issue66，第一次上500，求批！！谢谢

ZZZ@MARYLANDUID: 157802

66. Colleges should require students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced, well-rounded education.


For student's sake, a balanced and well-rounded education teaches not only the knowledge learnt from college and university, but also excellent characters of a successful man, the ability of communication with others, etc. The education for students is beneficial from the public-service activities, however, in my opinion, it is not enough for a student to receive a balanced, well-rounded education. We should perfect our educational theory

There are three aspects of education, family, school, and public. The public-service contributes the education with a tremendous aspect. In the public-service activities students learn how to practice the knowledge gain from professors. And in public-service activities student will benefit in building his or her characters, such as independence, communication ability, a strong sense of competition and the ability of learning without teacher’s guide. In college and university or family, students live with the people who are very kind of them. It is impossible that you face a terrible problem alone, the friends and families of you will help you to conquer. Nevertheless, when you are attending a public-service activity, none of the other people will help you. The most significant aspect is public-service activities build the student's social responsibility. In college, students realize that their responsibility is study, when they attend a public-service activity the sense of social responsibility appears in their maid. They will find out that social responsibility is so significant that without it he or she is unlike to realize what should be done for the whole society. Therefore take part in public-service activities is good for student's education.

Even if the society, college and family have done so much for the education, there are still problems in our educational system. A study reported by the Nation Parent-Teachers Organization expresses that the first year of being a student, nearly 80 percent of students contain a good sense of himself or herself. Via our common thinking, after the education the scale should be increased. On the contrary, after the 6-year education, only 10 percent left. I think the terrible phenomenon is due to the students' dependency on teachers and parents. When different opinions appear between student and teacher, the deference inherent in student force student to give his or her view up to accept the teacher's view. It is a pity in our educational system. A good teacher won't strive his vision to students, he will simply ask you to stand beside him and see for yourself.

At last, there are so many changes needed for a balanced and well-rounded education. First, the flaws in our daily school life should be corrected. In college, the professor should teach students to solve practical problems with the knowledge they have learnt independently. Second, the public-service activity should be carried on in elementary school. The elementary school is important that it takes the responsibility of giving the initial conception of the world and it build the basic characters, such as confidence and iron will.

To sum up, college requires students to engage in public-service activities contribute to the balanced, well-rounded education, whereas it is not sufficient for the balanced and well-rounded education. On the purpose of founding a better educational system more cooperations are needed among the family, school and society.

ZZZ@MARYLANDUID: 157802

求批，谢谢了。

forwwwUID: 154260

66. Colleges should require students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced, well-rounded education.


For student's sake, a balanced and well-rounded education teaches not only the knowledge learnt from college and university [B] (colleges and universities) [/B], but also excellent characters [B](bad diction. Maybe “good virtues” is better)[/B]of a successful man [B](of a person)[/B], the ability of communication with others[B](communication skills) [/B], etc. The education for students is beneficial from the public-service activities, [B](;这里不能用逗号，前后都是完整的句子了，只不过句意还没有表达完整罢了。)[/B] however, in my opinion, it is not enough for a student to receive a balanced, well-rounded education. We should perfect our educational theory[B](理论？mechanism可能好一点) [/B].
[B]题目的讨论的是public-service activities, 你首段的意思是说：我同意题目的说法，但是我们需要晚上教育机制。我感觉要把主要的精力放在public service的益处来，这样比较紧扣题目，当然后面可以说一下这还是不够的，还要完善教学机制等等。开头的观点一定要主次摆正。[/B]

