issue48 改了2个小时，欢迎拍转

GORQIUID: 151275

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

The speaker claims that overemphasis has been put on the study of the outstanding minority while the function of the mass was forgotten. I concede that the effect of the mass, as the main body of the whole society, in pushing forward the history should not be neglected, otherwise, researches in individuals are more crucial due to their incontestable contribution to the history process and  their part as epitome  the historical background of a certain stage. I will illustrate this point from three aspects as follows:

First, the focus on minor celebrities relies on their unarguable status in human history, where their honor and repute came from. Admittedly, the mass realized the significant evens, but it is the famous few who play determinate role in accelerating or impeding the program of history as the leaders. In most cases, one could be famous due to one's significant behavior influencing the history or the society that time. The most striking examples are leaders in the war. In the American Civil War, Lincoln expressed his significant charisma, full of sympathism to slaves, great courage in the first two years of rigor battles in inferior position, and his sage stratagem to blockage the southern breach, which eventually conduced to the success of the Northern. On the contrary, Hitler, as the director of Nazis, should respond to the persecuting and slaughtering Jews, the catastrophe the Europeans suffered, and economical depression.
   
Second, through famous few one can easily understand the current trends of the society, for they are compelled by the social needs and represent major characters in an effective way. After all, only coherent with the social trends could the work be committed and spread, as consequent the author be known to all. Here is a convincing illustration to demonstrate my opinion. In the field of costume, the famous stylists must be familiar with the mainstream of society involving the ideology, keep up with the society, sometimes be advanced from the mass, but never could behind the fad. I have see a Russian film of 1980's, stories in office, in which the vogue girl wore the skirt which even middle school girls won't accepted  today because it has been out of time.  If there is a stylist insisting on design such costumes, it is impossible for his/her name to be remembered unless as a negative model.

Third, it is impractical to record all the member’s experiences in some era. As we all know, the historical recorder pay most attention to the outstanding minority according to two reasons: one is the fact that it has been a long time that the absolutism played the leading role and the recorders must be respond to the potentates, the other is the recorders had not the ability to document all about the nameless major. Further, even if the recorders could give documents of all, overfull information without cross-section would lead to nothing but ineffective, due to that not everyone have the effort and time to clean out what is the really value. The role of famous few in some extent works as syllabus.

In sum, the research of famous individuals is more essential comparing with that of the mass. Without the few famous individuals, our current society may be distinct from what we see today. Without the knowledge about the eminent few, the history study will be bagged into sea of ineffective information. Of course, we should not neglect the mass, and give them the deserving respect though emphasizing on that is unnecessary.

paisleyUID: 64183

https://bbs.gter.net/showthre ... d=811356#post811356

麻烦你改改这位同学的作文好吗？我也把你的作文的URL发给他了，你们可以互相改，互相帮助啊。比干等着强哦


希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。尤其是提点结构上和想法上的建议。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！

underseaUID: 158944

第二个分论点的例子好像不是很合适，应该说从某些名人的身上可以折射出社会的趋势，但那个电影里的女孩和famous man 有点不相称。

etteUID: 156102

好的啊：）

etteUID: 156102

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

The speaker claims that overemphasis has been put on the study of the outstanding minority(the elite 也行啊) while the function of the （加个ordinary更强对比）mass was forgotten. I concede that the effect of the mass, as the main body of the whole society, in pushing forward the history should not be neglected, otherwise, researches in individuals are more crucial due to their incontestable contribution to the history process and their part as epitome the historical background of a certain stage. I will illustrate this point from three aspects as follows:

First, the focus on minor celebrities relies on their unarguable status in human history, where their honor and repute came from. Admittedly, the mass realized the significant evens, but it is the famous few who play determinate（determinate确定性，decisive决定性的） role in accelerating or impeding the program of history as the leaders. In most cases, one could be famous due to one's significant behavior influencing the history or the society that time. The most striking examples are leaders in the war. In the American Civil War, Lincoln expressed his significant charisma, full of sympathism to slaves, great courage in the first two years of rigor battles in inferior position, and his sage stratagem to blockage the southern breach, which eventually conduced to the success of the Northern. On the contrary, Hitler, as the director of Nazis, should respond to the persecuting and slaughtering Jews, the catastrophe the Europeans suffered, and economical depression.（能在结尾加一个队以上两个例子所要说明的道理的总结会比较好）

