), yachts endow you a sunshine weekend in the harbor, cinemas show you classic movies with your friends. Numerous examples show us that all these conveniences and luxuries give us so much benefit and we almost cannot live without them. Nobody can scold them,(说的太绝对了) even if they may have this or that shortcoming, for they indeed are our faithfully assistant in our life.

Secondly, not only these facilities and conveniences are （not only 放在这里）indispensable in our daily life, it(they) also enables us to develop into truly strong and independent individuals. Due to these wonderful creations of modern life, we no longer have to depend on nature any more for we could grow plants in the green house. Besides, due to the more and more wealth available, we no longer have to depend on our parents to support us to further our high school study; we could serve (server) as assistant on the yacht, in the cafe, and the alike, where conveniences and luxuries are offered. Moreover, we obtain the confidence of living on our own (through these part time jobs). We dare to declare now that we are fundamentally independent creatures. In short, all these facilities and luxuries give us the opportunities to develop a truly independent life and we do obtain such an unexpectable fruit of these conveniences.(论证不充分，不要说一些绝对性的论断)

Finally, realizing all the benefits of these luxuries and conveniences, individuals are eager to develop better facilities and conveniences to enhance our life, and at the same time, we are thus acquiring more independence. Once the human gains the independence of his（注意人称） life, he is still not satisfied. He is eager to explore other areas of the world, to develop more convenient instruments. Not satisfied with the independent life on the land, human develops his life over the sea. Huge ships enable us（注意人称） to enjoy the life over the sea. Moreover, human even want to touch the outer space. Airplane, a typical luxury which enables us to travel over a long distance in a rather short time, is not the end (terminal) of the journey of the space; instead we developed shuttles, dreaming that one day we would be able to enjoy our Christmas Day on the moon. In brief, these facilities inspire our imagination and stimulate us to go further.

In sum, we cannot make more than the widest imagination that, without the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, how our life would be. Undoubtedly, everything would be in mess and the whole world would be like a chaos. Admittedly, we do benefit a lot from these facilities, not only in our daily material life, but also in our mental life: we are becoming more and more independent and moreover, it motivates us to enhance our independence.

zeus_meUID: 157807

多谢jianguo,多谢大家的修改!
大家一起努力,互相促进!

hkkk5257UID: 155661

最初由 zeus_me 发布
[B]hkkk5257, 你的批改好仔细啊,问题提的都很透彻,自己看来这是最近来最得意之作,原来如此多的漏洞,多多谢谢了! [/B]

谢谢你的评价，我跟你的时间差不多了一样的，以后我们可以互相改， 共同进步～！

zeus_meUID: 157807

改装换面，重出江湖，啊！今天一整天就好在这篇文章上面了！
但是还是感到思维枯竭，第二个分论点的论证时还是感到力不从心，显然有点不足，大家砍吧，帮我想想招。多谢了！ :p

issue16：Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals
As a result of the prosperity/sharp development of science and technology, our modern lives are becoming more and more convenient and comfortable. At the same time, luxuries and conveniences come into being and they motivate us to seek more facilities for contemporary life. But people are also worried about these luxuries and conveniences as they might prevent us from developing into truly strong and independent individuals. However, I am of the opinion that instead of holding back the wheel of the development of such individual qualities, they actually motivate us to go further.

Firstly, these luxuries and conveniences are important to us in the contemporary life and modern world. Have a look around us, we may find that almost all the luxuries and conveniences are indispensable. Without a car, we would not be able to get to the company in the downtown where we work far from the place where we live in the countryside quickly. Without a cell phone in hand, we would not be able to communicate with our friends and chat in ease, sharing our everyday happiness with them at any time we want to. And televisions provide precise news and the latest information, yachts endow us a sunshine weekend in the harbor, cinemas show an affecting movie. Numerous examples show us that all these luxuries and conveniences give us so much benefit that we almost cannot live without them. We could hardly scold them, even if they may have this or that shortcoming, for they indeed help us a lot and are our faithful assistant in our life.

Secondly, these luxuries and conveniences are not only indispensable in our daily life; they also enable us to develop into truly strong and independent individuals. Due to these wonderful creations of modern life, we no longer have to merely depend on the weather for we could grow plants in the green house. Besides, as the increasing needs of human race for luxuries and conveniences, more jobs are available. Thus we do not have to depend on our parents to support us as we could do part time jobs on the yacht, in the café, and the like. Moreover, we gain the confidence of living on our own and we dare to declare now that we are fundamentally independent creatures now. In short, all these luxuries and conveniences do give us opportunities to develop a truly independent life and we do benefit from these unexpected byproducts which endue us a sense of independence.

Finally, realizing the benefits of the luxuries and conveniences, individuals are eager to develop better facilities to polish up their lives, and at the same time, they are thus acquiring more independence. Once human beings gain the independence of their lives- that they are confined to the weather and have to struggle with the famine no longer-they are not satisfied yet and eager to explore other areas of the world. Not satisfied to earn a living on the land, humans developed the life over the sea. Huge ships come into being and journeys across the sea are available, signing the independence of human beings on the land. But this is not the end, watching the birds flying in the vast sky freely, we create airplane, a typical luxury and convenience which enable us to travel a rather long distance in a tarnal short time. Furthermore, we develop space shuttles to touch the outer space, dreaming that one day we would be independent of the earth and be able to enjoy our Christmas Day on the moon. In brief, these luxuries and conveniences which our ancestors can hardly imagine turn into reality and stimulate us to go further.

In sum, we cannot make more than the widest imagination that, without the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, how our life would be. Undoubtedly, everything would be in mess and the whole world would become a chaos. To conclude, we do benefit a lot from these luxuries and conveniences, not only in our daily material life, but also in our mental life: we are becoming more and more independent and moreover, we are motivated to enhance our independence.
Syllabus:
1. 生活中这些不可或缺，例如汽车（用于快速上下班），手机（更快的和朋友交流感情），电视机（给我们欢乐，否则生活单调乏味），邮轮。
2. 他们使我们变得独立。不在靠天吃天，靠地吃地；奢侈品的需求增大也增加了就业机会，我们可以做part time job to support ourselves 而不必依赖父母
3. 他们激起了人类取得更多的独立性的激情，不再被陆地限制，可以在海洋中航行；不在拘束于大地，从此独立的能在天空自由翱翔，不仅如此，外太空的探索，太空殖民地的梦想，将使人类进一步独立于地球。