There are three aspects of education, family, school, and [B](the)[/B]public. The public-service contributes the education with a tremendous aspect. [B](sth contributes to sth. 不用with) [/B] In the public-service activities [B](,) [/B] students learn [U]how to practice the knowledge[/U] [B]（主题句记得一定要清楚，建议早点摆出来。否则找不到。可以直接改为public service activities provides students the opportunities to practice the knowledge they learn from colleges）[/B] gain from professors. [B]（关于对知识的实践这个问题你还没有进行展开和阐述，怎么就说第二个了？要说道理啊。怎么实践？为什么有机会实践[/B] And [B](一般句子开头不用连接词，可以用in addition)[/B] in public-service activities [B](,) [/B]student will benefit in [B](from不用in) [/B]building his or her (避免用his or her,直接前面就用students,这里用they) [/B]characters[B](characteristics) [/B], [B](--) [/B]such as independence, communication ability, a strong sense of competition and the ability of learning without teacher’s guide[B](independent learning skills) 像communication skills, independent learning 不属于characteristics[/B]. In college and university or family, [B](In colleges and families) students live with the people who are very kind of them. [B] (professors and parents are kind to the students, 不用of) [/B] It is impossible that you [B](students) [/B]face a terrible problem [B](复数比较好) [/B]alone, the friends and families of you will help you to conquer. [B]（这句话比较累赘，考虑修改）[/B] Nevertheless, when you [B]（they）[/B] are attending [B](一般现在时，join/participate in) a public-service activity, none of the other people will help you[B](them) [/B]. The most significant aspect is public-service activities build the student's social responsibility. [B](Another significance of public-service activities is that this kind of activities helps students build a sense of belonging and social responsibility. 我改了一下，你觉得合适么？) [/B]In college, students realize that their responsibility is study, [B] (“realize”, diction. 可以就说：Admittedly, in college, the most important task for the students is to learn knowledge.) when they attend a public-service activity the sense of social responsibility appears in their maid [B]（minds,不是以前一点社会责任感都没有，只是通过这样社会活动可以增强社会责任感，appear in their minds 不太合适）[/B]. They will find out that social responsibility is so significant that without it he or she is [B](they are) [/B] unlike [B](unlikely) [/B]to realize what should be done for the whole society. [B](太绝对了吧？) [/B]Therefore [B](,) [/B]take [B](taking) [/B]part in public-service activities is good for student's education.
整个段落说得是1. practice knowledge. 2. learn how to function in the society(prepare for the future career,因为我看你着重在与communication skills, independent learning方面，想可能你是这个意思) 3. 社会责任感
这三个观点非常好，但是没有展开。每个论点都要说清楚，为什么你说得是对的，为什么它是有益处的，要好好地支持才行。建议分三段写，每一段的TS写清楚，一开始就放出来。这样会比较好一点。美国人比较直接，你要他找你的ts不太好。再说我们的水平还不到绕圈子的水平。

Even if [B](用even if，那你就否定你前面的三个好处了哦，用however, there are still ...) [/B]the society, college and family [B](你前面没有说family什么的，就是说了public activities对教育的益处，言辞要谨慎) [/B]have done so much for the education, there are still problems in our educational system.
[B] 他没说我们的教育制度怎么样，有没有问题，你这一段的意思应该是：为了使学生well-rounded，除了要提供public activities之外，我们还需要改善我们的教育机制。这样会比较好一点。[/B]
A study reported by the Nation Parent-Teachers Organization expresses [B](shows) [/B]that [U]the first year of being a student, nearly 80 percent of students[/U] [B](cumbersome, “nearly 80 percent of freshmen”) [/B] contain [B](have) [/B] a good sense of himself or herself [B](可能用have a sense of self-approval会好一点，这个个人意见了…)[/B]. Via our common thinking, after the education the scale should be increased. [B](Common sense tells us, a good education would add to self-approval.) [/B]On the contrary, after the 6-year education, only 10 percent left [B](remain) [/B]. I think the terrible phenomenon is due to the students' dependency on teachers and parents. When different opinions appear between student and teacher [B](复数) [/B], the deference inherent in student [B](students) [/B] force student [B](them) [/B]to give his or her view up [B](give up their own opinions) [/B]to accept the teacher's view. It is [B](…, which is) [/B]a pity in our educational system. A good teacher won't strive his vision to students, he will simply ask you to stand beside him and see for yourself. [B](哈哈，用到工具箱了，嗯，不错) [/B]
为什么说失却自我认同就不能成为一个balanced, well-rounded的人呢??你提出教育体制本身的问题是好的。学校要求学生死记硬背，老师比较有权威，这都是有害学生的全面发展的。可以从教育体制的这个方面下手。要扣住balanced, well-rounded这一点。
其次，我觉得你这个归因比较武断，学生在竞争的过程中不能够承受失败，或者是不能够正视失败完全有可能使他们失去自信啊。还是要考虑的周全一点。