Second, through famous few one can easily understand the current trends of the society, for they are compelled by the social needs and represent major characters in an effective way. After all, only coherent with the social trends could the work be committed and spread, as consequent the author be known to all. Here is a convincing illustration to demonstrate my opinion. In the field of costume, the famous stylists must be familiar with the mainstream of society involving the ideology, keep up with the society, sometimes be advanced from(这个借此对吗?可以用go ahead) the mass, but never could behind the fad. I have see a Russian film of 1980's, stories in office, in which the vogue girl wore the skirt which even middle school girls won't accepted today because it has been out of time. If there is a stylist insisting on design such costumes, it is impossible for his/her name to be remembered unless as a negative model.（这个例子没什么说服力啊，而且论点也有问题，有点偏题。你的观点：从名人我们可以了解现代社会潮流。但题目说的是精英史！至多可以说：了解精英史可以很好的帮我们了解他们所生活时代的社会潮流。）

Third, it is impractical to record all （the） member’s experiences in some era. As we all know, the historical recorder（这儿recorder没加s,而下面第三行又加了！） pay most attention to the outstanding minority according to two reasons: one is the fact that it has been a long time that the absolutism played the leading role and the recorders must be respond to the potentates, the other is the recorders had not the ability to document all about the nameless major. Further, even if the recorders could give documents of all, overfull information without cross-section would lead to nothing but ineffective, due to that not everyone have the effort and time to clean out what is the really value（你想表达的是“什么是真正有价值的“？这儿有点中国英语了阿：） what is actually valuable to us ）. The role of famous few in some extent works as syllabus.

In sum, the research of famous individuals is more essential comparing with that of the mass. Without the few famous individuals, our current society may be distinct from what we see today. Without the knowledge about the eminent few, the history study will be bagged into sea of ineffective information. Of course, we should not neglect the mass, and give them the deserving respect though emphasizing on that is unnecessary.（以这句结尾有点感觉不好（and only about not feeling good），能在加句重申history emphasized on individuals更好啊）

sniper613UID: 147372

先占个座，一会来帮帮你看看

sniper613UID: 147372

48"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

The speaker claims that overemphasis has been put on the study of the outstanding minority while the function of the mass was forgotten. I concede that the effect of the mass, as the main body of the whole society, in pushing forward the history should not be neglected; otherwise, researches in individuals are more crucial due to their incontestable contribution to the history process and their part as epitome the historical background of a certain stage. I will illustrate this point from three aspects as follows:

First, the focus on minor celebrities relies on their unarguable status in human history, where their honor and repute came from. Admittedly, the mass realized the significant evens, but it is the famous few who play determinate role in accelerating or impeding the program of history as the leaders. In most cases, one could be famous due to one's significant behavior influencing the history or the society that time. The most striking examples are leaders in the war. In the American Civil War, Lincoln expressed his significant charisma, full of sympathism(?) to slaves, great courage in the first two years of rigor battles in inferior position, and his sage stratagem to blockage the southern breach, which eventually conduced to the success of the Northern. On the contrary, Hitler, as the director of Nazis, should respond to the persecuting and slaughtering Jews, the catastrophe the Europeans suffered, and economical depression.(你的开头是完全同意作者的观点，但是你的这一段又是在说leaders的重要性，最起码你的第一段也要让步一下啊。还有就是结构上的问题，最好在最后有一句话对本段做一句总结。)

Second, through famous few one can easily understand the current trends of the society, for they are compelled by the social needs and represent major characters in an effective way. After all, only coherent with the social trends could the work be committed and spread, as consequent the author be known to all. Here is a convincing illustration to demonstrate my opinion. In the field of costume, the famous stylists must be familiar with the mainstream of society involving the ideology, keep up with the society, sometimes be advanced from the mass, but never could behind the fad. I（直接引用就行了,不要说你干了什么之类的） have see a Russian film of 1980's, stories in office, in which the vogue girl wore the skirt which even middle school girls won't accepted today because it has been out of time. (觉得和你的TS完全没有关系啊，你是在说few famous ones?)If there is a stylist insisting on design such costumes, it is impossible for his/her name to be remembered unless as a negative model.