At last, [B](At last是终于的意思，有种总算怎么怎么的意思，比方说雨总算停了。At last用在这里不合适。用finally好了。) [/B]there are so many changes needed for a balanced and well-rounded education. First, the flaws in our daily school life should be corrected. [B]（用主动吧？这里被动很别扭）[/B]In college, the professor should teach students to solve practical problems with the knowledge they have learnt independently. Second, the public-service activity should be carried on in elementary school. The elementary school is important that [B]（because）[/B]it takes the responsibility of giving the initial conception of the world and it build the basic characters, such as confidence and iron will.
Elementary school 扯远了一点，而且也没有这个必要，他说college就college好了。再说你给出这么多的建议也不支持，是缺乏可信度的。

To sum up, college requires [B]（用复数， colleges should require）[B] students to engage in public-service activities contribute to the balanced, well-rounded education, whereas it is not sufficient for the balanced and well-rounded education. On the purpose of founding a better educational system [B]( ,) [/B] more cooperations [B](cooperation没有复数) [/B]are needed among the family, school and society.
结尾跑了。结尾总的是要说两个意思：1. public-service activities是好的，因为…三点。这个需要概括。2. 光这些activities还是不够的，还需要完善教育体制。

最后怎么写到cooperation上去了？你从头到尾没有说到过cooperation的概念啊。结尾一定要准，要简单概括，可以升华，但决不能发散。

有这样几个问题：
1. 提出的观点没有好好的支持。这个笔墨一定不能够不舍得。提出一个就好好支持一个。
2. 结构还是需要努力，前面要多花些字数在public activities的好处上面，因为从你的篇幅上来看你还是同意题目观点的，之后觉得完善教育体制也是非常必要的，起到补充，使其严密的作用。要主次分清楚，篇幅上也要有所侧重。
3. 连接词注意总结，转折啊什么的，要好好利用。这样有助于搞清逻辑关系
4. 壮语前置，记得要用逗号分开它和后面的成分。

总的感觉要比以前的好很多啦。：）好像之前一直用小写开头，这个习惯已经改过来了。还有就是不会写零零碎碎的短句了。进步好大哦:D恭喜啦！！
注意前面的几点。再接再厉！加油！

ZZZ@MARYLANDUID: 157802

万分感谢！！
我会尽快修改，然后再传上来给forwww审批：）
感动ing。。。。

ZZZ@MARYLANDUID: 157802

66. Colleges should require students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced, well-rounded education.

For student's sake, engaging in public-service activities is beneficial to balanced and well-rounded education which is served to students. Students attend in the public-service activity which plays an significant part in students' education is better than the students who do not have the chance to attend or unwill to attend. Public-service activity brings us a tremendous excellent advantage which is unable to be learnt from the college, such as communication skills, confidence, and independent study. After these simply analysis, I strongly agree with the speaker's view. Meanwhile, in order to assure that each student receive balanced and well-rounded education, teachers should not wholly depend on public-service activity, they had better offer their own contribution.

Engaging in a public-service activity, students practise their knowledge learn from classrooms in the college. There are so many telling examples, students in management department study a great deal of principles summarized by the formers and the merchant cases happened before. I concede that the knowledge in classroom is so significant that without this knowledge student will not be able to handle anything happen in the future. However, the public-service activity is more significant for students. The value of a student is not how many principles have he/she remembers, but the ability of solving problems at present. The public-service activity will imbue the ability into students.

In addition, in the public-service activity, the sense of social responsibility will be enhanced. Admittedly, students' major task is to study the knowledge taught by teachers and professors. Under this circumstance, student will not realize the social responsibility which they must take. Without this sense of social responsibility, students may practise their knowledge in a improper way, or even worse. Hacker crime and the computer virus producer cause a tremendous worldwide loss in economic and social instability. Via the public-service activities, they will realize that not only the curriculum in college is their duty, but also the social responsibility is the required courses during their student times.

On the purpose that each student receives a balanced and well-rounded education, requiring student engage in public-service activities is insufficient. A study of Nation Parent-teachers Organization shows that nearly 80 percent of freshmen have a sense of self-approval, common sense tells us that the scale will be increased via our college education. To our surprise, after the college education only 10 percent of students manage to preserve their self-approval. This terrible phenomenon is due to the students' dependency which lies on their teachers and professors. The deference inherent in students force them to give up their own opinions to follow the teacher's. A celebrated educationist said that a good teacher will not strive his opinion to students, he will simply take students stand besides him and see for themselves. Consequently, a balanced and well-rounded education depends on student's engaging in public-service activity and the teacher's educational methods.

To sum up, the requirement appealed by colleges which facilitates students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced and well-rounded education is very salutary. Meanwhile, teachers and professors in college should also contribute their own effort.

eaglezhouUID: 156651

66. Colleges should require students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced, well-rounded education.

For student's sake, engaging in public-service activities is beneficial to balanced and well-rounded education which is served to students. Students attend in the public-service activity which plays an（低级错误） significant part in students' education is better than the students who do not have the chance to attend or unwill（are unwilling） to attend. Public-service activity brings(题目用复数你就用复数吧) us a tremendous excellent advantage which is unable to be learnt from the college, such as communication skills, confidence, and independent study. After these simply analysis, I strongly agree with the speaker's view. Meanwhile, in order to assure that each student receive balanced and well-rounded education, teachers should not wholly depend on public-service activity, they had better offer their own contribution.

Engaging in a public-service activity, students practise （practice）their knowledge learn（语态对吗？） from classrooms in the college. There are so many telling examples, students in management department study a great deal of principles summarized by the formers and the merchant cases happened before. I concede that the knowledge in classroom is so significant that without this knowledge student will not be able to handle anything happen in the future. However, the public-service activity is more significant for students. The value of a student is not how many principles have he/she remembers, but the ability of solving problems at present. The public-service activity will imbue the ability into students.

In addition, in the public-service activity, the sense of social responsibility will be enhanced. Admittedly, students' major task is to study the knowledge taught by teachers and professors. Under this circumstance, student will not realize the social responsibility which they must take. Without this sense of social responsibility, students may practise（同上） their knowledge in a improper way, or even worse. Hacker crime and the computer virus producer cause a tremendous worldwide loss in economic and social instability. Via the public-service activities, they will realize that not only the curriculum in college is their duty, but also the social responsibility is the required courses during their student times.

On the purpose that each student receives a balanced and well-rounded education, requiring student engage in public-service activities is insufficient. A study of Nation Parent-teachers Organization shows that nearly 80 percent of freshmen have a sense of self-approval, common sense tells us that the scale will be increased via our college education. To our surprise, after the college education only 10 percent of students manage to preserve their self-approval. This terrible phenomenon is due to the students' dependency which lies on their teachers and professors. The deference inherent in students force（forces） them to give up their own opinions to follow the teacher's. A celebrated educationist said that a good teacher will not strive(这个词是不是用错了) his opinion to students, he will simply take students stand besides him and see for themselves. （这个有关吗？）Consequently, a balanced and well-rounded education depends on student's engaging in public-service activity and the teacher's educational methods.

To sum up, the requirement appealed by colleges which facilitates students to engage in public-service activities in order to assure that each student receives a balanced and well-rounded education is very salutary. Meanwhile, teachers and professors in college should also contribute their own effort.