Third, it is impractical to record all the member’s experiences in some era. As we all know, the historical recorder pay most attention to the outstanding minority according to two reasons: one is the fact that it has been a long time that the absolutism played the leading role and the recorders must be respond to the potentates, the other is the recorders had not the ability to document all about the nameless major. Further, even if the recorders could give documents of all, overfull information without cross-section would lead to nothing but ineffective, due to that not everyone have the effort and time to clean out what is the really value. The role of famous few in some extent works as syllabus.(第一句和最后一句不一致啊)

In sum, the research of famous individuals is more essential comparing with that of the mass. Without the few famous individuals, our current society may be distinct from what we see today. Without the knowledge about the eminent few, the history study will be bagged into sea of ineffective information. Of course, we should not neglect the mass, and give them the deserving respect though emphasizing on that is unnecessary.
在你的作文里，模板的痕迹太明显了，最好用你的语言风格发展出自己的模板

GORQIUID: 151275

非常感谢大家捧场，下面是我改过的

The speaker claims that overemphasis has been put on the study of the elite while the function of the mass was forgotten. I concede that the effect of the mass, as the main body of the whole society, in pushing forward the history should not be neglected, otherwise, researches in individuals are more crucial due to their incontestable contribution to the history process and their part as epitome the historical background of a certain stage. I will illustrate this point from three aspects as follows:

First, the focus on minor celebrities relies on their unarguable status in human history, where their honor and repute came from. Admittedly, the mass realized the significant evens, but it is the famous few who play decisive role in accelerating or impeding the program of history as the leaders. In most cases, one could be famous due to one's significant behavior influencing the history or the society that time. The most striking examples are leaders in the war. In the American Civil War, Lincoln expressed his significant charisma, full of sympathism to slaves, great courage in the first two years of rigor battles in inferior position, and his sage stratagem to blockage the southern breach, which eventually conduced to the success of the Northern. On the contrary, Hitler, as the director of Nazis, should respond to the persecuting and slaughtering Jews, the catastrophe the Europeans suffered, and economical depression. As showed above, righteous and competent leaders would push forward the history and bring human gospel, while inefficient or evil ones would cumber even bring calamities.

Second, through famous few one can easily understand the trends of their day, for they are compelled by the social needs and represent major characters in an effective way. After all, only coherent with the social trends could the work be committed and spread, as consequent the author be known to all. Here is a convincing illustration to demonstrate my opinion. Let us take a good at Hippies born in the 1960’s, when the society of the west is full of turbulence and people are confused. Some music teams such as Nice, a famous music team in England, emerged for their acid rock, which exactly embodied the feelings of the major. They are remembered just because they represented the real condition of that time, and accordingly their workings shed a light on the understanding of the history then.

Third, it is impractical to record all the member’s experiences in some era. As we all know, the historical recorders pay most attention to the outstanding minority according to two reasons: one is the fact that it has been a long time that the absolutism played the leading role and the recorders must be respond to the potentates, the other is the recorders had not the ability to document all about the nameless major. Further, even if the recorders could give documents of all, overfull information without cross-section would lead to nothing but ineffective, due to that not everyone have the effort and time to seek out what is actually valuable to us. The role of famous few in some extent works as framework to help grasp the history proceed rapidly.

In sum, the research of famous individuals is more essential comparing with that of the mass. Without the few famous individuals, our current society may be distinct from what we see today. Without the knowledge about the eminent few, the history study will be bagged into sea of ineffective information. Of course, we should not neglect the mass, and give them the deserving respect though emphasizing on that is unnecessary. Thus, when studying the history, the most effective way is to focus on the eminent few and pay proper attention on the ordinary as well.

etteUID: 156102

GORQI,我按Paisley给的URL帮你改了啊，你能不能也帮我改下呢：）
谢谢先：）